Chapter 22
“Hey Jerry, I was about to take Elaine out for some lunch. Do you want to join us?” asked Dan as they resumed their walk along the path.
“No, that’s okay. I just came out here on the off-chance of seeing you because…” He trailed off and glanced at Kay. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Sounds like private brother talk,” said Kay. “I can make myself scarce if you like. How about you two go for lunch, and I’ll see you both tonight?”
“No way,” said Dan. “Anything Jerry has to say to me, he can say in front of you. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
Kay felt a surge of love for Dan for saying that, followed by a twinge of guilt that she could never be so open with him.
“Okay,” said Jerry. “Well, you’ll never guess who called me up this morning.”
“You’re right, I probably won’t, so you’d better just tell me.”
“It was Naomi, who we were talking about just the other day.”
“And what did she want?” asked Dan. Kay noticed he’d lost his smile and had turned quite pale.
“Well, she didn’t want to rekindle any romance with me that’s for sure. She was actually calling up on behalf of Lorna.”
“Right,” said Dan in a dry, flat voice.
“She says Lorna wants to meet with you, restart communications kind of thing. I got the feeling, and I’m sorry to have to say this in front of you, Elaine, that she’d like to give the relationship another try.”
“Is that what Naomi actually said?” asked Dan.
“Well she didn’t use those words, but she said Lorna hasn’t been doing too well since the break-up and that she’d really like to meet with you and talk things over. I can’t think what there’d be to talk about other than, you know...” He glanced once more at Kay.
Kay could see the pain in Dan’s face as he listened to this. The furrows in his forehead were like competing currents of emotion fighting each other. He said to Jerry: “Please could you call Naomi back and tell her I don’t want to meet with Lorna. Everything that needed to be said has been said dozens of times already. I really can’t see the point.”
“This is none of my business,” said Kay gently, “but maybe it’s better if you do meet her.”
Dan shot her a hurt look. “Why do you say that?”
“Because you might have achieved closure on the relationship, but it doesn’t sound as if Lorna has. If you meet with her, you’ll have a chance to explain how you’ve… moved on.”
She hoped the deliberate pause made her meaning clear to him, and it did. He nodded pensively. “You mean I should tell her about you?”
“Like I said, it’s none of my business. I mean, this thing we have has only just started, so I don’t want to assume anything. I have no idea how you feel about me yet – how deep or shallow those feelings are – only you know that. What you say to Lorna is completely up to you. I just think that maybe she deserves one more meeting.”
All this was spoken honestly, straight from the heart, but at the same time she was fully aware of the effect of her words and the gentle, unassuming way she said them. Her humility, candour and generosity towards her predecessor all spoke well of her, and she knew it.
Dan had slowed down during her little speech, and now he stopped completely, obliging Kay and Jerry to do likewise. He stared at her with the same mixture of bewilderment and wonder he’d worn last Saturday, as if she was a previously undiscovered element or lifeform. If anything, his look was even more intense now. He seemed to have forgotten that Jeremy was standing right next to them, or perhaps he and his brother were so close, he didn’t care.
“And how do you feel about me?” he asked her.
“This isn’t about what I feel,” she said, startled by the sudden shift of focus.
“It really is,” he said. “I know exactly how I feel about you, but what I feel means absolutely nothing if you don’t feel the same way.”
Kay glanced at Jeremy, confused and embarrassed. “Should we be having this conversation now?” she asked.
“Why not?” asked Dan.
“Well, it’s kind of private, isn’t it?”
Dan squeezed Jeremy’s shoulder, and his brother responded with a smile and a pat of Dan’s hand. “I don’t have any secrets from my brother,” Dan said. “Whatever you and I say to each other now, I’ll tell him anyway, but if it bothers you having him around, I’m sure he can wander away for a bit while we talk.”
Kay swallowed. “Yeah, I think that might be better. Sorry Jeremy.”
“No problemo,” he said. “And please call me Jerry, as I now consider you a friend.”
“Thanks, I’ll do that.”
Kay watched Jeremy go and sit on a bench about twenty yards away, where he studied his phone. Then she asked Dan: “Do you really share everything with Jerry?”
“Yeah, pretty much.” There was a bland dispassion to his tone that bothered Kay, as if he wasn’t even curious about her feelings on the issue.
“And what if I had a problem with that?”
Dan looked puzzled. “Why would you? ”
“Sometimes couples share intimate secrets. I don’t know, maybe I’ve got a sexual kink or something...”
