Chapter 9
Before
“Can’t we stay here for a little bit longer?” I ask, feeling around the truck bed for my shirt and pulling it over my head.
I thought this would feel better.
That I would feel different after losing my virginity. But right now, all I feel is pain and my body trembling, and I want him to hold me for five fucking seconds after.
But he’s already jumping down from the truck and turning to me with a scowl.
“God, dude, sometimes I think you’re a chick with how needy you are,” Jason says, not even helping me down from the truck.
I don’t know what to say to that.
I try not to be needy. I know what I am. I know I’m a burden, that I shouldn’t be here. But I guess I didn’t think my boyfriend would feel that way, too.
He doesn’t say anything else.
As soon as I’m down from his truck, he gets in and drives away, leaving me standing alone on a dirt road inside the woods, at one in the morning.
Every step I take back home hurts, and I know this isn’t normal. Jason should be taking care of me right now. I’m not saying I needed much, but a single ounce of compassion would have been nice.
Now
When Mike fell asleep on me last night, I thought not making a big deal out of it was the least I could do. He gave me something wonderful and asked for nothing in return.
But now, it’s morning, and he’s lying on top of me, and the couch isn’t that comfortable, and I have to pee. I close my eyes, hoping he’ll wake up on his own. That seems like the least awkward way to approach things.
Besides, he wakes up early any other time.
An hour later, he’s shown no sign of moving, and the having to pee situation has gone from annoying to dire.
I shift a little, an attempt to move him over, to let him sleep, but that makes him groan and clutch my t-shirt tighter. So I guess I only have one option.
“Mike.”
Nothing.
“Mike, wake up.”
He doesn’t.
I grab his shoulders and shake him a little. “Come on, wake up. I’m about to piss my pants.”
“Nooo, I’m comfortable,” comes the groggy voice, the only thing I get from him.
“You’re not gonna be comfortable if I piss all over you.”
“I could be into that.”
“Shut up, dude, oh my god,” I say in disgust, and that makes him giggle like a freakin’ weirdo. But thankfully, he moves to the side enough for me to get up, so I’ll count that as a win.
He’s up by the time I come back downstairs, after a long, hot shower where I spent the entire time overthinking what happened last night.
I’ve never been in this situation before.
Jason didn’t want to discuss anything. He hated what we were doing. What we were. He wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening unless it was.
I get the feeling Mike isn’t going to want to pretend it didn’t happen.
“Hey,” he says as soon as I walk into the kitchen, sitting on the counter with a bowl of Fruit Loops like it’s any other morning. I busy myself making my own breakfast, buying time before I have to talk.
I am never smoking weed again.
What was I doing, thinking it was a good idea to come out to him of all people? And then I went and let him give me a fucking blow job? What is wrong with me?
“Are you freaking out?”
“No.”
“You’re scowling at the eggs.” I turn to look at him, because I am not, but he continues, pointing at my face. “Now you’re scowling at me.”
“Are you trying to make this uncomfortable?”
“Why would it be uncomfortable?” I look up to the ceiling, begging anyone that’s listening for the patience to deal with this.
“Look, what happened last night happened. We can’t take it back—”
“Do you want to take it back?” He interrupts, and if I didn’t know any better, I would think he sounds hurt by the implication.
“We’re roommates,” I point out.
“So? Come here,” he holds out his hand, and I take it, letting him pull me closer even though I should be keeping my distance. “Give me a kiss.”
I look down at him. He’s still shorter than me, even sitting on the counter, just by a few inches. His lips are right there, and he runs his tongue along his bottom lip.
I can’t help myself.
I do.
I hold his face in my hands gently while his wrap around my waist, pulling me between his legs as our lips meet. It’s not the kiss from last night, deep and dirty, inhibitions gone from the joints we smoked.
This one is almost chaste in comparison, his soft lips connecting with mine, for only a few seconds, but it feels more intimate than anything we did last night, kissing in the morning light.
He tastes like Fruit Loops.
I pull back before it can get heated, resting my forehead against his, out of breath for no reason at all.
“You haven’t kissed very many people, have you?” He says in the small space between us. I shake my head because I haven’t been embarrassed enough, apparently. But he doesn’t make fun of me, the way I’m expecting.
He kisses me again, and I can feel him smiling against my lips.
“That’s okay. I happen to be an expert. At kissing. Blow jobs…” I pull back, sensing one of his ramblings. “I guess you could call me a sexpert.”
“A sexpert? Really? Does that line usually work?”
“I don’t need a line. You already moved in with me and let me suck your dick, so.”
I look away at the reminder, letting go of him and backing up until I’m leaning against the counter across from him. An emotion I can’t pinpoint flickers across his face, but he smoothes it out quickly.
