Chapter 36
“I didn’t even know they offered fencing as a class.”
Piper nods, all glowy and smiley after her first fencing lesson. “It counts as phys ed credits. Who knew? And I think it’ll be fun. You know I’ve never been athletic like you.”
“So what, you just wave those pointy swords around?” I slash my arm through the air, attracting the attention of a few people walking our way.
All they do is go back to their conversation.
It’s strange, being able to walk around all free and whatnot, saying and doing pretty much whatever I want without anybody using it to taunt me.
That doesn’t mean I won’t pay attention to the people around me when I do something like that, and they notice—maybe once enough time passes.
Once I get used to nobody caring very much about what I do and just letting me live my life, I won’t be so quick to look around and make sure nobody is making fun.
“I think it’s a little more than that.” She giggles. “And they put something on the end of the foil, by the way. So we don’t end up stabbing each other to death.”
“Ooh, a foil. You already know all the technical terminology.”
“Yeah, I’m a real expert after one class.”
“Well, it’s good to know you won’t end up impaled. And it seems like it’s going to be fun?”
“It really does. How about you? How was your lit class?”
“You know me. Any excuse to read a book is just fine. We’re covering Beloved first. I have to read five chapters before the next class.”
It’s almost too bizarre how normal this feels.
Walking across campus with my best friend, chatting about our classes now that we’ve been through almost the first full week of school.
Finally, I’ve got somebody to talk to, and Piper seems so relieved that I want to be friends that it feels like we’ve done nothing but catch up and laugh since she showed up at our room.
I can almost believe I will live a normal life now.
I can almost believe it’s possible to forget and move on.
After walking around campus these past few days, I know that nobody can look at me and tell what I’ve been through.
I don’t have any reason to be paranoid or ashamed.
I might have a small tattoo on my ass—which nobody can even see—but there’s no tattoo across my forehead saying what I’ve been through. I need to remember that.
“Heads-up!” We barely have time to react before a football sails not very far over our heads.
A tall, athletic guy comes running past at top speed and grabs it at the last second, bobbling it a little on his fingertips before pulling it in close.
Piper does a slow, joking sort of clap, and he touches a finger to the brim of his ball cap before running away.
It’s only when she continues and realizes I’m not with her that she stops and turns around. “You okay?” she asks with a light laugh.
I don’t know. I should be, but I’m not. I can’t move, and my heart is racing. She approaches slowly, glancing around like she wants to make sure nobody is watching us.
“I can’t breathe,” I whisper before struggling to suck in a lung full of air.
“You’re safe. That guy, he’s nobody. Just a guy playing football with his friends. Nobody is going to hurt you. Okay? Remember that. Tell yourself that. You’re safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore.”
Nobody is going to hurt me. I close my eyes and force my way through a few shallow breaths before the tension in my chest loosens and my pulse settles back to a more normal speed.
The world was starting to dwindle to a pinpoint there for a second, and all the color had started to drain out of my surroundings, but now it’s back, just the way it was before.
And now I feel like the biggest idiot. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, not ever. I guess it’s only natural.”
“It’s just that it will probably take me a while to get used to people randomly running at me from out of nowhere.”
“I get it. Like I said, you don’t have to apologize or explain yourself. I’m here. We can get through this.”
I’m so grateful I could cry, but I’ve done so much of that. It’s amazing there’s any moisture left in my body.
That’s going to change with time, too. I have to believe it will.
Piper’s right. I’m safe here—not that I’m going to run around being reckless or anything, but I don’t have to worry about whether everybody around me is going to hurt me somehow.
I hate knowing how James managed to work his way so deep into my head, him and his sons. It isn’t fair.
But they aren’t here. The guys are at MIT by now, living it up. I haven’t heard another word from them since they dropped me off, and my mother hasn’t bothered to reach out to me, either. What a surprise.
That’s for the best, too. Even though it burns me up inside, knowing she believes all those ugly lies about me, that’s just something I’m going to have to accept.
If it means I no longer have to deal with her, so be it.
I’ll make that sacrifice. I know the truth, anyway.
I know I’m not the person James made me out to be.
That needs to be enough. Maybe it’s for the best that I’ve learned to live without her approval.
I’d probably be in much worse shape if that wasn’t the case.
“They still haven’t reached out, have they?” Piper asks as we enter our building.
I shake my head. “You would know if they had. I would have told you.”
“I mean, that’s good, though. They’re moving on and letting you move on.”
“I know. And I know I should be grateful.”
“But…”
We climb the stairs side by side, and suddenly, my heart is much heavier than it was before.
“But I can’t help thinking it’s unfair as hell for them to just go on with their lives like none of this ever happened.
I can’t even walk across campus without getting freaked out because somebody ran too close to me.
But I’m sure they’re living it up, already going to parties and having fun. ”
“I wish they would fry for it. I really do.”
