The Life Makeover Club

Chapter 19

NINETEEN

“The mind and the body are like parallel universes. Anything that happens in the mental universe must leave tracks in the physical one.”

~ Deepak Chopra

The urgent buzzing of the alarm clock sheared through Gina’s skull, pain and pressure mounting, like the clock was inside her head. She reached and fumbled on the bedside table, knocking the clock to the floor. Her eyes strained to focus, squinting as the morning sun intruded into the bedroom, but everything remained a blur. She brought her hands to her head in an effort to stop the dizziness.

‘Gina? Are you okay?’ Marvin leaned over, tapping her on the shoulder.

‘Argh, don’t touch me!’ she cried out.

‘Are you having one of your migraines, is that it?’ He hopped out of bed and over to her bedside table, pulling the drawer open. ‘Where do you keep your medication?’ He lifted romance books, hand creams, and various gadgets around, messing up her neat arrangement.

‘Bottom drawer,’ her voice croaked. ‘It won’t do much good, this one’s already in full swing. Argh!’ She covered her eyes, pain bursting through her eyelids. ‘Just ... have to ... ride it through, till it passes.’

‘Here, take one anyway.’ Marvin pushed a tablet into her mouth, lifting a bottle of water to her lips. She managed a brief sip, then dropped her head on the pillow, her face scrunching up.

The migraines had been occurring more often lately, mostly mild, but this was a shocker. She’d be out of it all day, possibly tomorrow too. ‘Can you call ...’

‘Call work? I’ll do that now.’ Marvin unplugged his mobile from the charger and called the M2M offices, leaving a message. ‘Will you be alright? Need me to get your mum over? I’d stay, but I’ve got an important meeting at nine this morning.’ He unplugged her phone from its charger too, placing it within easy reach on her bedside table.

‘It’s okay ... just need to stay in bed ... nothing anyone can do ... you go.’ Please go, and please stop talking. Your voice, it’s like needles in my ear...

‘Well, if you’re sure. I’ll call later, okay?’ He turned away.

Gina reached for her phone, and turned it to silent.

If it wasn’t for her bladder urging her awake, she would have stayed there all day. Annoyed at the inconvenience, she crawled out of bed and wobbled to the ensuite. Relieved, she splashed her face with water, shuddering at the cold sting. Her stomach grumbling, she held onto the wall for support, sliding herself along until she reached the kitchen. Gina wished she’d been alert enough to ask Marvin to leave some food on her bedside table, or that he’d been thoughtful enough to do it of his own accord.

She turned on the kettle and grabbed a couple of bowls from the cupboard, pain shooting to her head as she bent down. She tossed nuts, crackers, and fruit into a bowl, inhaling the comforting scent of peppermint as she poured boiling water on a tea bag and filled the mug. Gina struggled back to her room with the items on a tray, not sure what she’d let go of first if she stumbled – the tray, or the wall – and longed for this day to be over.

Next thing she knew, it was.

Marvin came into focus in front of her, his voice sounding distant. ‘I’m off, you staying home again today?’ he asked.

‘Huh?’ Gina blinked, looking around the room. ‘Is it tomorrow already?’

‘It’s Tuesday. When I got home yesterday you were still in pain, so I gave you another of your pills, plus the sedative the doctor said to use if it gets too bad. Knocked you out for the rest of the night.’

‘Oh.’ Gina felt much better, but groggy. ‘Think I’ll go back to sleep for a bit.’ She closed her eyes again.

‘Bloody hell, you still need more sleep after all that?’

‘Just a bit, then I’ll get up,’ she mumbled.

‘Alright, but can you call me later? Let me know if you’re up for cooking dinner, otherwise I’ll have to pick up something on the way home.’

Gina heard the door close then drifted into a broken sleep. Colours swirled behind her eyes, mixing together in liquid spirals, then fading away to black and grey. She saw herself as a child, running on the grass, her long hair horizontal as the wind suspended it in the air. Trees and hills moved fast alongside her, as though she was running on the spot and they were the ones moving. She came to a cliff, overlooking the midnight blue ocean. Her childlike self tried to turn around to go back, but she couldn’t. The landscape around her moved again, pushing her forward. Then she was falling ... or had she jumped?

Gina bolted upright in bed, panting and sweating. Her dream had felt real. But what was that emotion she’d felt as she was falling? It was as though ... no, she couldn’t quite grasp it, the memory of the dream fading quickly from her mind.

She got up and stretched, her muscles aching from hours of immobility. The day after a migraine attack always felt weird and slow. It was as though her body was telling her to stop for a while, to rest and regenerate.

