Chapter 4
CHAPTER
FOUR
JAMIE
I placed my boxes on the desk in front of the window, then collapsed on the bed and threw my arm over my face. I was equal parts exhausted and wired. I felt like I could sleep for a hundred years, but the thought of shutting my eyes filled me with a kind of existential dread. The door creaked, and the sound of footsteps drew my attention as I sucked in a deep breath. “Just put them next to the others on the desk,” I mumbled.
“Aww, shit,” a soft sweet voice said. “I’m sorry, I came empty handed.” My eyes snapped open as his words registered, and I sprung off the bed like someone had lit a match under my ass.
“Ugh.” My mouth went dry, and the entire English language evaporated out of my head, leaving nothing but tumbleweeds behind. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and prayed the power of speech would return.
The boy in front of me cracked a smile, lighting up his face. His dark blond hair looked like he’d just gotten out of bed. Judging by the rumpled sheets on the other side of the room, it was entirely possible. But it was his sea glass-green eyes that caught my attention. They held a warmth in them I hadn’t seen in the last few years, and I felt instantly at ease.
“Hey, I’m Malachi, your new roomie.”
“Uh, hi.” I licked my lips and held out my hand. Malachi looked down at it, then up at me, and back down again before tilting his head to the side. I rubbed my hand on my jeans again, worried I had dirt or something on it, when he lurched at me and wrapped me up in a warm hug. It’s the kind a mom gives, and my eyes started to prickle with heat.
“None of that formal stuff here, okay?” He stepped back and cupped my face. Still mute, all I could do was nod.
“This is the last of it, kid.” Aunt Clara’s voice cut through whatever this was, and Malachi stepped back before turning his beaming smile on my aunt.
“Hey,” he held out his hand to her, which she gladly took. “I’m Malachi, his new roommate. I promise I’ll look after him and show him the ropes. I’m a junior here, so I know everything there is to know.”
“Lovely to meet you. I’m Clara, and this is Jamie. What a sweetie you are.” Heat spread across Malachi’s cheeks at my aunt’s words. “I didn’t expect juniors to still be in dorms.”
“It’s part of our scholarship agreements. We have to stay in the accommodation provided, or we lose our funding.”
“Oh,” Aunt Clara said, dropping his hand like she’d forgotten she was still holding it. “I guess I missed that bit. Right, well, I won’t cramp your style, boys.” She gave a tight smile as if she could fool anyone that those weren’t tears pooling in her eyes as she looked at me.
Without conscious thought, I threw my arms around her shoulders and hugged her tightly. “I’m gonna miss you. Thanks for everything you’ve done for me,” I croaked, as the first tear slid down my cheek. I felt like I would lose the last connection to my mom when she walked out that door, so I clung on extra tight.
“Shhhh, kid. It’s gonna be alright.” She kissed the top of my head and ran her hands up and down my back. The continuous movement helped to soothe me. “I’m never further than a phone call away.” She chuckled. “And you know Jessie will be phoning you once she’s back from school.”
“Yeah, I do.”
Aunt Clara took a step back, braced her hands on my shoulders, gave me a final squeeze, and looked into my eyes. “She would be so proud of you, JJ. Don’t doubt yourself, because she wouldn’t want that. Live life, get involved, and enjoy this amazing experience.”
“Sure.” I sniffed, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.
“Right boys, I’ll be off.” With a wave over her shoulder, she slipped out the door, and when it clicked shut, I felt a shudder roll through me like a crashing wave. I felt untethered in a way I hadn’t done before. So much had changed in the last five years, all of it beyond my control, but this felt too big, too impossible. Like I was in the Matrix, and Morpheous was giving me a choice—take the red pill and my life would stay the same, or take the blue pill and nothing would ever be the same again. I just didn’t know if this change would be a good thing or not.
A throat clearing pulled me back from my mental spiral, and I looked at Malachi through my lashes. All pretenses of the confidence I’d tried to convince myself I had fled at that moment. “Umm.” I licked my tear-stained lips and shrugged. “Sorry about that.”
“Hey, Jamie, it’s no biggie.” He smiled that impossibly bright smile, and my lips curled in response. “How about I help you get unpacked, then take you for a coffee and introduce you to some more people like us?”
It sounded too good to be true. He wanted to help me unpack and introduce me to his friends? I’d never met anyone like that before. Now, that’s a lie, isn’t it? Well, no one other than him. But that was a lifetime ago, and it wasn’t like I’d ever see him again.
I coughed to clear the lump in my throat. “Sure, sounds good.”
“Sweet! What d’ya wanna do? Make your bed or unpack your clothes?”
I smiled. “I’ll do clothes and all my junk. The bedding should be in the box?—”
“Marked bedding?” Malachi snickered.