“Alex,” he starts, more serious than I’m used to from him. “Listen. I’m not trying to date you. Clearly, that is not my thing. I’m not sure what the big deal is.”
“No one knows,” I admit, staring at the kitchen tile. “I don’t want that to change.”
He shrugs, picking up his bowl of cereal from beside him. “I’m not in the business of outing people.”
I nod, feeling a little bit better. I believe him, I don’t have any reason to think that he would do that. But it still doesn’t feel great knowing someone knows my secret.
That he has the ability to destroy my relationships with everyone.
“Now that that’s settled—”
Right as he begins to speak again, my eyes land on the clock above the stove.
“Shit! I was supposed to meet Ryan!”
I’m already on the way out, grabbing my keys from the hook by the door, looking around for my jacket.
“Who’s Ryan?” Mike asks, following me from the kitchen.
“My friend, you met him the other day, remember? We were supposed to meet at ten to look at apartments.” I find my jacket on the back of a chair and tug it on, looking up when there’s an unusual amount of silence coming from Mike’s direction.
“You’re moving out?” He asks when our eyes meet.
“I was going to, before—” I gesture at the couch. “Ryan and I were gonna get a place together.”
“Ryan,” he repeats, frowning. “I don’t like him.”
“He’s not that bad.”
“He’s rude.”
“He’s just—” I stop, because I don’t have a defense for that. He was rude to Mike, and so was I. “Look, I have to go. Can we talk about this later?”
“Stay.”
“Mike—”
“I’m not done with you.” He says, coming back into my space. “I’ve been dreaming about your cock for weeks. Ryan can wait.”
I look down at him with wide eyes, my cheeks turning all shades of red. I don’t get how he just says that stuff. “I can’t. I—I told him I’d be there.”
“Fine,” he says, looking up at me from under his lashes, his eyes darker than usual. “But you’re not allowed to move out.”
“I—” I search for a reason that I have to. Anything that would be enough to convince him, and myself, that moving out of here is still a good idea. “I’m not,” I hear myself say, and I don’t even know why except that I can’t say no to him.
Mike smiles, satisfied that he got his way. “Good. Hurry back.”
He goes back to the kitchen, the matter settled, but he doesn’t leave before he gives me a quick final kiss.
Once he’s out of the room, I stand in the entryway for a solid ten seconds before I force myself to move, texting Ryan on the way to my car.
Alex: Overslept! Be there ASAP.
“What the hell? I’ve been waiting for over an hour!” Ryan exclaims the moment I get out of the car.
I can’t even try to defend myself.
Sorry, I overslept because I didn’t want to wake up Mike. And then I stood around, kissing him and flirting with him instead of getting ready.
For some reason, I don’t think that would be considered a valid excuse. “Sorry,” I tell him, the only thing I can say, followed by a small lie. “I forgot to set my alarm.”
The anger deflates out of him, so the lie must be believable enough. “It’s fine. Let’s just head to the next place. The first one wasn’t that good anyway.” He pats me on the arm the way friends do, totally normal, and it takes everything in me not to flinch.
Ryan’s been bugging me about moving in together since last year, and I always brushed him off. The truth is, I don’t really want to live with him. He’s a friend, a good friend, but we’re not that close, and it seems easier to live with someone you don’t have to hang out with on a daily basis.
That train has left the station with Mike, but that’s different.
He’s pretty.
But still, I almost talked myself out of my decision on the way over here, the thought of Ryan being angry playing over and over in my head. But I remember Mike’s words.
You’re not allowed to move out.
Hurry back.
I’m not done with you.
I don’t think I’m done with him either.
“Listen, uh—” I look around for help, but the people sitting outside Starbucks drinking their coffee provide none. “I think I’m actually gonna give Mike another shot. We talked about some things, and I think we’re good now.”
Ryan goes very still. “You’re staying.”
“Yeah, I am.” I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans for something to do.
Ryan looks out at the parking lot, a muscle jumping in his jaw. “He’s crazy, Alex.”
“You don’t know him.”
“I know his reputation.”
“He’s not—” I think about Mike on his knees on the floor last night, putting my hands in his hair. Falling asleep on top of me. Kissing me this morning and not making me feel stupid when it mattered. “He’s not what everyone says.”
Ryan looks at me a certain way, and I almost think he knows. I’m being too obvious.
But then that look turns neutral, and he nods. “So we’re not getting a place.”
“Not right now. I’m sorry I wasted your morning.”
He waves it off, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. We’re good. You wanna grab coffee?”
“Yeah,” I say, grateful that he’s not making this a bigger deal. “Coffee sounds good.”