Chapter 17 #2
I don’t know who’s touching me anymore, who is inside me, I only know it feels right. Somehow, it feels right, because now it’s what I want. I don’t have to follow anybody else’s orders anymore. No one is going to tell me how to do this or where or with whom. I make the choices.
And even if I submit to them, it’s my choice to submit.
My soul is singing, soaring high, by the time Nix speeds up, not just fucking anymore but rutting like an animal, and his animal grunts push me over the edge again. I’m still coming when he pulls out and rolls me onto my back.
Then he and Colt fuck their fists for those last breathless, furious seconds before spilling cum across my pussy and inner thighs, painting my skin until I’m a coated, dripping mess.
“Fuck, yeah,” Nix whispers, his head falling back as he pants. Colt gets up and goes to the bathroom, bringing back a warm washcloth, which he uses to gently clean me up while I lie back and catch my breath.
The only word that comes to mind is fulfilled. I can’t believe how ridiculously fulfilling that was. It reached a part of me I didn’t know existed, and I can’t help wondering when we’ll be able to do it again. There was more to it than my body reacting to a little friction. It felt… freeing.
At least until my head clears and reality leaks in.
“As much as I’d love to lie around and recover, we have to get moving soon.” Colt scrubs a hand over his head, heading for the bathroom again. “I’m gonna take a shower. I won’t be long.”
Right. The bodies. I can’t forget what happened last night. I can’t ignore it. I can only try to make sense of it as I sit up and swing my legs over the bed, avoiding Nix’s gaze as I cross the room on shaky legs and grab my bathrobe from the back of my closet door.
This is too awkward. The man was just inside me, and I can’t bring myself to look at him before I go to the kitchen. When he joins me, he’s wearing a pair of Colt’s sweatpants. Now that I’m in here, I can’t remember why. My head is all mixed up.
“You know, you can look at me. You don’t have to be embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed,” I insist. Okay, I am a little bit. But there’s so much more than that. I can’t find the words.
“Hey. It’s understandable if you have a lot of shit you need to process.” When he approaches me, I take a backward step without thinking about it. Pain touches his eyes, stopping him in his tracks.
“There’s something I need you to understand.
” Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m saying this for me or for him.
All I know is that it needs to be said. “Don’t get this twisted.
What happened just now doesn’t erase everything else.
Neither does you rescuing me. I’m grateful,” I add, because I’m not completely heartless.
The old Nix would’ve laughed that off, I think.
He at least would have pretended to think it was funny for me to act like I have any say in my own life.
But he’s changed, and not just physically.
Nodding, he replies, “I’m not asking for your gratitude.
I did it for you, but I did it for me, too. And for Colt.”
“Anyway, there’s still too much unresolved.” Wow, I’m really doing well with this, aren’t I? I can’t find the words to express what’s swirling around in my head and heart. “I can’t just forgive you out of nowhere. The good things you’ve done… they don’t outweigh the other things.”
Every part of me wants to shut down, to run away from what I’ve just started. Every word, every heartbeat that accompanies them, brings up another ugly memory of being powerless, used by James and his sons like I wasn’t even human.
And no matter how good things were back in the bedroom, no matter what Nix did to save me last night, I can’t forget the glee that was on his face more than once.
How happy he was to use me, whether he was forced to or not.
He might have felt like he had no choice, but he didn’t have to like it as much as he did.
And then there’s what he did to me in the alley. Nobody was forcing him then. “You hurt me—here,” I wave my hand indicating the apartment, and in that alley. I’m not just going to let that go. You don’t get off that easy.”
At least he’s decent enough not to argue. He doesn’t make a big deal about blaming himself, either. If anything, it would be worse to have him beat himself up just to play on my sympathy. He’s done a lot of things I can’t agree with, things I’ve hated him for, but he’s not manipulative like that.
Not that it makes him a good person or even someone I should be sharing this apartment with. At the same time, I can’t deny how good it felt to be with him and Colt together. Feeling pleasure without hating myself for it.
I’ve never stood a chance against these two. There is something about them that will always mix me up inside and make me question who I really am. What is this power they have over me?
“I understand. I’ll keep my distance if you need it,” he offers. “But Colt is probably going to have other opinions about that. He wants me to stay.”
This is all so overwhelming and much too confusing.
“I think it would be for the best if you did stay here,” I admit, because it’s the truth, even if it makes things complicated.
“It’ll make him a lot happier, and it will be a relief to know you’re safe.
But that’s as far as it goes,” I remind him.
It’s not easy to stand up for myself like this, but it’s something I want to get better at.
“It’s going to take time to trust you after everything. ”
His shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath before he nods again. “I get it, and I respect it. Thanks for being honest with me—I never could stand a passive-aggressive girl.”
Taking one last look at his scarred face, I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling chilly.
“I’m going to get in the shower now.” Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take at once.
How am I supposed to look into the face of the person who killed my mom and tell him I want him to be part of my life?
At the same time, how am I supposed to feel otherwise? Because he is part of my life—a messed-up, twisted, complicated part—but I can’t deny our connection, just like I can’t deny wanting Colt to be happy. That means being with his brother.
And for me, being happy means being with Colt.
Will I ever win?