Chapter Twenty-Two
Lulu
They ended up trailing down snow-covered paths in the forest for the rest of the morning.
It was still snowing, but the blizzard had lost its force, and it was now a more subtle kind of snow.
The landscape surrounding Hayley’s Peak was spectacular and pristine, like it’d been taken out of one of those Hallmark holiday movies.
More than once, Lulu felt a strange pull in his chest as he walked a few feet behind Xavi.
Like he wanted to stop time, just press pause, and stay locked in this bubble of peace with Xavi, where they were just together, the two of them.
As much as he loved the city, there was something to be said about rural America, too.
The tranquility allowed your body to rest in an unfamiliar way, and it was like your head allowed thoughts to enter that were different, too.
“You ever thought about moving out of the city? Like Joe and Noah?” With me, Lulu wanted to add, but something held him back.
It was one thing to call Xavi lover or amor in the throes of passion as they clung to each other in a darkened room, but here, in the unforgiving light of day, it was different.
He could joke about it, sure, when he called Xavi his boyfriend teasingly, but to say it, how he really wanted to say it, was hard.
It was hard not to joke about everything when you were a joker.
When you’d taught yourself to be a joker and to laugh at life because the alternative was to just stare into that bottomless, jet-black pit and lose yourself in the darkness.
From a psychological viewpoint, it probably wasn’t healthy not to deal with the past, to repress it.
But it wasn’t exactly like Lulu was in denial; he just chose not to dwell on what had happened and what he’d suffered at his father’s hands.
It was his choice, a conscious choice, not to think about his mother, and about why she’d left and where she’d gone and if she was still alive.
And if she was, did she ever think of the two little boys, her boys, she’d left behind in Buffalo?
Thoughts like those were dangerous because they made you long for something that was long gone. Something you’d lost for good.
He realized Xavi probably hadn’t heard him, too engulfed in his own thoughts. With the risk of slipping on the snow, Lulu jogged up to Xavi, and when he reached him, he grabbed Xavi’s arm, bringing him to a stop, then spun him around.
“What?” Xavi chuckled, his eyes spilling over with warmth, a few snowflakes clinging to his lashes.
Lulu sucked in a breath. Fuck, he was so beautiful.
“What, baby?” Xavi asked again, then reached out his hand and dusted some snow from Lulu’s shoulder.
“If you think any harder, you’re gonna cause an avalanche.
” Xavi frowned, his breath coming out in small white puffs.
Releasing his hand from Lulu’s shoulder, he moved it to his face instead, where he then rubbed his thumb between Lulu’s eyebrows, as if to smooth out the line which had formed.
“What’s wrong, cisne?” Xavi’s voice was unusually tender.
“You can tell me.” You can tell me. Lulu wasn’t sure he could.
Or that he was ready to hear Xavi’s reply.
So, instead of repeating his question, he asked something else, something which felt a little safer, even though it probably wasn’t.
“Do you think my mother is still alive somewhere?”
Xavi continued to rub between Lulu’s brows, but something shifted in his posture, and his eyes widened just slightly.
“What makes you ask that?”
“It’s just something that’s been on my mind since we left.
” It was strange because just as Lulu spoke the words, he realized it was true.
“You know, driving through the country, not knowing if she’s out there somewhere, living her life.
Fuck, for all I know, I could stand next to her in a line at a gas station and not know.
I’d never know, oso.” Sadness suddenly built in his chest. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like something was missing.
Not her exactly, but something. Closure, perhaps.
“Yeah, I can see that.” A sad smile formed at the corner of Xavi’s mouth. “You ever thought about looking for her?”
“No. I mean, not really.”
“You could, you know? I’d help you. You know that, right?”
He knew. Of course, he knew.
“Are you scared of what you’d find if you found her?” As always, Xavi seemed to know exactly what was in Lulu’s heart.
“Yeah. That’s exactly it. I mean, if I never find out what happened to her, I can, at least in my mind, give her the kind of life I want her to have, you know?”
“Like what?”
“Like a good life.” Xavi’s hand trailed down his face, stroking past his cheek, then came to cradle his chin.
“I hope she has a good life, you know? Like me and Manu. We have a good life, don’t you think?
” He saw Xavi nodding through a curtain of tears, and Lulu realized he was crying.
He didn’t know when he’d started, but he was.
“You do. You’ve made a good life for yourself, mano. She’d be proud of you.”
