Chapter 2
CHAPTER
TWO
JAMIE
W e stood and watched the bus fade from view as it drove down the road. The world seemed unnaturally quiet now the kids had gone, like the silent lull before a storm. But the air felt electric and the blood in my veins hummed. Everything was about to change, again. I just hoped it was for the better.
“Don’t cry, JJ.” Aunt Clara brushed tears off my cheeks I didn’t know were falling. “It’s going to be okay.” I sucked in a shuddering breath and looked into her eyes, expecting to see pity like I had done so many times in the past after Mom… but all I saw was love and understanding.
“I-I’m scared.” The words tore themselves from my lips as she wrapped her arms around me. She hugged like a mom; tight, firm, and true.
“I won’t lie to you.” She pulled back, brushing my cheeks dry again. “It’s not gonna be easy for you, Jamie.” I sighed, chewing my bottom lip to hold back the cry that wanted to escape. “You’ve been through so much in the last eighteen years. Too much for someone so young.” She cupped my face, the heat emanating from her palm warmed my cool skin. “But Selene…” She sniffed, and licked her lips. “Your mom would be so proud of who you’ve become and who you will be. She loved you more than life itself, sweetie. Never doubt that.”
“I-I always thought it would be us…” My voice gave out, but I could tell she knew what I meant by the sad smile that lit her face. The plan had always been for mom to drive me to college and help me set up my dorm room, but as with many things, the best laid plans didn’t mean shit. Life was cruel and had a way of crushing your hopes and dreams before they had a chance to come to fruition.
“Go live your life. Chase your dreams.” Her thumb stroked across my cheekbone as longing filled her words. “Fall in love. Have that great romance you both used to sit and read about. Okay?”
I nodded mutely, struggling to breathe. My lungs felt like they were being crushed. And my heart? Well, that had been broken five years ago. That useless thing was nothing but a bruised effigy of what used to be a vital beating organ.
“Good.” She squeezed my shoulder before releasing me. “Go get in the car. I just need to grab my bag and lock up.”
I smiled, even though it felt like I was fighting quick drying cement on my skin. “Sure.” I took one last look over the fields opposite me, watching as heads of corn chased the shadows of the clouds blowing overhead. The bright blue sky was darkening as a murky gray spiderwebbed across it above the clouds. I felt like my anxiety was polluting everything, staining it. The dry grass crunched under foot as I crossed the yard to my aunt’s Honda, the black paintwork faded and pockmarked, but it was as reliable as they came, and given our current circumstances, that was something we needed.
Briar U was about a three-hour drive from Bentwaters where we currently lived, and I was beyond grateful to be getting out of this narrow-minded backwater. Even though I couldn’t admit it, I was hopeful Briar U being on the edge of a large city like Jamieson meant it would be more progressive. Maybe I’d finally find the strength to let go of childhood promises and do exactly what my aunt wanted me to do and open myself up to love.
I scoffed at the thought. I might not have advertised my interest in guys, but I must have put some kind of signal out into the world, because I’d been propositioned a handful of times in the last few years by closeted jocks. They were like my own personal brand of kryptonite. Big, built, and brooding made alarms blare in my head every time one of them cornered me in the hallways or the locker room. I didn’t know if I wanted to scream and run, or get down on my knees and beg for mercy.
I’d kissed a grand total of one guy; the one who still owned every facet of my being. I’d promised myself that with this move being my fresh start, it was time to let go of childhood naivety. Of promises made and shared on my thirteenth birthday and get myself out there and see what a real relationship was like. I didn’t like the hookup culture that everyone else seemed to rave about. I wanted a connection. I wanted something deep and meaningful, not just to scratch an itch—not that I’d had that other than with him .
The car door banging closed snapped me out of my meandering thoughts, and I linked back to reality. “You ready to go, Jamie?”
“Yup. Thanks for doing this for me.”