“I know. But still…” We reach the third floor, and I lean against our door while Piper unlocks it. “Is it wrong that I just kind of want to let the whole thing go away? Is that selfish, do you think?”
“I’ve seen what this has done to you. And I’ve heard you while you’re having nightmares.”
I can’t help but cringe. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“It’s not terrible. But you’re obviously going through a lot. I can see why you’d want them to suffer, but I can also see why you would want to let it all go away. That’s totally normal.”
“So I’m not selfish?”
“No. You’re not selfish. You’re doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. That’s not selfish at all.” She drops her backpack on the floor next to her bed before throwing her arms over her head and stretching. “I need a shower. I really worked up a sweat earlier.”
“Please, don’t let me stop you.” I wave a hand around in front of my nose like she smells, and we’re both laughing as she disappears into our shared bathroom.
I’m still mulling things over as I kick off my shoes and pull out Beloved.
I heard a couple of people groan when the professor assigned the first five chapters before our next class, like reading five entire chapters is so tough, but all I could do was smile.
I know it’s nerdy, but I can’t help it. It’s an excuse to curl up with a good book, and I’ve never been able to resist that.
I’m barely a few pages in when my phone vibrates.
I jump at the sensation in my pocket. I forgot the thing was even there; I only carry it around more out of habit than anything else.
I still don’t quite trust it, seeing as how Colt and Nix left it for me.
What if they’re tracking it somehow? I hate how paranoid they’ve made me.
I should ignore it. I really should. After all, only a few people know my number, and I don’t want to speak to any of them. The sooner I completely cut them out of my life and my memory, the better.
But my curiosity is too much to resist. I won’t absorb any of this material, not if I try for the rest of the day unless I at least see who texted and what they have to say. My heart is heavy with dread as I reach into my pocket to pull out the device. The text is from an unknown number.
Unknown: How is school? - Colt
The phone shakes until the words blur. Finally, I have to put it down and clench my hands together, taking deep breaths to work my way through the flash of panic that’s gripped me. It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m safe here. He’s miles and miles away, where he can’t hurt me. None of them can.
What I ought to do is block his number. I need to ignore this message.
It’s the only way to cut him out of my life, right?
If I engage with him, that only opens the door to more of the same bullshit.
I have to be smarter than that, or else there won’t be anybody to blame but myself for the misery that will surely follow.
Then again…
I bite my lip, staring down at the phone like I’m waiting for it to snap at me.
If I can get him talking, I might be able to eventually get some proof.
Maybe not right now since it would look too obvious, but eventually.
If I convince him I can move on and we can talk like two normal people, he might be more likely to open up.
He might spill something he didn’t mean to, something I can use against him—but mostly against his father.
And so, though I don’t want to, I type a message in reply.
Me: It’s pretty good. I was just about to dig into some reading for my lit class. How’s it going there?
Immediately, an ellipsis pops up like he’s replying. I can almost see him sitting with his feet up on his desk or windowsill, or maybe he’s out with new friends. Perhaps he misses having somebody to torment.
Colt: Pretty good. It’s going to take a little bit of getting used to, new people and all that. But the coursework seems like it should be a breeze.
I roll my eyes.
Me: At MIT? Those are some pretty big words.
Colt: Yeah, but how do you think I got in? I know what I’m doing.
Whatever he says. I’m sure his father’s money had a little something to do with the two of them getting in, as well, but I don’t want to think about James, much less mention him.
Colt: Any hot girls there?
He would ask that question. I can’t help but bristle at the way he managed to change the subject so quickly.
Me: I don’t know. I don’t really pay attention to girls, in case you forgot.
Colt: Come on. Even a straight girl knows when another girl is hot.
Me: I’ve sort of been a little too busy getting settled in. And having nightmares, but he doesn’t need to know about those. Nor does he deserve to.
Colt: I didn’t think there’d be so many here. I figured they’d all be nerds. But there are a couple of smoke shows in my classes. I fucked one of them the first night we got here.
Something about that sets my teeth on edge.
I really wish it didn’t. I also really wish I understood why.
What do I care who he fucks? If anything, I feel bad for the girl.
Somebody should warn her about him and his brother.
Somebody should definitely warn her against letting him take her home for a visit over the holidays, for sure.
Then again, what am I saying? He’s not the relationship type, is he?
I’m sure he wouldn’t even recognize the girl if he walked past her this very minute.
Whoever she is. Why do I even care?
I don’t know what to say, and I know he’s waiting for an answer. What, do I congratulate him? Extend my sympathies toward the poor girl, whoever she is? All he’s going to do is keep taking me farther down this road, and I have no desire to go in that direction with him. Not ever again.
So instead of playing along, I do the only other thing I can if I want to save face and get rid of the burning lump of betrayal his message lodged in my throat. I turn the phone off and toss it onto my desk before returning to my reading.
Though something tells me it’s going to take a long time to plow through these chapters now that I have so much on my mind.