Chapter Twenty-Six
Lulu
Since last night at the club, Lulu hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what would happen once they got to Portland.
They’d dropped Finn off in front of his parents’ house in Florence, and now it was just the two of them on this last stretch of the road.
It was one thing to be on the road with Xavi, where they’d created this world of two, where their future was suspended, put on hold, and where they could just be.
But what happened once they returned to the real world, to their old lives?
Would Xavi regret what they’d done? Lulu didn’t think so, but since they hadn’t touched the subject, he couldn’t know for sure.
Then, images of a bare-chested Xavi dancing in the club last night under the bright neon lights flooded his mind.
The way Xavi had pulled off his T-shirt, his armor, and had bared himself to the world, all his scars on full display, so brave and so vulnerable and just altogether stunning.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, his umber skin glowing in his beautiful rebirth, his scars glistening like Xavi’s skin had been dusted with silver or decorated with tiny rhinestones.
Xavi had been so fucking brave, so how could Lulu not be, too?
He’d called Lulu his, hadn’t he? And Xavi had meant it.
At that moment, he had meant it. Lulu had seen it in his eyes and felt it with every fiber of his being.
“Will we be okay?” The words fell from Lulu’s lips before he had time to think, and it felt like not only his heart but the entire world stopped while waiting for Xavi’s answer. “Will we be okay, Xavi?”
Xavi didn’t say anything, his features stoic, and for a second, Lulu thought Xavi hadn’t heard him.
Then his lips tightened into a thin line, and Lulu knew he had.
This was Xavi’s most serious face, his thinking face.
It was how he’d looked at Lulu when Lulu had woken up in the hospital after his father had beaten him within an inch of his life.
It was how he’d looked when Joe had told them what had happened to Noah during his training at the firefighter academy.
“Xavi,” Lulu whispered, but Xavi shook his head, then took the next exit, which said Salem. Oh shit, wasn’t Salem where they used to burn all those poor women back in the day? “Why are we stopping?”
“I forgot something. We’ll just be a second.” Xavi’s voice was tight, like it physically pained him to speak, and for once, Lulu couldn’t decipher the expression in his eyes.
“What did you forget?” Tears suddenly threatened to spill. Lulu didn’t want to go to fucking Salem. He wanted to keep driving with Xavi by his side. He never wanted to stop, never wanted this trip to end, if it meant this thing between them was coming to an end, too. “What did you forget, Xavi?”
“Lulu, please…” Xavi threw him a quick look, his gaze flickering.
Oh shit, this was it, wasn’t it? This was when Xavi was going to tell him that last night had been a mistake.
That he hadn’t meant what he’d said. That he’d been carried away by the atmosphere in the club, and that what happened on the road should just fucking stay on the road.
“I know what you’re thinking. But that’s not it.
I swear, cisne, whatever you’re thinking…
that’s not it. Just… just let me find a place to park, okay? ”
“Okay,” Lulu sniffled, and now the stupid tears came anyway, trailing down his cheeks. He wiped at them furiously, clinging to Xavi’s words. ‘I swear, cisne.’ Xavi had never lied to him, not once.
They drove through an industrial area and passed what looked like the entrance to a park, and Xavi hit the brakes and made a sharp turn, then pulled into an empty space under a large tree.
Turning in his seat, a deep sigh left Xavi’s chest. His gaze shifted between his hands and Lulu’s eyes, and in that moment, he looked so young again, like the boy Lulu had fallen so hard for nearly two decades earlier.
Digging his teeth into his bottom lip, Xavi closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.
Then, when he opened them again, there was a newfound serenity on his face.
Reaching for Lulu’s hands, he smiled shyly as he carefully tangled their fingers together.
Then Xavi nodded briefly, a barely there movement of his chin, like something seemed to fall into place inside him.
“‘Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own: in pain and sickness it would still be dear. Your mind is my treasure, and if it were broken, it would be my treasure still.’”
“Xavi…” Xavi was squeezing his fingers to the point of pain, and Lulu wasn’t sure if he understood the true meaning of what he was saying.
“It’s from Jane Eyre. It’s my favorite book.”
“I know.” Lulu could barely speak with the way his heart was racing in his chest. “I know it is.”
“It’s my favorite book because Jane and Rochester’s love is as unlikely as it comes.
Not just because of social constructs such as class and gender.
No, Rochester thinks he’s undeserving of Jane, yet he still wants her.
He craves her. Although he sees himself as tainted, broken, perhaps, because of his past, he must have her because, in having Jane, who is pure and good, lies his redemption.
” Xavi smiled carefully, then reached for Lulu’s chin, brushing it softly with his knuckles.