After a long, slow breakfast, she put the juice bottle back in the fridge, then straightened the askew fridge magnets. Her eyes rested on a drawing one of her nephews had given her. Why hadn’t she looked at it properly before? It was so colourful, so vibrant. It was her; Aunty Gina, standing on top of a lush, green hill with a sunset behind her. A sunset filled with swirling colours of red, orange, pink, and yellow. It contrasted with the grey and white kitchen, but she’d only really noticed it now. When she’d received the drawing, it was one of those moments when you’d smile and say: ‘Wow! Thank you, this is lovely!’ and place it on the fridge without a second thought. Something that just becomes part of the scenery, part of the surroundings you become immune to because you see them all the time. Today, it was like Gina was seeing it for the first time.

A sudden urge hit Gina to get out her old box of ‘stuff’; the things she’d taken with her when she first moved out of home as a twenty-one-year-old that had followed her from one apartment to the next. Her childhood in a box.

She sat on the floor with legs apart, the box in front of her. She opened it and closed her eyes for a moment as the smell took her back in time; memories of crayons, Mum’s chicken soup and crusty garlic bread, and Dad’s after-shave. She lifted out her favourite toy; Ally the owl, followed by a gold medal she received for the under-tens four hundred metre race at the school athletics carnival. There were a few photos, one of Gina and her best friend at age twelve – they said they’d be friends forever, but lost touch over the years. There was also one of Gina climbing a tree in the backyard, up much higher than her brothers. This box of ‘stuff’ contained everything that made her smile. Now, she hardly ever smiled. How did she get from there to here?

She picked up a drawing, signed: ‘Gina Giovanni, age 10’ in crayon. She was by no means a talented artist like Cara, but even through such a simple drawing she was able to evoke strong emotion. She sighed. Such comfort, safety and warmth exuded from her childhood creation: ‘My Dream Home’. There was a large double story house framed by a verandah, a lake with ducks floating happily, and an enormous tree with a swing hanging from a branch. Lush green grass, the house a rich brown, and a rainbow arched in the sky. The whole page was filled with colour, some of the paper’s edges torn from the enthusiastic colouring in. When did she lose that colour from her life?

Gina got up and walked around her apartment. Grey, black, and dark brown surrounded her, cold and harsh, draining her energy. She would have liked to paint the living room a nice warm red, and the bedroom a pale buttery colour, but Marvin was keen to keep the varying shades of grey – ‘Makes it easier to sell later on, if you keep things plain’, he’d said. But what about now? Why couldn’t she have her dream home now? She’d worked hard enough over the years. She was sick of waiting. Sick of keeping things plain in case they sold up, keeping things stable in case she got pregnant, keeping him happy in case – in case he lost it.

Gina had grown used to doing what was necessary to keep the peace. She didn’t have the energy to deal with his emotional outbursts, it was easier to just keep him happy. Marvin didn’t like change, and although Gina liked the familiarity of routine, she was aching for some sort of change. Whenever she’d suggest something new, or ask for his agreement to spend money on something for them both, he’d either berate her, or complain she wasn’t grateful for what she had. That was why she hadn’t told him the truth about where she spent the third Tuesday of every month. If he knew it was called ‘The Life Makeover Club’ he’d laugh, cry, or have a fit. It would be even worse if he knew how much it had cost. She’d used her own money; from the investment account her brother George helped her set up before she met Marvin. She still had a decent amount in there, enough to walk away from her job if she dared, enough to walk away from ... her life.

Gina spent the rest of the day alternating between deep thought, deep sleep, and un-deep daytime television. She even checked Facebook and considered posting an update to see if anyone knew any migraine cures, but got distracted by all the other status updates, her news feed mostly clogged with the musings of Cara’s life. No wonder the woman didn’t have much time for anything – she spent half the day on Facebook by the looks of it! Her latest update said:

Cara Collins ~ It’s time to follow my dreams! The aspirational dreams that is, not the ‘I-walked-down-the-street-naked-and-all-my-teeth-fell-out’ dreams ;)

Miranda had left a comment: LOL, that’s the sort of thing that would somehow happen to me in real life!

Several other people Gina didn’t know had left comments too, there were a few ‘ LOL s’, some ‘ Go for its ’, and one ‘ OMG I had that exact dream once! ’

Gina’s fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment, and before she knew it, she was typing her first ever comment:

It’s time for me to do the same .

By the time Marvin got home, Gina had prepared grilled chicken breasts and vegetables, eaten an early dinner, and left his dinner plate covered in plastic wrap in the fridge.

‘Why are you leaving so early?’ asked Marvin.

‘I’m going for a walk along the harbour before the meeting starts. I need some fresh air to clear my head after this migraine.’

‘You sure you’re up to going tonight, why don’t you give it a miss? We can watch NCIS together,’ he suggested.

‘I’m sure. I need to get out for a while.’

‘Tell me again, what exactly do you do at these meetings?’

‘You know; learn about healthy living, that sort of stuff. It’s just a bunch of women, and we all have a bit of a chat.’

‘Okay, but you shouldn’t drive after having that medication.’

