Chapter Seven
Xavi
Fuck, if he’d hated himself last night, he loathed himself in the unforgiving light of day.
Like, literally fucking loathed himself.
What the hell was wrong with him, shutting down like that, blaming Lulu for that asshole’s behavior?
He’d just lost it, but that was no excuse.
Lulu was the victim, and he, Lulu’s so-called best friend, had blamed him.
And the way he’d spoken to Lulu, with such harshness…
yeah, that had been uncalled for. Shit, he was like one of those parents who yelled at a poor kid when they did something careless.
Because that was it, wasn’t it? Lulu was careless for the most part, but that could never justify this creep stalking him like that.
Xavi had been scared shitless, and he’d lashed out. At Lulu. Shit.
Lulu had left before Xavi got up this morning to go to work.
A lonely, used coffee cup and a note next to it were the only testament that Lulu had even been there.
No usual mess on the counter, spilled yogurt or cereal crunching underneath his feet on the linoleum floor.
No wet, used towel hanging from his favorite chair, with residual water seeping into the fabric.
It was unnerving, but Xavi couldn’t help but feel he deserved Lulu’s silent treatment after last night.
Lulu had even slept on the pull-out, even though Xavi had expected him to sneak into his bedroom and hog his bed.
‘You’re almost out of coffee,’ the note read. ‘I’ll pick something up.’ No doodled hearts or kissy faces like Lulu would usually put on a note. No affectionate osito or mano. Yeah, Lulu was fucking hurt.
Luckily, Xavi was meeting up with Joe after work to pick up his and Noah’s tuxes and the suits for the best men.
Noah’s tux had gone through three fittings because the dude kept bulking up at the gym, although Joe had told him, in front of everyone at the tailor’s, of course, that he was big enough in all the places that mattered.
The fuck? Yeah, Joe had no filter, and that was exactly why he was Xavi’s go-to guy whenever something was bothering him.
He needed some sound advice before he managed to fuck up his entire life.
And Joe gave out good advice like candy on Halloween, always happy to offer his opinion on something.
And of course, the brutal truth too, so Xavi had better brace himself.
“So, what’s up, mano?” Joe looked at him through the mirror, where he was adjusting the midnight-blue bowtie.
The crisp white shirt looked amazing against Joe’s olive skin, and the equally midnight-blue tux was perfectly fitted around his lean body.
Noah was going to flip out, probably cry too, which would then set off Joe and the rest of the wedding party.
It still amazed Xavi how the then closed-off closeted firefighter had gone from hardly speaking a word in public to now carrying every emotion on his sleeve, with his all-consuming love for Joe at the forefront.
Xavi wanted a love like that; he longed for it with every fiber of his body, and that was exactly why he had to let go of this ridiculous idea that it could one day be he and Lulu trying on tuxes for their wedding.
“I fucked up.”
“You fucked up?” Joe frowned, then turned around and looked directly at Xavi, a growing tenderness in his eyes. “What happened?”
Xavi shrugged, because what had actually happened last night? It was hard to put into exact words, so he decided to go with the short version.
“We were at the theater when Lulu’s stalker showed up, and he was a real creep.”
“And?” Joe motioned with his hand when Xavi made no indication of going on.
“And he came on to Lulu. Hard.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. I kinda lost it.” Xavi rubbed his hands across his face, digging his thumbs into his eyes.
“I don’t know, hermano. I just freaked out, you know, and I ended up threatening the guy.
” Fuck, it was all coming back to him; the white-hot anger running through his veins, the overwhelming need to just protect, protect, protect Lulu, preferably throwing Lulu over his shoulder, and running away with him for good, just the two of them.
Shit, in a few days it would be just the two of them, and Xavi needed to rein in his feelings and pronto.
“You threatened him?” Joe smiled crookedly. “There’s not a warrant for your arrest right now, is there? ’Cause I might not be on the clock but…”
Xavi shook his head, smiling weakly. “Nah, it’s nothing like that. It didn’t go that far, but let’s just say I don’t think that cabrón will come anywhere near Lulu again.”
“Good. So, what’s the problem?” Joe stepped closer, crossing his arms in front of his chest in true interrogation style.
“I kinda lost it on Lulu too,” Xavi mumbled into his hands, the shame from last night returning full force, making his stomach churn.