“Then there’s Jane. She’s so clever, and strong, and determined.
She marches to the beat of her own drum, not caring what society tells her she can or cannot do or be.
She’s not conventionally beautiful, no, her beauty runs deeper than that.
Her beauty lies in her intelligence, in her unwavering soul.
She’s a fighter. As true as they come. She knows herself, and she remains true to herself throughout the book.
Nothing unsettles her, not even the power of her love for Rochester.
She’s…” Xavi’s voice momentarily broke, and Lulu ached to reach for him, to hold him in a tight embrace against his chest, but the look in Xavi’s eyes told Lulu he needed to let him finish.
“She’s so fucking awe-inspiring. She’s so brave and so constant in her values.
She’s been knocked over a thousand times by society, by life, by the people who are supposed to love her, and yet, she still rises.
She rises again and again, and she never, not even fucking once, feels sorry for herself.
She continues to claw herself through life and rise again and again because she knows,” Xavi hesitated, his voice breathy.
“What? What does she know?” Lulu found himself enthralled by Xavi’s words. He knew there was a secret message somewhere, although it was eluding him for now. He searched for the answer in Xavi’s face, knowing it was there somewhere if he only looked closely enough.
“That she’s fucking worthy,” Xavi gritted, fire dancing in his eyes.
“That she’s fucking deserving of happiness.
That she’s every bit as good as anyone else.
She knows it with such conviction because she knows herself, and that’s why she fights so extraordinarily and so bravely for not just herself but for Rochester, too, and basically for everyone who thinks they’re undeserving.
Or broken. Or has ever been made to feel less.
That’s what makes her the strongest protagonist in literature.
Ever. At least in my opinion. That’s why Jane is part of my curriculum every fucking year and will be until the day I stop teaching. ”
Xavi’s words came out with such fierceness that it shook Lulu to his core. He suspected Xavi was talking about himself, and that’s why his next words stole all the air from Lulu’s lungs.
“You’re my Jane, cisne. You are strong and brave, and you fight tooth and nail for not just your own happiness but for mine, too.
You are unwavering in your faith in me. You’re selfless and kind and stronger than anyone I know.
You’re a true fighter, Lulu. You never feel sorry for yourself or blame anyone else for the hardship you’ve met.
Fuck, you don’t even blame your fucking parents.
You still find a place in your heart for them despite the shit they put you through. ”
Lulu’s head was spinning, a thousand sensations coursing through his body. Xavi’s fingers continued to squeeze around his, his knuckles brushing along Lulu’s chin, and he was glad for that because otherwise he would’ve thought he was dreaming.
“You are pure, cisne. You are the most beautiful person I know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be brave for you sooner, but I’m here now.
I’m here with you now, and I won’t disappear ever again.
I love you, baby, and you make me feel like I deserve to be loved, too.
Like I deserve to be loved by someone like you. ”
“You do! You do more than anything.” Tears were running down Lulu’s cheeks with no end in sight, his chest tight with emotion.
“I believe you,” Xavi laughed, his voice breathy, free. “I finally believe you. Because of you, I believe it. That’s why when you ask me if we’ll be okay, I know we will. As long as I have you, mano, and your faith in me, I know we will be. As long as we love each other.”
“I do. I love you so much, oso.”
“I know you do. I see it now. I’m no longer afraid of seeing it. I love you, too. More than I can ever put into a thousand sentences.”
“One is enough. One will do just fine,” Lulu laughed through his tears.
“Okay.” Staring at Lulu through thick lashes, Xavi blushed adorably. “So no more trial, okay? We’re boyfriends, real fucking boyfriends. And that’s what we’re gonna be later today at the rehearsal dinner and tomorrow at the wedding.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it. I’m not gonna change my mind about this. Not ever.”
“You better not,” Lulu croaked, then leaned in and brushed his lips against Xavi’s. “Because I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I really like it.”
A possessive sound left Xavi’s throat as his fingers dug into Lulu’s shoulders, then fisted his sweater.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before either,” Xavi gritted against his chin, before he traced the outline of it with his nose.
“And I really fucking like it, too.” Then he buried his face against Lulu’s neck, sighing deeply, like a huge rock had just fallen from his shoulders or the entire world, perhaps.
Lulu felt lighter, too, like he could do anything.
Like he could run up the highest mountain and spread out his arms and just take off and fly. Just fly.
“Let’s go then. Let’s go.”
“Five more minutes. Just five more minutes.”
“Okay,” Lulu gasped, tilting his head back, when Xavi sucked his Adam’s apple all the way inside his divine mouth. “Okay.” Because what were five more minutes when you had the rest of your lives together?