‘I’m getting a taxi.’ Gina grabbed her coat and flung her bag over her shoulder, walking out into the real world after what felt like days trapped in dreamland.

Gina was greeted by a sign on the door of The Ruby Room, telling the club members that tonight’s meeting would be held in The Lotus Room. She stood disoriented for a moment, lost in the maze of cotton wool that appeared to have taken over her mind.

Of all nights, why did there have to be a change?

She’d been looking forward to the comforting familiarity of The Ruby Room, its soft lighting warming her like a blanket. She turned to go back, deciding she might be better off with an early night, but she needed to be away from Marvin. Should I stay or go?

Cass came up the escalator, surprisingly happy and less-irritated than she usually looked. ‘Oh, looks like we’re in there tonight.’ She pointed across the hall. ‘After you.’ She pushed open the door of The Lotus Room and motioned for Gina to enter.

Looks like I’m staying.

‘Hi ladies, there’s an electrical issue in The Ruby Room that can’t get fixed till the morning. Come on in,’ Liz said. She wore a lime green sweater, over the front of which hung a necklace of alternating green and aqua glass beads. She looked nice, but the colours stung Gina’s eyes.

The Lotus Room was smaller than its ruby counterpart, and didn’t have an entry foyer. It was just one room with a small kitchenette attached to a side wall. In keeping with Liz’s colour choice for the evening, the room was painted in colours of fresh green and white, with accents of the lightest pink. The back wall comprised a large window overlooking the Courtyard Café below, and in the far corner sat a lotus-shaped water fountain, water trickling softly into the reservoir surrounding it. Gina squinted at the brighter, crisper lighting as she took residence in one of the chairs. She adjusted her position a few times. They weren’t as comfortable as the ruby chairs.

‘Before we start, I believe Cass has an announcement to make?’ Liz eyed Cass, who stood in front of the group, lights from the street lamps outside giving her figure an eerie outline.

‘Thanks, Liz.’ She cleared her throat in an, I’m getting ready to speak in public kind of way. ‘Tonight will be my last Life Makeover Club meeting. I’ve accepted a new job in a research lab in Melbourne, and I’m leaving in two weeks.’ She smiled. In fact, that was the first time Gina had noticed her smile. She normally had a permanent expression of irritation on her face, and barely spoke without berating her ex-husband.

‘Congratulations. Why Melbourne, may I ask?’ Miranda said, fiddling with her silver necklace that glinted sharply under the lights. Gina clenched her eyes shut for a moment.

‘I didn’t plan to move interstate, but a friend of mine who works for the company who hired me, mentioned one of her colleagues was leaving and that there would be a position available. I needed a change, so I asked her to put in a good word for me. I attended an interview via Zoom, and they offered me the job two days later!’ Cass beamed. ‘And now I can say goodbye to my marriage for good. My hus – ex- husband and I work in the same building, so bumping into him in the elevators every day wasn’t making things any easier. I needed a clean break, and this sounded like the perfect opportunity to start over.’

And then there were eight.

If people kept leaving, the club would start to resemble a reality TV show or a less violent version of The Hunger Games . Who would be crowned Miss Life Makeover of the Year?

‘Well, we’ll miss seeing you at the club meetings, but we’re very happy for you, Cass, aren’t we ladies?’ Liz said.

Everyone nodded and gave their congratulations, and Cass apologised for being such a grump at times. When she was about to return to her seat, the strumming of an acoustic guitar floated into the room from outside. Intrigue cleared Gina’s head for a moment and she went to the window. Everyone gathered around, admiring the performance of the scruffy-looking musician who sat on a stool at the café below. The Courtyard Café was part of City Health and Fitness, and was open at night for dinner and snacks, most of its patrons coming for a feed after the gym.

As a man sitting by himself at one of the tables turned to look at the musician, his fork fell off the table onto the paved courtyard. He bent to retrieve it, and lingered for a moment under the table. Cass gazed intently towards the man, as did Gina, as he picked up not only his fork, but a small piece of paper or a business card. The man’s brows drew together as though curious, then rose and his jaw dropped a little. A smile eased its way onto his face, and he pulled out his phone and snapped a photo of the paper.

‘Oh my God,’ Cass whispered.

‘What?’ Gina asked .

‘The words of wisdom card. That man just found the card I stuck under the table!’

Liz inched between Cass and Gina to peer out the window. ‘Really?’

Cass nodded, and they watched the man as he spoke on the phone, glancing at the card again, and shaking his head with a smile. After slipping his phone in his pocket, he turned to watch the musician, and stood clapping with unbridled enthusiasm at the end of the song. The performance was nice, although Gina didn’t think it standing ovation-worthy, but for some reason this man did. He walked to the register to pay for his meal, and on his way out of the courtyard, handed the performer some cash. It couldn’t be seen how much, but the musician tried to give it back to him. The man pushed it back to the musician, they shook hands, and the man strode away with an air of renewed energy usually only seen after a mid-morning coffee hit.

