Chapter 26 Kitty #2
He inhaled. “When I was eight and ten, my father died of fever, leaving my brother as heir to the Sinclair estates. Hugh was everything I was not. He had a mind for business and was the spitting image of my grandfather. My youngest brother, Julien, and I were raised by Hugh in a sense . . . but he wasn’t a kind eldest brother. He was . . .”
“Yes,” I prodded, thinking of my relationship with Edward. “I, too, have an older brother.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Who loves you dearly and would do anything for you. Hugh was the golden child in our family. And Julien was always ignored and relegated to the nursery to occupy himself. Meanwhile, I attained the distinction of being the proverbial black sheep, always in trouble.”
“I cannot see that,” I admitted as I relaxed against the pillow.
“No?” He trailed his fingers to the bare spot on my shoulder, peeking above the quilt.
“You seem far too much a gentleman to be a black sheep.”
His mouth curved in a lopsided fashion. “Well, I wasn’t a gentleman.
Not at all. As a youth, I played cards, drank like a sailor, and carried on so much that my grandfather threatened to send me to the military.
I suppose it was my way of rebelling. But when my eldest brother died, I left on a grand tour of sorts, studying with every fencing master I could find. Running away, if I’m honest.
“I made many mistakes in those years. I was too much a coward to face the mistakes and make amends. Had I not met William Carey and Jean-Louis Michel, who knows what further trouble I would have discovered. I will forever be grateful to Michel for rescuing me first. As a Creole from Saint-Domingue, celebrated across France as a master swordsman and decorated soldier under Napoleon, he had no reason to trust a spoiled British youth, yet he saved my life with his discipline. Their friendship brought the faith I now cherish.”
I kept quiet, waiting for him to share more. I sensed somehow that he did not share this side of himself with many.
“You see, my brother died because of me. Had I not been a drunken sot too quick with his mouth and his fists, and too loose with his bets, my brother wouldn’t have been targeted late one night inside our warehouse.
I owed money, and an unruly sort came to collect it, mistaking Hugh for me. Now I am the sole heir but for Julien.”
He said nothing about Celeste and I did not ask. But my heart felt for him with such a motley past.
I cleared my throat. “You should not carry such guilt inside.”
“Easy to say,” he said.
“I have heard that it is harder to forgive oneself than others. But I am not an expert on forgiveness. If you have uncovered the secret of living a life free of regret, I should like to know. Freddy tells me that mercy is a necessity for peace. Perhaps this is why we so desperately need God’s help. To calm the storm.”
And how a tempest raged within me—full of doubt, bringing every anxiety and fear roiling to the surface.
Would Sebastian soon abandon me the way my grandfather had—or my mother, according to Aunt—should I disappoint him?
Instead of retreating, he pressed a kiss against my forehead. “Thank you for the reminder.”
As he leaned back, his hand once again moved to my hair, smoothing the damp strands from my face. The rhythmic motion of his touch was soothing, and before long, I felt sleep pulling me under as the ship rocked.
The last thing I remembered was the gentle cadence of his voice humming a song and the steady rise and fall of his hand against my hair.
When I woke again, the relentless rocking had been replaced by a gentle sway.
I blinked, the light of the oil lamp casting a flickering glow across the cabin.
He had tidied the room while I slept—including that dreadful basin.
And he had changed into a loose white shirt and dark trousers and sat on the small stool, reading as if he hadn’t a care in the world.
Sebastian Sinclair liked books.
My heart skipped a beat when I read the title. Pride and Prejudice.
His tousled hair and chiseled features brought a pang of longing.
He raised his head to catch me staring. “You are awake?”
I nodded, suddenly shy.
He set the book down and, with two strides, was by my side, his expression furrowed as he helped me into a fresh dress. His hands moved with careful precision, tying the laces at my back before lifting me into his arms.
The action shocked me. Then he stood, nearly hitting his head against the ceiling while holding me close to his chest before angling to leave the room.
“Where are we going?” I murmured, my head resting against his shoulder.
“To the deck,” he said with a hint of a smile. “You need fresh air and perhaps a few stars to gain your bearings again.”
My breath caught in my throat as he pressed me against his chest, where I could feel a rapid beat—matching my own.
He carried me through the narrow hall and up the stairs to the open deck to my favorite spot on the ship.
The night sky had cleared, revealing the Milky Way shimmering above us, its glittering orbs strung across a sky of ink.
I gasped, my breath catching at the beauty of it.
The stars were brighter, sharper, as though they’d been waiting just for the two of us this particular evening of stargazing.
Even without my telescope, which was carefully packed away in a trunk, I could not tear my gaze away from the heavens.
“They’re different somehow tonight,” I whispered. “I suppose they appear brighter over the black ocean.” I had six months ahead on this cursed boat, but the night sky promised a reprieve.
Sebastian’s arms tightened around me. “They’re the same stars. But from here, they feel like a promise. See the North Star? It calls us home, guiding us with every step, reminding us when we drift off course. Neither you nor I are lost, not when we see God’s handiwork.”
I glanced up at him, my heart catching at the way the moonlight softened his features. He was beautiful—in a different way from Lord Chudley, the kind of beauty that might be ignored at first glance. But the more I was with him, the more I found myself inextricably bound to him.
“Do you think we’ll be happy in India?” I asked, my voice small.
He looked down at me, his expression unreadable. “I daresay happiness is a choice, no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in,” he said as he held me close. “But I, for one, am looking forward to new beginnings.”
I hesitated, then asked the question that had been lingering in my mind since the wedding. “Why haven’t you . . . kissed me again? Not since the night . . . the wedding . . .”
Something flickered in his eyes—restraint, perhaps, or hesitation. I couldn’t tell. “You’ve been through so much, Kitty. I didn’t want to rush you.”
“You mentioned a name, Celeste.”
I felt the muscles in his arms tense about me. “Ah, I am sorry. A mistake, years ago. I was nineteen and foolish, and she was a singer. If I could go back and tell my younger self to run away from her, I would. I am not that man anymore.”
“You do not long for her?”
“No,” he said. “You are my wife.”
The honesty in his words stilled me.
We remained in silence, the two of us beneath the stars, the weight of the world momentarily forgotten as the wind rippled the sails above us.
“You said our grandfathers are very much alike.”
“It’s true,” he said ruefully. “Lord Sinclair is a man driven by duty like the colonel, and he is as storm-forged as the prow of a ship, withstanding every wave. He will like you, I think, but you must not let him bully you with his indomitable will.”
The stars above me seemed to dim as a sense of unease slithered into me, ruining the perfection of this moment on the deck.
I had left one guardian who had controlled my every move. Would Sebastian and I clash with yet another?
As Sebastian’s arms wrapped securely around me, I let myself wonder if, perhaps, this journey held more risk than I ever could have imagined.