Chapter 13
thirteen
. . .
Addiction
Present Day
desiree
Friday, 11:37pm
Melissa squeezes me in a hug as I rise out of the hospital bed, grateful to finally be getting the hell out of here. After the whirlwind of the past several hours, I can think of nothing better than getting into a hot shower, washing the sand and stale remnants of the festival off of me and plopping myself into a warm bed.
At Taven’s house.
Yes, I have agreed to head back for my forty-eight hours of obligatory babysitting to my ex-boyfriend’s place. Does that make me nuts? Maybe. But the idea of actually being able to spend some one-on-one time with him fills me with an uncanny giddiness. A chance to clear the air and at the very least, have my friend back.
In some ways, it feels like Taven and I have yet to know the grown-up versions of one another. Our early twenties were so tumultuous, so many curveballs thrown our way that it hardly feels like we were ever able to exist on any solid ground. Even five years ago, during our brief time back together when I thought for sure we were both ready, it was nothing like I thought it would be.
I have a feeling this time could be different. Even if he’s just in my life as my friend, I have to have it. Okay, fine—there’s an annoying bit of my heart that aches for more, stupid as that is. I can’t help it. You know how it is, that nagging little piece of hope you just can’t seem to let go of.
But I’m reminding myself that he has a fiancée, and maybe hearing about his new, settled life with Evelyn will help me. Maybe I just need to spend some time with him, and we can catch one another up on all we’ve missed. Maybe I just need to see for myself that Taven’s really okay, and I can move on from him, once and for all.
I think about the past five years of my life since Taven and I were last together. The truth is, I’ve kept dating safely on the casual side of things, never taking any relationship seriously. I’d get freaked out when anyone got too close or wanted to declare exclusivity, as if the idea of it came with handcuffs and a chain. It’s like this block has existed in my heart, and I recognize that it’s a block placed there by Taven Carlisle.
It’s time to get rid of it.
“Are you sure you want to do this? That this is a good idea?” Melissa whispers in my ear. I glance over her shoulder to Taven, sure he can hear her. He gives me a little wave, saying he’ll step out to give us some privacy.
I pull back away from her. “Mel, it’ll be fine. I’m fine.”
She arches an eyebrow. “Fine stands for ‘fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.’”
I smile. “Okay, so then we’re on point.”
“That’s what I’m worried about. He’s your kryptonite. Your addiction.”
“Maybe a little,” I agree .
“And look, I’m all for a wild-haired idea?—”
“For as long as I’ve known you,” I interrupt.
She gives me a little nudge and whines out, “I just worry about you, kid. I can’t help myself,” she adds as she crosses her arms.
“I’m a big girl. I got this. Besides, I thought you already gave your seal of approval,” I say, my eyes darting over to my bag on the chair.
Imagine my surprise when Taven and Melissa had wandered out of the room to discuss something, and next thing you know, Taven is walking back in, saying he gave her keys to his car to go pick up my things from our hotel. I teased him that I didn’t know him to let other people drive his cars. He said he made an exception. He wants me to rest and recover at his place, which is closer than me heading all the way home. All so he could keep an eye on me.
I had stared at him for a moment, wondering if he was for real. His expression—his beautiful, handsome face—was firm. Dark eyes holding my gaze like he wouldn’t dare look away. That look said a million things, like I could see the years of all our shared moments passing in the space between us. I looked at his crossed arms, covered with new tattoos.
I had been with him when he got his first one. I had loved that day.
He was waiting for my answer, dead serious.
Back to my place. I want to keep an eye on you. I can’t let you out of my sight until I know you’re okay.
Oh, really?
Really. Please, Dazzle. Let me take care of you.
My skin tingled. I threw caution to the wind and agreed.
Was I crazy? Maybe.
I blink away the image of him before a blush betrays me and I look at Melissa. She gives me a little smile and shrug, saying, “I just don’t want you getting crushed all over again.” It’s yet another one of those moments when her facade is down, and she seems so innocent. A peek behind the curtain of the Broadway actress who usually exudes such confidence.
I heave out a deep breath. “Can I tell you something?” I ask her.
“Anything.” Her green eyes smile with a bit of sadness, and I’m wondering what’s behind that look.
I tuck my hair, windblown and wild from the rain, behind my ear. “In college, when you stopped talking to me,” I say, scanning her face for her reaction. It’s a subject we rarely bring up. I continue. “That was a really hard couple years of my life. Not just because of my mom getting sick, but also because of how much I missed you. I half-wondered if I was in love with you, that’s how badly it hurt,” I add, my tone teasing.
She lets out a gentle laugh, but drops her head down in defeat. I shake her shoulders to force her to face me again. “Hey, look at me,” I say. “I’m not here to blame or rehash or anything, I know you had your reasons.”
Melissa had gone for her bachelor’s in New York, destined to be the star that she viscerally was. Like any friendship that spans the course of many years, it was a time of quiet distance for us. We went from best friends that saw each other daily to casual acquaintances that were swept up in our own lives, the geographical distance making keeping in touch difficult. Until one day, we stopped talking altogether. I suspected that the new guy she was seeing was toxic, and she later confirmed that to be true, but still, it hurt like hell at the time. I didn’t know what exactly had happened to cause our distance—the emotional distance. At the time I felt horribly naive in thinking our friendship would last forever, never veering off course.
