Chapter 50
‘Is it true?’ Ben asks as soon as Phoebe answers. ‘Are we not allowed to swim in the river anymore?’ His voice sounds tight and choked, as though he’s trying very hard to not cry. ‘I read something in the paper,’ he adds. ‘Saying the river is full of pollution. And the thing is, I don’t even care. I can close my mouth. Have a shower after. I liked swimming there. I mean, it’s not football. But still … It made me feel good. It made me feel happy.’
He takes a couple of sharp inhales. She should have let him know the news herself. But, what with the date and then the emergency meeting, there hadn’t been time.
‘I know it’s a shock. And disappointing, especially after what happened with the football club. Are you doing OK? I can come and see you if you’re feeling especially low, or like hurting yourself?’
There’s a sniff on the other end of the line, but when he speaks again, his voice sounds a little bit steadier. ‘No, it’s OK. It’s just so unfair.’
‘It is. But I don’t want this to be over either. I loved swimming with you all too and really want to be able to keep doing it.’ As she says it, an idea comes to her. ‘Actually, a group of us are getting together to try to do what we can to clean up the river and save our swimming spot. We will need plenty of volunteers to help. If you’re interested?’
‘You think we can do something about it?’
There’s such a note of hope in his voice that it makes her hopeful too, renewing her determination.
‘Yes, I do. It won’t be easy, but then you know all about dealing with things that aren’t easy, don’t you?’
‘You really think I can help?’
Phoebe thinks about all the ways life has knocked this young man back, never giving him the confidence to feel he could amount to much. But Phoebe has always seen the potential for joy in him, the way he lights up when he talks about Arsenal football club or how he chatted so animatedly with Maude and the others when he was down by the river. She believes in him and his capacity to take charge of his own life, regardless of all the stones that have been thrown at him. If she didn’t, she would have quit her job a long time ago.
‘Yes, I do.’
‘OK. You just tell me what you need me to do, Nurse Harrison,’ he says firmly – and once she is off the phone, she contacts the other members of the Mental Health Wild Swimming Group to let them know the news.
‘That’s OK,’ says Maude. ‘I was more interested in the bees anyway. Hamish says I can keep visiting to help out.’
But the others seem just as concerned as Ben.
‘I know I didn’t actually swim with you all,’ says Tara. ‘But I hoped that next time I might.’
The fact that Tara, who hadn’t left her house in months up until that point, has been thinking about a ‘next time’ breaks Phoebe’s heart but strengthens her resolve all at once.
After doing her best to reassure both Tara and Camilla, who also tells her how much the visit to the river helped both her and Amanda, Phoebe types an email to Mel, updating her on everything that has happened.
All of this news means that my new mental health wild swimming group has been temporarily suspended. I hope to get it started again eventually, but at the moment it’s uncertain. However, myself and a group of other swimmers have decided to launch a campaign to clean up the river and protect it for future generations. And I was hoping to get my patients involved, if they’re interested.
I know it’s not the same sort of group I initially planned, but I thought that volunteering might still bring our patients a sense of community and belonging. It’s these things – feeling connected and feeling part of something – that I’ve seen make the biggest difference to the people I’ve worked with over the years. Isn’t that what we all crave? I certainly know it’s something I’m trying to make more time for in my own life.
Anyway, I know this will probably impact on our conversations about a promotion, as my scheme to start the river swimming club has been far from a success. In fact, you could say it’s been a complete failure.
I understand if that is the case. The most important thing is to feel like I’m doing my bit to help a place and people I care about.
As she hits send, she hears the sound of ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ drifting up from the deli below. A smile appears on her face as she recalls the sight of Luca and his father dancing together to the same song. So many other images of Luca come rushing into her mind. Him rearranging the displays with such attention and care. How it felt to have his knee brushing against hers as they rowed together down the river, Phoebe struggling to concentrate because of the warmth of his skin against hers. And his face when Max called her name on the street and they pulled apart from where they’d been standing, just centimetres away from one another.
She gets up quickly, her body suddenly rushing with a bubbling kind of energy. She doesn’t know what the future holds for herself, her career, the river or her patients. But she knows that the sight of Luca’s flour-smeared face and wild curls makes her feel happy. And that even though her job is about helping other people find their version of happiness, she deserves to find hers too.
She rushes out of the flat, shutting the door quickly behind her. When she makes it downstairs to the deli, she pushes open the door firmly, making the bell jingle loudly. But instead of Luca, she sees his father, who looks up from behind the counter where he’d been mopping and dancing along to the song, his eyes misty but a warm smile on his face.
‘Ciao, Phoebe,’ he says, resting the mop against the counter. ‘I was just closing up. A successful night, I’d say.’
‘Hi there. Is Luca around?’
