Chapter Sixteen #3
‘I was going to say shite.’
I’m afraid this tips me over the edge. How dare he be so rude about my beautiful London?
I’ve had it with Hamish. I can’t believe how much of his ridiculousness I’ve managed to block out these past ten years.
Honestly, at this point, I can barely remember why we got together in the first place, let alone why I thought he was my ticket out of here.
A sudden clarity fills my mind and it’s like the fog has lifted, a light in the dark has been switched on. I can see, properly see, for the first time in days. Maybe, probably, years.
I have got to let go of the past.
Which is ironic, because I am stuck on a hamster wheel of the past as we speak.
What I mean is, I’ve got to stop obsessing over what could have been.
My past clearly doesn’t hold the answers and if I keep comparing every man I meet to Hamish and even they fall short, then what kind of man am I dating in the first place?
! Horror shows, the lot of them. All this time I thought that the answer to my problems lay with Hamish.
He was the perfect boyfriend. Going back was the dream option.
And now here I am, literally back where it all started, and it is crystal clear that Hamish is solving none of my problems.
He was the problem to begin with.
Yes, that’s it! All this time spent obsessing over the one that got away means I haven’t stopped to smell the roses. I haven’t been allowing myself to fully embrace my life because I’d got stuck on this Hamish glitch. He’s not the answer to anything! He most definitely is not the man for me.
And, now that I think about it, I’m convinced he cannot be my way out of this Monday merry-go-round, either.
I turn with wide eyes towards the man I’ve had on a pedestal for so long, seeing him in a completely fresh way. A decade spent giving so much meaning to someone who didn’t deserve it. The realization knocks the breath out of me.
‘This is me,’ says Hamish as his flight is called. ‘I’d better go through.’
‘Okay,’ I sniff, voice wobbly with the reality of it all.
‘It’s okay, dude. There, there. I’ll be in touch.’ Naturally Hamish believes I’m almost-crying over him.
‘Listen, Hamish,’ I say, grabbing his hands. It’s time to be honest, for both our sakes. ‘You should go.’
‘Oh, I am going.’ He gives me a fond, poor-misguided-you look. ‘I wasn’t wavering about leaving for Australia just because you look upset, Nee. Christ!’
‘No, I mean, really go. Go and enjoy Australia. This is an incredible opportunity for you, so what I’m saying is, go and be free. Don’t tell me you’ll be in touch. We both know you don’t mean it.’
‘Woah, bro, don’t say that.’
I give him a look. ‘It’s true. We’re both so young. Not to mention in possession of these incredible bodies. Just look at my breasts!’
‘Now I am considering staying.’ He grins.
‘No, no,’ I insist. ‘What I’m saying is, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and we should both move on with them.
Separately. I don’t want to spend the next decade thinking about what could have been between us, just because you never got in touch.
I don’t want to have you hanging over my life like that.
At first I thought it was a good thing, like, how lucky I was to have those amazing memories in the first place.
Now I see that the past should never define you. ’
Hamish is scratching his head, looking a bit confused, and also still looking at my boobs. Can’t blame him, I can barely stop myself.
‘I want to move on with my life, properly,’ I continue. ‘I want to close this chapter so that I can open up some new ones. And honestly who knows if I’ll get to do that at this point. But one thing’s for sure, I’m tired of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole, you know?’
Hamish does not know. He looks confused.
‘Are you suggesting we go have sex before my flight?’ he asks. ‘Because I’m game.’
Hamish has the emotional intelligence of a randy baboon.
‘Absolutely not.’ I sigh loudly.
‘Are you breaking up with me?’ he asks after a pause. ‘Because we said we’d see how it goes, right? This might be a little break but I’ll be back in twelve months, Nee. I thought we’d pick right up where we left off when I get back?’
‘Spoiler alert, you will not come back,’ I say wisely.
‘You will go and have such a brilliant time that you forget about me in weeks. And that’s okay!
For the longest time I’ve been so deeply offended by that fact.
I’d blamed myself, thought I’d done something wrong because otherwise, why would you have treated me like that?
There had to be an explanation, a reason.
Something more to help me make sense of it.
So I put the blame at my feet. The past ten years of my life have been built on this fault line I made for myself, which shouldn’t have been there in the first place.
What you did wasn’t my fault. Turns out, Hamish, that you’re just a bit of a douche.
I should never have let that crack open up in the first place. So now it’s on me to try and heal it.’
‘Dude, you’ve lost me.’
‘I know.’ I pat him on the back. ‘What I’ve come to realize, over the past few days, is that you actually make the right choice in Australia. Not the ghosting me thing, obviously, that’s a real dick move.’
‘What’s ghosting?’
‘Is ghosting not a thing yet? What year are we in?’
‘Nina, do you need to see a doctor?’
‘No, no!’ I say cheerily. ‘I’m perfectly well. Magnificent, actually. Saying this makes me feel free for the first time in so, so long. It’s such a relief, like a weight has been lifted. Adieu, Hamish! Au revoir!’
I start waving, which is unfortunate because he’s not moving off yet, so I’m just waving straight into his face.
‘I’m not going.’
‘WHAT?’
‘You’re right, I can’t leave you like this.’
‘Sorry, at what point did I say you can’t leave me?’
‘You don’t have to say it with words, Nee. I understand you on a much deeper level.’
‘No, you don’t,’ I insist, extending the handle of his suitcase and putting it directly into his hand.
‘I’m addicted to you, Nina. Especially when you get all cross and tetchy and shouty like you are now. I can’t get enough. I’ll stay. We’ll be together forever.’
‘OH FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE!’
People in the airport are stopping and staring now.
I try again, more firmly.
‘Hamish, trust me, you aren’t addicted to me. You’re just addicted to being liked, and truth be told I’m not sure I even like you anymore. Seeing you now, through a more modern gaze, has well and truly killed my rose-tinted glasses. The vibes are no longer immaculate, as Ellie would say.’
‘Who’s Ellie?’ Hamish scratches his head.
‘Shush now.’ I press my fingers to his mouth. ‘You must get on this flight, safe in the knowledge that our relationship has been neatly tied up by your ex-girlfriend Nina.’
He sniffs. Chin wobbles. Looks at the check-in desk like a sad dog.
‘We’re really breaking up?’
‘Yes, Hamish. I know it’s sad et cetera, but you’ll be just fine. Promise,’ I say briskly.
‘You’re being harsh.’
‘Sometimes you’ve got to be cruel to be kind.
Trust me, this is coming from a place of love.
Well, maybe not love. Respect?’ I look him up and down.
‘No, that’s not right either. Let’s go for self-love.
Because even though Past and Present Nina have made some bad choices, I’ve got to be kind to her.
She didn’t know what she needed. And now, she does. ’
‘I’m so confused.’ Hamish pouts.
‘Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,’ I say. ‘Will you promise me something, Hamish?’
Hamish eyes me warily.
‘Once you get to Australia, make sure you call your parents. They do love you and they only want what’s best for you.
And please treat people with respect. Oh, and maybe read some books about growing your own business.
You’re right, a nine-to-five is not for you, but you could actually do really well as a surfer. Take my advice, get on TikTok—’
‘The little mints?’
‘You’re thinking of Tic Tacs and, by the way, yum.
’ I smile. ‘Just trust me on this. When you hear about TikTok, get straight on it and start sharing surfing videos. I can see you making it big as a surfing influencer. Why not do what you love, and make money, and make your parents proud all in one? Oh, and just remember that no grown man should ever refer to the plastic crap he finds on the beach as objets trouvés, okay? That is the end of my TED talk. Goodbye, Hamish.’
This time he walks off with his tail between his legs and all I feel is relief.