The Lifecycle of a Crush

Chapter 15

fifteen

. . .

Subterfuge

Fourteen years ago

desiree

sixteen years old

Over the next couple of weeks, things within the house got worse. My parents would hole themselves away in their bedroom, muffled shouting traveling down the hall, and I’d sink onto the floor of my room in sedated numbness. I wondered if they were splitting up, but I was too wrapped up in my own heartbreak to even care. They put the house on the market, explaining that money was tight for us, because the Carlisles pulled out their investment in the business. I was given a warning that I’d be transitioning back to public school for my junior and senior years.

The new girl yet again.

Had it not been for Melissa barging into my room and force-feeding me milkshakes and fries any chance she could, I might have lost my marbles .

The dust was starting to settle after the Carlisle-Hatson fallout when Taven finally reached out to me.

I had shed countless tears by that point, my heart completely split open to the point of a physical pain. I couldn’t eat, showers felt like a chore, and I prayed to God asking Him to fix this. To go back in time and fix whatever it was that had happened to turn everything upside down.

So when the text came in from an unknown number one day, saying it was Taven, I thought I was dreaming.

D: What number is this?

T: Texting from a friend’s phone. My parents check mine.

T: I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner. Could we meet up?

I was apprehensive, but what could I do? Clearly he had been given the same “stay away” command I had, but what did that mean for us? Did he still care about me? Had he ever even loved me?

Whether he did or not suddenly didn’t matter. I’d take what I could get. I’d make this count, see him again and make him remember just how wonderful I am, how wonderful we are together. Make him see that nothing else matters.

I typed back as quickly as I could, having no idea how long this window to Taven would be open.

D: Yes, any time. When? I’m free now, I could sneak out. My parents aren’t home. Can you pick me up?

My hands were shaking, I was desperate to make this interaction happen. We just needed to see each other, and then everything would be fine. We could go back to being us. We just needed to figure out a way to communicate. He could get a cell phone that his parents didn’t know about, we could create new emails or fake Facebook accounts and talk that way, anything we needed to do.

My parents had sold my car at that point, despite my begging them to let me keep it, promising I’d figure out a way to make the monthly payments. I had watched them hand over the keys to the eager palm of its new owner, some college kid. I felt like I was watching my freedom get ripped away.

Without transportation of my own, Taven would have to pick me up if we were to meet. In Inferno. A red car that was entirely too easy to spot. My mind spun around wildly thinking of all the ways we could make this happen.

My phone dinged as I paced around the room trying to determine my next steps.

T: I can be there in twenty minutes. Could you walk down the street a little just in case?

D: Yes! Yes, I’ll head out in a minute and meet you by the stop sign at the front of my neighborhood.

I ran a brush through my hair, changed outfits twice, only to put back on the jeans shorts and tee that I was originally wearing. My thoughts were all over the place as I darted down the street, whipping my head left and right to ensure the coast was clear and I could get away without being seen. I waited at the stop sign, praying my parents wouldn’t pull up any time soon. Finally, the beautiful purr of Inferno arrived.

When I got in the car, Taven was quiet. I was quiet, too, because I didn’t know what to say. Something had shifted in those weeks of radio silence, and he now felt like a stranger to me all over again.

I wondered if it was because he knew his parents had messed up, and he held some guilt over the ruin it had caused my household. Did he feel bad? Did he know how terrible things were for my family? But I didn’t want to ask what was wrong, because the last thing I wanted to do was bring a dark cloud over our precious borrowed time together.

As we pulled away from the curb, I finally broke the silence. “Where are we going?” I had expected him to take me back to his house, but that wasn’t the direction we were headed in. I peeked over to him, to my Taven, noting the gray baseball hat sitting backwards on his head and covering his always impeccable hair. The hat was new, one that I had never seen him in before. I hated that anything new had entered his world without me knowing about it. Even something as ridiculous as a hat.

“I don’t know,” he answered, his tone quiet. “I figured we’d just drive around for a bit.”

I looked out my window and the blur of trees whizzing by. I thought about how the time that had passed since we last saw each other felt like an unrecognizable blur as well. “How’s Jacqui doing?” I asked, wanting to fill the space with some kind of conversation. “Is she getting excited for college?”

I didn’t want to ask about his parents, because in my eyes, they were enemy number one, though for different reasons than my parents. To me, Mr. and Mrs. Carlisle had screwed up to the point of ruining the single most important thing to me, and now I was stuck in a car with him feeling like none of our history had ever happened at all.

Taven slid his hand down the steering wheel and for a moment, I thought he was going to reach out and grab mine. But he didn’t. He only rested it on the center console. “Why are you asking about Jacqui?” he asked.

