Chapter 11
Before
Jason actually invited me to a party.
I can’t believe it.
We’ve been seeing each other for almost four months. Halloween is sort of our anniversary, but I didn’t expect him to remember that.
Maybe I don’t give him enough credit.
His dad is really hard on him, nothing like my relationship with Nate. He expects him to live up to his idea of perfection, so naturally, being gay is a sore subject for Jason. He won’t even admit it to me.
Or himself.
But this feels like a step in the right direction. We’re going out, spending time together somewhere that isn’t the woods or a parking lot after everyone has gone to sleep.
The thing is, I feel really bad about lying to Nate. We don’t do that. He’s always trusted me, and I can see that he doesn’t anymore. I know he’s worried, and I can’t exactly blame him.
But I don’t know how he would react to Jason and me being together.
Dad’s homophobic as hell, but that’s not exactly surprising considering Dad hates everyone.
Nate, though, I don’t think I’ve heard him have an opinion on being gay one way or the other, and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I know Nate loves me. I know he wouldn’t kick me out or never talk to me again. He would probably come around.
Would he come around to me letting his star player fuck me in the back of his truck?
Probably not.
I don’t want to make things weird between us. And I hate disappointing him after everything he’s done for me. I mean, he gave up his entire life to take care of me, even if he tries to pretend it’s not a big deal.
So this stuff with Jason is starting to weigh on me.
But not enough to stop.
I head out into the living room, wearing my nicest band tee and the jeans that make my ass look the best. Fresh eyeliner that I know Jason likes, since he said it one day when he was fucking my mouth.
“Where you headed?” Nate asks, looking at my outfit with narrowed eyes.
I always stay home and give out candy in my scariest costume. It’s my thing. But this year, I have more important things to do. Besides, Nate’s got a date, and I do not want to be home if things go the way I’m sure he’s hoping.
“Out. Party, maybe. I dunno.”
“A party? You don’t go to parties.”
“I do now, okay?” I respond, staring down at my shoes so I don’t have to feel even more guilty that I already do. I’m not lying. He doesn’t have to know everything I’m planning to do tonight.
“Make sure you’re home by midnight. There’ll be drunk drivers and shit, I don’t wanna be worrying about you.”
“Midnight. Got it.”
“I mean it, Alex.”
“Hey, Iris,” I say, pulling open the front door to find Nate’s new girlfriend standing there. I have to admit, she’s a lot better than the girls he usually dates. “Y’all have fun handing out candy,” I tell him, putting air quotes around the words.
I don’t believe that’s the real plan for a second.
Both of them look caught off guard in the best way, exactly what I was going for. But then Iris has to ruin it by being way too nice and telling me to be safe, and now I feel bad for lying again.
“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter, pulling out my phone to text Jason that I’m on my way.
We meet at the side of the house. It’s a big place in one of the rich neighborhoods. Would definitely be a good place to go trick-or-treating, but I don’t think anyone would want to give me candy.
So I mourn the king-size candy bars silently.
The party’s already in full swing, with music coming from the front door every time it opens, while I wait by one of the trees off to the side, the way Jason instructed in his texts.
He appears a few minutes later, carrying a beer can, shouting at someone arriving. He looks good. In his element. I always thought I would date someone more like me, someone alternative, with tattoos—
But Jason is handsome in his own right, with green eyes and short hair that suits him.
Maybe one day I could talk him into getting some tattoos.
“Hey,” I say, giving him a smile I know he won’t return. “Ready?”
“Ready for what?”
“The party?”
He scoffs. “You’re not invited inside.”
“But—”
“Just hang here, I’ll get away as soon as I can,” he says, cutting me off. I frown at the casual way he says it, and the disappointment of my plans not going the way I thought they would.
“I thought you wanted me to come…”
He laughs, and it sounds mean. “And have the rest of the team think I’m hanging out with a loser like you? Fat chance. You wait here, and I’ll be back.”
That’s all he says before walking away, leaving me standing against some rich asshole’s house on Halloween.
Our anniversary.
I guess he didn’t remember after all.
I don’t know what time it is.