I twist one of her dark curls through my fingers. “What I’m trying to say is this—when you and I finally reconnected, life got better, you know what I mean?” She nods, but remains uncharacteristically quiet. I continue. “You know the history with Taven.”
“That I do,” she agrees. I look at the scatter of freckles under her eyes and smile at the memory of the summers together that earned them. The sunscreen, then later, the tanning oil we thought was a good idea. The drinks on the beach, the lounging by my condo’s pool. All of my favorite moments with Melissa.
I sigh. “I just can’t help but think that maybe this, right now, maybe this is finally our time. And I want him back in my life. I just do,” I shrug. “I want to offload the things I should have said to him and never did.”
She nods with understanding. “I agree, I think that would be good for you.”
“It’s time.”
“But back in your life as what, exactly? Where do you hope he’ll fit in?”
I plop down on the edge of the hospital bed. “You mean other than as the long-lost love of my life?”
“Well, I already knew that.”
I puff out my cheeks with an exhale. “It’s no secret, I guess.”
“He’s in love with you too,” she says, and I pop my head up at her in surprise. “He said so, earlier. When he approached me about taking you home with him.”
I can’t help the smile that sweeps across my face. “He said that?” Don’t cling to hope. He can just be your friend again. That’s better than nothing.
Melissa’s jade eyes go wide, her eyebrows raised. “Why the hell do you think I actually went and got your stuff?”
“Figured you did it just because you knew I’d go for it.”
She rolls her eyes. “Doll face, I wouldn’t let your heart get burned all over again for nothing. Yes, I had a feeling you’d go for it. Fun little unexpected weekend to reconnect, just you and Taven.”
“I’m pretty transparent, I guess,” I mutter.
She ignores me. “I wasn’t going to let you do that to yourself, though, before seeing where he was at. If he felt the same. Which he does, so that’s a start. But now what?” She puts her hands on her hips, and I look behind her to see Taven pop his head in through the doorframe, then back out again .
“He’s here , Mel. I have to have him back. Even if it’s just as a friend,” I add.
She tilts her head to the side. “You could do that?”
“Sure.” We both know that’s a lie, but she lets it slide. “Look, I thought losing my mom was the hardest thing of my life,” I say, my mind slipping to those last moments with my mom, before cancer took her away. “But not having you two, my people , that’s just as hard,” I explain. “Maybe even worse, because parents die, and we expect that. Not quite so young, I mean I wish I had more time with her.”
Melissa reaches out and touches my arm. “I know, babe.”
“Although, at least her sickness brought you and me back together,” I say with a smile. She nods and I imagine she’s thinking the same thing I am—that there’s a silver lining in the darkest of experiences. You just have to be open to finding it. I place my palm over my heart. “There’s people that just stay with you forever, no matter what. Always in your heart. Even when you and Taven both weren’t in my world, I still held onto the love for you in the very core of my being, you know what I mean?”
She nods and says, “Me too,” and I think I see her eyes welling. I give her stomach a little poke. Tease her and say there’s no need for tears, and sure enough, she blinks and one makes its way down her cheek.
She quickly wipes it away, though, saying, “Well, this wasn’t what I imagined for the fun-filled weekend I had planned.”
“Life rarely ever goes as planned.”
Melissa opens her mouth into a smile. “I’m sorry. For all of it, you know that, right? Dumb fool, I was.”
I stand and give her another squeeze, her soft frame feeling like the best comfort in the world. I can feel the guilt in the tightness of the squeeze she gives me in return, and I want her to know there’s no need for it. “We were both stubborn asses, not just you,” I say as I release her. “But we’re older and wiser now, for the most part.”
“Mostly,” she agrees .
“Mostly,” I nod.
I step past her and go to grab my bag from the chair, and slip the strap over my shoulder. “Listen. I realize this is a screwed-up idea, to go stay with Taven freakin’ Carlisle. If it were anyone else, I’d laugh at the suggestion.”
“But it’s Taven,” she whispers with understanding.
I nod. “Exactly. It’s Taven.” My chest rises in a heavy sigh. “And I’m sick and tired of pretending he’s not my other half. Other than you, of course.”
“Of course.”
“I have to see where this goes. I have to try, one last time.”
She steps closer to me and kisses my cheek. “I get it. See what happens, if you guys can figure something out.” She shrugs. “I’m a phone call away if shit goes south.”
I lift my mouth in a side smile. “You mean like if Evelyn shows up?”
She laughs. “Yeah. Like that. Or anything, really.”
“Let’s hope your phone remains quiet, then.”
“Fingers crossed.” She grabs my hand and spins around one of my rings. “You want to know why I really agreed? Not just because he said he was in love with you.”
I study her eyes, wondering if she had the same thought I did. “Then why?”
She sighs and drops my hand. “We were at a music festival. A party spot. Drinks flowing everywhere.” I nod, knowing what she’s going to say. “I couldn’t help but notice that Taven’s sober.”
Sober .
I grin. “Neither could I.”