Chapter 32
Kate consults the small black notebook full of handwritten recipes as she stirs the pan and hums to herself, Rosie happily kicking her arms and legs in the sling. The notebook was a gift from Rosemary, but Kate hasn’t used it in a long time. Either Jay has done the cooking because she’s been too tired or they’ve resorted to ready meals or the one Chinese in the village. But after her conversation with him yesterday, she wanted to do something nice to show that she can look after him, just like he’s been looking after her. Especially after he made space this morning for her to go down to the river again.
After her swim and then the impromptu meet-up with the Tired Mums Club, she arrived home feeling refreshed. When Rosie had spent the next hour cluster feeding, she let herself sink into the sofa and just enjoyed the feeling of her daughter in her arms rather than feeling frustrated. She sang to her, rotating through her limited repertoire of noughties classics.
Now that she’s opened up to both Jay and the women who seemed like strangers at first but now feel like new friends, Kate itches to get real with other people in her life, as though honesty is a new addiction.
She pauses from stirring the pan and reaches for her phone, opening the WhatsApp group with her mum and sister.
Hey Mum, hey Erin. Hope you’re both having good weeks. It feels a while since we last saw each other! I’ve got something to tell you – I’ve started wild swimming! Down by the river here in Farleigh-on-Avon. It’s so beautiful and I’ve met some really nice women. I was wondering if I could tempt you both into the water with me? There’s a café there, so we could get cake after. The weather looks nice over the weekend, so maybe Sunday afternoon?
Erin’s reply comes in quickly.
That sounds great, sis. I haven’t been swimming since last summer! Would be great to go with you xx
Kat smiles, reaching for the pepper grinder and adding a generous sprinkling into the pot where spring vegetables bubble away. She glances again at the recipe for ‘Rosemary’s favourite soup’ and takes the fresh loaf she bought from the deli out of the bread bin, ready to serve alongside the soup with hearty slatherings of butter from the local dairy.
Her phone buzzes on the counter.
Mum: Sorry, girls, but I can’t do this weekend. You have a great swim! Lots of love xx
Before Kate has time to process the fact her mum is brushing her off again, Jay is stepping into the kitchen and sniffing the air appreciatively.
‘Wow, it smells amazing in here. You didn’t have to do this.’
‘I wanted to.’
They eat outside under the apple tree, Rosie lying in the Moses basket in the grass, looking up through the leaves and kicking her arms and legs. As they eat, Kate tells Jay about her morning swim and the experience with the Tired Mums Club and he talks about some upcoming shoots and what he has left to do in the studio. She’d gone in to visit him out there this afternoon with Rosie and had been blown away by the progress he’d made. The dusty old outbuilding has been transformed into a bright white space, with portraits of her and Rosie on the walls that he’d got her to pose for not long after Rosie was born. She had felt incredibly awkward but knew it meant a lot to him and he’s a great photographer, so the photos are nice, even if she does look a little dead behind the eyes.
Rosie starts to cry and Kate reaches for her, bouncing her gently. As soon as she’s in Kate’s arms, she settles and a warmth spreads through Kate’s body at the satisfaction of being able to comfort her.
‘So, I’ve been meaning to tell you something … Emma is going wedding dress shopping in London tomorrow, and I’d like to go.’
Kate’s conversation with Phoebe decided it for her. She realised she was at risk of letting her hurt feelings get in the way of being there for her friend. And that maybe they might be struggling with the shift in their friendship too.
‘Leonie invited me and I wasn’t going to go, but I think I should. I want to. I know it’s quite last minute though …’
Jay shakes his head. ‘It’s OK, I think it’s great that you want to go. You’d regret it if you missed out. How about we all go together on the train? I can hang out nearby with Rosie in case she won’t take the bottle and I need to bring her to you for a quick feed?’
‘That would be amazing,’ Kate replies, relieved. Because making the decision was only one step – next she had to work out the logistics of getting to London for the day when she has a three-month-old who often refuses a bottle. To think that before having Rosie she used to just leave her house without thinking. Sometimes she’d just grab her keys and a book and go and sit on her favourite bench in Brockwell Park and read, not even taking a bag with her. Now, getting out and about feels like a military operation.
‘Oh shit,’ Jay says suddenly. ‘I just remembered. I’ve got a shoot tomorrow. It’s been in the diary for ages. I’d completely forgotten about it.’
Kate holds Rosie a little tighter, feeling her nestle into her chest and glancing down at her sleepy, contented face. Looking at the expression of calm and ease on her daughter’s face gives Kate a burst of courage.
‘It’s OK,’ she replies. ‘I’ll take her with me.’
‘Are you sure you’ll be OK on your own?’ Jay asks anxiously. ‘That sounds like a lot, navigating a train and the Underground and everything with her …’
Maybe it will be a lot. But then, the past few months have been a lot. And she’s still here, isn’t she? After everything she’s been through, she reckons she can handle London’s transport system.
‘It will be fine. I did live in London for years. I’m not a tourist. I’ve got this.’
Once they’ve talked through the logistics for tomorrow, Kate passes Rosie over to Jay.
‘Can you just take her for a second? I’m going to message Leonie to let her know I’m coming.’
Her reply comes in a few seconds later.
Leonie: Ahhh! I’m so pleased you’re coming. Em will be too! xx
Kate: Thanks, can’t wait to see you. Can you not tell Emma? I want it to be a surprise xx
Leonie: Great idea. She’ll be so happy! Xx
Kate busies herself with plans for the next day, making a list of everything she needs to take with her for herself (not much) and Rosie (a lot). As she thinks about going to London for the first time since moving and having Rosie, and seeing her friends again, she switches between extreme excitement and extreme nerves. Because what if Leonie is wrong? What if, after their last conversation and the distance that’s grown between them since, Emma isn’t happy to see her at all?