Chapter 43 Layla
It seemed to Layla that London had never been busier. The assault on her senses was rough as she followed Michelle out of Mayweather & Halliwell’s Westminster office. Drunken cheers rang out from pubs, Friday night mayhem taking over every establishment along the street.
‘Watch it,’ a tipsy man leered as he knocked into Layla. Or maybe she knocked into him, she was too overwhelmed to tell.
When Layla stumbled, Michelle grabbed her arm. ‘Come on,’ she said. ‘We’ll be late for dinner if you keep dawdling.’
Layla allowed Michelle to drag her along, grateful to have someone lead the way.
Moments later, a venue lit by fairy lights came into view ahead.
The women crossed the road, weaving through queues of traffic with reckless abandon.
As they ducked under a sprig of mistletoe pinned above the restaurant door, the scent of oregano infiltrated Layla’s lungs.
Remembering her first dinner with Angus, Layla’s heart twinged.
Brushing aside her sadness, Layla moved through the bustling venue towards a long table where Sinead, Rashida and a few others from their team were waiting.
It was Michelle’s idea to set up a ‘Women in Law’ dinner to celebrate the end of the year. When it was first suggested, Layla had been excited at the prospect of an evening with her colleagues. But back then, Layla’s heart hadn’t been broken.
Greeting her colleagues, Layla forced a smile that was becoming harder to fake. Taking a seat beside Nidhi, a junior lawyer in their division, and Priscilla from the accounts team, she pushed herself into the conversation.
‘Michelle’s outdone herself tonight,’ Layla commented.
‘Hasn’t she?’ Priscilla said, pouring Layla a glass of red wine. ‘I can’t remember ever getting together like this. Isn’t it exciting?’
‘So exciting,’ Layla replied, somewhat flatly.
Layla couldn’t understand it. A social outing with the people who made work bearable should have brought her to life, but as Rashida began recounting a client’s recent cutting feedback, all Layla could think was, Does any of this really matter?
The wins, the woes, the work… did it matter? Did the world stop turning if a client didn’t receive an answer within twenty-four hours? Did anyone truly value the effort everyone at this table put into their work? What difference did they actually make?
Rubbing her eyes with her palms, Layla tried to push the questions away, but they went nowhere.
It was so unfair. Ever since that day at the park, Layla’s darkest thoughts had come back with a vengeance. It seemed like the moment Angus disappeared from Layla’s life, all her focus had turned to the glaring holes in it.
The unfulfilling work.
The question mark over what she really wanted.
The empty bed she crawled into every night.
Internally, Layla sighed. Enough, she thought. A line had to be drawn under what happened with Angus at some point. She’d had a big year. The project was thriving. She deserved to celebrate with her friends, even if celebrating was the last thing on her mind.
Squaring her shoulders, Layla took a sip of tepid wine and watched the others shriek with laughter. At first, she felt like an outsider looking in, but soon she settled into the conversation. By the end of dinner, Layla was almost enjoying herself.
Layla thought she’d done a good job of muddling through the night until Michelle paused at her chair. ‘Layla, I’m going to go pay. Come with me?’ she asked.
Nodding, Layla pushed her chair out and followed Michelle to the counter, unsure why she’d been invited along.
Her confusion grew when Michelle exchanged small talk with the waiter without including her.
Standing there awkwardly as the card machine loaded, Layla wondered if it was possible to slip away.
When the transaction went through, Layla made a move to dash back to the table, but Michelle caught her arm. ‘Hang on a second. I asked you to come with me so we could talk away from the others,’ she said. ‘Is everything okay? You don’t seem your usual self.’
Layla’s eyes darted to the floor. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Layla,’ Michelle said, her tone not dissimilar to Joanna’s when she knew Layla wasn’t being entirely honest. ‘I’ve come to know you well over the last few weeks. I know when something isn’t right.’
Tears burned Layla’s eyes, so she kept her gaze downcast, afraid that if she looked at Michelle, she wouldn’t be able to contain them.
‘Come on,’ Michelle coaxed. ‘We’re not just colleagues – we’re friends. As your friend, I’m worried about you. Please talk to me.’
Something in Michelle’s plea made Layla give in. ‘I don’t know, Michelle. Things in my life just don’t feel right at the minute.’
‘In what way?’
Layla paused, wondering how to reply. ‘Do you ever wonder what the point of it all is?’ she asked, glancing back to her colleagues in time to watch Sinead finish a story that had the rest of the table in stitches.
‘Work. Networking. Acting like what we do changes the world.’ The words were tumbling out of Layla now, but she couldn’t stop them.
‘That was what I wanted to do, you know. It’s why I went into law.
I wanted to make the world a better place, starting with families like mine. ’
‘Families like yours?’
‘When I was young, my dad was in an accident that nearly killed him.’
A wave of sympathy rolled over Michelle’s face. ‘I’m so sorry, Layla. I can’t imagine how tough that was.’
‘It was hell,’ Layla admitted. ‘My family lost everything, but we were happy. We didn’t need fancy dinners or new clothes – we just needed each other.
I feel like somewhere along the way, I lost that.
I searched for the wrong things. I mean, why am I going to work every day and making companies richer when I could be using my degree to help people like my dad?
Why am I acting like I don’t know what it’s like to be shaped by hardship?
’ A tear fell from Layla’s eye, but she wiped it away furiously.
‘Do you know, working on the project with you is the first time I’ve felt passionate about what I’m doing in years.
It shouldn’t be like that. I just… I don’t know if this is what I want, Michelle,’ she croaked.
‘I’ve tried to make this big-city, corporate identity fit, but I’m not sure it’s me.
I want to be safe and successful, but I want to be a good person too. I want to do good things.’
‘Layla, you’re leading a project to change the work environment at Mayweather & Halliwell. Many people will benefit from that,’ Michelle pointed out, but the response made Layla shake her head.
‘It’s not enough. It’s not what I want to do.
’ As soon as the words left her, Layla met Michelle’s gaze.
‘It’s not what I want to do, Michelle,’ she repeated.
‘I love law, but I think I’m working in the wrong sector.
I want to do good. Real, meaningful good.
I want to help families like mine. I want to ensure people are working and living in safe and healthy conditions.
Be someone twelve-year-old Layla would be proud of. ’
Michelle’s features softened. ‘I have contacts in legal aid and employment law, you know. I could put you in touch with them. It’s not too late for you to take your career in a different direction, if that’s truly what you want.’
The future split before Layla’s eyes. Both visions had their appeal. Both were not without their challenges, but one spoke to her more. As scary as change might be, The Life Experiment had taught Layla one thing – her time was precious. She had to use it wisely.
Taking in a deep breath, Layla nodded. ‘I’d like that, Michelle. Thank you.’