Chapter 17
17
‘So,’ said Kevin, when she arrived back at her little terraced rental three hours later. ‘Are you going to show me the sights and sounds of this big city?’ He was relaxed – or perhaps collapsed would be a better way to describe it – on the sofa after taking Lili for a walk, spending half an hour playing hide-and-seek in the house and its small back garden, then being forced to endure what Lili had called ‘a makeover’, which seemed to have consisted of Lili raiding Adeline’s make-up bag and applying liberal amounts of eyeshadow, blusher and lipstick to her uncle’s face. He looked exhausted and although he’d clearly tried to clean the make-up off post-glow-up, he still had a smudge of lipstick in the corner of his mouth. Adeline tried not to laugh. She’d wondered why they hadn’t come up to the shop to meet her, but looking at her crumpled brother, it was now easy to see.
‘Well,’ she said, eyeing his slumped form, ‘I was thinking of grabbing us a pizza at the Café des Sports if you think you can cope with leaving the house? Or should I call an ambulance?’
‘Ha ha.’ He sat up with a groan. ‘If you think a young man like me can be worn out by three hours with a five-year-old, you’d… well, you’d be right,’ he admitted with an eye-roll and a shake of his head. ‘That girl has endless energy!’
‘Tell me about it.’
As if to prove them both right, Lili rushed into the room and thrust a picture into Kevin’s hand. It was a wobbly oval, coloured in with a multitude of different colours, one or two lines spilling over the edge. ‘Wow,’ Kevin said obediently. ‘This is amazing!’
‘It’s an Easter egg,’ Lili said. ‘My class is doing an Easter dance next week. In the square. Are you going to come?’
Kevin looked guilty. ‘Well, I have to be back at work by then. But how about your mum films it for me? I’d love to see it.’
Lili looked downcast. ‘You have to go?’
Kevin reached forward and pulled her onto his lap. ‘Yes, Lili. I do. But you know what? I’ll come back. And you can visit me in England. And you can show me your dance and tell me all about it.’
This seemed to appease Lili a little. She gave a small, curt nod, although her mouth remained downturned. Adeline felt a shiver of guilt, watching them together. Both at her past actions and at the fact that she’d chosen to take her daughter so far from her only known family.
‘I can get Mamie to take pictures too,’ Lili said suddenly, her face brightening.
‘Yes,’ Kevin nodded. ‘Mummy will take lots of pictures, I’m sure.’
‘No, silly!’ she said, smiling. ‘ Mamie . At the shop.’
Kevin’s brow furrowed. ‘Who?’
‘That’s Monique, sweetheart,’ Adeline said.
‘But she’s my mamie ?’ Lili said, a question in her voice.
‘She means grandmother,’ Adeline whispered to Kevin. ‘No, Lili,’ she said more loudly. ‘Monique is kind of like a mamie, isn’t she. But she’s not your mamie .’
‘Oh,’ Lili said, her voice flat. ‘OK.’
‘But listen, that doesn’t matter,’ Adeline said. ‘She thinks you’re amazing! And I know she’ll take lots of pictures for you.’
Another curt nod.
Adeline looked at Kevin who raised his eyebrows. ‘Anyway!’ she said loudly, clapping her hands. ‘Who’s up for pizza at the cafe?’
Lili nodded and slipped off Kevin’s lap. Her uncle stood up and took her hand. ‘Of course,’ he said, ‘you’re going to have to show me the way. I don’t want to get lost again!’
‘Silly Uncle Kevin,’ Lili said, in the manner of one whose endless patience was being tested by an adult’s incompetence. ‘Come on then.’
‘Might want to give your face a quick wash first?’ Adeline suggested to Kevin, nodding towards the mirror.
He looked, baulked and nodded. ‘Yep. Good call.’
The walk to the cafe was quiet. Adeline thinking about the Easter show and the fact that Lili clearly longed to have family there to watch her. One or two locals whom Adeline had seen in the shop but couldn’t yet name walked past and gave cheery bonjour s, and it was adorable to see Lili greet them back with a bonjour of her own.
‘Very friendly here,’ Kevin remarked once they’d passed a third person who’d nodded and smiled at them.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It really is. Maybe it’s a French thing. Or a small town thing? It didn’t happen at first, not when I was new. But over time I think people have seen me in the shop or the street – they know I’m local. It’s nice.’