My phone died around midnight, so I know I’ve missed my curfew.
The music from inside has been off for a long time, and the stream of people going in and out has slowed to almost nothing.
A group of drunk teenagers pile out the front door, and I press back against the side of the house so they don’t see me.
This is so fucking stupid.
I know I should leave.
I keep telling myself I’m going to.
But I know Jason. I know how he gets when his friends are around, how he performs for them. It’s not real. He doesn’t mean to be that way. He’s scared, and when he’s scared, he lashes out. And I accept it because underneath it all, I know he cares about me.
He’ll come.
I wrap my arms around myself, the October breeze turning colder and colder as it gets later into the night.
I hear him before I see him, heavy footsteps on the grass, and when he comes around the corner, he’s got a beer in his hand even though he clearly doesn’t need it. His eyes find me, and he smiles. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him smile at me.
“Hey, there you are,” he slurs, coming straight for me.
I push off the wall, my legs hurting from standing so long in one spot. “I think I’m gonna go. My phone is dead and Nate’s probably pissed—”
His mouth is on mine before I can get another word out, wet and sloppy, his body pressing me against the wall, and I go still because Jason doesn’t kiss me. He never has, not once in the entire four months we’ve been doing this.
This is my first kiss, and the only thing I can focus on is that it tastes like beer.
I put my hands on his chest and push back, but he doesn’t budge. “What are you—”
“Missed you,” he murmurs, attacking my lips again. I couldn’t keep up if I tried.
“Jason.” I push harder, and he stops long enough for me to speak this time. “I want to go home. I’ve been standing out here for hours, and it’s freezing—”
“I know, I know. Olivia wouldn’t let me go.” He takes a long drink of his beer, crushing the can and tossing it to the side when he finishes. “She made me fuck her.”
“She—” The words sink, poison to my heart. While I was standing out here, freezing my ass off, waiting for him, he was in there… “You just fucked Olivia?”
“Uh, yeah? She’s my girlfriend, what was I supposed to do?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe say no?” I don’t bother concealing my hurt, but he’s too drunk to notice.
“It’s not that simple,” he says, like it’s obvious, like I don’t understand. “She’s my girlfriend.”
“And what am I?”
He doesn’t have an answer for that. He looks at me with unfocused eyes, and then he’s pushing me back against the wall, kissing me with his whole body.
“Jason—” I try to protest, but it comes out muffled when his lips refuse to move.
“Stop talking,” he says, grabbing me through my jeans. I gasp when his hand makes contact with my cock. He’s never once touched me there. He acted disgusted by it the time I asked.
“Wait—”
“I couldn’t come with her,” he says into my neck, squeezing me while my brain tries to catch up to what’s happening. “I could barely stay hard.” He laughs, but it doesn’t feel directed at me. “Had to think about you the whole time.”
I don’t know what to do with that.
It makes me feel something that isn’t quite good, but isn’t as bad as it should be. Because he was thinking about me, even in there, even with her.
It doesn’t make me feel good enough to want to fuck him after what he did.
“Jason, I really think we should—”
“I love you.”
He says it into my hair, almost too quiet to hear, slurred from the alcohol. I’m not even sure he knows he said it.
I love you.
My hands that have been trying to push him away still against his chest.
“Let me fuck you,” he says against my ear, squeezing my cock through my jeans one more time before reaching back to my ass. “I need you.”
And god help me, I let him.
I turn around, braced against the brick, and let him shove my jeans down to my ankles. His fingers go to my hole, pausing when his pointer finger slides in easily. “Look at you,” he says, with a laugh that makes my stomach twist. “So fucking needy. Waiting out here all night, ready for me.”
My face burns against the cold wall.
He slides into me with no mercy, fucking me hard and fast from the start with a hand in my hair, shoving me against the wall, the brick scratching rough against my cheek.
This isn’t how I imagined it would be when I was getting ready tonight, when I was standing in the bathroom applying my eyeliner, thinking maybe tonight was going to be special.
It’s no different from usual.
But he said he loved me.
All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to love me.
