Chapter Thirteen
Xavi
Asurprised gasp escaped Lulu’s lips as disbelief moved through his eyes. Xavi had no idea how they’d ended up here, but if he was being honest, he’d reached the end of his rope, unwilling to go back even if he could. This conversation was long overdue.
Lulu licked his lips, then moved to stand between Xavi’s thighs.
His hands moved to Xavi’s neck, tilting his head, their gazes colliding, as Lulu’s almond eyes bored into his, leaving him feeling naked and exposed.
Fuck, that kiss. He wanted to do it again.
And again. He wanted to kiss Lulu until he lost all sensation in his lips, until Lulu’s taste exploded on his tongue, erasing all other tastes.
Until there was only Lulu all around him, inside him, engulfing him.
Lulu’s thumbs brushed against his jawline, an unprecedented tenderness in his eyes. “As I see it, we can go on pretending we aren’t more than just friends, and that there isn’t something between us that’s been building over the years, or we can open our eyes and be honest.”
Honest. Shit, Lulu had no idea what he was asking.
Did he really want Xavi’s honesty? Was he even ready for it?
Would he ever be? Was he ready to hear about Xavi’s obsession with him?
How every waking hour, minute, second was consumed by thoughts of Lulu and how Xavi, even in his sleep, rarely got a reprieve from longing, lusting after his best friend?
How he woke up panting, sweat beading off his chest, his spent cock in hand, cum splayed across his abdomen with Lulu’s name, the name he’d given him but had never spoken out loud, on his lips. Cisne.
“Open our eyes,” Xavi repeated, tasting the words.
“Yes.” Lulu nodded. “It’s just you and me for the next four days. What if we just…” Lulu trailed off, his eyes flickering nervously.
“What if we just what?”
“Well…” Lulu smiled, suddenly all shy, nervous. “We’ve already proven that we… fit.” He swallowed, a crimson blush creeping across his cheeks.
Fit. Yeah, they fit all right. Xavi had always known they would. It had never been a question of that. If only.
“Give me four days,” Lulu said, his voice suddenly steady, devoid of any kind of nervousness or doubt.
“Four days?”
“Yes. Four days where we’re together. In every and all the ways we want to be. No rules, no limits, just whatever feels right.” Hope gleamed in Lulu’s eyes as his thumbs continued caressing Xavi’s jaw.
Whatever feels right. When had Xavi ever done what felt right?
Not just when it came to Lulu, but to most things in life.
Since that dreadful night, he’d walked the straight and narrow, every part of his life neatly compartmentalized because what if…
? What if he strayed off the course he’d set for himself?
What would—what could—happen then? Would his entire world go up in flames again?
It could happen again, couldn’t it? As long as you had something you loved, you could potentially lose it, couldn’t you?
Abe, his mami, his tias. Joe. Lulu. Oh God, Lulu.
Shaking his head, Xavi laughed, “You’re ridiculous.”
“Maybe I am, but what’s the alternative? We can’t continue like this. Something’s gotta give.”
He knew Lulu was right. Of course, he did.
If that night at the theater with that creep stalker had proven anything, it was that something had to give.
It didn’t mean Xavi wasn’t scared shitless, though.
He was. His friendship with Lulu and Joe was the one thing constant and solid in his life.
If he didn’t have that… The thought alone made it hard to fucking breathe.
“So what are you saying?” Xavi rasped.
“Give me four days to prove to you that there’s more here. That we… that we could be fucking magic together, oso.” Lulu’s voice was breathy, his fingers digging deeper into Xavi’s skin.
“Jesus Christ. If this is just about sex…” Xavi attempted to get up from the bed, but Lulu pushed back, moving closer between Xavi’s legs.
“It’s not!”
“Then what is it if not a fucking terrible lapse in judgment?” Or insanity.
“Call it a trial period, if you want. Just… let go of all your preconceived notions of what we are to each other and what you’ve convinced yourself we can never be.”
“I haven’t co—” Xavi went to object, but Lulu raised a brow at him challengingly.
“Haven’t you? Haven’t we both?”
Xavi slumped his shoulders. Perhaps they had.
“Look. Just give us four days to explore this thing between us. Just give us a chance. Please. What’ve you got to lose?”
Everything Xavi wanted to say, to scream. Fucking everything. But just like always, Lulu saw right through him, just as tuned into Xavi as he was to Lulu, their hearts beating to the same invisible drum, their souls so intertwined that most days Xavi could barely feel where he ended and Lulu began.
“You’ll never lose me, mano. Not ever. You’re my brother, my best friend, my sanity.” Lulu leaned down, resting his forehead against Xavi’s, his skin burning against his. “Be brave with me, oso. We have everything to gain. Nothing to lose.”
Brave. Oh, how he longed to be fucking brave; Lulu had no fucking idea. Swallowing, Xavi inhaled deeply, willing his heart not to burst from his chest through the next part.
“So… if we do this? What happens when we get to Portland?”
Lulu opened his eyes, easing away slightly, his hands still cradling Xavi’s face gently.
“We either get there as boyfriends—real fucking boyfriends—or we go back to being friends. Only real fucking friends, mano, and not this weird fucking gray area, this strange in between.” There was a fierceness in Lulu’s voice.
Conviction and maturity, too. No teasing undertone.
No wavering. Xavi knew it was an illusion, of course.
Too good to be true. It would—could—never work.
They could never work. At the same time, he also had to be real and admit that he wanted it so much.
He wanted Lulu so much he could hardly contain it any longer.
“Four days?” Xavi whispered.
Lulu nodded.
“A trial period?”
“Yeah, if you wanna call it that.”
