Chapter 6
CHAPTER
SIX
JAMIE
T he last few days were some of the best in my life. I felt safe and secure in a way I hadn’t in as long as I could remember. Ava was the most amazing tour guide, just as Mal said. She took us around campus, and showed me the best routes to go from lecture to lecture to avoid the crowds. She’d quickly worked out my aversion to overcrowded, loud places and people in general.
You could get lost in a crowd but you could also be found, and there were just too many moving parts to keep watch on. It made my skin crawl and my anxiety spike through the roof.
I saw questions in her eyes and prayed she’d never voice them. I wasn’t ready yet to talk to anyone about what haunted me. I didn’t know if I ever would be.
After sharing a room for a few nights, Mal suggested I meet with the college therapist, due to my nightmares waking him up multiple times every night. I wasn’t sure that was wise, and I rebuffed him every time he raised the suggestion. He accepted my unwillingness with a sad smile and didn’t push the point too far.
I wasn’t ready to share that part of myself and wasn’t sure I ever would be. So instead, we danced around the issues we both had and avoided talking about. Me, my mom, and what haunted me, and Mal with the lack of contact with his sisters and his parents’ disownment. We made a happy pair—or not—but we both put on a front and wore it like armor.
The late afternoon sun painted the sky with striking bands of orange, red, and gold, making the silhouetted buildings look like they were on fire as I crossed the main quad from the library and trudged toward my dorm. It had taken nearly a week for my final architecture books to come in.
Not that I minded; I loved the peace and solitude the library offered, and as far as I was concerned, not much beat the smell of books. Maybe bacon, or freshly cut grass, the smell of the earth after it rained, or one other that I resolutely refused to think about. Sea salt, musk, and sweat. One that was all man, even though when I’d last seen him, he was in that in-between stage—no longer a boy, but not yet a man. Dammit. Even my mind was against me, the damn traitor. I licked my lips as saliva pooled in my mouth at the thought of him.
I’d been an avid reader for years now, completely addicted to the escapism literary worlds offered. Nothing beat living vicariously through characters who overcame all the pain and suffering in their lives to find their happily ever after. It was a well-guarded secret that I was a romantic at heart, one who longed for a love worthy of Shakespeare’s poetic words. I wanted the epic love, the fight to keep it, and everything that came with my favorite three act book plots. Although I hated the third-act breakup that seemed to be a common theme in so many romance books, I guess it added a touch of reality to each story, and reminded the reader that no matter how epic the tale, how strong the main character’s love was, it was still balanced on a knife edge. One wrong move, one miscommunication, and the happiness they’d lost themselves in was ripped away.
“Hey, watch it, kid.” The loud nasal voice froze me in my tracks. The next thing I knew, someone shoulder checked me, making me lose my footing and stumbled forward. My knees crashed into the sidewalk, my books falling from my arms as I reached out to brace myself before my face smacked into it. I felt like I’d been hit by a train. I struggled to breathe, my lungs refusing to expand as I tried to draw air in.
Dazed and confused, it took me a couple of minutes to pull myself together enough to grab my books off the ground and stand up. Groups of students that were previously chatting stared at me, watching and waiting to see what would happen next.
A girl in a short red dress stood before me, her long blonde hair swaying in the breeze. Her hands rested on her hips, head cocked to the side. “Look where you’re going,” she sneered, her red lips curled in a snarl. Her friends giggled and looked at me like I was beneath them. Maybe I had ‘poor kid’ branded on my forehead and that’s why they looked at me like that. I didn’t know but I was grateful for this opportunity more than anyone knew.
“S-sorry,” I muttered and stared at the ground, waiting until they walked away. I heaved a sigh of relief when they moved on, but they weren’t quiet. I heard every one of the insults they hurled in my direction and just like that, the glow dimmed on what had been a great day.
My fingers flexed on my books as nervous energy ricocheted through me, turning my knuckles white. I needed some space, some time to decompress and let down my walls. But I couldn’t go back to my room because Mal and Ava were there, getting ready for a party they spent the day going on about. My bottom lip quivered as I bit back the tears burning the back of my eyes.
