Chapter 23
23
Kate felt wretched after leaving Cooper there. She felt like she’d just walked away from him forever. Her past was dictating her future, and she was damn well letting it. As soon as she could break away from work, she took herself off to a quiet corner and dialled a number on her phone. Roger answered after two rings.
‘Hello, dear, how are you and Jamie? It’s lovely to hear from you!’ His warmth and friendly easiness made Kate’s stomach drop into her heels.
‘We’re fine thanks, Roger, but I do have a favour to ask.’ She already knew that Neil’s work hadn’t told them anything. He’d called to tell her as much. ‘Could you and Milly please come to the centre today? I thought you could have lunch with Jamie, and I need to speak to you too.’
Roger didn’t speak for a moment, and Kate held her breath.
‘Of course,’ he said eventually. ‘We will set off as soon as we can. About an hour, okay?’
Kate gripped the phone tight. ‘That would be good, thanks.’
Kate looked at the faces of Milly and Roger as she told them about Jamie’s accident, and the circumstances that led to a mother telling a father to leave the bedside of their gravely injured son when he’d finally come back to the hospital.
Milly was pale, her lemon two-piece washing out her make-up even further. She looked like she might vomit, and Kate hated herself for doing this to them. Neil should be here to tell him. Be man enough to stand by his decisions, his mistakes. The wind was a slow breeze, at times taking the heat of the sun that shone down on the centre gardens. They were sat watching Cooper and Jamie play hoops in their chairs. Cooper was pretty steady walking but still a bit wobbly at times. Kate knew that the chair was more for Jamie’s benefit. Their laughter carried across the grass to the wooden bench they were perched on. Roger looked across at the laughter, and his stricken face melted into a smile.
‘That Cooper – he really is good with him isn’t he? I don’t think I ever heard Jamie laugh like that before now.’
Kate nodded. He’d barely spoken to her since that day. He was still there for Jamie, though. Didn’t let his hurt show, but she knew he felt her pushing him away. I just need to make this right, hang in there with me. ‘He’s had it tough, but I think we’re through the worst of it now. I’m sick of being the bad guy here, but I can’t tell Jamie the truth. It’s made this whole thing so much harder. He hates me for keeping his dad away. I asked him to leave that day, but he didn’t have to fall off the face of the Earth. I was angry when I found out what happened. Our marriage was over, but what he did… it cost Jamie. He’ll be upset when it all comes out. I just want to get in front of it.’
Roger pursed his lips. ‘We need to go and find him, today. Make him talk to his son and explain just what’s going on. This is not the son we raised. No wonder he’s been avoiding us. Lying. I tried contacting him at work again, but they’re very tight-lipped. No wonder now, they’re obviously protecting him.’
Kate shook her head. ‘Not him they’re protecting so much. I think it’s her that they’re trying to look after.’ An affair between colleagues wasn’t exactly something they would want on stamped onto the company masthead.
Milly still hadn’t spoken; she was sitting looking down at her clasped hands. Roger nudged her gently, putting his arm around her.
‘Milly love, we need to sort this out.’
Milly jerked her head to her husband, looking dazed.
‘Milly, we need to go and find Neil,’ he tried again. ‘We need to sort this out, for Jamie.’
His wife looked at Jamie, who was playing hoops with some of the other soldiers now, chuckling as he passed one by with the ball in his lap.
Cooper was at Kate’s side before she’d even realised he had moved.
‘Kate, I overheard, and I don’t want to cause any trouble, but…’ He looked apologetic. ‘I have an address for Neil. I know where he’s living, if you want it.’
Roger answered before Kate could compute what he was saying to her. Looking at Cooper, she had the feeling that he had already been to that address.
‘Yes, Cooper, we would. We can set off after lunch, catch him after work.’ He looked at Kate and she nodded. ‘Do you want to come with us Kate?’
Kate looked at Cooper, and he pulled her hand into his, bringing it to his lips to kiss. She didn’t stop him. Her hand welcomed the touch, needed it.
