Chapter 14
Nate’s truck has always felt like an extension of him.
He’s had the thing since I was a kid. Countless memories made, every drive to and from school that I can remember, the crayon markings and stickers on the back door.
Iris has the listing for the next house pulled up on her phone, zooming in on the kitchen pictures, humming in approval. Nate glances over every thirty seconds with that stupid smile when he looks at her.
I make fun of him for it, but I think I understand how he feels now.
My phone buzzes again, before I’ve checked the last three texts from him. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he might miss me.
The first text is a picture of an angry dog.
Mike: this was you when I ate the last poptart
Mike: actually you’re more like this one
Another dog, even more angry. I press my lips together to keep from smiling at my phone.
Mike: I’m bored what are you doing??
Alex: Going to look at a house with my brother
Mike: The hot one?
I watch Rosehill through the window as we pass the gas station. Nate used to let me get slushies there after school before everything went to shit.
Alex: I’m not responding anymore.
Mike: Nooo I’m sorry tell me about the house
Alex: It’s a house. Not much to say about it.
Mike: you don’t sound very excited
Alex: I am. It’s what they want.
Mike: But not what you want?
I look out the window again.
I’m twenty years old, sitting in the backseat of my brother’s truck, helping him look for a house that isn’t the one I grew up in. The only home I’ve ever known, and when Nate sells it…
I won’t have a place to land anymore.
I keep telling myself I should be happy for them. Nate’s married now, he wants a bigger place than the little house we moved into when we needed to get away from dad. This is good for him and Iris. It’s the next step.
But what about me?
Where do I fit?
Alex: we moved there when I was 5. And I know it’s stupid, I don’t even live there anymore, but it feels like I’m losing my home.
Mike: It’s not stupid
I read that twice, watching the text bubbles appear again several times before another text comes.
Mike: I never got to go back home after my parents died but I would have given anything to
My chest tightens at the reminder of his parents.
Mike: Anyway, you’re allowed to be sad about it even if no one else is
I’m staring at my phone, fighting against tearing up because Mike just casually told me exactly what I needed to hear, when Iris turns around from the front seat. “You okay back there? You’re quiet.”
“Fine,” I say, locking my phone. “Just texting Mike.”
She smiles, reaching back to pat my knee. “He seems sweet.”
I narrow my eyes, while Nate chimes in. “You’re only saying that because he called you hot.”
“Well, yeah.”
The go back and forth, but I tune them out, watching the houses go by in the neighborhood the GPS lead us to. It’s nice, I have to admit. A family neighborhood. Perfect for them.
“I love this house,” Iris says, turning to include me too. “But we don’t have to decide anything today.”
Nate reaches over and squeezes her hand. “Whatever you want, Darlin’.”
Alex: thank you
Mike: Anytime. Also, when you get back I’m holding you hostage in bed for a week, just so you know
Alex: Looking forward to it <3
Going to Ben’s house for every holiday is a Wesley family tradition. Mostly because he’s a lawyer, so he has a house big enough to hold everybody.
I hang my jacket by the entrance and tell myself I feel better.
And I almost believe that when Noah crashes into me hard before I’ve even taken three steps into the house. “Alex! You’re back!”
“Hey, bud.” I hug him back, ruffling his hair even though he knocks the wind out of me. He pulls me toward the living room by my shirt to show me a game on his iPad. I look back over my shoulder at Nate and Iris coming in behind me.
Iris goes to the kitchen to hug Gracie while Nate stops to talk to Ben in the entryway, saying something that makes him laugh.
I look away.
Noah shows me a video game with terrible graphics for about ten minutes before Sammy appears out of nowhere and tries to climb me like a jungle gym. Margot toddles over to investigate the commotion and stands there staring up at me with big blue eyes, the same color as mine.
“Hi, Margot. You got a hug for uncle Alex?” I hold my arms out, but she continues to stare, still a little unsure about me.
“Guess not.”
Liz comes from the kitchen, finding me on the couch when Noah and Sammy have started arguing over whose turn it is with the Ipad. She sits down next to me with baby Maisie asleep on her shoulder.
“You doing okay, sweetie?”
I nod, waving at Maisie when she opens her eyes.
When I look back up at Liz, she has her head tilted, giving me that big sister look that I’ve never been able to deflect. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
Thankfully, she knows when to let things go. Unlike Ben, who hasn’t stopped watching me since everything happened. They’re all careful about it. No one comes right out and says what they’re thinking. But it’s the elephant in the room every time we’re all together.