At that moment, they entered the cafe and almost collided with André, who was standing just inside the entrance. He looked at them all and gave a curt nod.
Of all the people, why did she keep nearly barging into André? He probably thought she was constantly rude. ‘Sorry,’ she said quietly.
‘It’s OK,’ he said, opening his mouth to say something else. ‘I?—’
‘ Bonjour !’ Lili said with a smile.
He looked at her and grinned. ‘Hello, petite Lili, ’ he said, his voice soft. Lili giggled delightedly. ‘Well, I must go,’ he said after a further moment’s silence, moving off and taking a seat at one of the tables in the far corner.
‘One of your friends? ’ Kevin raised an eyebrow.
‘Kevin! It’s not like that. He’s just a nice guy. Runs the bakery.’
Kevin nodded knowingly.
‘For god’s sake, why does everyone seem to want to set me up with someone?’ she said, half exasperated, half laughing.
Kevin smiled. ‘Sorry, I should probably sort out my own pathetic love life before trying to set you up.’
She elbowed him discreetly. ‘He is pretty gorgeous,’ she admitted. ‘But I very much doubt I’m his type. And besides, I was a bit rude to him one time. Not intentionally. But he probably thinks I’m a bit of a cow.’
‘Still,’ Kevin said, looking over again. ‘He seems to be looking at you a lot.’
‘Really?’ she glanced over again, but this time André had lifted the menu and seemed to be studying it. She wanted to ask Kevin what he meant. Was André looking at her or looking at her? But she shook herself. It didn’t matter.
By the time their pizzas had arrived, she’d put André out of her mind. The cafe had filled up and the mixture of noise, the smell of freshly baked pizza, mingled with coffee and wine and various perfumes, created a buffer between his table and theirs. Lili ate with gusto, determined to finish her pizza first and buoyed by the promise of ice cream from her uncle.
‘So,’ said Kevin carefully. ‘Have you thought any more about what I said? About coming back?’ His cheeks flushed a little. There was a bit of cheese, Adeline noticed, in his beard.
Adeline looked at him.
‘How long is your contract?’ he pressed.
‘Three months, initially.’
‘Oh, that’s not too bad!’ Kevin looked relieved. ‘So maybe finish that up and come home?’
Adeline felt something sink inside her stomach. ‘Kevin, I’m not sure I want to. For starters, I’m hoping Monique is going to extend it. And I’m not sure I’m finished with this place yet!’
‘Even if you find your birth mum? You still want to stay?’
Adeline set her fork down. ‘Well, what’s the harm? It’s lovely here. Somewhere different. And… I don’t know, it’s starting to feel like home.’
He made a face. ‘But you’ll come to your real home eventually, right?’
‘London? Yes, probably. But I’m not sure when.’
‘Just be careful.’
‘Careful?’ She felt herself stiffen. ‘Why?’
‘It’s a lovely place,’ he agreed. ‘But it’s not you, Addy. You’re a city girl.’
‘Am I though?’ she challenged. ‘Just because I’ve never lived somewhere like this doesn’t mean I don’t love the life here.’
‘But have you thought about her?’ he said, nodding discreetly at Lili who was chopping up her remaining piece of pizza, creating some sort of elaborate artwork on her plate.
‘Yes. She’s pretty happy here, Kevin, in case you hadn’t noticed.’ She could hear anger in her words when she spoke and tried to lighten her tone. The last thing she wanted to do was argue with him. And it didn’t matter really what he thought. She didn’t need his or anyone else’s approval to live her life the way that was right for her.
He put his hand over hers, gently. She felt her fingers stiffen but kept her hand in place. ‘Yes, she is,’ he said. ‘And that’s the problem.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘What I mean is, maybe you have to make a decision sooner than you think. About whether you want to live here for years. Forever maybe. I can imagine it’ll be great to live here for a bit. Get your fix of the French culture – a break from the everyday. But sooner or later you’re probably going to want to come home.’
‘So then I’ll come home.’
‘But by then,’ he said, ‘ this will be Lili’s home. It’s already becoming her home.’
‘But…’
‘You’ve got this feeling of not belonging. Not quite fitting in. That’s what you said, isn’t it? That’s what you told me when you found the papers.’
‘Well, yes.’
