10. River
CHAPTER 10
RIVER
I didn’t expect to be woken up by my phone vibrating like mad on the nightstand, but here I was, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to focus on the ultra bright screen. There had to be a way to make it less bright, so it didn’t feel like it was burning my retinas.
Bane
I’ve been called in for a meeting. I won’t be long.
One of the team is bringing someone over this morning to update the security system, but I’ll hopefully be back by then. If I’m not, you’ll have to let them in. Make sure they show you their badge. It should look like this.
*photo*
I let the phone fall beside me before interlinking my fingers and stretching them over my head, rolling my neck to ease the stiffness. I’d never felt as exhausted as I did right now, even though I’d slept more than I had in years. It didn’t make sense. I was waiting for the day when I’d wake up feeling refreshed and full of energy.
Bane was under the assumption I had locked myself away in my room for the last few days. While accurate as far as he was concerned, his assumption wasn’t correct. I had left my room, but only when he was out cold, leaning against the wall opposite my door with a snore rumbling in his chest.
I wasn’t sure he’d understand how overwhelmed I felt right now. The only way I felt like I had any control was to lock myself away in a cage of my own making. It wasn’t about setting boundaries; it was about trying to replicate how I’d existed for so long that the possibility of being free, no matter how fleeting, was absolutely terrifying. Even if it was everything I’d ever dreamed of.
The phone fell to the floor when I kicked the blankets off and landed with a thump. I cringed, hoping I hadn’t damaged it, because I had no way of paying Bane back. There was only one thing I was good at—getting on my knees and taking whatever they forced on me. My fingers trembled as I scooped the phone up and headed to the bathroom. I needed a shower. My—Bane’s—hoodie was stuck to my body. My skin felt tight, and I stank of state sweat.
After a quick piss, I turned the shower on and brushed my teeth while I waited for the water to heat. After years of ice-cold showers, hot water was a luxury I never wanted to live without. Steam filled the room as I stripped off and kicked the clothes into the corner. Remembering I hadn’t replied to Bane, I fired off a quick message.
K
Feeling refreshed and a bit more awake after my shower, I scooped up my dirty clothes, stripped the bed, and unlocked my door. I paused, listening to make sure there was no one else here. When the only thing I could hear were the muted voices from my TV, I breathed a sigh of relief and ambled downstairs, trying not to trip on the way down.
It had taken me nearly an hour of YouTube videos to figure out how to work the washing machine. Bane was right when he said I didn’t have a lot of clothes, but it meant I could take as much as possible with me when he kicked me out.
While the wash was on, I poured a coffee from the pot on the counter. Wrapping my fingers around my mug, I inhaled the delicious aroma and sipped the warm nectar down like it was my lifeline.
“Hello?” I almost dropped my mug at the voice shouting through the mail slot. “Hellooooo?” A loud knocking came from the front door. I placed the mug on the counter and checked my phone to see if there were any new messages from Bane, but there weren’t. Great! Radio silence. I chewed on my bottom lip, my heart racing as indecision had me rocking in the middle of the kitchen, my eyes darting between the guy looking through the windows and my escape route back to my room, where I’d be safe behind a locked door.
“Benson said there’d be someone here to let me in to check over the security system.” Gripping the cuffs on my hoodie, I walked toward the door. I could still see the guy standing in front of the window, so I quickly typed a message and held it up to the glass.
Show me your badge.
The guy chuckled. “Alright, kid. Let me get him.” His silhouette moved away, the sound of his footsteps fading.
My knees buckled, and I slid down the wall while I waited for him to return. I gripped my phone to my chest as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. God, I wished Bane was here. He’d know what to do. He’d be calm and take control. His heart wouldn’t be fighting its way out of his chest. Tears wouldn’t be leaking down his cheeks.
“Hey, kid.” I jumped at the sound of the guy’s voice and pushed up onto my knees so I could pull the blind back enough to see what he held against the window. “This is my business card and the guy’s who brought me down. I’m James Stevenson. I work in security, and Detective Davis is here escorting me.”
I looked down at the image Bane had sent of his badge, then googled James Stevenson and High Bar security to make sure he was legitimate. All the details on his card checked out against those listed on the company website.