“Oh right,” said Dan. “I didn’t mean things like that. I was talking more about emotional issues. I get that there’s a private realm that should just be between us.”
Kay sighed with relief, and Dan gave a subtle smirk, little more than a pursing of his lips. “Sexual kink, huh?”
She giggled. “I’m not saying I have one. It was just an example.”
“Sure,” he twinkled, and the slight smile remained as he returned to his original question. “So? What do you feel about me?”
“Why should I go first?” Kay asked teasingly.
“Because I asked you first.”
“This is like poker, isn’t it?” said Kay. “We’re both desperate to know what card the other person’s got, and we’re hoping that our card is higher... Or maybe that should be lower. Yeah, I want my card to be lower than yours. It’s reverse poker, in fact.”
“Maybe we should play our cards at the same time and just see what happens,” suggested Dan.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, why not? After a count of three.”
“Okay,” she gulped.
Dan counted down: “Three… two… one…” Then he said: “I love you.” At the same time, Kay shouted: “I really like you! ”
They both laughed, but it was awkward. Kay was shocked that Dan had gone straight in with the L word. Maybe it was all the brutal years she’d spent on the dating scene but she’d learned never to go in early with I love you . She thought she’d been taking a risk with that really as in I really like you , but now she was super relieved she had. Dan was older than her, but a complete rookie, it seemed, when it came to dating dos and don’ts.
It was only after the shock of his faux pas had started to dissipate that she was struck with an even greater force by what he’d actually said. He loved her. This gorgeous guy she’d only just met – had only seen three times and one of those was a driving lesson – loved her. It was so overwhelming, tears began to prick her eyes. She took a deep breath and patted her chest, eyes wide and blinking. “Wow! Are you serious? You love me?”
He nodded, though he wasn’t looking so happy now. In fact, he too seemed close to tears. “But it seems you don’t love me , which is fine, it’s… early days.”
She had no idea how to respond. Should she say she’d changed her mind and she did love him after all? That she’d been a coward just now and hadn’t said what was in her heart because she didn’t want to lose their stupid reverse poker game?
Or should she simply tell him the truth? Crazy notion, but why not? She’d lived so long in the dating world where lies were the basic unit of exchange and the skill came in teasing out people’s true feelings from their carefully constructed webs of falsehood. But Dan deserved better than that.
But what was the truth? What did she actually feel? Kay had no idea. She wasn’t even sure she knew what love was . Dan ticked every box a boyfriend should. He was handsome, kind, funny and sweet. He made her heart beat faster when she was with him, and made her heart ache when they were apart. She hadn’t dreamed about him yet, but no doubt she would at some point. If love was anything, this had to be it. So what was holding her back? Was it the weird Jeremy thing? That look he’d given her when she asked if he shared everything with his brother, as if to say why was she even asking? That was surely part of it. But it was also something else – something about her.
This new superpower – the ability to weave lies and concoct a whole complex story on the spur of the moment – she’d felt such pride on its discovery. It made her wonder if pretence was actually her thing. Was the idea of pretending to be Elaine even more enticing than the prospect of becoming her? She’d heard that gamblers loved the act of gambling more than the money they won. For her it might all be about the masquerade. If so, could she really give herself completely to a relationship when relationships were all about honesty and showing your true face to the person you were with?
Yet the thought of losing Dan was too painful to contemplate. Without him, her life would feel cold and empty, almost like death. She tried to picture herself going to work on Monday morning after having broken up with him. Hideous! No longer would she be able to while away the hours of tedium at the library by dreaming about their next date. She needed him. Perhaps, she thought desperately, there was a way of having Dan and living life on her own terms. Yet even as she contemplated this she knew she was deluding herself. One day – not now, but soon – she’d be forced to make a choice, and when that day came she would definitely choose Dan. He represented life in the light. The other way was all masks and shadows. When that day came, she’d throw herself on his mercy and tell him everything. She’d swear never to lie to him again, and hope he’d find it in his heart to forgive her.
As for now, all she wanted was to end their torment and feel his arms around her again. She reached out and touched his shoulder and he turned to her. His eyes were red – hers must have been pretty raw-looking too. She hugged him, pressing her cheek to his chest, and said: “You are the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. I have such crazily strong feelings for you. I don’t know whether it’s love yet, it’s too early to tell. But I know I want to be with you, if you want to be with me.”
At these words, she felt his arms close tightly around her and she melted into his warm, powerful embrace.