I made a split-second decision and turned away from campus, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. I walked until the voices of other students were nothing but a distant memory, until the cement path under my feet turned to grass, then leaf-littered dirt. Soon, I found myself in the woods that bordered the grounds and continued walking, even though my feet ached.
A study of maps of the local area one day in the library brought about a discovery of a lake located in the middle of dense woodland about twenty minutes from Briar U. Water and being surrounded by nature always calmed me in a way I could never articulate. It called to a part of me, resonated with my soul in some way that made me feel like I could breathe when it felt like the world was closing in around me.
Evening bird song filled the air, and cicadas chirped around me. The sounds of the forest enveloped me in a cocoon of safety as I followed an animal trail through the dense undergrowth. I could almost smell the water, feel its calm energy as I broke through the tree line and stepped onto a sloped grassy bank that led to the water’s edge, where the freshwater lapped against a sandy shore line. The water was stained with the colors of the sunset; burning golds and reds faded to shades of amethyst and indigo as another day drew to a close.
I dropped my books and bag on a flat expanse of rock that edged the shore before collapsing, unable to hold myself together any longer. I sat with my knees pulled up to my chest with my arms wrapped around them, and allowed the tears I’d been holding back to finally fall.
The world blurred around me as I cried silently, the trees the only ones to witness my pain. I cried at the injustice of the world. I cried at the cruelty of humanity. I cried because despite how much I pretended, I was all alone in the world.
I missed mom more than I could ever put into words. I missed him . I felt like I’d been shot and five years later that wound still festered, refusing to heal. The pieces of shrapnel that had embedded into me that night were killing me slowly as they filtered through my bloodstream, heading toward what was left of that broken organ.
The shrill ringing of an unfamiliar phone pierced through the tranquil silence and had my heavy eyelids pulling open. “What the fuck?” I muttered, blinking in a daze, trying to see where the noise was coming from. It cut off before my brain was back online, then started again. The bottom of my bag vibrated against my foot, and I yanked the zip down and dug around through all the crap I’d accumulated. My fingers wrapped around the burner phone I’d all but forgotten about.
“I thought I told you to call after you unpacked and Clara had gone?”
“Hello to you too, Uncle Daire,” I croaked, wiping away the drying tear tracks on my face.
“Jamie?” Concern laced his voice, and his tone softened. “You alright, kid?”
I snorted, the sound of snot popping in my nose echoed in my head. “Not a kid.” I cleared my throat. “Y-yeah, I guess.”
“You know I’m always here?—”
“Yeah, in emergencies only.” My tone had more bite than I’d intended it to, but I couldn’t let go of my anger toward my uncle. He’d done so much for me and Mom, but in five years, I’d only met him once. He watched us from the shadows, and moved us around like pawns on a chess board. I knew it was necessary, but he never took the time to get to know me.
He sighed, the static on the line making it sound like he scrubbed his hand over his face. “You know why, JJ.”
“I do… but it doesn’t make it easier,” I whispered, my throat clogged with emotion.
“Trust me, I wish things were different, but while?—”
“I get it.”
“But you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” I stretched my numb legs out in front of me and tried to wiggle my toes but couldn’t feel a thing.
“Good. We’re closing in, Jamie. It won’t be long now, kid. Just stay vigilant, okay? Don’t get careless.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?”
“I Promise.”
“Good.” The line went dead, and I dropped the phone back into my bag, just in time for the one in my pocket to start buzzing.
“Ugh.” I groaned and leaned to the side to pull my phone from my back pocket. The screen came to life, the light so bright in the growing darkness that I had to blink away the stars that dotted my vision. I unlocked my phone and saw a message notification.
Mal
It’s almost 7!!! Where the hell are you, Jamie?
Just at the lake, be there soon!
Ava
Sweet, sugarplum
Ava
...
It was never a good thing when the three dots stayed on the screen, especially when it was Ava typing. She was the kind of girl you could never have on loud speaker because you never knew what was going to come out of her mouth next.
Ava
I’ve got your costume ready.
Costume? Oh no! I said I’d go with you, but it’s a no on the costume. Thanks.
