Chapter Twenty-Four
Lulu
They made love again the next morning, whispering their breathy te amos back to each other while Xavi moved inside him, claiming a part of Lulu that had been his all along.
Although he could tell Xavi was self-conscious under the unforgiving light of day, once again aware of his scars, he still allowed Lulu to kiss him, touch him, lick him all over, eventually accepting Lulu’s reassurances that he was beautiful.
Because he was. Magnificent, really, with his sepia-colored skin taking on nuances of reddish brown in the sunlight seeping through the thin linen curtains.
His muscles rippled with intent when he fucked into Lulu, their eyes still locked onto each other, Lulu feeling exposed and cherished under Xavi’s intense dark gaze.
It was quiet outside, the noise from the occasional snowplow passing in the street the only sound interrupting their muffled moans and shy whispers.
Lulu felt reborn, new and fresh, like making love to Xavi had truly rid him of the past, making him feel like it was the first time all over again.
If only his real first time and all the times following over the years had been just as special as this.
Then again, how could they be, when they were not with Xavi, his one true love?
Being with Xavi in such an intimate way was incomparable to anything else Lulu had ever experienced.
Like his body was designed by some divine power with one purpose and one purpose only: to be loved by this special man, by Xavi.
Whenever Xavi came, he stared down at Lulu in pained disbelief, a puzzled frown between his finger-thick brows, sweat dripping from his face onto Lulu’s skin, the drops like a cleansing shower of fresh spring rain.
Then Xavi’s face would transform right in front of him, every muscle relaxing as his features softened, before he laughed, again and again, in that deep, almost earthy tone of his, like he, too, could hardly believe this was happening.
In between their lovemaking, they talked, their voices hushed like they were afraid the outside world would hear them and burst their bubble of happiness.
They avoided the topic of what would happen when they reached Oregon or when they returned home, like there was an unspoken consensus between them that they were not ready to talk about that yet.
They spoke about mundane things, such as whether they should skip breakfast at the diner or grab some and take it back to their room.
They couldn’t stop touching, kissing, drinking each other in.
They spoke about the past, too—the time when they hadn’t known each other.
Lulu asked careful questions about the fire, and Xavi told him everything.
The reason his fingers were missing? Because he’d clung to his father, even when the kind firefighter had urged him to let go and that it was ‘Okay, son, you can let go now,’ although six-year-old Xavi knew nothing would ever be okay again.
The feel of the firefighter’s strong hold around him as he carried him out of the fire and into a new reality where everything hurt both inside and out.
How Xavi had always wanted to find out who that firefighter was, but he’d been too afraid to revisit that night.
Lulu told him his own secret truths, too.
About how strange, and at times shameful, it was that he didn’t hate his parents, although for a while he had tried really damn hard to.
But no matter how hard Lulu tried to channel all his energy into resenting his parents, he couldn’t bring himself to hate two people who had obviously wasted their lives on drugs and not only destroyed their own lives but also nearly their children’s in the process.
Xavi had nodded at that, and then his eyes had filled with tears when Lulu had told him how Xavi and Joe, but mostly Xavi, had been Lulu’s one true constant in a world filled with pain and chaos.
How he couldn’t remember when his infatuation with Xavi had turned into a crush and when an innocent crush had become love, all-consuming and more real than anything Lulu had ever felt.
They talked in a way they’d never talked before, unhurried, the new awareness that they’d stepped over this monumental threshold together giving them a newfound peace.
Lulu saw it in Xavi’s eyes, too, the very same sense of tranquility which had settled inside his own heart and now occupied every limb of his body.
Hanging on to every word the other uttered, they paid attention to every little nuance and detail, like every word carried a deeper meaning they couldn’t afford to miss.
Xavi had repeated more than once what he’d told Lulu a few days earlier: that Lulu seemed different, and there were so many dimensions to Lulu that he’d never seen before.
Like looking into one of those kaleidoscopes that changed before your eyes.
Or like looking through a piece of aquamarine sea glass on a summer day, and suddenly the world was more colorful and vibrant.
Lulu laughed at that because, yes, he was different; he felt different, because he now existed in a world where he was loved by Xavi.
Xavi laughed at that too, a hint of sadness in his eyes, when he said that Lulu had always existed in a world where Xavi loved him.
Lulu blushed—he felt it like fire on his cheeks—then averted his gaze, suddenly shy as he whispered, “You know what I mean.” Xavi had blushed then, too, his dark eyes spilling over with melancholia, because yes, he obviously knew what Lulu meant.
It was different now that they both knew how the other felt.
They remained naked, the thick quilted comforter in various colors of greens that Lulu suspected was handmade, perhaps by Tilly or one of her ancestors, draped over their bodies.
“You took me by storm, you know that, right?” Xavi eventually asked, his voice thick with emotion.
“I know.” Lulu smiled. “I think it was the only way I could have you. If I’d come at you all subtle and careful, you wouldn’t have believed me.”
“I’m still not sure I believe you.”
“You will. In time, you will, oso. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes, too.” Xavi’s gaze was fierce, dark, but then a shadow moved across his face.
“What is it?”
“We never… we’ve never talked about that night, and I think we have to.” Xavi’s voice was strained, as though it physically pained him to revisit it.
“There’s no need,” Lulu whispered, brushing his fingers along Xavi’s shoulder, keeping them resting around his neck.
He knew which night Xavi was referring to, of course he did.
Bile rose in Lulu’s throat at the memory of what had happened.
How his last conscious thought, before everything went dark, had been that he’d never get to tell Xavi that he loved him.
“There is. I think I’ve… I think I’ve felt guilty all these years.”
Lulu’s chest tightened, his heart squeezing at Xavi’s admission. He’d had no idea Xavi felt that way, and that it had weighed down on him for so long.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Perhaps not, but I feel guilty all the same.”
“I’m okay. It took a while, I’m not gonna lie.
That night left its mark on me, but I’m okay now.
It’s in the past. There’s no need to dwell on it.
If there’s anyone to blame, it’s my asshole father, but he ain’t exactly here anymore.
” He brushed his thumb up and down Xavi’s neck soothingly.
“I’ve never once blamed you, oso. Please know that. ”
Xavi blinked, his eyes wet like liquid ink.
“I was so scared that first week in the hospital. Scared that I’d never get you back, that I’d lost you for good. I cursed myself for getting angry with you for something that was not your fault. Something that was my issue and my issue alone.”
“What?”
“That I was so fucking gone for you and seeing you with other guys drove me mad,” Xavi gritted.
“I only ever wanted your attention, oso. None of them mattered, only you.” It was true. All the flirting, all the teasing, all the other men. It had all been to get a reaction out of Xavi.
“I wish I’d known that. I wish I’d been able to see that, to see past my own issues. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Everything’s okay now.”
“So you forgive me? For that night?” Hope shone in Xavi’s eyes, vulnerability, too, and Lulu’s heart expanded even more, making even more room for Xavi inside.
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
“But maybe I still need it, cisne.”
Leaning in, Lulu smiled against Xavi’s lips, then kissed him softly in a barely there kiss. “Forgiven, oso. Forever and always.”
“Yeah?” Xavi croaked, his lips vibrating against Lulu’s.
“Yes. No doubt in my heart. Never.” The words had barely left his lips before Xavi slammed his mouth against Lulu’s.
There was such force in the kiss, such pent-up relief and gratitude, that it brought tears to Lulu’s eyes.
He’d never known Xavi had carried that night around with him all those years.
If he’d known, Lulu would’ve talked to him about it sooner, but he’d made a conscious choice long ago to bury that night deep in the past with the rest of the pain he’d suffered at the hands of his father.