Chapter Nineteen #2
‘Honey, I was doing a downward dog when I realized that what I was feeling couldn’t be hate, after all.
We ended up seeing each other for years, actually, and it was one of my best marriages.
It started out with me employing him to get me into shape, and he was so bossy, so we’d spent a lot of time together arguing.
I think that really helped. It was as if we’d spent so long navigating the things we disliked about one another that by the time we got together, we’d seen each other at our very worst. Honestly, Mattieu brought out the worst in me.
I would behave so badly when I was around him!
We talked about it a lot once we got together, like: “How come you’re dating me when I did and said all those things?
” And I do mean that. I once tipped a plate of spaghetti bolognese down his clean white shirt. ’
‘No,’ I snort, feeling marginally less bad about all the Callum-killing I’ve been doing.
‘He kept pronouncing parmesan “parme-zharrn” which would have been acceptable if he was, say, from the continent. But he was not. He was from Huddersfield. It wound me up so much.’ Jennifer shudders.
‘So what we’re saying is, he totally deserved it?’ I chip in.
‘Exactly.’ She rests a manicured hand on mine. ‘I reminded him of it every time we ate Italian once we started dating.’
‘Did he stop saying parme-zharrn after that?’
‘Oh no, totally carried on doing it. He was probably hoping to wind me up but actually, I just started to find it endearing. That’s the thing about dating someone you once hated.
You’ve made this snap decision not to like someone and then you spend the rest of your time around them exaggerating their flaws, turning every little thing into a big deal.
Then one day, you realize that you probably just wasted a lot of energy doing that when you could have been having excellent sex instead. ’
‘Jennifer, you are so very wise,’ I say. ‘Do you honestly believe enemies can make good lovers?’
Jennifer, Dot and Rachel all seem to find this hilarious.
‘The best!’ Jennifer says. ‘Anger is a passionate emotion, right? Very close to love, when you think about it. Personally, I reckon that hating each other creates the perfect platform for – I hate to put it like this but bear with me – “authentic connection”. There, I said it.’
I’m laughing hard now, right when the cabin crew announce that we’re coming in to land.
‘Goodness, we’ve talked through this entire thirteen-hour flight,’ Jennifer says.
‘Thank you for making me feel so much better and for making me an honorary member of your group,’ I say, pointing my fingers at the defamatory Eric T-shirt I am now wearing. ‘I’ve got one last question. The husband who you hated and dated – Mattieu – it didn’t work out. Can I ask why?’
‘Mattieu got offered a job training some billionaire in America,’ she says. ‘He was young, and it was a great offer, and there was no way I was going to leave London. What would Mum do without me?’
‘I’d have been perfectly fine,’ Dot grumbles.
‘Still,’ says Jennifer. ‘It was just one of those things. So, what are you going to do about Callum?’
‘Oh,’ I say, kicking my legs out in front of me despondently. ‘Nothing. There’s nothing I can do. Like I said, I’ve missed my chance.’
‘Fuck that! If he means this much to you, you need to make your own chances.’
‘In this case, that’s a bit easier said than done.’ I wince.
‘You know, I’ve been working as a celebrity agent for decades, and the one thing that winds me up the most about my clients is when they tell people that they manifested their amazing careers.
Honestly, it makes me want to scratch my own eyeballs out.
Like, okay, honey, you earn thousands of pounds for, let’s be honest, farting about on television and you think it’s okay to tell people that you deserve it because you wished it so?
’ Jennifer shakes her head. ‘However, there might just be a grain of truth to it. If you believe enough in something, maybe that can shift things in your favour? Maybe you’ve just got to have hope. ’
Hope is something I haven’t felt in a long while, I think as we land in Singapore.
There’s not the usual hustle to shepherd us through the airport, which can’t just be thanks to the lack of Hamish and his delayed boarding on previous Mondays.
But for some reason, I find myself with an hour to kill before the flight to Perth takes off.
Jennifer, Dot, Rachel and the rest of their party head off in search of Louis Vuitton and I promise to keep an eye out for them at the departure gate later.
