Chapter 20 #2
I look into his eyes. He’s genuine and soft.
I know Lawson is a good person. I never doubted that once.
Bellamy trusts him. I nod my head and cross my arms over my chest. I know I shouldn’t, but I do feel insecure about what I’m wearing now.
I feel like I should have never put it on.
A low-cut cropped shirt, and loose but incredibly short shorts.
I want to be swallowed whole by a t-shirt at this moment.
I want to feel comfort. I follow Lawson out to his car, and we get inside.
“Thank you...” My voice is hardly audible over the car turning on.
“You don’t have to thank me. I swear I could fucking kill Caleb for…” He stops himself. “Just know that if it were up to me he’d be on the floor of that frat house.”
“Did you do that because of Bellamy?” I ask, my eyes trying to stay focused on the street in front of us.
“Do what?” Lawson’s voice is low.
I’ve never been incredibly close with Lawson. He and I have always been cordial, even though we weren’t close. When we spoke briefly, it always felt like we were on the same page. The same wavelength in a weird way. I feel that now.
“Defend me like that… Step in at all,” I explain, and he sighs.
“I’d say yes because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to say, but it’s not the truth. Not all of it. At the end of the day, he’s my best friend, and I care about the people he cares about. But I wasn’t thinking of Bellamy at all when I stepped in, no,” He admits.
I had a sneaking suspicion.
“Thank you… But why then, if not for Bell?” I ask, and Lawson laughs.
“Because you and I are the same, Kam. Truth be told I’m worse.
I fuck anyone and everyone I want. I don’t hook up more than once.
I dress in whatever I want. I talk to who I want and I party when I want.
I’m almost positive your body count is half of mine, yet I’ve never in my life had to deal with anyone calling me anything, or commenting on what I do.
I’ve never been approached like you were.
I’ve never felt scared like that. I stepped in because it’s bullshit that people treat you like that and then they look at me like I’m… ” He stops.
“Like you’re a god for all your… conquests,” I choose my words carefully and he nods.
“Because the double standard pisses me off. Because Caleb is a piece of shit for thinking like he does. I don’t care if you’ve said yes to everyone on campus besides him, he still has no fucking right.
I’ve never had to go through it, and I hate that you do.
Even before Bellamy when someone mentioned it.
When guys were fucking pigs about any girl, especially you.
Bell and I both defend you. Because who you sleep with doesn’t affect anyone but you,” He finishes and I can’t even comprehend that.
Lawson and Bellamy were my defense team even before they knew me as well as they do now.
I stay quiet as he pulls away from the crowded street. We only drive for a few seconds before Bellamy’s name flashes across the car screen, a call coming in.
“I told him you were there… He was worried about you today, and I didn’t expect to see you there. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. They’re best friends, it makes sense. That doesn’t stop me from fearing what he’ll say. The last time we spoke we were fighting. And having to tell him what Caleb said, what everyone else is probably saying…
“It’s okay, you can answer,” My eyes drift away from the screen, my stomach heavy at just the sight of his name.
I’d love nothing more than to crawl into bed with him, with his shirt on.
With his arms wrapped around me. That sounds just like the comfort I was wishing for just a second ago.
I don’t know if that’s even a possibility right now.
I don’t know if Bellamy would even want to see me after what just happened.
“Do you want him to know that you’re in the car…” He asks. “I won't tell him if that’s what makes you feel the most comfortable. He doesn’t have to know anything at all,” He warns, and I shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest again.
He would keep this from his best friend because he cares. Because he’s respectful. That’s what makes me feel comfortable right now. Lawson being who he is, far better than I knew he was.
“I’ll end up telling him if you don’t. It’s fine, say what you want,” I can hear my voice shaking.
I don’t know if I’m cold or if I’m scared, or if I’m anxious. It could be all three. I really don’t know how I’m feeling at all right now besides hurt. Lawson answers the call and waits for Bellamy to speak.
“You don’t sound like you’re at a party,” His voice is over the loudspeaker of the car.
My chest burns at the sound of his voice. I shake and Lawson reaches forward, turning on a light stream of heat in his car.
“I left… Something happened, um...Kam...Kamryn is in the car with me, I told her I would take her somewhere else,” He tells his best friend.