I frowned at him. “Because she’s your sister and I haven’t seen you guys in forever?” Really, it had only been a few weeks, but with the mayhem of my household, with everything changing yet again, it felt like another life.

He huffed out a sarcastic laugh. “Right.”

I folded my arms over my chest, confused by his impassive demeanor. “And because I really couldn’t care less how your parents are doing, if I’m being honest.” My tone was bitter. I wanted to be more calm about it, scared of pushing Taven away if he was siding with his parents in all this, but I couldn’t help myself.

His eyes darted over to mine, saying something that I didn’t understand, and I regretted having mentioned his parents at all.

“What did you hear about everything, Desiree? What makes you think this is my parents’ fault?”

I glared at him. “You’re kidding, right? Your parents pulled out of the business.”

He ran a hand down his face. “I know. But…it’s hard to explain.”

I hated that answer, or lack of one. “Well, are your parents in a state of constant fighting? Is your house up for sale right now?”

“What? No, why?”

I picked at a loose thread in the ripped part of my jeans shorts, twisting it around my finger. “Because my house is up for sale. I’m going to have to change schools again. We’re stopping our membership at the club, they’re dissolving the business, and I’m pretty sure my parents are on the brink of divorce. All because your parents pulled out their investment. So yeah, that’s what my life is looking like right now.” A shit show , I thought.

I didn’t care about the money or the school or the club, none of that truly mattered to me, but I wanted to convey to Taven that because of the crumbling of our parents’ partnership, my family was spiraling, and it appeared that his wasn’t. And I felt like I was the one being punished through it all. I wiped a tear from my cheek and stared out the window, wishing I could go back in time to when everything was perfect.

Taven finally grabbed my hand, and I flinched with surprise. I wasn’t sure how to even feel comfort in it. Like I couldn’t trust it. “I’m sorry, Dazzle,” he whispered. “I’m sorry all of that is happening to you.” All I could do was nod. I wanted to stay mad, but I wanted him more.

We drove around a little while longer, shifting the conversation to safer topics. He asked me how my last weeks of school had been, how Melissa was doing. I allowed myself to relax a bit and told him about her dreams of going to New York to pursue acting. How I knew she’d succeed, because she was such a natural. How Dylan was thriving in school and how his football scholarship would allow him to stay there and graduate.

Taven eventually asked if I was okay. I wanted to scream and cry and tell him that I was definitely not okay, but I held back, not wanting to be a dramatic mess. Instead, I assured him it was fine, that we were halfway through high school and the next two years would fly by. I thought about how not too long ago, Dylan had to switch schools as a senior in high school, and now he’s living his dreams. He’d been fine, and I could be too. I’d figure it out.

We avoided any more talk about our parents, which I think we both knew was best. I didn’t like how angry I felt towards his family, and I knew it wouldn’t do us any good to try and get in the middle of it.

When he approached the front of my neighborhood, it was nearly dark. He pulled over and put the car in park. I reached for the handle to open the door, but he told me to wait, so I dropped my hand back in my lap. I waited for him to say something. I wondered if he was going to kiss me. My stomach was in knots, and I hated how foreign it felt to be with him again.

He finally put the car back in drive, spinning the wheel around and whipping Inferno into a U-turn. “Fuck it, I’m taking you back to my house,” he said. “Tell your mom you’re at Melissa’s or something.”

My pulse quickened at the prospect. I worried my parents wouldn’t believe the lie I was about to tell, but I didn’t care. I’d do whatever I could to get more time with him. “Okay. But what about your parents?”

Taven shrugged. “They’re not home.”

There’s often a pretty clear moment when you realize your parents aren’t perfect. As a kid, you think they hung the moon. Even when they’re telling you “no” for something. You’re mad at them, sure, but mostly because you love them and hate that they don’t seem to know what exactly you need or want, or aren’t willing to give it to you. It’s hard to love someone so much and feel disappointed by them.

It was probably Dylan that first gave me clues that our parents had flaws. When I was ten or eleven, and Dylan was fourteen, I had heard him crying in his room. He had been fighting with Mom over something. I didn’t know what exactly, but I remember feeling mad at her for being mean to Dylan.

I had quietly knocked on his door, and I heard his muffled sniffle on the other side. “Can I come in?” I asked.

I heard some ruffling and then eventually, he opened the door, and I saw how red his eyes were. “What do you want?” he quietly asked.

I remember not being sure why I had even knocked on the door, but I loved my brother and felt like I needed to do something to make him feel better. “Want to build a Lego set with me?”

He rolled his eyes and stepped back from the door, but left it open for me. “I don’t feel like building some stupid unicorn, Dez.”

I looked down at my hands and twisted them around my shirt. “We could play something else.”

When you’re ten, you’re not exactly gifted in the art of consoling someone. I didn’t know what else I could offer him, but I knew I wanted to understand what had happened. I felt like there was something I didn’t know about, which bothered me. “Why is Mom mad at you?” I finally braved asking.

