Chapter 4
Chapter Four
“Just make sure to warm the milk before you feed him, but test it on your wrist to be sure it’s not too hot.
And you may have to work with him. He was resisting the bottle a bit yesterday.
” I paced the apartment, checking to be sure I had everything, though I’d laid it all out the day before.
Pump, lunch, purse. I was trying to stay busy to keep from crying. That was my only goal.
“I’ve got it, babe,” Ben said. He rested an elbow on the countertop, cradling Gray in his arms. “I promise you we’ll be fine. And you’ll be home before you know it.”
I spun away from him, pretending to search the fridge for something as I squeezed my eyes shut. He was just two days shy of two weeks old. I’d had such a short time getting to enjoy him, but my client list was backing up. For the sake of my sanity, I couldn’t afford to miss any more work.
“I know you’ll be fine,” I said, spinning back around and walking toward them. I stroked Gray’s cheeks, leaning in and pressing my lips to his scalp. I inhaled the scent of him, wanting every note ingrained into my memory. “I’m sorry. I’m just nervous.”
“Do you want to hold him again before you go?” Ben asked, lifting Gray’s body toward me.
I held a hand up. “No. If I do,” my throat grew tight as fresh tears stung my eyes, “I’ll just cry.” It was too late. I already was.
Ben’s eyes grew sad, and he cocked his head to the side. “You don’t have to start back today, Palmer. Just take another week off.”
“It won’t be any easier then, either,” I said.
“It’s like a bandage, right? Rip it off.
” I wiped a tear away and stalked past him, lifting my bags.
“I’ll have my phone with me, so if you need anything, just call.
I have two meetings this afternoon, so I don’t know how much I’ll be able to text you, but if you call, I’ll pick up or call you right back. I should be home around five.”
Ben nodded, swaying in place with Gray as he began to fuss. He needed me. He wanted me. I was walking away.
I was so incredibly jealous of my husband. From the moment we found out we were expecting, I knew he’d be the one to stay home. I made three times what he did. He wouldn’t make enough to cover childcare. I carried the health insurance, his company didn’t have it. I enjoyed my job, he didn’t.
There were so many reasons that this was the most logical choice, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t feeling resentful at that moment.
He was content, still dressed in pajamas, cradling the baby, while I was shoved into work clothes, still bleeding and sore, with swollen breasts and baggy eyes, trying to pretend to be the woman I was not even two weeks ago when everything in my life had changed.
I opened the front door, trying to keep my voice steady as fresh tears flooded my vision, ruining whatever makeup I’d attempted to apply. “I love you both.”
“We love you, too, Mama,” Ben said, waving Gray’s tiny hand.
I sniffled, hugging them both again. At my touch, Gray began wailing, his mouth opening and closing like a fish waiting to be fed.
“I’ve got him,” Ben promised, lifting Gray to his chest. “I’ve got you, don’t I, big guy?
” He walked toward the kitchen, and I stood still, inadequate in every way.
Already late for work and unable to feed my child. I was failing at everything.
I turned, stepping through the door and slamming it shut. My back rested against the wood of it as I gave in to the sobs that were so tight in my chest.
I walked down the steps, crying and snotting, one minute feeling like I could pull it together and the next desperate to turn around and run back to my child.
None of what I was doing felt natural. Had we made a mistake?
Should I have asked Ben to find something better?
Given up a job that I love? I wanted to put Gray back in my belly.
Take him with me wherever I went again like I had for nine months.
I stepped outside of our apartment building and hurried to my car across the street with blurring vision.
Once I was in, I pulled the visor down, looking myself over, cleaning up my makeup, and turning on the radio.
It would all be okay. I just had to make it through the next eight hours.
After that, I’d be back home. I’d see him again.
I put the car in drive, hating everything about the way I felt as I drove farther and farther away from my whole world.
Thirty minutes later, I was walking into the office, my makeup fixed, hair fluffed, and fresh lipstick applied. I wished no one would ask about him. If I didn’t think about it, maybe it would hurt less.
I rode the elevator to the fifth floor with a man who talked loudly on his cell phone the whole way, thankful not to have to make small talk. When I stepped off the elevator and into the office, the familiar, clean scent hit me and put me at ease.
“Palmer!” Howie, my sweetheart of an assistant, called, waving as he stood from his desk. He rushed forward, holding his hands out. “Welcome back! Need me to take anything?”