Ava and Mal spent the whole time I’d known them persuading me to go to tonight’s party. Ava knew I hated being surrounded by people, loud noises, and enclosed spaces. But she had begged, like literally got down on her knees and begged me to go. I’d eventually relented and agreed, but my stomach had been churning all day, and it felt like lead ran through my veins.
Mal
Oh, come ooon, JJ
Ava
It’s all in the name of fun ;)
Sure!
Mal
Just hurry up or there will be no mimosas left. Ava is drinking from the jug.
Ava
STFU!!!
“About time, angel boy,” Ava grouched as I walked through the door to find her splayed across my bed looking like a more colorful version of Cleopatra. Her costume was exquisite, and even though I’d expected nothing less, it still blew my mind and it made me feel like a fish out of water. I was so out of my depth.
I dropped my bag in the bottom of my closet, toed the door shut, and collapsed on my bed next to Ava. A smile that reached all the way to her eyes lit her face as she turned to look at me as she traced her index finger along my eyebrow, down my nose, and onto my lips. I tried to nip the pad of her index finger before she lifted it off my lips, but even in her intoxicated state, she had lightning-fast reflexes.
“Here you go, JJ.” Mal leaned over Ava and passed me a cold glass filled with bubbling golden liquid. I arched my brow as I watched the glittering liquid swirling around inside the glass, having never seen anything like it before.
Ava smirked up at me and winked. “It’s safe. I saw it on Amazon, and I just had to buy it. Looks freaking cool, right?”
“What is it?”
“It’s a gold standard mimosa.” She chuckled. “Oh, JJ.” She wrapped her arm around my neck and pulled me in for a side hug. “You know how everything is better when it sparkles?—”
“Or is a rainbow,” Mal added.
“If you say so.” I sipped my drink and ran my eyes over their outfit. Ava’s was obvious, but Mal’s left me confused. “So what are you, Mal?”
Ava snorted at Mal’s affronted look and tried to hide behind her glass. “He’s… he’s…” She couldn’t get her words out before she broke into a giggle.
“Seriously, you can’t tell?” Mal slowly turned in a circle as I took in his low-slung blue jeans sitting just below the tight band of his boxers, and his open short-sleeved button down that exposed the slight definition of his muscled stomach.
“Have you used bronzer to give yourself abs?” I squinted, trying to get a better look. I couldn’t deny the product added extra depth, making the fake six pack look real. Ava snorted, slipping off the edge of my bed and unceremoniously falling in a heap on the floor.
“Might have.” Mal crossed his arms, puffed his chest out, and clenched his stomach. “Looks good though, right?”
“H-have y-you got it yet?” Ava wheezed.
I looked at her then at Mal again. My head tilted to the side as a flicker of recognition filtered through my brain. “I want to say it’s on the tip of my tongue.” I chewed the inside of my cheek as the answer buzzed around inside my head. “But… no?”
Mal cringed as Ava barked a laugh. “Oh, angel.” She sighed and pulled herself back onto the bed, sitting criss crossed facing me. “I have one question for you… were you team Edward or te?—”
“JACOB!!! Oh my god, you’re Jacob Black!”
Mal rolled his left hand through the air and tucked his other hand against his stomach and took a bow. “Finally! Jamie, I was worried about you there.”
“Oh shut up,” I grumbled. “My eyes are sore.” My head dropped to my chest, and I took a deep breath as my anxiety swelled inside me.
“Jamie,” Ava said softly. “What’s wrong, sweetie? You look like you’ve been crying.”
I sniffled. “I’m good.” I popped off the bed and grabbed the hanger off the back of the door and slipped into the bathroom to get changed. “Why are we getting dressed up?” I asked through the closed door.
“‘Cause it’s a costume party,” she sang.
“Duh!” Mal chuckled.
I rolled my eyes at Ava’s response, even though she couldn’t see me. “Should have fucking guessed they’d keep something like that from me,” I muttered to myself as I slipped on a white toga dress type thing, then battled with my lack of balance to buckle up some Roman sandals. “Ava, are these shoes yours?”
“You know it, angel. They fit?”