Cass looked wide-eyed at everyone else, as Zoe snapped photos with her camera. ‘For my story,’ Zoe explained. ‘My boss said he’ll consider my story idea for the club and Grandma Joy, but wants to see a draft of it first. The fact that I’ve witnessed someone finding one of the cards is gold!’

‘That’s great, Zoe!’ Liz exclaimed. ‘Cass, do you remember what that particular card said?’

‘Uh-uh,’ she replied. ‘Sorry. But I’d love to know which one it was and why it seemed to resonate with him so much.’

‘Me too,’ said Zoe. She looked towards the man whose figure gradually disappeared into the night. ‘If only I could jump out the window and catch up to him!’

‘You certainly are committed to the job,’ remarked Wendy .

‘And so she should be,’ Rebecca said. ‘There’s no point doing a job if you can’t do your best.’

Or if you don’t want to do your best . Gina still craved a career change, and somehow, waiting till the end of the year felt too far away.

As the women peeled themselves away from the window, Liz stayed put, gaze on the table below. She then turned to the group. ‘Do you believe in serendipity? That things happen for a reason, and in the universe’s own perfect timing?’ She stepped forward. ‘I do. And tonight has resulted in a little gift for all of us, especially you, Cass. Had we not been forced to use this room tonight, we wouldn’t have witnessed that.’

‘You’re right.’ Cass nodded. ‘And if I take away anything from the club, it’s that I can make a difference in the world, however small. One little act of kindness can go a long way, and I don’t feel so ... insignificant now. My husband always made me feel small and unimportant. I don’t know why I put up with it for so long. His affair was a godsend really, gave me the impetus to leave.’

‘Oh, I didn’t realise that’s what happened,’ Liz said. ‘I’m sorry, Cass. That must have been difficult.’

‘It was, but the woman can have him as far as I’m concerned.’ She pressed her lips into a smile.

Gina wondered if Marvin had ever been tempted into an affair. She wouldn’t put it past him, but deep down she knew he’d stayed faithful. He loved her. In his own weird way, he loved her. And the sanctity of marriage was important to him. Even if respecting his wife’s personal choices wasn’t.

But... his love wasn’t enough.

And it wasn’t right.

He wasn’t right .

Whether it was the after-effects of the migraine, the medication, being in a different room, or the trip down memory lane today with her childhood-in-a-box, she didn’t know, but Gina felt removed from the world around her, as though she was a cardboard cut-out; glued onto a picture of a world in which she didn’t belong.

She tried to listen to each woman sharing her progress, concerns, and goals for the month ahead, but kept losing focus. She vaguely heard something about Cara giving up too easily after approaching two art galleries unsuccessfully (and remembered reading something similar she’d said on Facebook), and how she was using her family responsibilities as a safety net to keep from moving out of her comfort zone. She heard Liz guiding Miranda, saying something about needing to love herself before she could find love with a man. This made Miranda obviously uncomfortable.

‘Gina? ... Gina?’ Liz prompted.

‘Huh?’ She snapped out of her cardboard cut-out world for a moment.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Oh, sorry ... I had a bad migraine yesterday. I’m still a bit fuzzy.’

‘Sorry to hear that. How is everything going, apart from that? ... Gina?’

Words came out eventually, as though someone wrote them in a speech bubble above her cardboard head and she had no choice but to say them. ‘I feel trapped. Trapped in a dark prison with no colours around me. And there’s no tree, no lake with ducks, there’s just cold. Cold, dark ... emptiness.’ If there were speech bubbles above everyone else’s heads, they would probably say, ‘Lake? Ducks? What is this woman going on about?’, but Gina didn’t care. She knew exactly what she was saying.

Liz’s brows drew together in a concerned furrow. ‘Gina, it might be a good idea to have a chat to a colleague of mine, Dr. Hartman, to sort through those feelings.’ She fossicked in her briefcase, and pulled out a card.

Gina held up her hand, pushing the card away. ‘I ... I don’t need a doctor. Sorry Liz, I didn’t mean to sound a little crazy there, it’s just...’

‘Just what?’

Gina sat still, limp, and heavy, as though waiting for the words to be written in her speech bubble so she could speak again.

Liz pulled her chair close to Gina, and took her hands. ‘Gina. What do you feel you need to do, to not feel ... trapped anymore?’

Gina removed herself from Liz’s grasp and walked over to something that caught her eye on the back of the door to The Lotus Room. It was a small sign written in calligraphy. She ran her hand over it gingerly.

May the strength of the lotus inspire courage, persistence, and purity of thought, no matter the challenges that surround you.

Gina walked back to Liz, eyes wide open, all fuzziness draining from her head. ‘I need to leave my husband.’