“Yup.” I dragged my boxes of clothes over to the closet and started unpacking. I was pleasantly surprised to find hangers in there on one side for my tops and shelves on the other for jeans and pants. Luckily, there was enough space at the bottom for my collection of shoes. It was mind-numbing work, but it helped calm my lingering nerves, and in no time at all, my boxes were unpacked. My stuff littered the shelves, including little knick knacks mom and I had collected together, each one holding a special memory that helped me feel closer to her.
“Gotta say, that’s an improvement. I was getting bored of staring at white walls and a mattress.”
“Oh? What happened to your last roomie?” I said as I plopped down on my bed. The mattress was firm but had a soft top, not the kind of thing I was expecting in a dorm room.
Malachi mirrored me, sitting on his bed while changing his high tops for a pair of rainbow sneakers. My eyes caught on the bright colors, and I wondered if he just loved color or if he was making a statement. I looked up at him with the question on the tip of my tongue.
“I’m ace,” he said, tying off his laces with a small smile on his face.
“I…I…”
“I could see the question on your face, sweet cheeks.”
“Oh.” I chuckled. “Sorry.” My cheeks heated as mortification set in.
“Nah, don’t be. Anyway, people like us have got to stick together.” My mouth fell open and closed like a fish out of water. “It’s okay, y’know? This is a safe space.”
I sucked in a sharp breath and traced a pattern on my thigh, pulling the frayed threads on my jeans. “I’ve never told anyone. Well, no, that’s not entirely true. I haven’t told my family.”
Malachi looked at me with understanding and compassion. “I’m sure your aunt would love you no matter what. She’s got such a pure aura, y’know?” I nodded. I might not be able to see auras, but my aunt was as pure as they came. She loved fiercely, just like Mom, embraced everyone she met, and was always willing to help a stranger. Even though the last two years had been some of the darkest, most challenging of her life—thanks to yours truly—she still did everything she could for me. I owed her and Daire so much. I knew I’d never be able to repay them for all they’d done, but I could try and make them proud.
“I do.” I hiccuped. “There’s just been so much going on recently what with my mom and…” A vise wrapped around my throat, stealing my words. I chewed my lip, and my eyes fell closed. I didn’t realize I’d started crying again until the bed dipped and an arm wrapped around my shoulder.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Malachi said softly.
“I know.” I tried to swallow back my tears. “It’s just it was always meant to be me and mom. We’d talked about it so much, how we’d road trip me to college and call in at a local mom-and-pop diner on the way up and eat burgers and dirty fries and end up with grease stains on our tops but we wouldn’t care… b-because we were together.” I looked up at him through my lashes. Sympathy etched his features as he wiped away my tears. It seemed that now they’d started, I couldn’t find the off switch.
“That sounds awesome.” He sighed. “I wish it was the same for me.” I pulled away and turned to face him, pulling my right leg up to my chest. “My parents couldn’t wait to be rid of me. They thought I was a freak—broken—when I turned sixteen and hadn’t kissed anyone or even had a girlfriend. My pa tried to convince himself I was playing the field on the down-low.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It was alright until he went through my browser history and saw that I’d been researching the Kinsey Scale and what it means to be ace.” He shook his head as if to get rid of the memory. “It all happened so quickly after that. I was told to pack my shit and get out. I’ve not seen or spoken to my parents or my twin sisters since that night.”
“Oh Malachi, I’m so sorry.” My heart broke for this sweet boy. I was horrified at how his family had treated him. I didn’t understand how someone who was meant to love you unconditionally could be so cruel.
“I didn’t raise no faggot,” Dad’s voice boomed behind me. I wrapped my arms tightly around my leg until it felt like I couldn’t breathe, and my heartbeat whooshing in my ears.
“Eh, it is what it is. I just hope in a few years when the girls are old enough to think for themselves, they’ll want me in their lives.” He shrugged and hopped up off the bed, extending his hand to me. I slipped mine into his, and he pulled me up off the bed with a light giggle that seemed so at odds with the heavy conversation we’d just been having. “Anyway, enough of that heavy talk. We’re new friends, and it’s much too early in our friendship to be sharing the deepest darkest secrets.” He cracked a smile.
“Not gonna argue with you there,” I snarked. “And I do believe you promised me coffee, Malachi.”
“Call me Mal, please. All my friends do.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “I can tell we’re gonna be besties, Jamie.”
“Cool. You can call me JJ, then,” I muttered, as Mal dragged me out the door that closed with a resounding bang by the time we reached the elevator.
Mal smirked as he pushed the button. “What? You wanna take the stairs?”
“Hell no.” The metal doors slid open and we stepped in before they could shut. I heard someone shout for us to hold the elevator and stuck my hand between the door, hoping the sensor was working and I wouldn’t end up losing a hand less than an hour after I started college.