Okay, I’ll unlock the door.
I held my phone up to the window and heard his low chuckle again.
“Alright kid, thank you. Unlock the door, then knock twice to let me know you’re done, okay? Then go keep yourself occupied while I work. I’ll lock the door and put the key back through the mail slot when I’m done.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me and crawled from the front window to the door. My hands shook so hard it took me three tries to get the door unlocked. After pushing myself up, I knocked twice before tripping over my feet as I turned toward the stairs. Sweat drenched my skin, making my tee cling to my back like a second skin underneath my hoodie. I’d only made it to the bottom step when I heard the door open and two distinct sets of footsteps walked in. One was light, almost bouncy, and matched the guy who had spoken to me. The other was heavy and dragged slightly, like the guy had a bad knee or hip.
“I’ll get right on it now. Shouldn’t take me more than an hour. I’ve got all new cameras, sensors, and an updated control panel to install.”
The heavy footsteps rang out against the hardwood floors and continued deeper into the house. I tracked the sound into the living room where the unused armchair squeaked. “That’s good, James. I’m just going to sit back and take a nap.”
Every muscle in my body tightened at the thready sound of that voice, freezing me in place. My breaths shallowed and punched in and out of my chest. Darkness clouded the edges of my vision. Shit. Shit. Shit. I knew that voice. I’d heard it many times before.
“Ha. You do that, man.” The lighter voice chuckled, followed by a heavy metallic clunk, like he’d dropped a tool bag on the floor.
My hands slipped on the wooden steps as I dragged myself up them, knowing I had to get away from that voice and the barrage of memories that flowed through my mind on an endless loop. I’d never seen his face, but I knew his voice and what it felt like when he struck my body with his hand, his shoes, and his favorite wooden cane. I knew what it felt like when he pulled my hands behind my back and pinned me down, and how he loved to kick my feet wide apart and fuck into me like I was a blow-up doll, like I didn’t have any feelings. I knew how he sounded when he laughed and crowed because he made me scream, what he sounded like when he came. I could remember the bitter taste when he spilled in my mouth and over my face. I remembered how I had to swallow down the vomit that rose in the back of my throat.
I remembered them all. Millions of hands on my body. Fingers digging into my flesh, sometimes hard enough to draw blood, while others left scars. I could feel every cane and whip that struck my skin and split my flesh. I remembered every word of hate, ownership, and degradation. Every slut, every worthless hole, and every whore that was whispered in my ears as tears streamed down my face. I remembered choking on the taste of my blood as it filled my mouth when my nose got broken from being slammed into the nightstand, a table, the floor.
Every moment was accounted for, no matter how hard I tried to forget. It was like my brain had hard-wired them into its deepest dark recesses just to taunt me as soon as I had the opportunity to escape.
I screamed silently when arms wrapped around me and lifted me off the floor as I hyperventilated. I shook my head from side to side, silently trying to free myself. My arms and legs pushed and punched and kicked. Deep grunts punctuated the static that drowned out every other sound until all I could hear were my whimpering cries. My pleas. My prayers.
“Shhhhh.”
Steel bands held me in place like an immovable force, trapping me against a hard body. Why wouldn’t they let me go? I needed to run. Please, please, don’t hurt me. Please.
“It’s okay, River. It’s okay.” I threw my head, smashing it against the body that caged me in. “You’re safe. You’re safe.”
I’m not! I’ll never be safe as long as I’m breathing! I’ll never be safe. My memories will always be there. “I…I’ll…n-ne…ver…be…f-f-f-free.” The words wrenched their way out of my soul unbidden and coated my tongue with ash.
“Oh, River.” A pained whimper rocked through me. I couldn’t tell if it was me or him or both of us. “Please, please don’t say that. I’m here. I’ll always keep you safe, no matter what. I promise you. I won’t let them hurt you. I promise. I promise. I promise …”
Every inhale burned like I was inhaling poison, making my lungs melt. My throat ached like I’d swallowed shards of glass. I could hear someone calling my name far, far away.
