27. River
CHAPTER 27
RIVER
“ U gh, g-get off. It’s too early for kisses,” I groaned as a rough tongue lapped at my face. “Shadow, no more. Stop. Ugh, p-please?” I batted him away until he left me to sulk alone at my rude awakening. “I’m awake, alright?”
With my eyes still closed, I pulled the blankets up over my face and inhaled Bane’s cedarwood and leather scent that was ingrained in the material, needing some kind of connection with him. Since I’d been staying at his house, I could count on one hand the number of nights I’d spent without him under the same roof, but none had been as tough as last night.
After Colton left with Snowy, his little white pom-pom-whatever-it’s-called puppy, the house had felt like a crypt. Shadow had kept me company as I curled up on the gray couch and watched a few episodes of Is It Cake? Then acted as an emotional support dog while I’d bawled my eyes out when Domitianus found his sex slave Hermes in bed with one of his guards and lost his ever-loving shit. I wouldn’t say he loved Hermes—I didn’t think he was capable of it—but he felt an entitlement over him. Ownership. Something I knew and understood all too well. Eventually, he’d had poor Hermes strapped to the front of a boat and watched as a giant crocodile ate him without shedding a tear.
People with power were heartless assholes the world over, and it didn’t seem to matter if it was part of humanity’s history or the present day. People seemed to be addicted to power, control, and ownership. History was doomed to repeat itself, and it made me sick to my back teeth.
Nothing I had done had kept my mind off missing Bane. He was like a phantom limb. An intrinsic piece of me was gone, and I felt its absence with every breath. Was I codependent on him? Without a fucking doubt. Bane was my tether, the one thing that grounded me and stopped me from spiraling out of control. He kept the darkness that controlled my mind at bay. He was my light. My heart.
No matter how hard I tried to implement all the things Joelle suggested, I still struggled. Every single fucking day. My intrusive thoughts grew louder when I was alone and I’d find myself thinking of all the ways Bane’s life would be better if I wasn’t there dragging him down.
He deserved so much better than me.
I didn’t regret a single second I’d spent with him since he’d walked into that interrogation room and had collapsed on the ground at my feet. He’d brought me back from the brink and saved my sanity. I’d been fracturing at the seams, and it was his love and support that pieced me back together. But still…
A loud bark right by my head made me jolt up so fast the room spun. I peeled my eyes open. “What?!” The little shit sat next to the bed, wagging his tail. “You need to go for a pee?” If a dog could nod, Shadow did. “Fine!” I groaned, kicked the blankets off, and shuffled toward the door, pausing only to yank Bane’s ridiculously larger sweatpants up before I tripped over them and headed downstairs. “You and me both, buddy. You and me both. Now go out and do your business while I do mine.”
A yawn stretched my mouth as I opened the back door for Shadow and left it a jar so he could get back in, then hurried upstairs for a piss and a quick shower. Once I felt human, I’d call Bane and find out what was going on. Worry gnawed at me, making me feel all kinds of lost and unsettled.
Water clung to the glass as I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel off the heated rail. I smiled despite feeling myself starting to spiral. I’d used Bane’s shower gel so I could smell like him. His scent was intoxicating, but this was a poor imitation. It was missing something fundamental—him.
Steam coiled in the air so thickly, I could hardly see a foot in front of my face. I was slightly obsessed with having a shower hot enough to melt your skin from your bones. It was a novelty and a privilege I’d never take for granted. Having spent so many years showering in a filthy cubicle with water that felt like fresh glacial melt, I appreciated everything being here had afforded me. Things most people took for granted were like a blessing from the gods.
I glanced up at the mirror that was covered in a glistening sheen of condensation, and tears stung my eyes at the message emblazoned on it. He must have left it yesterday before leaving for the station. “Oh, Bane,” I whimpered, my finger tracing the letters on the glass.
You own my heart,
so I’ve left it with you.
Keep it safe until I come home.