“Thanks, new kid,” a girl with blond pigtails said. She had glitter in a band over her eyes, something I’d never seen before, but it looked stunning on her.
“I like your makeup,” I whispered.
“Awww, thanks, short stack.” She held out her hand. “I’m Lyssa. I’ve got every color of the rainbow if you ever want to try some.” She gave me a bright grin and exited the moment the door opened and disappeared into the crowd.
I followed behind Mal as he led me through the throng of bodies that were still filling the parking lot and sidewalk. Boxes were stacked haphazardly, while others lay on their sides, the contents covering the cement beneath my feet.
“Move in day is always nuts,” Mal said over his shoulder before linking our hands. I looked down to where his fingers were laced with mine, and a pang shot through my chest that I rubbed away with the knuckles of my free hand. “It’s just so I don’t lose you, JJ. I am not gonna maul you or nothing. Ace, remember. He winked. The pounding in my chest calmed slowly as the number of bodies around us started to thin. I wasn’t used to large crowds, and with Mal holding my hand, I felt like everyone was looking at me. I glanced around and realized everyone was so wrapped up in their own lives, that we were nothing but inconsequential strangers passing them on the street, but Dad’s words still echoed in my mind.
“Do you think you could give me a tour tomorrow so I don’t get lost when lectures start?”
“For sure! We’ll do it first thing in the morning. Actually—” He spun around so he was facing me and continued walking backward. “The person we’re going to meet is the best tour guide ever, and she knows all the gossip too. You okay if I ask her to tag along?”
“Don’t see why not?” I replied, my tone whisper soft.
Mal walked at a quick clip that made it impossible to take in the stunning grounds around me, but I was just glad to be outside stretching my legs. Anything was better than being stuck in that Honda. I wouldn’t have lasted another hour in that car. Thank god I chose Briar U instead of Board Lake, which was a further two hour drive. In no time at all, the smell of coffee permeated the air and the low buzz of chatter greeted my ears.
“Bean There, hands down, makes the best coffee on campus. There are other places you can get some, but it’s totally not worth it.”
“It could taste like crap for all I care. I’m super desperate.”
“Man after my own heart. I’ve only had two cups today!” Mal held the door open for me and as we stepped into Bean There, a wall of scents hit my face. I took a deep inhale, savoring the complex taste as it landed on my tongue. “What do you want, new roomie?”
“What?! No! I should get one for you since I’m invading your space and all.”
“Nonsense. It’s your first day. My treat.”
“Umm.” My eyes almost glazed over as I took in the drink options listed on the blackboards. “Wow.”
“Right?! This place is a caffeine lover’s heaven.”
“It sure is.” The weight of his stare on me made my heart thunder. I didn’t like being under pressure or the center of attention, and at the moment I was both. It was just too much for me to wrangle my mind into making any kind of decision. “How about you surprise me, and I’ll go grab a table?”
“Of course.” Mal’s smile was sweet and understanding. “If you head to the back and follow the rainbow, you’ll find my sister from another mister, Ava. She’s who we’re meeting.” I turned my head toward the back, followed the location Mal was pointing at, and saw the back of a rainbow head bobbing along to the music playing softly through hidden speakers.
“I see her. I’ll meet you there.” I swallowed down my fear, gritted my teeth, and headed over to the bobbing head. I cleared my throat and wrung my hands. “Hey, you must be Ava?”
“Oh. My. God. You must be the Jamie.” The pixie with a rainbow bob squealed as she launched herself out of her seat and clung to me like a koala. I chuckled and patted her back while trying to unlatch her from me.
“Uh, Ava?”
“Yes?” She giggled, squeezing me even tighter.
“Umm, do you think you could release me?” I croaked, hardly able to breathe.
I felt more than heard her sigh. “Sure, I can,” she sulked. “I just love hugs. Sowwy.”
“It’s, umm… all good. Let’s have a seat and get to know each other while Mal gets our drinks?”
“Is he getting me one?”
“I, uh. I don’t know.” I shrugged.
“Mal!” Ava shouted so loud the café fell silent. “I want a double chocolate espresso.” Mal’s face lit up with a giant grin, even though he shook his head as he added another drink to the order being taken by the goth girl behind the counter. “Sooo, new bestie to be. How you doin’?”
“Did you just Joey me?”
Ava snickered. “Hell, yes!” She held her hand up for a high five, and I rolled my eyes while giving her exactly what she wanted. “Wasn’t so hard, was it?” She nudged me under the table with her foot. “We’ll look after you sweet summer child, don’t you worry.” Her words were infused with a confidence I didn’t possess. I wanted to believe her, but I spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was only a matter of time—I couldn’t outrun my past forever.