Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, I paced the quiet apartment. Truth be told, I never stopped pacing. Ben never called. He never came home. Gray was still gone. Ben had taken Gray somewhere. He’d taken him away from me. But where…and why? What had I done that was so wrong?
My breasts ached from the need to pump, but I couldn’t bear it.
Doing so only made me think of Gray, and to do that was taking a dagger to my heart, plunging its sharp blade into my most sensitive places.
Had I done enough? Had I loved him enough?
Had I smiled at him, cuddled him enough?
Was I enough for him? What if I never saw my son again?
Were these weeks, these mere days enough to satisfy me?
To give him a memory of me at all? I’d grown him in my belly, cared for him, loved him, fought for hours to bring him into the world before having my stomach torn open to pull him free.
I’d done so much and would do everything over again, but would any of that matter?
If something had happened to them? If Ben had run off?
Nothing would matter to me anymore.
I thought losing Nate after finding out he’d been having an affair would be the worst pain I’d ever experienced, but this, no, this was worse.
This was fire to my insides and scraping of my bones.
Pulling at the tender nerves on every frayed part of the shell that remained in my place.
Without Gray, I was nothing. Without Gray, I’d cease to exist. I was sure of it.
I’d fall to the ground, nothing left of me but ash.
The charred remains of a woman who’d lost the most important thing to her.
Someone would sweep me away or the breeze would carry me off, and no one would know.
No one would speak of my pain or know that it existed.
My pain is not the kind you talk about. It’s the kind that’s swept under the rug at family get-togethers, where I’d become that cousin who lost her son.
That niece whose husband ran away. The girl with the missing child.
And with time, that would all fade. I’d be left with nothing. I’d be nothing.
I stared around the apartment, its walls mostly bare, and entirely bare of pictures of my son. I had three printed photos total from the hospital, and now one of those was being passed around by the police. I hadn’t even thought to ask if I’d get it back when she asked to keep it.
I had a few snapshots on my phone, as well as the blurry photos of him with Kat, but nothing more.
A knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts, and I sprang forward, hope swelling in my chest so quickly I felt like it may burst.
I swung open the door, shocked to see a familiar face.
“Dannika?” I wiped my cheeks, though the tears were long dried. I felt my brows knit together in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you,” she said, stepping further into the apartment. “I’m worried.”
I shut the door once she was inside and turned to face her. “You didn’t have to come.” I was so relieved to see her, though. To see any familiar face at this point.
“Well, I know you, and I know it’s not like you to miss work this much. Howie’s covering for you, saying you’re taking meetings and whatnot, but I wanna know the truth, Palmer. Is everything okay?” She glanced behind me. “Where is everybody?”
I shook my head. “They—” My voice quivered and cracked, and I stopped, unable to prevent the tears I felt.
Concern clouded her expression. “Palmer, what is it?” She reached for me, touching my arms, and I fell into hers, letting my weight—the weight of the world—be a shared burden between the two of us.
I sobbed, my body convulsing with heavy, raddled breaths.
She was still for a moment before her arms made their way around me and she patted my back.
“Shhh…” she soothed. “It’s going to be okay, I’m sure.
We’ll make it okay.” She whispered niceties into my ear, patting my back and nodding until my last tear had dried.
I felt powerless, ashamed of my breakdown.
It was accomplishing nothing. I didn’t have time to be sad.
When I pulled away, I looked at her, shaking my head. How could I even put into words what had happened? “Dani, they’re…they’re just gone.”
She stared at me, one brow lifting slightly. “Who’s gone? Gone where?” She brushed a piece of hair from my eyes.
“Ben and Gray. They’re missing. I don’t know.” My shoulders fell. “I don’t know anything. Ben never came home yesterday. I can’t get a hold of him. He has Gray, and they’re just…gone.”
Her jaw dropped, and she reached for my arms again. “Palmer…oh…oh my god, I’m so sorry. What can I do? What are you doing? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m still processing, I think. And I just keep worrying that I’ll tell people, and maybe that makes it real somehow. Like, if I just keep it to myself, maybe he’ll just walk through the door.”