“I can’t believe you’ve made me cry. And you’re not even here, so I can yell at you for it.” Not that I would—my voice was still far too brittle for that—but the thought burned brightly in my brain, smothering the crushing loneliness I was feeling. It was devastating. I’d never felt so pathetic in my life. I had everything I’d ever dreamed of, but right now, I was miserable.
“You’re p-pathetic. What does he see in you? You need to be stronger than this.” Scoffing at myself, I shook my head and brushed my teeth, trying to think of anything other than the wound festering in my heart.
By the time I’d finished up in the bathroom, gotten dressed, and grabbed my phone off the nightstand, Shadow was waiting for me in the kitchen. His tail thumped on the hardwood floor as he stared forlornly at his empty food bowl. “Seriously, a-anyone would think we didn’t f-feed you.” I chuckled and scratched his head, topped up his bowl, and flicked the kettle on.
While I was waiting, I checked my phone for missed calls or messages, but my screen was blank. I worried the broken skin at the edge of my thumbnail as I tried to work out what was best to do. Joelle’s voice flitted through my mind with an unholy number of exercises she’d given me to do when I felt like I was drowning. “This homework will really help cement everything we’ve been discussing over the last few weeks.” My eyes rolled back in my head. I wanted to yell back that I was trying, but sometimes it felt like I was still failing. I was angry at myself for feeling this way, but also with Bane, because I needed him and he wasn’t here. He was my strength when mine failed, the light that sat with me in the shadows when they were too strong for me to fight back on my own.
With nothing better to do, I made a cup of chamomile tea, another one of Joelle’s suggestions for when I felt like I was crumbling, and took my meds. My brain was foggy as I tried to remember if I’d taken my meds last night, but I came up blank. Maybe that was why I was struggling so much now. Maybe all I needed was time. Time for the chemicals to help rewire my brain so everything connected the way it should. I needed to learn to dance in the rain, because even this storm would pass.
The doorbell rang, and my mug slipped from my grasp and crashed onto the granite, spilling my tea everywhere. “Well, this is inconvenient,” I grumbled as I headed to the door. I glanced through the peephole and saw Sharon with a warm smile on her face.
“I know you’re there, River,” she said softly. “I’m not coming in, I’ve got something…”
Unlocking the dead bolts took some time, but when I pulled it back, her shoulders relaxed. “S-sorry.” I scuffed my foot against the door frame, struggling to hold eye contact with her and felt my cheeks heat.
“Hush now, dear. None of that. I’ve got something of yours that I’ve been meaning to return. Luckily for you, Montoya called this morning, and it triggered my memory. It’s a funny story, really. One of my colleagues—Kirsty—picked it up and put it in her locker by mistake, thinking it was her son’s. I put it down in my guest room and completely forgot where I’d put it. It’s my age, you see.” She chuckled, her eyes dancing with mirth. “But was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d drop by and finally give this to you.”
“Y-you’re…n-not old.”
The warmth in her smile went all the way to her eyes, and it felt like a warm hug. Other than Mrs. Wilkinson, no woman had ever looked at me like they cared, but Sharon did. She handed me a bag, and I peeked inside curiously.
“It’s the bag you had with you at the hospital. I couldn’t save the clothes you were wearing, as they were ruined.” I shrugged, because I’d hardly had anything clothing left on my body by the time Dahlia was done with me.
“T-thank you.” I tried to smile, but it hurt. My emotions were a raging storm inside me, and I felt like a candle about to be snuffed out. Sometimes, just functioning was impossible, and today seemed to be one of those days. I needed to go before I said something that would upset her, and I didn’t want to do that.
“Alright then.” A look of concern washed over her face, but one of the things I liked about Sharon was that she didn’t pry. She would listen if you needed her to, but never pushed, and I was so grateful for that. “Say hi to Jacob for me and try to have a good day, River.”
She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze before carefully descending the steps and driving off. I stayed on the porch while her car disappeared down the street. A prickle of unease crept up my spine, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end like someone was watching me. I glanced up and down the road, trying to pinpoint which car was the unmarked one, but it was pointless. I had no idea what I was looking for in the first place.