I shook my head, holding tightly to my bags. “I’ve got them. Thanks, Howie.”
“I can’t wait to see more pictures of the little guy. He’s so adorable!” He smiled, his grin wide and full of excitement as he walked with me toward my office.
“Thanks,” I said, surprised that I didn’t feel as sad as I’d expected to.
“Welcome back, Palmer!” Dannika said, waving at me from her office as she hung up the phone. She stood, too, rushing over and pulling me into a hug.
“Hey, love,” I said as Howie pushed open my office door. I placed the bags on my desk, looking around the office I’d meticulously decorated. There was an ultrasound photograph in the far corner that I couldn’t wait to replace with new pictures of Gray.
“How are you?” Dannika asked, resting a fist on her hip.
I smiled, trying to fake it, but my expression must’ve given me away. She leaned in, wrapping her arms around my neck and rubbing my back. I blinked heavily, trying to fight back the tears. As they began to fall, Howie joined our hug, both of them holding my weight as I felt like I could collapse.
We stayed like that for so long, I’d almost forgotten where we were.
After a while, I pulled away, wiping my eyes.
Dannika grabbed a tissue from the desk and passed it over.
She rested against the table in the corner of the office.
“It’s hard,” she said, her voice full of understanding.
“I know, girl. I thought we were going to have to become homeless after I had Darius. I would’ve lived out of a box if it meant I could be home with that baby for a few more weeks. ”
Howie nodded. “That’s why Dan started GloTech. When we adopted Gracie, we knew one of us would want to be home. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re so lucky that Ben was able to stay home with him.”
“You’re right,” I told him. And he was. “I know. It’s just…so hard.”
“It gets easier, but it’s hard, girl. You’re back entirely too early, too. I can’t even imagine. I took the full twelve weeks off, and it still about killed me,” Dannika said, crossing her arms.
“I need to work,” I said. “Two weeks with no pay and a mountain of hospital debt from his birth isn’t going to cut it.”
“Six-billion-dollar company and we can’t even afford paid maternity leave,” Dannika said, raising her voice so it carried across the quiet office. “Absolute trash, if you ask me.” She rolled her eyes. “What can we do for you?”
“Anything,” Howie offered. “Coffee, ice cream, distractions…”
“Distractions,” I told him. “And lots of them. What have I missed?”
“Cumberland has a new assistant—”
“Kimberly,” Howie and Dannika said in a nasally, drawn-out voice at the same time.
“Bright as a burned-out light bulb, that one,” Dannika said.
“She’s the worst,” Howie agreed. “You’ll see.”
Dannika held her hands out in front of her breasts. “Cumberland likes what she brings to the table.”
I snorted. “Anything client-wise? How did the King wedding go?”
“Magical,” Dannika said, waving her hands in front of her face. “And they were great about you not being there. In fact, they sent you a card to wish you congratulations.” She pointed to my desk. “I slid it in the top drawer.”
I moved behind the desk and turned my keys in the lock, pulling it open to reveal a pink envelope. I opened it, watching as a gift card fell out. “They’re so great,” I said, my eyes watering again.
“You’re so great, Palmer. You put in eighty hours on that wedding, double what they paid you for, and you threw together a goat-yoga-reception, whatever the hell that is, when the bride saw one and just had to have it at the last minute. You were a rock star, and you deserve all the credit.”
“Thanks, Dannika.” I couldn’t help smiling.
Despite how badly I didn’t want to be there, Dannika and Howie were the only people who kept me sane most days.
Dannika and I were partners. We’d climbed the company ladder together, and I’d hired Howie three years ago, the perfect addition to our group.
I wasn’t sure what I’d do without these two.
Howie’s eyes lit up. “Oh! And, we forgot to tell you, the client you’re meeting this afternoon is—”
“No, make her guess it!” Dannika said, holding her hand out.
“Guess it? Oh, gosh, I don’t know!” I said, waiting.
“Guess!” Dannika demanded. “Dream client, dream budget, dream job.”
“Dreamy client,” Howie said, wiggling his eyebrows playfully.
I giggled at the two of them, obviously pleased with themselves. “Is it someone I’ve worked with before?”
“Never. New client for the company, and he asked for you specifically,” Dannika said, pointing to me.
I sank down in my chair, moving my bags to the floor. “Who is it? Tell me!”
“Grant Anderson!” Howie cried, practically jumping for joy.
“What?”