‘But don’t you see? You might be fixing your own need to understand yourself, feel part of things. Find your roots. But what are you doing to her? She won’t remember London in a few months’ time. This will be her home. So when you move back, you’ll be making her feel displaced. Torn. She already thinks your boss is her grandmother.’
Adeline drew her hand away. ‘Oh, come on, she’s just five. Five-year-olds create their own sense of things.’
‘We all do. We all try to make sense of things. And I get it. I really do. But just be careful you aren’t creating problems for Lili down the line. Her own sense of not fitting in. Displacement,’ he said, shrugging and shoving a piece of pizza into his mouth.
Adeline put her fork down. She suddenly didn’t feel hungry.
Across the table, Lili was looking at them. ‘Stop it,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘Stop fighting, you two,’ she said, wagging a finger.
The moment was broken by this little display of defiance and they both laughed. ‘We’re not fighting, love,’ said Adeline. ‘Just talking about boring grown-up stuff.’
He waited until they’d eaten dessert, paid the bill and exited into the sunny street before raising it again. Lili was running ahead now, skipping and singing to herself, when Kevin cleared his throat. ‘Look, I don’t want to fight. But I do know that I want to say this before I go. I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t.’
‘I get it. I understand what you’re saying about France and Lili and London. And I do appreciate it. It’s nice you care enough to be a pain in the arse about it,’ she said, raising an eyebrow.
‘Hey, I’m your brother. It’s my job.’
She laughed.
‘And I guess I wanted to say you’re not the only one who feels lonely.’ He shrugged as if it didn’t matter. ‘Not the only one who wants a connection.’
‘Oh, Kevin.’ She put her arm around him. ‘Come on. It’s not like we’re so far away.’
‘You’re in a different world.’
She snorted. ‘Kevin, you live in London. There’s a different world around every corner. We’re just trying something. It’ll be OK.’
‘Just make sure you think about it,’ he said, firmly. ‘That you’re not being…’ He trailed off .
‘Not being what?’ She took her arm away and stood to face him.
‘Selfish.’
She felt heat rise inside her and before she knew what she was doing she shoved him in the chest. ‘Selfish! Oh, that’s rich.’
He stumbled back slightly, surprised, then stepped towards her again, mouth open as if he wanted to say something. But before he could reach her, there was the sound of running feet and a tall man rushed up and grabbed Kevin’s arms, pinning them behind his back.
‘What the…?’ Kevin turned slightly to see his assailant.
It was André.
‘André!’ Adeline said, then in French, ‘What are you doing?’
‘He’s hurting you.’
‘No. No, he’s not.’
He nodded. ‘In the cafe. I saw how he spoke to you. And now, you are shoving him away. Your boyfriend, he is not a nice man.’
Adeline felt her cheeks get hot, she gave a little laugh. Kevin looked on, confused and not understanding a word. ‘André, he’s my brother. Not my boyfriend. And yes, we’ve argued. But honestly, he’d never hurt me.’
Slowly André released Kevin’s arms. Her brother rubbed his wrists, like a prisoner on TV being removed from handcuffs, and glowered at André.
‘It’s OK,’ Adeline said to him. Then to André, ‘Thank you,’ she found herself saying. ‘It was… well, kind of you to try to help.’
André nodded. His face was flushed, and his eyes shining. ‘And you are sure you’re OK?’ He lifted his hand and touched her shoulder lightly, his eyes not wavering.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I’m fine.’ She felt herself locked for a moment in his gaze. And just for a second she felt as if she knew him, as if André’s soul was speaking to hers.
She shook herself. It was the wine talking. Yes, André had deep, beautiful eyes but she was deluding herself by reading anything into the look. He barely liked her.
Ahead of them in the street, Lili had turned and was watching. André nodded, said a gruff Pardon, Monsieur to Kevin, then turned and began to walk back to the cafe.
‘What the hell was that about?’ said Kevin, once André was safely out of earshot.
‘I’m not entirely sure.’ She watched André as he reached the cafe, looked up briefly then disappeared inside. ‘I think he was trying to protect me. He thought you were my boyfriend.’
‘Well, you’re right about one thing,’ Kevin said, regaining his equilibrium.
‘What’s that?’
‘They’re really friendly around here.’
Then they were both laughing. And Lili, running towards them, laughed too.
Adeline looked at her brother. ‘I will think about what you said,’ she told him.
And he nodded. The subject closed.