Letting out an exasperated breath, I kicked the door shut and locked it securely. Shadow trotted over to meet me before I could take another step, sniffing curiously at the bag in my hand. Carrying it into the kitchen, I set it down on the counter, avoiding the spilled tea, and turned my attention to the bag.
The bag was absolutely filthy and not worth saving, which was a shame because I really liked it. The fabric reeked like a sewer, and I didn’t even want to think about what might be clinging to the material. My chest tightened, and my heart pounded like a war drum as I rifled through the obvious pockets, praying nothing had been taken. Hidden inside the bag was something crucial—a USB stick I’d risked my life to get for Bane. I clung to the hope that it held enough evidence to finally bring Dahlia down, giving Bane the leverage he needed and me a shot at a peace I’d never dared to imagine.
I had long resigned myself to the idea that death was my only path to peace, but now, for the first time, I held something far greater within my fragile grasp—the promise of a future, of love. Reality stood between me and every one of my dreams. What I once dismissed as delusions, I now recognized for what they truly were: hope. I understood the difference now between a life resigned to despair and one fueled by the belief that dreams could become reality if I fought hard enough. This drive would hopefully tip the scales in our favor and help us win the war we—Bane—had been waging and finally end the suffering of thousands.
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath, running my fingers along the inner seam of the bag, searching for the threads I’d carefully unpicked. My hands trembled as I rigorously searched for the hidey-hole I’d made. I felt a hard bulge under my fingertip and slowly traced it. A breath punched out of my chest, and a smile curved my lips. “Yes,” I hissed, and slowly extracted the black rectangle from the inner lining of the bag.
“I can’t believe it.” My crazy plan had actually worked. I leapt off the stool, cheering as disbelief coursed through me. For once, something I’d set my mind to had succeeded. Joelle’s voice echoed in my head, clear and reassuring. You’re capable of many amazing things, River. The memory hit me hard, and I swallowed back a sob.
Tears blurred my vision as an unfamiliar emotion washed over me, overwhelming and impossible to name. Was this achievement? Pride? Whatever it was, it rooted me in place, making it hard to focus on what I needed to do next. Shaking it off, I slapped my hand across the granite countertop, searching for my phone. The moment my fingers found it, I dialed Bane’s number without hesitation.
Each ring felt like an eternity, my nerves fraying more with every passing second. My confidence faltered, resolve crumbling as I prepared for disappointment. But just as I was about to hang up, his deep, gravelly voice came through the line.
“Angel?” He breathed a weary sigh. “Are you okay? I’m so sor?—”
“I-I need you to come h-home. Now.”
“River, what’s wrong?” Something banged, and the echo down the phone made me freeze. I needed to reassure him quickly.
“N-nothing.” I licked my suddenly dry lips and cleared the lump lodged in my tight throat. “Y-you remember when I said I w-went in search of her…f…for a reason?” I asked with a shaky voice.
“Yes, of course. You never told me what, though?” The hint of accusation in his tone made me wince, but I brushed it off. He was probably exhausted and stressed. All that pain and suffering was about to be worth it.
“W-well, I remembered you telling me about USB drives and t-that they stored i-important information.”
“I did, yes.” I could picture the confusion on his face as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “But what does that have to do?—”
I didn’t let him finish, knowing if I didn’t get this out now, I never would. Steeling my spine, I drew on every ounce of strength I possessed. “I-It’s simple, really. After you talked to me about them, I remembered that D-Dahlia always carried a laptop and it had something that looked like the one you’d shown me so…”
“So you left me, put your life at risk, and nearly shattered my heart—all to get hers?” Bane’s voice rose, thick with anguish. Each shuddering gasp revealed his pain.
“I-I’m s…sorry. I didn’t…” I huffed out an anxious sigh. “I w-wouldn’t…” I shook my head as tears pricked the back of my eyes.