He shakes his head. ‘He headed out a little while ago. Said he needed some air. He seemed upset.’ He raises an eyebrow and Phoebe wonders whether he saw the two of them in the street together and how much Luca has told him about her.
There were things that she and Max had needed to say to one another, but she still wishes that she hadn’t let go of Luca’s hand. And now Luca isn’t here. But she thinks she might now where he could be.
‘Thanks anyway,’ she calls back to his father as she heads for the door again. As she pushes it open, she catches a glimpse of him shaking his head, smiling to himself.
She attempts to break into a run as she heads out of the village and towards the fields, but several years of no exercise and a carb-heavy diet mean that the run quickly becomes a jog and not long after that, a fast walk. In the vision she has of this moment in her mind, she would be running towards Luca, red hair flying behind her in the breeze, but she will have to settle for a speedy walk towards her future instead.
Even knowing what she knows about the state of the water, it still gives her a pang to see a sign that has been tied to the gate into the meadow which reads, Do NOT enter the water. Danger of serious illness. No rowing, no kayaking, no paddleboarding, no swimming, until further notice. It’s equally jarring to see the meadow so empty as she ducks under the hawthorn tree and steps down towards the riverside.
It’s a golden summer’s evening, so the meadow should be filled with groups picnicking and having barbecues, teenagers jumping in from the rope swing and people floating about in the water. But the place is empty, the hatch on the Kingfisher closed and access to the river cut off by yellow tape and more warning signs.
Then she spots the figure sitting on the pontoon, legs dangling down over the river. Phoebe makes her way slowly through the buttercups and wildflowers.
At the sound of her approach, Luca spins around, his face a mix of emotions as he spots her coming towards him. He turns back to watching the river flowing by as she ducks under the tape and lowers herself down until she is sitting next to him on the pontoon. She can feel the heat from his body but makes sure she leaves just a centimetre of space between them so their bodies aren’t actually touching. He is leaning back against his hands and she does the same.
‘Hey. I hope I’m not disturbing you.’
‘That’s OK. I was just thinking about my mum. She used to come swimming here.’
‘You never told me that,’ Phoebe says with surprise.
‘I’m still getting used to talking about her in the past tense.’
She reaches out for his hand, wrapping her fingers through his.
‘I’m so sorry, Luca, about your mum and everything you’ve been dealing with.’
There were so many times when Phoebe was younger when she was forced to consider what it might be like to live life without her dad in it. In the really tough moments, when she could see just how painful it was for her dad simply to be alive, it felt almost inevitable that one day she would lose him. But he got through it. They got through it. Seeing Luca’s pain reminds her of her promise to herself to hold her family more tightly from now on. Her life might still be here in Somerset and not down with them all in Cornwall, but she needs to make space for them, not just for the odd rushed phone conversation but for proper quality time together. For swimming in the sea with her dad, watching their favourite cooking shows with her nan and having proper catch-ups with her mum over cups of tea in the kitchen.
‘Thank you. Mostly I’ve just been trying to look after Dad. They’d been together since they were teenagers, so it’s been huge for him, losing her. I just want to do what I can to help him through this.’
That curl of hair, now so familiar, falls over his left eyebrow. Phoebe shuffles slightly, the space between them shrinking to just millimetres.
‘That’s great, and he’s really lucky to have you. But you lost your mum. You’re allowed to need help too.’
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands, his attention down on the water.
‘I guess you’re right. It’s taken me a while to accept that. A friend sent me a link to a local grief support group. I wasn’t thinking of going, but maybe …’ He trails off, his eyes fixed on the water that flows beneath them. Butterflies zip about in the air, and insects land on the water every now and then, causing the tiniest of ripples before moving off again. It still looks beautiful here, even with everything they now know about the place.
‘I think that sounds like a great idea.’ She gives him a sideways glance, taking in his shifting, thoughtful expression. ‘You might inspire me to get help with my drinking. I haven’t had a drink in a while, but still, maybe I could do with talking to someone about why I turn to it when I’m stressed. Jesus, a mental health nurse who uses alcohol as a coping mechanism … Alcohol is literally a depressant. I, of all people, should know that.’
‘Your job comes with a lot of pressure,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if there are lots of other people in your profession who do the same or similar.’
Phoebe wonders for the first time if it’s true. So much of her work is done alone, out and about in the community with her patients. She doesn’t spend much time with other nurses, other than her boss, Mel, who, come to think of it, does always look exhausted. It sparks something in Phoebe’s mind. But she pushes it away to turn so she is fully facing Luca.
‘I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have left like that. Things with my ex are very, very much over.’
‘And this?’
He gestures between them.
She takes a steadying breath.
‘I like to think it’s just getting started?’
As they reach for one another, the trees above them dip their branches down into the water, making it feel as though it’s just the two of them in the world, as if this place is theirs and all its problems have for a moment disappeared.