Chapter 43
What if no one shows up? It’s the thought that rolls around in Phoebe’s mind as she arrives at the river at 9.45 a.m. on Monday. It’s a grey morning and she glances anxiously at the sky. She wants to show her patients the joys of wild swimming and if it chucks it down, then that might not be so easy. Ever since she mentioned the group to Mel and sent the invitations to her patients, she’s been quietly panicking. It was one thing when the group was just an idea, but now it’s actually real. What if it’s a total failure? Mel has put her trust in her and she doesn’t want to let her down, especially as, after a night in her newly homely flat, thoughts about the future and her finances are weighing on Phoebe’s mind. She doesn’t want to let her patients down either, especially after everything they’ve been through. She’s seriously starting to freak out when she hears a familiar voice calling her name.
She turns to see the swimming group heading towards her through the meadow, Kate leading the way with Rosie in the sling.
‘I’m so glad to see you all!’ she says, greeting them in turn.
‘We’re glad to be here,’ replies Sandra.
‘Wouldn’t have missed it,’ adds Jazz, Hester nodding beside her.
‘I had study leave this morning,’ she explains. ‘I thought this could count as, like, work experience.’
‘This is Rosie’s first visit to the river,’ says Kate. ‘I think she likes it.’
Rosie looks around them with wide eyes, her arms and legs waving in the sling. It makes them all laugh and Phoebe finds herself relaxing a little.
The sound of someone clearing their throat causes Phoebe to turn around. Her face spreads into a relieved smile as she sees Ben standing somewhat awkwardly in the grass, a rucksack slung over his shoulder. Her eyebrows lift in surprise as she sees the diminutive figure of Maude beside him, the pair standing so close and seeming so comfortable in each other’s presence that they look as though they could be grandmother and grandson.
‘Ben! Maude! You came!’
It takes all her strength not to reach out and hug them both, but especially Ben. She’s been worrying about him all week, terrified that the news about his football group had sent him back down a spiral. It had been so hard not to check in, and now, seeing him here in person, she feels something lift off her shoulders slightly.
‘I found this one by the gate chatting to a hawthorn tree,’ he says, gesturing to Maude. ‘I figured she was one of us mad ones.’
Phoebe never uses that word herself and remembers kicking off once when Max made an offhand comment when they were out with his friends about Phoebe and her ‘mad patients’. She’d been seething, although he’d told her that she was overreacting. But the way Ben says it is different. He and Maude glance at each other and smile.
‘He’s a good shepherd, he is,’ Maude says, patting his arm.
‘Maude has been telling me filthy jokes.’
‘Um, I hope it’s OK that I’m here too?’ comes a clipped voice and Phoebe turns to spot Arabella and Camilla heading towards them, Arabella picking her way through the grass in satin ballet pumps but her mother in more substantial Birkenstocks. Their arms are linked together and Arabella carries a large straw basket over her shoulder. Camilla looks around warily. But she’s here.
‘Of course it is, Arabella. It’s great to see both of you.’
Phoebe meets Camilla’s eye and sees the wariness in her expression, but the glimmer of something else behind it too. A new-found determination, perhaps? Or just the wonder of being out of the house at last. She turns to take in everything around her.
Phoebe makes the introductions and Maude blesses everyone with the sign of the cross, which they all accept gamely. Then Sandra begins pulling items of clothing over her head. ‘I don’t know about you all, but I’m ready for a swim.’
As everyone starts to undress, Phoebe glances towards the gate, hoping to see Tara pushing her way through. But there’s no one else there, so she starts getting changed, trying not to feel disappointed.
‘I hope you don’t think I’m going to put trunks or one of them Speedos on,’ Ben says gruffly. ‘I’m going in like this.’ He gestures at his outfit: an Arsenal football kit.
‘That’s fine. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.’
The others are ready now and Phoebe catches Ben glancing across at Camilla, her pale, lined skin spilling out of a chic navy high-waisted bikini, and then at Arabella, his face turning a violent purple at the sight of her athletic, tanned physique in a black one-piece with a low, scooping back.
‘So, thank you all for being here,’ Phoebe says once they’re assembled on the riverbank, old swimmers and new standing side by side and barefoot. Kate is sitting this swim out but is stretched out happily on a blanket, tickling Rosie with a blade of grass. It feels good to have her new friend here, though, giving her the reassurance to continue. ‘I really appreciate you giving this idea of mine a go. I know it can’t have been easy to come.’
Ben shrugs. ‘I wasn’t going to. But then I realised I didn’t have anything better to do.’
She knows there’s more to it than that, though. That just getting out of bed, let alone out of the house and down here to a new place with new people, is something that for many people might seem small but for others is huge. She is about to say something, but it turns out she doesn’t have to because Camilla is nodding along.
‘I know that feeling. I thought I’d stay in bed forever after my Teddy died.’
They share a look of understanding and Phoebe catches Ben’s glance slipping to the scar on Camilla’s wrist when he thinks no one is looking.
‘I was the same after my first divorce,’ says Sandra, surprising Phoebe. She’s always so upbeat that it feels jarring to think of this other side of her, even though she knows better than anyone that everyone has that darker side in them somewhere.
Hester is nodding too. ‘I feel that way sometimes when I think about my exams.’
Camilla smiles appreciatively. ‘Thank you all, that really helps. When I got your email, Phoebe, I didn’t think I’d come either. But then I realised I’m fed up with staying trapped inside my house. My husband wouldn’t want that.’ She glances around her, taking in the willow trees, the bluebells and the riverboat. ‘I think he’d like it here,’ she adds with a smile. Already, she seems more relaxed, as if being surrounded by nature is topping up her reserves, giving her strength.