“I’m sorry, angel. I…it just hurts so much. Every time I close my eyes, I see you lying in that bed. It reminds me of when…”
His words trailed off, but I knew exactly what he meant. It reminded him of his family and the day he lost them. “I’m sorry, I never meant?—”
He interrupted me. “I know, angel.” He swallowed audibly. “What did you?—”
I cut in, sounding rather hysterical as I tried to regulate my chaotic emotions and relayed to him how Sharon had turned up with my bag. “I have it, Bane. Here in my hand. The one I pulled out of her laptop when…” I bit my lip, holding back my words. He didn’t need me to rehash everything I’d gone through when she’d walked into the room. I never wanted to cause him pain, more than I already had.
The line was silent for a couple of beats, bar Bane’s staccato inhalations. “Do you know what’s on it?” he finally said.
“I don’t have a clue, but it’s got to have something incriminating on it, right?” I deflated like a burst balloon and sank to the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arm around them, needing support and comfort. Shadow appeared as if I’d summoned him and pushed his head under my arm. Just his presence eased my turmoil.
“I believe in you, angel.” The dulcet tone of his voice soothed me. “And I think it might be the very thing we need to link everything together.” I smiled so hard my face ached, even though tears still flowed down my cheeks. “I need you to put it somewhere safe until I get home, okay?”
“Yes.” My voice trembled as much as the hand trying to hold my phone up to my ear.
He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it home to you last night.” His sincerity swelled my heart. “Once this case is over, I promise you things are going to change. You are the keeper of my heart. You are my sole priority, angel. I will do better for you.”
“I-I…love you.” The words tasted like levity and freedom. Hope.
“I love you too, River. But there’s something I need to tell you, and I hate that I can’t be there with you right now. It breaks my fucking heart. But you deserve to know. The raid was a failure. She knew, River. We definitely have a mole.”
“D-Davis.” I breathed life into the name and hoped it had the power to destroy him. “I said h-he was t-there…”
“Yes, you did, but Bower dismissed it when I spoke to him. Said he’d keep an eye on him because he couldn’t believe someone he’s gone through the academy with would betray him.”
“He was the one who f-found me in the…w-warehouse and took me to her. I recognized his voice when he brought that guy over to the house to do the alarms,” I choked out, feeling helpless. “I-I recognized him, but I’d never seen his face and assumed it was a coincidence, until…”
“I know. I know, River. I’m hoping he’ll take me seriously now.” Bane sighed, tired and weary, like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. “I’m sorry for raising my voice at you. I just feel so damn frustrated right now. There’s so much I need to tell you, but it’s not the right time, the right place. I’ll tell you the next time I see you.”
Something in what he said felt off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but alarm bells rang in my head. He was always open and honest with me. But today, he was a vault, keeping something vital close to his chest.
“O-okay.” I cuddled Shadow, needing him to be my mini Bane until I could be in his arms again.
“Keep yourself safe. Don’t leave the house and keep Shadow close. We’ve had another lead, and I think this is going to be it angel. We’re almost at the end.” I gasped at the raw need in his voice. “I promise you, it’s almost over. Just keep yourself safe for me and I’ll explain everything when I get home.”
“O-okay. I-I can do that.”
“Good. Love you.”
He hung up before I could tell him I loved him too. My eyes dropped to the USB in my hand. I knew exactly where to put it. The only person who would ever think to look there would be Bane, because he knew its secret.
My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. Shadow bounced between my feet as I moved slower than molasses. I collapsed on my bed, emotionally wrecked, and picked up the wooden heart off the nightstand. It was a bit like a Rubik’s Cube, made up of different coloured pieces of wood, each one with its own unique texture. But what you couldn’t tell was that if you pressed certain pieces in the right order, it opened up and was just big enough to keep the USB safe until he got home. Wrung out, I pulled the covers over my trembling body and closed my eyes, praying the next time they opened, I would be wrapped in Bane’s arms.