“That’s what you called it.”
“Yeah.”
“Where we’re… together?”
“Yes,” Lulu sighed, his long eyelashes fluttering.
“And that’s it? Four days, no strings attached, no expectations, and in Portland we just…”
“If you want,” Lulu said softly. “But just so you know, oso, I’ll have fucking expectations. Because I know I’m right about this. About us.”
Shit, who was this fucking version of Lulu? So sure and so… so settled in who he was suddenly. It left Xavi in awe, fucking speechless.
“Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves, to each other, to figure this out once and for all?” Tenderness pooled in Lulu’s eyes, and Xavi’s chest squeezed with longing.
He did. He did think that. It didn’t make it any less scary or fucking terrifying.
“What’s the catch?”
“No catch.” Lulu pursed his lips. “Just endless possibilities.”
“Okay.” Xavi nodded, his body relaxing instantly.
The truth was, he wanted it so badly. Fuck, he wanted it.
Even if it meant that they’d crash and burn, he still wanted it.
He’d already burned once and walked away alive.
What were a few more scars and burns to a body that was already marred in too many places to count?
“Yeah?” Lulu blurted, disbelief coating his voice.
“Yeah, whatever you want, mano.” Fuuuck.
A spark moved through Lulu’s eyes, lighting him up from the inside out, as the broadest smile ever took over his beautiful face.
“OhEmGee!” he squealed, bouncing up and down, then stumbling into Xavi, causing both of them to fall back onto the bed, Xavi landing on his back with a laughing Lulu on top of him.
“I’m gonna be the best novio you’ve ever had!
” Lulu’s nose brushed up against Xavi’s, and he wanted nothing more than to close the gap between them and just fucking devour Lulu’s lips.
“Trial boyfriends,” Xavi groaned. “Cono, mano, you’re fucking heavy.” He pretended to struggle under Lulu’s weight, trying to push Lulu off him, but his heart wasn’t in it. He already felt himself resigning, giving in to this, whatever it was.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Trial boyfriends.” Lulu giggled, snuggling up against Xavi, burying his face against Xavi’s neck, and it just felt so fucking good to finally allow himself to be close to Lulu like this.
Xavi melted into the mattress, just savoring the feel of Lulu on top of him, all around him, and before he knew it, he lifted his arms, snaking them around Lulu, clasping them around his waist in a firm embrace.
Lulu sighed into him, his breath coming out in hot little puffs against Xavi’s skin, every cell becoming alive with sensation.
“So, what’s next?” Xavi yawned, building exhaustion pulling at him.
“We sleep.” Lulu snuggled up even closer.
“I can’t fucking sleep like this.”
Lulu snorted against his shoulder, then slid down from Xavi’s body.
“Okay, you can spoon me, but no funny business, oso.” Lulu reached for Xavi’s hand, tangling his fingers through Xavi’s, brushing his thumb along Xavi’s broken hand.
“And tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow I kiss my trial novio good morning, feed him breakfast, and then we take it from there.”
“By breakfast, I sure hope you mean actual breakfast,” Xavi slurred.
“Cono, hermano, what do you take me for? We only just kissed. I’m not a hussy.”
“That wasn’t a kiss,” Xavi grunted, wrapping his arm around Lulu, tugging him closer against his side, and for a moment it sounded like Lulu whimpered—fucking whimpered—against him.
“Of course it was a kiss. I was there, remember?”
“Oh, that?” Xavi huffed. “You call that kissing? That wasn’t kissing.
It was a mere exchange of saliva.” Xavi was such a fucking liar.
It was the best kiss of his miserable fucking life.
“It was just tongues tangling. The pressure of lips against lips.” Fuck, now he wanted to do it again.
Steal all breath from Lulu’s lungs, until he was a panting, gasping mess beneath him.
Then suddenly he felt it. A subtle whisper of bravery.
A newfound force within gave Xavi the courage to speak the next part.
“When you’ve been kissed by me, cisne, I mean really fucking kissed, you won’t be able to stand on your feet, or feel your lips, or even remember your own fucking name.
” Xavi had no idea where this version of him had surfaced from, but he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself even if he’d wanted to.
“Cisne?!” Lulu gasped.
Fuck. Out of everything he’d just said, Lulu’s brain had, of course, locked on to that secret name, like a shark smelling blood from miles away.
“Lul—”
“I fucking knew it!” Lulu sat up, his eyes burning brightly in the frail light from the streetlights seeping through the window. Reaching for Xavi’s wrist, he brushed his fingers possessively against the small swan tattoo. “I fucking knew it,” he whispered.
“It’s from a book.”
“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.”
“It is.”
“Liar.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Maybe I am,” Lulu sighed, as he lay down next to Xavi, resting his head against Xavi’s chest, just above Xavi’s delusional, lying heart.
“But I’m also a fucking genius.” He yawned, his fingers slipping underneath Xavi’s T-shirt, trailing along the waistline of his jeans.
“Now sleep, oso. Tomorrow you can read that poem to me.”
“It’s not a poem.”
“Como?”
“It’s a novel, actually.” Xavi had no idea why he suddenly felt the need to admit that to Lulu.
Maybe it was just the sum of everything that had happened today.
It felt like they’d been on the road for days, weeks, even, with how much Xavi’s life had been rocked off its foundation.
A foundation he’d assumed was solid and unshakable. Perhaps today had just left him raw.
“You’re writing a book about me, oso?” Lulu’s voice was teasing, his fingers burrowing into Xavi’s stomach.
“It’s not about you.”
“Right,” Lulu snorted. “It’s about him. My mistake.”
“Goodnight, Lulu.”
“Goodnight, mano.”