“Okay?” Joe had reached him now and sat down next to Xavi on a small, cushioned bench in the fitting rooms.
“Yeah,” Xavi whispered as he looked up, his eyes connecting with Joe’s. “I kinda made it sound like it was his fault.”
Joe nodded, then licked his lips. “Was it?”
“Fuck no! How can you even say that?” Xavi’s entire body tensed, the need, the urge, to defend Lulu overwhelming him.
And then the shame returned. “It wasn’t his fault.
But fuck, hermano, I let him believe it was.
” Tears of anger suddenly pressed behind his eyes, threatening to spill.
Last night was still so vivid in his memory, the emotions so raw, like he was still living through the aftermath of what had happened.
It took a lot to shake Xavi, but last night did, and so had his own reaction most of all.
He’d lost control of himself, and he rarely did.
“You were angry. You’re allowed to get angry, you know. Even at him.” Joe reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “It’s not the end of the world, you know. He’ll come around.”
“I was scared,” Xavi admitted.
“I know.” Joe chuckled. “And you’re allowed to be. It’s hardly the first time our boy has gotten himself into trouble, and it sure as shit won’t be the last.”
“It wasn’t his fault.” He leaned into Joe’s touch, needing the physical reassurance from his friend. Joe always exuded such calm strength. Even when he and Noah had gone through their own version of hell, Joe had been unwavering in his belief in them, in their love.
“I know, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t—aren’t—right to feel how you feel.” Joe paused, but Xavi could tell his friend was building up to his famous words of wisdom. Xavi just didn’t know if he was ready to hear them. Regardless, Joe let out a long exhale.
“The two of you’ve been headed this way for a while now. We’ve all been able to see it. Like watching a car crash from afar in slow motion.” For a split second, Xavi felt like objecting, like defending himself, but he knew Joe was right.
“Go on,” he rasped, digging his fingers into the seat beneath him.
“You keep waiting and waiting for him to wake up and see you the way you want him to see you. As more than a friend. But, mano, you can’t keep waiting for that. He’s fucking oblivious when it comes to the two of you. You gotta be selfish for once.”
He knew Joe was right, but the words hurt nonetheless, digging into the very core of who Xavi was as a person.
Xavi had been his best friend’s protector since the day they’d met, Lulu’s keeper.
Since he first saw that faded purple bruise underneath Lulu’s eye in detention, and the way Lulu had cowered when Ms. Hatcher had threatened to call Lulu’s father.
From that day forward, Xavi’s life didn’t belong to himself anymore.
Not really. Everything he did, he did for Lulu. To keep Lulu safe.
“So what are you saying?” He turned his head, looking at Joe. Joe sighed, that familiar determination lingering in his caramel-colored eyes that Xavi both admired and dreaded at the same time.
“Okay, so here’s how I see it. You can either let go of the idea of the two of you being together once and for all, or you can do something about it and tell him how you feel. But you can’t keep this up. It’ll eventually be the end of your friendship, and you don’t want that.”
Xavi nodded. He knew Joe was right. He hated that he was. The truth pricked at him like tiny needles, threatening to burst his long dream of Lulu one day falling for him like he’d fallen for Lulu ages ago.
“I can’t tell him,” Xavi admitted, baring his heart, but Joe just smiled sympathetically like that was the reply he’d expected.
“Okay. Then you gotta walk away, mano. As much as it’ll hurt, you gotta.”
Xavi’s chest tightened as Joe’s words echoed inside his heart, and suddenly it felt like there was not enough air in the room for him to breathe.
Walk away. Walk away. The thought of walking away from Lulu felt like dying a slow and torturous death, like having pieces of himself chopped away bit by bit until there was nothing left but a pile of naked bones. Walk away. “But—”
Joe held up his hand. “I’m not saying for good, but for a while.”
“I can’t walk away,” Xavi rasped. “Joe, you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand. More than you know. You deserve to be happy, Xavi. You deserve to find love in this life, and you won’t do that unless you let him go.”
“You didn’t walk away from Noah.”
“It’s not the same,” Joe said softly, patient as always. “You know it’s not the same.”
Xavi nodded. He knew it wasn’t the same. It was never a question of Joe and Noah not loving each other or wanting to be together. It was Noah’s pain that had caused the rift between them. It hadn’t been Joe that Noah had tried to run from; it was his past, his trauma.