She cocked her head to the side with sympathy. “Do you really think that’s going to happen? It has to, right? Where else would he be? I don’t…” She trailed off, running a finger over her lips.
“I have to believe it could. Otherwise, what am I saying? They’re just gone?
Both of them? I can’t give up on Ben. He’ll do the right thing.
He’ll come home. He has to come home. He has to bring Gray back to me, right?
He has to.” I blinked back tears at the possibilities swirling through my head. He had to bring him home.
“Yes, he does. He will. I’m sure this is all just a misunderstanding. Ben loves you. We aren’t giving up.” Her expression was fierce as she shook her head, nudging me toward the couch. “Come on. Let’s make a plan. When did they go missing, exactly? We can figure this out.”
“Yesterday around noon…” I hesitated. Dannika had been there for me during my last breakup.
She’d taken care of me, comforted me, encouraged me to get back out there.
How would she feel if she knew that I’d managed to mess this new relationship up too?
Would she start to see a pattern? Wonder if I’m worthy of any kind of love?
“Palmer, was Ben who you were talking about when you told Ty your friend’s husband was having an affair?” she asked, her lips pressed together.
I sucked in a breath and held it, breaking eye contact. I knew she knew, but it didn’t make it any easier. When I looked back at her, I’d given my answer.
“Son of a bitch,” she said, slapping her knee. “Who is she? Do I know her?”
“She’s a food blogger from Crestview. Katie something.”
She wrinkled her nose. “A food blogger? Is that a real job?”
I smiled sadly. “Apparently.”
“Are you okay?” She shook her head as she asked.
“Of course you aren’t.” She paused. “And Crestview, really? She’s small town?
Ben always seemed so sophisticated and…you know, worldly, I guess,” she said, shoving a shoulder forward.
“He loved the city too much. I can’t believe he’d be interested in anyone from Crestview. ”
She was trying to make me feel better, but it didn’t work. What she was really saying was that Ben went against his type to cheat on me with her…that’s how unhappy I made him. Just like Nate.
“So, have you checked with her? I mean, could he be with her? Do you have a way to contact her? I’ll do it for you, if you want.
Actually, scratch that, you are a strong, beautiful, confident woman.
You should do it. You deserve the chance to confront her.
” She rambled more and more the angrier she got, and I loved her for it.
Confrontation was not what I wanted. Truth be told, I didn’t care about Kat.
I just wanted Gray home and safe. It was as if someone had launched me forward, then suspended me in midair without warning.
I was waiting, my breath caught, my arms and legs ready to move with no direction or inclination when they would again.
I wanted to take action, but there was no action to take.
I had no idea where my family was, and I couldn’t imagine any worse feeling than that.
“I don’t want to confront her,” I said, shaking my head solemnly. “I just want to get them both home. I don’t even care what he’s done now, I just want to know they’re okay. I need to see my son. I need to.”
“I know, sweetie,” she whispered, brushing a strand of hair from my eyes again and tucking it behind my ear. “I know. I do. I get it. And we will find them. We’re going to figure out what’s going on, okay? Do you think it’s a possibility he’s with her? That’d be the first place I’d look.”
“I don’t think so,” I said, shaking my head. “I followed him to her house yesterday, but he left. I went back there later when I couldn’t find him, and her husband was home.”
“She has a husband?” She clicked her tongue. “Wow. Okay. Well…have you called the police yet? I know it seems like a big step—”
“I did,” I confirmed. “They’re working on it, but I don’t know when I’ll hear. Or if.”
“Okay, so what can we do? What can I do?” She clasped her hands together in front of her.
“I don’t know if there’s anything any of us can do. The police say we should just wait to hear back.”
She pursed her lips, giving me a look that clearly said no way in hell.
“Mmkay, we’re going to call that a friendly suggestion, and then we’re going to get our asses out there and find your baby.
We know Ben better than anyone. We know how he thinks, what he likes.
We have to go, Palmer. Where should we start? ”