Warm hands cupped my cheeks, and soft pants of air brushed over my lips. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not alone, River. I’m here. I’m here.” His deep melodic voice repeated the words over and over until it became a metronome for every beat of my heart. His inhales became mine as he breathed against me, filling my lungs, forcing the panic that had ravaged me to retreat. “That’s it, good boy. Again.” His lips brushed against mine, warm and soft. His hand cupped my face, his thumb brushing away the torrent of tears that still streamed down my cheeks.
A whimper pushed its way up my throat, and I shuddered under his tender attention. His hypnotic eyes bored into me as my vision slowly cleared, the darkness receding. The depth of emotion that glistened in them made my heart rate spike once again. I clutched at his navy henley. I didn’t know if I was trying to pull him closer, push him away, or imbed myself into him so he could never leave me.
Every thought and memory in my mind was a chaotic mess. I was drowning in a raging storm, and he was the lifeline that had been thrown my way. I hated feeling like this, so lost and out of control. Being around Bane made me weak, and that was something I couldn’t afford to be. The armor I’d encased myself in for years had been stripped away, leaving me vulnerable and exposed. He was my kryptonite, my damnation, and my salvation. No matter how much I wanted him, wanted to be saved by him, I couldn’t be. I knew that. His life was his own. He was strong and practically perfect in every way, and I would be nothing more than a stain on everything he’d achieved, everything he could be.
I needed to dig deep and bury every feeling that had started to bloom inside me. They could only be shadows of what could have been, for they will never see the light of day. With my mind made up, I pushed Bane back. His intoxicating cedarwood and leather scent threatened to dissolve the resolve I’d forced upon myself. A look of hurt flashed across his face as I pushed against his shoulders again. It hurt more than I wanted to admit. Every time he hurt, it was like hammering a rusty nail into my heart. But this was the right thing to do. It was the only choice.
Bane drew back and sat against the headboard of my bed, and wiped away the dampness from his face with a shaky hand. “Are you okay?”
I licked my lips, tasting the salt of my tears, and nodded. “Yess,” I hissed, my inner turmoil granting me the power to use my voice.
Bane didn’t look convinced as the furrow between his brows deepened. “That’s the second time today you’ve spoken to me.” A light flickered in his eyes, almost like he was proud of me. He couldn’t be—I wouldn’t allow it. “What happened?”
His deep voice was soothing, a gentle wave lapping at the icy fire that licked through my veins. I shrugged and hauled myself up, so I mirrored him. With my back against the headboard, I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and creating a barrier between us. The bedding between us became a no-man’s-land, a barren wasteland of everything that could have been, of every thought and feeling neither of us wanted to admit. A death before life had ever taken hold, the place where all good intentions went to die.
Out of words, I pulled my phone from my back pocket and typed a message.
I had a flashback. It felt like I was back there with…
Bane’s phone vibrated in his hand and a look flitted across his features that I couldn’t name as he read my message.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head and chewed the inside of my cheek.
“If you don’t want to talk to me, I can recommend someone else. Joelle is very good, and she’s helped me a lot over the years. She could help you process everything you’ve been through.”
No!
“River, please.” Bane looked at me, using the full force of the magnetism that surrounded him like some kind of manipulative mind control.
I SAID NO!
He held up his hands in surrender. “I won’t force you to do anything, okay?” I nodded but couldn’t meet his eyes. Please, please force me. Don’t let me go. “I’m here for you, however you need me to be. Always.”
I scoffed and shook my head. He didn’t know what he was promising. As beautiful as it sounded and as much as I wanted to, it could never come to fruition. I wouldn’t allow it.
I know.
“James should be nearly finished. Would you like a coffee?” I blinked up at him once. “Or what about a hot cocoa with marshmallows? Then we can chill and watch a movie or something downstairs?”
A shout from downstairs saved me from answering. “Uh, Mr. Benson, I think I’m all done here. I just need to make sure everything is all linked to your phone.”
Bane looked at me and sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. “I’ll see to this, then you can join me downstairs when they’re gone. There’s something I need you to look at as part of the case.” With that, Bane pushed up off the bed and closed the door behind him, not sparing me a second glance.
He wanted to talk to me about the case. Now that, I could do. It would be the perfect distraction and give me time to remember who I was before Bane came back into my life, so leaving wouldn’t be so hard. Hurting him would be a fatal wound I’d never be able to heal from.