“What do you mean something happened?” Bellamy’s voice changes from normal to serious in a matter of a second.
“Caleb, the point guard of the basketball team. He happened. I stopped him before he got what he was looking for. She stopped me before I killed him for trying something like that,” Lawson won't look at me.
He’s angry, he has been since he left. Lawson has always been somewhat hot headed, I’ve seen it on the field and I’m seeing it now.
“Ryn, are you there?”
My heart beats faster the second he says my name.
“I’m here,” I hardly recognize my own voice.
“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” When it was happening it didn’t feel good. It did hurt as he pressed against me, but I’m not hurt now.
“I’m fine.”
“Baby, you don’t sound okay. Are you okay to go home? Do you feel safe?”
I let out a shaky breath and I don’t think about it before I even speak.
“Can I come over?” My question surprises me.
Mostly because it’s unlike me. Mostly because I thought that I would be tolerating him throughout this entire endeavor, not relying on him to comfort me.
It’s shocking because I’m afraid of rejection, and I know that he could tell me no right now, but all I keep thinking about is being in his presence so I have to try.
“Always,” He says and I feel heat flow through my stomach, and tears burn my eyes. Relief is prominent in me. “Hey, Lawsy...”
“Yep,” Both of Lawson's hands are on the wheel, and his eyes are on the road.
His knuckles are white from how hard he grips the steering wheel.
“Thank you,” Bellamy’s voice is sincere.
“Of course. I’m going to be there in a few minutes to drop her off. The apartment is yours tonight,” He tells his best friend, and I let out a short sigh, trying to not cry right now.
I didn’t hesitate to ask to go to his place, but I know it’s the place that will make me feel the most comfortable right now.
Bellamy makes me feel simple. He makes me feel like things aren’t the end of the world.
He makes me feel like stuff isn’t as bad as it feels, and I want to feel like this wasn’t that bad. I want to feel okay right now.
I want to work through what happened, but I don’t want to do that alone.
We drive in silence, no music, no nothing.
I notice the normal apartment building that I’ve been to a few times now, and Lawson pulls up to the front.
Bellamy is already standing out front. He’s not wearing a shirt, only sweatpants.
It looks like he ran from the apartment the minute Lawson said he was dropping me off.
“Tell Sienna that I’m okay... And tell her that I’ll call her and tell her everything tomorrow.”
Lawson nods, “Um… I… I will. Are you okay though? Really?”
I have no idea what’s really going on with Sienna, but I’m sure he’ll talk to her tonight before I do.
“I will be. Thank you. I was afraid you thought... I was afraid you thought I was trying to hook up with him, or that it was my choice because-”
“I could see how scared you were, Kam. I didn’t think that for a second. I’m sorry I didn’t step in sooner,” He speaks out to me. “Be safe.”
I open the door, and start to get out of the car, “You too.”
Bellamy steps forward, he doesn’t touch me, he just looks at me, and leans down. I walk forward, not hearing what he says to his friend as I step inside the apartment building. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling exposed right now. Bellamy walks in, his hands in his pockets.
“You’re staying the night?” He asks and I hesitate. “You’re more than welcome to. I want you to. Only if you feel comfortable,” He puts me first without hesitation.
My heart melts.
“I want to stay with you,” I admit.
“I already have clothes set out for you.”
The butterflies reign free in my stomach, just like they have every single day since I went out with Bellamy. We get in the elevator, and Bellamy is looking at me. I can feel it, but I don’t know what to say other than I don’t want to be looked at.
I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to talk to someone I feel like I barely know, but know so well all at once.
The elevator opens, and he leads the way to his apartment, and once he opens the door, I step in first, and we walk into his bedroom together.
Just like he had said, there are clothes ready for me.
“Go change, or shower, or do whatever you need to do. I’ll wait. I can sleep on the couch if you’re not comfortable being next to me… or you can stay here with me,” He motions to his bed.
I just look at him, not sure how to respond to his kindness, especially not after how I ignored him today.
I know we need to talk about that, but I can’t.
.. I don’t think I can even think about what happened today.
.. All I feel like doing right now is pretending.
All I’d like to do is to be with Bellamy Archer and pretend with him. Just for one night.