Meanwhile, the thought of sitting down again makes my insides cry so I decide to do what I do best, and potter around the shops.
Soon enough I’m flicking through tiny keyring options in the Discover Singapore store and wondering if I really do need another new pen.
This one is covered in happy rabbits, so obviously the answer is yes.
Feeling cheered by my new purchase, I head over to a stall selling juices and opt for a green one which promises to turn me into a goddess.
This is what I need. A new pen for making new plans in my new life as a goddess.
I simply cannot spend any more time wallowing about like a hippo in mud.
I’ll go mad if I sit with these bad vibes any longer.
I will not allow myself to believe that I am doomed for all eternity because that is some high-level buzzkill.
With purpose, I carry my green juice over to a long bank of desks with high-backed stools in front of them.
I’m going to make a plan! And this one, I promise, will have absolutely nothing to do with my past. Nudging a nearby stool to one side and plonking my bag down on it, I pull out my notebook and my shiny new pen, and plug my phone in to a USB port to charge. Then I lean against the desk.
It’s time to manifest the heck out of my future.
Moving on from Monday 1 September
Stop relying on men to get you out of a fix – this should have been obvious from the start because we’re not in the 1950s anymore.
That includes Callum – clearly lost your chance there. Get over it. See above, men aren’t the answer anyway.
Focus on you – a strong and capable woman. You can achieve whatever you want. See career for evidence!
So, what do I want? I wonder, tapping my new bunny rabbit pen on the notebook.
I want Callum.
No, Nina! Don’t be silly. We literally just discussed this.
What I actually want is freedom, I decide. The time and space to get out of this never-ending Monday.
Appreciate what you have – no more backward glances and longing looks at the past. The present is a bit shit right now but the future could be amazing.
Callum
Oops, I was not thinking there when I scribbled Callum’s name as point number five. I cross it out.
Callum
Stop thinking about men! Jennifer did make some good points about relationships not needing to begin with friendship … But never mind that, time to focus on you!
Make your own chances
Remember American podcast host’s words of wisdom. ‘Don’t let time boss you around.’
Yes, that’s it! You’re not the boss of me, time loop.
I take another slurp of green juice, a fresh reminder that I am a self-empowered goddess.
I just need to focus on myself. Let’s face it, the past few days have been a whole entire headache and I really do blame men.
Life would be so much less complicated without them.
Maybe that’s it, a small voice whispers in my mind.
Maybe that’s my ticket out of here, after all.
I look around me, at the people I haven’t seen before.
The faceless travellers making their own way around the world today.
The families with young kids wheeling around on those sweet little suitcases made to look like brightly coloured animals.
The business people in suits, glued to their phones.
The travellers wearing baggy trousers with travel pillows still around their necks.
It takes me a minute to realize how much of this Monday is new, now. The lack of delay, the absence of Hamish, the time with Jennifer … it really has changed a lot.
My flight is called and I wonder, with trepidation, if this really could be a new start.
Or at least, not the end, like it has been every single Monday so far.
Has my new future-focused mindset helped?
In five hours’ time, will I step off the plane at Perth airport and actually make it on to Australian soil?
Without Callum.
Urgh! A niggling part of my brain reminds me that whatever happens, he won’t be with me for it.
But that’s over with. Nina only looks forward from now on.
And I promise to cherish every moment, I think, offering up a silent prayer to any gods who might be listening. I really will make the most of my life!
Okay, it’s time to go. I slot my notebook and pen back into my bag, and drain the last of the juice. I’m about to walk towards the departure gate when I realize I’ve left my phone charging on the desk.
My heart thuds in the way it can when you experience a near miss.
Imagine if I’d forgotten it! The thought alone is anxiety-inducing.
Taking a steadying breath, I go to unplug the charger and turn to face my future.
But as I do it, my body jolts with what feels like a thousand electric shocks. Every muscle spasms. That last thing I know, I’m heading in the direction of the floor. And then the lights go out.