So I let him fuck me as hard as he has to, and I hold onto that. Someone loves me. Someone chose me when they had no obligation to me. Some wants me.
I hold onto that until I can’t anymore.
Now
Mike told me about the party this time.
I’m not shocked when I walk into the house and find people everywhere, dressed in the sluttiest versions of classic characters.
He asked a week ago if it was okay. He said he knew I didn’t enjoy his parties, but he always throws one on Halloween, and people are counting on him, and he had just sucked my dick, and what could I say?
He shouldn’t have to suffer for my hang-ups.
He wanted me to stay for this one. Said we should do matching costumes, and I know in another life, I would have loved him for that.
But that’s not this life.
I told him I would think about it, but that was a lie. There was no thinking. I’m planning on going straight to my room and turning on the loudest music possible and pretending this isn’t happening.
Mike is across the room, dancing with his friends from his band. Part of me expected to find him with someone.
This isn’t anything. That’s what he said. But seeing him now, dressed up as the sexiest vampire I’ve ever seen, his black shirt unbuttoned so far it’s indecent, dancing with his friends…
I can’t help but wonder if this is more than either of us is saying.
While I’m staring at him, still standing in front of the door, his eyes meet mine from across the room.
He wastes no time coming over and throwing his arms around me. “Alex! Hi!”
“Woah, hey,” I say, grunting when he crashes into me. He’s the usual mix of drunk and high that he always ends up during these parties, so I detach myself from him before he does something I don’t want anyone to see.
He doesn’t seem to mind, smiling up at me with fanged teeth that match his costume. “I’m so glad you decided to come!”
“I’m not staying,” I tell him, even though it kills me when his smile falls.
“What? Why not?”
“You know parties aren’t my thing. I think I’m gonna head upstairs.”
“Alex, come on.” He steps closer. I look around at the crowd of people around us. No one is paying attention. “You can’t spend Halloween alone in your room.”
“I do it every year.”
“Please,” he says, so genuine, like he really wants me to, and that makes it so much worse. “Just hang out for a little while. You don’t even have to talk to anyone. We can—”
“Mike.”
“I got you something to wear,” he continues. “I left it on your bed.”
“I’m not wearing a costume.”
“It’s a good one.”
“No.”
He pouts, and he knows I can’t say no to that, bottom lip fully out. “Please? I missed you today.”
He’s beautiful tonight. The back outfit. The unbuttoned shirt. The eyeliner that makes his eyes look even more striking than usual. I look down at my hands that he must have grabbed during his plea.
“I said no, Mike,” I say, and I know it comes out harder than I intend, but being down here is starting to make my heart pound in a bad way.
“Okay,” he says quietly.
“Okay,” I say back, and I hate every second of it.
I don’t know what time Mike comes upstairs.
I’ve been drifting in and out for hours, noise from downstairs making it difficult to get fully asleep, but finally, early in the morning, the door to my room opens and closes softly.
Like he’s trying not to wake me up.
I listen to the rustle of fabric, the quiet shit when he does something too loud, even though his exclamation was louder than the sound of him bumping into the dresser.
He slides in behind me, curling up against my back and pressing his face up to my neck. His hands slide around my waist and pull me closer, and I’m not complaining, even though his skin feels cold after being under the blankets for so long.
“Alex? Are you awake?” he says, into my skin.
“Hm?”
“Are you mad at me?”
He sounds smaller than he usually does.
I know I hurt his feelings. I knew when I was doing it. And I would give anything to be okay. To have come upstairs and put on the black T-shirt he left on my bed that says this is my costume and made him happy. But I couldn’t.
That’s not his fault.
I shake my head, and his arm tightens around me, but he doesn’t say anything, so I turn over. I can see the concern still there, the crease between his eyebrows, so I cup his face in my hand.
I kiss him softly, just once, and he makes a surprised sound against my mouth.
I’ve never made the first move.
When I pull back, he’s looking at me differently than usual, but I don’t want to think about what that means, so I pull him closer. He goes willingly, tucking his face into my neck and tangling his cold feet with mine under the blanket.
And right then, I know, without a doubt, that I’m completely screwed.