“You think?”
“Of course. What kind of mother wouldn’t be?”
Lulu didn’t know. He didn’t know his mother anymore, so he couldn’t know if she’d be proud of him or not. If she were that type of mother.
“I hope she’s clean,” Lulu admitted. “Wherever she is, I hope she’s turned her life around.”
“I hope so too.” Xavi continued to brush his thumb along Lulu’s chin as a subtle reminder that he was there, that he would always be there, and Lulu realized it was true.
If not as lovers, then as friends. Xavi would always be his friend.
“I think she thought she’d make things better by leaving you and Manu. That you were better off without her.”
“Yeah, I think so too.” He did. He didn’t resent his mother for leaving; he never had.
He realized she’d probably hoped they’d be better off without her, and that her act wasn’t a selfish one, but a desperate one, but she had, in fact, made it worse by leaving.
A lot worse. “Maybe… maybe someday I’ll look her up.
” He didn’t say it to appease Xavi. He said it because he meant it.
For the first time in his life, Lulu meant it.
“Who knows, maybe I have other siblings or a nice stepdaddy?” He winked at Xavi, who just shook his head in return, a warmth pooling in his beautifully dark eyes which spread to Lulu’s body.
Suddenly, his skin tingled and burned where Xavi was touching it.
Thinking about his mother had left Lulu raw and exposed, and he needed to feel safe again, sheltered, and only one person in this entire world could give him that.
Leaning in, he brushed his lips against Xavi’s earlobe, which stuck out from under his woolen hat.
“Take me back to our little shelter, oso. Strip me bare and do those things to me with your mouth, your hands, your tongue that you do so well.” Xavi’s pulse throbbed against his tongue, and Lulu felt his arousal like a small buzz against his lips.
“Make me come undone, oso. Make me forget everything.” Make me forget I was once unwanted.
Xavi swallowed audibly, then a small growl tore from his lips as he smashed his mouth against Lulu’s.
Once again, Lulu’s world righted itself, as the painful memories of his mother faded back into the past where they belonged.
Letting go, surrendering to Xavi’s hard, demanding kiss, Lulu focused on the only thing that mattered, that would ever matter: how right it felt, how right he felt, when he was in Xavi’s arms, their mouths locked together, their bodies surging toward each other with uninhibited desire.
Lulu’s fingers teased the hem of Xavi’s T-shirt, just barely grazing the naked patch of skin above the waistline of Xavi’s jeans. He felt his lover tremble beneath him, and he could tell Xavi was holding his breath.
“I want to touch you.” He rubbed his thumb across the button in Xavi’s jeans.
“Lulu…” Xavi’s voice came out clipped, his chest broad and tense underneath his T-shirt.
“Please, oso. Please let me touch you.” Lulu moved his hand upward, letting his fingers dive underneath the T-shirt, brushing along the fine hair covering Xavi’s stomach.
His muscles were bulky and not carved out of granite like some guys, and Lulu’s mouth watered at the thought of how Xavi’s stomach would feel against his tongue, how he would taste. “It’s only me.”
Xavi’s body tensed, and a hand wrapped around Lulu’s wrist, bringing his hand back on top of the T-shirt.
“I can’t.” Xavi stared out in front of him, his thick lips nothing but a grim line through his face, his eyes swimming with sadness.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, cisne, it’s just…
” Xavi winced as he tangled his fingers through Lulu’s, squeezing them carefully.
“It’s one thing with a broken hand. But, Lulu, you have no idea…
” Fuck, the brokenness in Xavi’s voice was almost unbearable.
The way he saw himself, spoke about himself, when all Lulu had ever seen was beauty.
And kindness. And someone who was so indisputably everything Lulu had ever longed for. If only there were a way…
“I’ll close my eyes.”
Xavi froze under him.
“Don’t you trust me, mano?”
“Of course, I trust you. It’s not a matter of trusting you. I trust you with my life, mano. It’s just…”
“Close your eyes, then. I’ll close mine, too.”
Xavi regarded him doubtfully, and then an idea hit Lulu out of nowhere. What if he could make Xavi feel safe while still being able to touch him?
“Blindfold me,” he blurted.
“Huh?”
“Blindfold me.”
“Blindfold you?” There was an incredulous edge in Xavi’s voice.
“Yes. Then you won’t have to worry that I’ll open my eyes.”
“I don’t think—”