“Don’t be stupid, JJ. You’re family. I’d do anything for you. Speaking of…” She reached into her bag and pulled out a massive manilla envelope and handed it over to me before shoving her bag into my footwell. “Daire gave me this for you. It’s got a burner phone with his number pre-programmed into it.” I glanced over at Aunt Clara as I fingered open the envelope. Apprehension marred her features. “I’m not saying you should need to use it, but?—”
“I know,” I interrupted her. I’d heard this speech so many times over the last few years, I could recite it in my sleep. “I’ll use it if anything feels off.” She smiled and squeezed my shoulder before starting the ignition. The Honda roared to life beneath us, and within minutes, we’d passed through the town limits and headed for the highway.
“Zack knows you’ll be moving again.”
Aunt Clara sighed like the weight of the world suddenly landed on her shoulders as I looked through the other documents Uncle Daire had given me. “I know.” She cleared her throat and adjusted her sunglasses. “He heard me talking to Daire the other night about our new location.” Amber eyes flicked over to me and glanced at the paperwork in my lap. My scholarship offer to Briar U was in the name of Jamie Bowen—my current name. I’d been Jamie something or other for the last five years, but I knew the score now; unlike when I’d first met Uncle Daire on that night. It was for my safety and protection. I understood it, and I was beyond grateful, but it sucked having to learn a new name every six months or so.
If I had to be honest with myself, I’m so damn tired. It’s not a physical kind of exhaustion—it’s in my soul. I’m tired of going through this shit, of nothing changing, of having to uproot my life over and over again. I’m sick of trying. It’s not that I don’t want to live, but more like it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up. It’s a silent battle I’ve waged against myself every day for the last two years. One I’ve hidden from the world, from those who love me. How would they react if they knew how broken I was, or how my dreams are haunted by memories I can’t escape? I’m scared they wouldn’t want me anymore, because I’m not sure if I can be fixed, or if I even want to be.
“How about some music?” Aunt Clara’s voice cut through the myriad of thoughts circling my anxious mind, pulling me back to what is meant to be a positive day.
“Sure. But only if I get to pick the station.”
She snorted and ended up coughing her guts up. I smirked at her when I saw tears streaming down her face. “You always pick the damn station, kid,” she croaked.
“I got a new one you’re gonna love too.” She scoffed as I flicked through the channels until I found the one I was looking for, and Sleep Token’s Alkaline blared through the crackling speakers. It sounded like the subwoofer had blown, but somehow it enhanced the song in a way that made the rest of the world turn into a blur as we merged onto the interstate and ate the miles.
“What in the living hell is this?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the look of horror on her face. “This is Sleep Token. They’re amazing!”
“They’ve got nothing on Linkin Park, kid.”
“If you say so.” I smirked, tipped my head back, and allowed my eyes to fall closed as she continued to mutter under her breath about my lack of musical taste. It wasn’t long before my lack of sleep caught up with me, and everything faded away as the movement of the car lulled me into unconsciousness.
“Wow. This place is hella impressive, Jamie.” Aunt Clara’s eyes bulged as we drove down the main boulevard past the campus buildings in the direction of the dorms. As part of my scholarship, I got the full board program. That meant I had food and a room for the four years it’d take for me to graduate with my degree. I just needed to work out what my major would be. I couldn’t decide between design, art, or architecture.
I was a creative at heart, much like mom and Aunt Clara, but I also loved numbers and nature. It was an odd combination of subjects that I enjoyed, but I loved the juxtaposition between the freedom nature and art offered versus the rigidity and order of numbers and architecture.
“The buildings are beautiful, the streets lined with trees, and gorgeous open spaces where you could sit and relax between lectures. I’m jealous. It kinda makes me wish I went to college.”
“Ha! Good one. You’ve never stopped saying how much you hated school and the oppressive structure of it all.”
She snorted. “I can’t argue with that. I’m gonna need you to direct me to your dorms.”
“I’ve got you. You want the second left. My building is in the same quadrant as the sports dorms.”
“Guess they thought you scholarship kids would be a good influence on all those hotheaded jocks.”
