Chapter 45
Kate’s phone hasn’t stopped buzzing since she shared her post. She’s been flooded with messages from her friends, and as she walks back from the river with Rosie in the sling, she scrolls through them, trying her best not to get too emotional as she reads.
Emma: We’re so proud of you, Kate! And Rosie is going to be too xx
Leonie: Well done for speaking your truth. We love you! Xx
Erin: Saw your post and wanted to say how proud I am of you, little sis. Xx
Frank: You’re our hero, Kate! Love Frank, Jermaine and Sprout xx
Hope: I’ve SAid it Before and I’ll say it agaIN. Rosemary would be so proud of you.
There are messages in the Tired Mums Club group that Lexi added her to after their last swim, all the women cheering her on and thanking her for her honesty.
But as Kate scrolls through her phone, trying her best to keep up with replying to her friends, she isn’t sure that she deserves their praise. Because the truth is that her reasons for opening up weren’t entirely selfless.
This morning, she woke to a message from someone she went to school with but hasn’t spoken to in years.
Hey Kate, I’m not sure if you remember me. When I saw your Instagram post about your experiences with your baby, I just had to get in touch. My son was born six months ago and these past six months have been the hardest six months of my life. Most of all because I have struggled to bond with my son. I’ve felt that there’s something wrong with me, that when I look at him, I see a very cute little stranger but I have none of those gushy emotions that I thought I would feel. Reading your post made me feel so relieved. I had to get in touch to tell you that it’s not just you. I understand exactly how you feel. I haven’t told anyone else this, but seeing your post made me think that maybe I could. And that maybe it’s going to be OK. Love, Lizzie xx
It’s not the only message Kate has received like that. Throughout the day, she’s been flooded with them, some from acquaintances and colleagues but a lot from strangers. Each message tells a unique story but holds the same message: I understand. I see you. You’re not on your own.
For the first time in a long time, Kate feels truly hopeful for the future. She’d been so nervous about letting anyone see her vulnerability, but now she wishes she’d written her post ages ago.
As she crosses through the village, she lets herself think about all the things she is looking forward to. Rosie’s first pair of wellies. Taking her to the beach. Their first Christmas as a family. And top of her list is her first swimming lesson this afternoon. She managed to book on to a class that takes place in the next town.
‘Are you excited about going swimming later?’ she says to Rosie as they turn onto their lane. ‘I think you’re going to love it.’
The cottage comes into view and she spots her mum’s car parked on the drive.
Jay is making tea in the kitchen when Kate walks in and her mum looks up, a smile on her face. She’s in one of her usually chic outfits, today a denim jumpsuit that makes Kate think about painting Phoebe’s flat together with her new friends. Her bob is neat as ever, but Kate wonders if she looks a little tired and if her smile seems somewhat tight.
‘Hello, darling. I brought a lasagne.’ She gestures to the oven dish covered in foil that sits on the side.
‘Thanks, Mum. That’s really kind of you.’
‘I’ll leave you both to it,’ says Jay. ‘I’ve got work to do in the studio, but shout if you need anything.’ Since Kate shared her Instagram post with his photo and tagged him in, he’s been flooded with enquiries. Her friends from the Tired Mums Club have all booked portrait sessions with their babies and partners.
He kisses her as he passes and Kate lingers for a second, a hand rising involuntarily to his cheek. After last night, she woke feeling closer to him than she has in months. They brushed their teeth side by side and holding hands, and before she left to go to the river, they’d shared a long kiss, his arms tight and warm around her waist.
Once he’s gone, a silence descends. Kate doesn’t know how to bridge the distance that she feels has grown between her and her mum over recent weeks.
‘I saw your Instagram post, darling.’
‘Oh.’ So that’s why she’s here.
‘I just wanted to come and check on you.’
‘Thanks, Mum. But I’m doing OK. People have been so supportive.’
‘I saw that. What you said seems to have really connected with people – I scrolled through some of the comments and they’re really lovely. I’m very proud of you.’
‘Thank you, that means a lot, Mum.’
‘And you will get there, I know you will,’ she says now, putting down her tea so she can place a hand on Kate’s arm. ‘In your own time. I know you will utterly adore that little girl. Just like I adore my girls.’
Her eyes shine and she lets go of Kate’s arm to quickly wipe her face before taking a sip of tea.
‘I love you too, Mum. How are you doing, anyway? I feel like we haven’t spoken too much recently. Is everything OK?’
‘I …’ Her mother opens her mouth but quickly closes it again. She takes another sip of tea and then the fixed smile returns to her face. ‘I’m fine, sweetheart. Right, I’ve got to go now, actually, busy day. But I just wanted to come and check on you. Let’s get something in the diary soon, though.’ She kisses Rosie on the top of the head, then kisses Kate’s cheek too. ‘I’ll just pop to the loo before I go.’
As her mum heads upstairs, Kate notices that she has left her phone behind on the counter. The screen lights up with a new message. She doesn’t mean to look. But when she sees her stepfather’s name, she can’t help but glance over.
Brian: Have you spoken to Kate? You know we’ll have to tell them both eventually.
When she hears her mum’s footsteps on the stairs, she quickly turns her back on the phone and starts washing up in the sink, looking out at the garden.
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ her mum says, slipping her phone into her pocket and grabbing her bag. ‘Enjoy the lasagne. See you soon!’
There’s so much that Kate wants to ask her mum. But she doesn’t know how to even start the conversation without revealing that she invaded her privacy. So instead she hugs her and then watches from the doorway as she drives away, her mind spinning with the thought of what she might be hiding from her.