I hate it.
Dinner is loud, with multiple conversations going at once, everyone talking over each other. The people I love all together in one room. It should feel good. It does, in a distant sort of way. But I can’t shake this feeling I have that I’m on the outside of it all.
“We saw a house yesterday,” Iris says, passing the mashed potatoes. “The one on Oak Drive.”
“Oh, did you like it?” Gracie says. “It’s so pretty over there.”
Nate leans back in his chair. “It’s got good bones.”
“Do you even know what that means?” Calvin asks with his mouth full.
“Of course I do—” Nate argues, sitting up straight.
“The kitchen was huge,” Iris cuts in before Nate starts, pulling her phone out to show the pictures she took.
I stare at my plate.
“What did you think, Alex?” Ben asks, making everyone turn to look at me.
“It was nice,” I say. “Perfect for them.”
The conversation moves on without me, to upgrades and adding a pool and whether the backyard is big enough. I nod when it seems right, and I laugh when Nate says something that makes Iris roll her eyes.
I’m having a good time.
Liz refills my water without being asked. Ben gives me the last of the rolls even though I already got one. Nate glances at me while he’s talking. They’re all being extra careful not to let me slip again. Not to let something go unnoticed.
But they don’t even know the whole truth, and I have to live in that loneliness. Because if they did know, I’m not sure they would look at me that way anymore.
I don’t know how they would look at me.
There’s a buzz in my pocket while Noah is telling a very long, detailed story about something that happened at school, so I figure it’s as good a time as any to glance down at my phone.
Mike Pierce. Two notifications.
The first one is a text.
Miss you ;)
The second is a video.
I lock my phone so fast I nearly drop it, while my face goes the color of a tomato.
“You okay?” Liz asks, from right next to me.
“Fine,” I say. My voice doesn’t come out right at all.
The thumbnail of the video he sent will be burned into my brain forever, his finger, the one with the heart tattooed on his knuckle, halfway inside that tight pink hole—
I make it to the bathroom at the end of the hall before I totally lose it, locking the door behind me. I turn on the fan and the sink and flush the toilet for good measure before I press my phone against my ear.
He picks up on the first ring.
“Hey, you.” He answers, more breathy than usual.
“What the hell, Mike!”
His laugh comes through the speaker, unashamed. “Did you like my video?”
“I opened it at the dinner table!”
“Did anyone see?”
“No, but—” I lower my voice even though there’s no way anyone can hear me. “That’s not the point. It’s Thanksgiving. I’m at my brother’s—”
From the other end, I hear him let out a high-pitched whimper that makes my cock twitch in my pants and any trace of an argument leave my brain. “Are you still—”
“Mhm,” he responds, followed by that sound again. “Are you hard?”
I close my eyes. “Mike.”
“Are you?”
I don’t answer, and that’s an answer in itself.
“I’ve been thinking about you all day,” he says, knowing exactly how this ends.
However he wants it to.
“How it’s gonna feel when your cock is finally inside of me,” he exhales. “Touch yourself for me.”
My hand presses against the front of my jeans without my permission. And I think I might hate him right now. “I can’t. I’m in my brother’s bathroom.”
“I don’t care where you are. Touch yourself.”
“Jesus.” At his command, I unbuckle my belt, telling myself I’m not actually going to do this even as I shove my pants down. “You’re insane.”
He moans, louder than before. “I have two fingers in my ass right now. Fuck. I wish they were yours.”
“You’re—” I give up on saying anything, biting down hard on the inside of my cheek when I wrap my hand around myself. “God.”
“There you go, baby. That’s it.”
“Don’t.” I keep the phone trapped between my ear and my shoulder, so I can brace myself against the counter. “Don’t do that voice.”
He ignores me, instructing me as if I didn’t say a word. “Stroke it slow. I know you want to rush through this. Don’t.”
I hate him. But I do exactly what he says, moving slow enough to keep me on the edge, but not enough to bring me over it until he wants me to. “I am. Going slow.”
“Good boy,” he murmurs, and I don’t know if he’s fucking with me, but I still moan, completely helpless. I can hear him breathing harder on his end, and I can imagine what he’s doing, thanks to the video he sent. Lying in my bed, fingering himself while he calls me that.
“You have no idea how hard it’s been. Waiting for you. It’s only been two days, and I’m going crazy—” He cuts himself off with a groan, and I’m already close, already dripping over my fist onto the counter.
“Mike—”
“I’ve thought about it so many times. Made myself come like this three times already.”