“Ah, yeah. I guess.” To be honest, they were a bit snug, but at least they worked with the costume. I caught my reflection in the mirror as I slipped on my wings and took in my side profile. I rolled my shoulders and chuckled to myself when my wings moved, but then my gaze snagged on my face and I froze. “Shit.” My face was flushed, my cheeks tear-stained, and my eyes were swollen. Thank god I hadn’t put any makeup on before I went out earlier. But now, after seeing what I looked like, I had even less of an inclination to go out and be surrounded by drunk people.
“Hurry up, man. Ava wants to add some extra sparkle to you.”
“And your halo! Don’t forget that, Mal.”
“Ow! What was that for?”
Ava’s answering cackle scared me as I opened the door to find her poking Mal like a voodoo doll. He tried to bat her away with his hands, but he was as ticklish as anything and kept cracking up instead.
“You guys ready?” I turned and headed to the door. I had my hand on the handle, ready to make a quick escape.
“Not so fast, mister,” Ava said as her hands latched onto my shoulders steered me toward my desk chair. Once I was situated to her liking, she grabbed her bottomless bag and pulled out foundation, concealer, mascara, and two pots of glitter. One, a holographic gold, the other, rainbow.
I swallowed. “All that for me? I knew I looked bad, but…” My throat felt thick, and it was hard to swallow. My anxiety pounded through me, ratcheting up higher with every passing second.
Ava dropped down in front of me, her blue eyes glassy, and rested her hands on my knees. “It’s going to be okay, Jamie.” She looked up at Mal. “Whatever happened today, you know you can talk to us, right?”
I nodded, unable to speak past the lump lodged in my throat, and placed my hand over hers and squeezed. She gave me a sweet smile, pointed to the items she’d put on my desk, and explained her vision while Mal put on some music. The soft haunting notes of Last Resort, the reimagined version, by Falling in Reverse filled the room as I sat back and let Ava work her magic on me.
Mal’s phone buzzed, letting us know our rideshare was here as Ava did her finishing touches. Rainbow glitter flakes floated through the air, shimmering like the room was filled with magic. With nothing to do over the past twenty minutes, Ava’s words had allowed me to lock down most of my anxiety. We slipped into the silver sedan waiting right outside our building, Ava in the front and Mal and I in the back. Campus passed by in the blur, the lights fading until we hit the outer limits of Whinthrope.
The streets were busy for eight-thirty on a Saturday evening, but then again, it’s a college town and the semester was just about to start, so I guessed everyone was blowing off some steam before the real world hit us.
Trepidation crawled over my skin as the car slowed to a stop at the bottom of the drive of what looked like a modern McMansion-style home. As soon as we stepped out of the car, the thumping bass music hit us, and the windows lit up with an array of colors. Cars were parked haphazardly up the driveway and across the front lawn, making it difficult to get to the house.
Ava wore a wide smile, and Mal’s sea-glass eyes sparkled with excitement. “It’s gonna be fun angel. I promise,” Ava said.
“We’ll take good care of you and introduce you to some of our other friends,” Mal added. He linked his fingers with mine as Ava stepped through the door and led us through the throng of writhing bodies into a modern kitchen. The pulsing beat of EDM music assaulted me, the vibrations rattling every surface and making bottles of liquor move across the white quartz countertop.
“What do you wanna drink?” Mal shouted in my ear. I could barely hear him over the volume of the music, even though his lips were brushing my ear.
“Nothing strong,” I said as I turned to face him. From a distance, it probably looked like we were having an intimate moment, but there was nothing between us other than a budding friendship. I was already feeling the effects of Ava’s gold standard mimosa as it sloshed around inside me, creating a light buzz.
“I’ve got you!” Mal kissed my cheek and sauntered around the island to where the red solo cups were and started mixing bottles of liquor with some fruit juices he pulled out of the large fridge.
I’d never been to a party like this. Not that I’d been to any in recent years, having never stayed in one place long enough to form any friendships. Ava bounced through the crowd with the goth girl from Bean There attached to her hip. The girl looked at Ava like she hung the moon. It was a look I recognized well, as it was one I’d worn once too.