Sandra shares a few tips, telling them all to breathe deeply and slowly once they’re in the water.
‘And if you start to feel anxious, just let me know, OK?’ adds Phoebe. ‘And there’s a lifeguard on hand too.’
The lifeguard looks up and waves in their direction.
‘Right, shall we get in then?’
‘Abso-fucking-lutely!’ cries Maude, before striding for the diving board and bombing in, causing an enormous splash.
‘That’s the spirit, Maude!’ says Camilla, clapping her hands together, a sparkle appearing in her eyes.
Sandra and the others make their way in too and Phoebe follows, keeping the swear words inside this time as the cold water hits her.
‘I’m not sure about this, Mum,’ says Arabella, pausing on the bank.
‘Neither am I,’ says her mother. But she reaches out her hand. Phoebe watches as the women share a look, spotting the challenge in Camilla’s eye that surfaced the first time they met.
Arabella hesitates and then takes her mother’s hand. Together, the two women walk down into the river. A calm smile spreads immediately across Camilla’s face, but Arabella’s body is still tense, her shoulders up by her ears.
‘Let go, darling,’ Phoebe hears Camilla say softly. And Phoebe wonders whether the thing that persuaded Camilla to come here in the end wasn’t actually a sense of claustrophobia in her home or even thoughts of her husband. Maybe it was this: the way she watches her daughter as she shakes her head, her body frozen with tension.
‘I can’t,’ Arabella replies, her voice shaking. Phoebe thinks back to the first time she met Arabella, to her slick outfit and tight smile but the way she broke down as soon as Phoebe invited her to take off the mask for a moment.
‘You need to, darling. Go on, sweetheart.’
And then Arabella takes a deep breath and lets herself fall backwards into the water, dunking underneath, her golden hair spreading out behind her. When she resurfaces, her eyelashes are dripping with what could be river water or tears but is probably a mix of both. Her pristine make-up is dripping down her face and her hair hangs in a tangled mess around her shoulders. But she is smiling, properly smiling this time.
Phoebe catches the way her mother looks at her, pride plastered all over her face. The two women kick out into the middle of the river, joining the rest of the group.
As Phoebe turns to look back at the bank, she sees that Ben is still standing on the side.
‘Are you OK?’
‘I don’t think I can do it.’
‘It’s all right. Just take your time.’
The lifeguard has spotted his hesitation too and chips in softly but reassuringly, ‘It’s OK, I’m right here watching. Make sure you take deep breaths.’
But Ben isn’t taking deep breaths. In fact, they have become rapid and gasping. His whole body is shaking.
‘I can’t do it! I can’t do anything. I’m useless.’
Phoebe watches from the water, suddenly wondering if this whole thing was a terrible idea. Maybe this was too much for him. Maybe it was too much for all of them.
Camilla, who is closest to the bank, strides towards him. She reaches out her hand and as she does, Ben’s eyes fall again to the scar on her wrist.
‘You are so much stronger than you think you are,’ she says.
He hesitates and then takes a deep breath and reaches out his arm. Phoebe watches as Camilla’s and Ben’s gaze falls on the scar on Ben’s own wrist. Their eyes meet.
Camilla continues to hold out her hand.
‘We are so much stronger than we think we are,’ she says softly. And then their hands connect and Camilla pulls Ben gently down into the water.
He puffs and splashes as he swims vigorously in circles. ‘Bloody hell, you didn’t say it was so cold!’
‘It gets better quickly,’ Phoebe says. ‘You get used to it.’
He slows down, his breathing growing steadier. ‘Oh yeah, you’re right actually.’
‘Try floating like this,’ suggests Maude, lifting her head up slightly from where she is still lying on her back with her arms stretched wide. ‘It’s very relaxing.’
‘Why don’t we all give it a try?’ suggests Phoebe.
One by one, they lift their feet off the river bed. Lying like this, the willow trees form a cocoon around them, a few patches of sky and cloud just visible between the leaves.
‘Fill your lungs with air,’ instructs the lifeguard from the bank. ‘That will help you stay afloat. And remember to breathe slowly and deeply.’
Arabella lets out an audible sigh. Phoebe turns her head to glance over at the others. Maude and Ben are floating close to one another, both smiling. Maude kicks her toes slightly to create splashes that jump up onto Ben’s feet and he does the same back. Arabella and Camilla are holding hands as they float. Phoebe lies back and swallows hard, warm despite the cold of the river.
‘I think I’ve talked to you all before about mindfulness,’ she says. ‘But sometimes it can be difficult to achieve if you’re just sitting at home or at work. Somewhere like this is a great place to try it out. If things feel overwhelming, it can really help to calm us to focus on the small sensations in our bodies.’
It’s something she regularly encourages her patients to try, but for ages she hasn’t had the time to be mindful herself and the last couple of weeks have shown her that it’s time she tried taking her own advice.
‘Focus on the feeling of the water lapping against your ears, the light filtering down through the trees. Listen to the sound of the birds and the rustling of the reeds. Now take a deep breath.’
There’s the collective sound of them all inhaling.
‘Notice how you’re feeling. Be honest with yourself, don’t feel you have to push anything away. And now just try to be still.’
A breeze rustles the grass and wildflowers in the meadow. Phoebe can hear Kate talking softly to Rosie on the bank and the distant sound of children playing down in the campsite, a radio play coming from inside Hamish’s boat. Bees buzz and birds chirp softly in the trees. And the water holds them all afloat.