I shrugged even though she wasn’t paying me any attention. “Yeah, maybe.” It only took us a few minutes to find a space in the parking lot opposite my building, just enough time for me to put my mask on so Aunt Clara wouldn’t worry about me. My throat was drier than the Sahara, and my stomach was filled with an angry swarm of wasps, but on the outside, I looked relaxed. I just hoped it was enough to put Aunt Clara at ease so she wouldn’t linger and end up being late for Jessie and Zack when they finished school.
She turned the ignition off and turned in her seat to look at me. “What do you want to do first? Grab your boxes or check out your room?”
I sucked in a deep steadying breath as I pondered her question. “Let’s grab some boxes then go check in with the RA. I’m guessing that’s him standing outside the building.” I tried not to laugh as I took in the stark contrast between the two buildings that faced each other across the lot. One was all sparkling white stone and windows that shone like mirrors, and the other a dull gray with windows covered in a film of dirt that looked like they hadn’t been cleaned in well, ever.
“Sounds like a plan. Let’s get to it.” We slipped out of the car and loaded ourselves up with boxes. I only had six, so we’d only need one other trip, and all my worldly possessions would be in their new home.
We strode between discarded cars and around people who seemed to stop for no reason right in front of you and made our way to the guy in the royal-blue polo shirt. He was a jock, with broad shoulders and thick biceps that flexed as he turned the pages on his clipboard. His tanned arms were muscled and every little movement highlighted the veins that threaded his forearms. My mouth was dry, my tongue sticking to the roof, and the ability to speak evaded me as he held out his hand and chuckled. Pink tinged his cheeks as he took in the boxes braced in my arms. Pale green eyes looked at me through thick lashes, and his lush lips curled up into a devilish smirk. “Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m on the football team.” Figured as much. They all look like gods, and this guy was no exception. Even so, he didn’t hold a torch to the god that broke me. “I take it you’re moving in today?”
Aunt Clara chuckled next to me. “What gave it away? The boxes?”
“Uh, yes ma’am.” Taylor seemed a bit flustered before he regained control of himself. Weird. “All the team are helping out today at the dorms as we welcome this year’s freshmen to Briar U.”
“That’s wonderful. So thoughtful…” Aunt Clara’s voice faded away as my eyes caught on bright rainbow hair that bobbed along the sidewalk. It belonged to a small girl, with her arm wrapped around the waist of another taller girl with long black hair that went down to her waist. I smiled, and even though it was wrong of me to assume, I hoped this meant the school was LGBTQ+ positive. “Thank you so much, Taylor. I’m sure we’ll find it without any issue. It was the third floor, right?”
“Yup. Room three-oh-one. Any issues, you know where I am.”
A throat cleared, and I snapped my gaze in the direction of the sound to see Aunt Clara smiling so wide it illuminated. “You ready, kid?” I nodded mutely, unable to connect my brain and mouth and followed her through the growing throngs of people. “I think you’re really gonna like it, Jamie. It’s got a nice feel to the place.”
“Yeah,” I croaked. I cleared my throat as we slipped into the cool building and made our way to the elevator and piled in along with two other kids and their parents. Everyone gave each other uncertain smiles as the numbers ticked on the display panel. The kids wore a similar expression as me, one of nervous anticipation, while the parents beamed like Aunt Clara. Only time would tell if these kids ever spoke to me, but I didn’t hold out much hope. I struggled to make friends, let alone talk to someone new in such an intense setting. Thankfully, the elevator stopped on my floor—which was also theirs—before any inane small talk was required. Sweat beaded on the back of my neck as I trailed after Aunt Clara like a lost puppy as she counted down the numbers till she came to my room. My new home.
The door was ajar. I pushed it open with my toe to see one bare bed, the walls and desk surrounding it equally as stark on the right-hand side, whereas the bed on the left was covered in a riot of color. It felt like I’d need to sleep in my sunglasses. “I’ll pop these on your bed, JJ, and go and get the last couple of boxes while you settle in and start to unpack, yeah?” Before I answered, Aunt Clara swept from the room, and I was left standing there like some kind of idiot, unable to move, clutching my box like it was a liferaft in a storm.