He sat down on the edge of his bed and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Why?” I pressed. “What did you do?”

He looked back over to me. “I didn’t do a fucking thing. ”

I remember being startled to hear him curse like that. Especially with the door open, and our mom already mad at him. I glanced behind me, waiting for her to come storming in, yelling or screaming or something. But she never did.

I think Dylan felt guilty, then, because he reached over to grab my shoulders. “Look, I can’t explain it, but I think some changes might be happening.”

“Like what? What happened?” I searched his eyes, dark brown like mine, and looked at the disheveled mess of his sandy blond hair.

“Dad messed something up,” he said. “Something big, okay?” I nodded as if I understood, but I most definitely did not. “And Mom’s being an idiot about it.”

I winced, not liking hearing Dylan talk like that. It’s a tough spot to be in, when you adore your big brother and the easy way he seems to make friends, the natural way he’s good at everything, the way he’s always looked out for you. But you also love your parents, and the idea of them making big mistakes feel scary and unsafe. Confusing. “So that’s why you and Mommy were fighting?”

He nodded, and I could see how sad he was. I longed to fix whatever was wrong. “Yeah. But it doesn’t matter. I’m starting high school soon. Couple more years and I’ll be out of here.”

That declaration was like a gut punch. It was hard to imagine being anything other than a kid, living under our parents’ roof. I was in fifth grade, middle school was right around the corner. But still, to think about being a grown-up one day felt like light years away. The thought of Dylan not living with us had my stomach twisting.

I thought about how I wanted to be ten forever. I never wanted to grow up. And I hated the bubble that burst in thinking that our mom and dad might be flawed people that had done something bad beyond denying me a sleepover with my friends or a trip to the trampoline park.

I hated thinking I couldn’t trust them.

I wasn’t sure why that memory had popped in my head as Taven drove us in Inferno back to his house. I guess it was my own guilt in betraying my parents by heading to enemy quarters, to the Carlisle Manor. I wished I could be more rebellious, more assertive like Melissa and Taven were, but it just wasn’t the way I was wired. I liked things neat and uncomplicated. I hated getting in trouble.

But my pull towards Taven was stronger, it seemed. I could do this. I could break the rules and make my treasured moments with him count.

He pulled us up to the gate, then down his long driveway, and as the sprawling stone of his house revealed itself before us, my pulse quickened. What if his parents came home? What if I got caught being here? I didn’t want to think about what would happen, and a pit of dread filled my belly.

We walked into his room, and I slowly relaxed as I took in the familiar space. The bean bag chairs, the TV. The collection of his vintage cars lining his bookshelves and the spill of his laundry over the top of his hamper. This was Taven’s room, and I was safe here.

He sat down on his futon and pulled me over to him, having me straddle him while he nuzzled his nose in the crook of my neck. I was glad I sprayed a few dashes of perfume before I ran out of the house. “I’ve missed you so much it hurts, Dazzle,” he said. His confession soothed me. He hadn’t chosen his family over me, he just didn’t know how to reach me without getting caught. When he started placing little kisses on my collarbone, I melted in the familiar touch of my Taven. I started rocking my hips, wanting to savor every precious minute.

We kissed for a while, and my palms relished in the comforting spikes of hair at the nape of his neck. I pulled off his baseball cap and ran my fingers through the silky softness of his hair, always longer on top. I breathed in the spice of his shampoo. By the time I leaned back and pulled my shirt over my head, I had decided this was it. We were going to do this. I would lose my virginity to Taven Carlisle, right here and now. I could feel his erection between my legs, and my heart was racing as I continued to grind my hips into him, thrilled with the idea of finally doing this.

He grabbed my cheeks and looked at me, the chocolate brown of his eyes looking so tender, I wanted to cry. “I love you so much, Desiree. You know that, right?” I nodded and told him I loved him too. I unclasped my bra, exposing my top half to him. Then I reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head, dropping it beside us.

Our movements became frantic. More kissing, hands exploring bodies, me fumbling through the button of his jeans, willing the rest of our clothes to disappear as fast as possible.

And then his father’s voice interrupted us.

My heart dropped to the bottom of the floor, down through the foundation of the house, beneath the ground and to some depths of hell I was terrified of. We never even heard anyone come home. Never heard him coming down the hall. Too caught up in our moment, I guess. Too blind with our feelings for one another.

“Get dressed,” Mr. Carlisle said. I covered my face with my hands as Taven threw some article of clothing over my naked torso.

“Dad, fuck,” Taven said, and I could hear the misery in his voice.

Mr. Carlisle ignored him. “Desiree, I’d like to see you in my office when you’re decent. And then I’ll be taking you home.”