‘I think you should,’ he said softly. ‘You need to see him again. I think once you see him, you’ll know what to do.’
Kate shook her head. ‘It won’t make a difference, Cooper; Neil and I are over. I just want this dealt with, so Jamie and I can move on.’
She saw Cooper’s jaw flex. Roger steered a fragile looking Milly over to the court to see Jamie, and Cooper took a seat across from her, not letting her hand go.
‘Won’t make a difference to anything? Not even us?’
‘Cooper,’ she replied, looking at their entwined fingers. ‘All of this is too much for you, it’s not fair. It’s just too messy, and you don’t know everyth?—’
‘I already told you, I’m in. I know none of this is easy, but I am all in here. For you and Jamie. I don’t care about the other stuff, we can sort it, together.’
Kate pulled her hand away from his. ‘I can’t put you through this any more. I need to be selfish and concentrate on Jamie, and I don’t know how bad this is going to get. Neil won’t be happy that I involved his parents.’
Cooper shook his head. ‘Jamie is my priority too, which is why we’re on the same page. I just can’t help feeling that you’re still holding back on me. There must be some other reason for us not to be together. Do you not love me? Is that it?’
‘Don’t you get it? I can’t do this!’ she half yelled at him. He didn’t flinch, just kept looking at her with those piercing green eyes. She leant in closer. ‘They don’t even know everything, because I just can’t be the one to tell them. I can’t do it!’
‘Tell them what?’ Cooper asked. ‘Tell me, Kate. Please.’
Kate flinched, a sad smile on her face. ‘So, you have been there. Did you meet them?’
‘I saw a woman in the house, yes.’ He thought of the bump. ‘Was he on the phone to her when the accident happened? Is that why you sent him away? I get it, Kate. I’m here. I would never do that.’
Kate shook her head, and started to walk away. ‘You went behind my back to get his address, which tells me that you wanted to check things out for yourself. Which means you had doubts. It makes this all the easier. I’m so sorry Cooper, but all I’ve ever done is cause you pain and trouble. I’ll get Jamie to call you. Roger and Milly are going to take him in, they have a ground floor room they can convert to his room, just till I get a house sorted. Trevor is going to sort out the transfer and I will be staying on at the centre. I think we should just be friends, if we can.’
Cooper snorted. ‘Friends?’ Kate sighed, putting her head in her hands and his gut clenched. She was shutting down again. ‘I don’t want to be your friend! I want us to be together. Can’t you see how fucked-up this is, after everything we have been through? Don’t give up now.’
Cooper took her hands away from her face and wrapped them in his on the table.
‘Look at me.’ His voice broke a little, and she stubbornly kept her eyes down. ‘Look at me!’ he shouted.
She looked him straight in the eyes. ‘Cooper, it’s done. Please, respect my wishes. I’m doing it for your own good, trust me. Jamie is going to be a mess when this all comes out. You have your recovery, we still have to be here together, keeping it a secret. I just can’t drag you through all that. I can’t.’
Cooper shook his head, getting up. ‘You do me a favour, Missy, you want to lie to yourself, you keep me out of it. I know the truth, so don’t insult me.’
Kate watched him walk away, heading over to Jamie. Roger and Milly looked across at her but said nothing. They didn’t say anything in the car either, all the way to the address Cooper had given them.
Pulling up at the house, Kate saw Roger check the address written on the sheet. He turned off the engine and frowned at the sat nav.
‘It seems we’re here; he must be renting?’
Kate shrugged. ‘I don’t know, maybe.’
Milly was staring at something through the window of the house. She looked haunted; she had all morning since Kate had broken the news. Roger kept shooting her worried glances, and Kate once again silently cursed her feckless ex-husband for being such a coward. Not that she was any better. She had just stamped all over Cooper’s heart, and her chance of being a family with a man she loved. The first and only man she had ever truly loved and cared for.
Roger nodded to himself and squeezed his wife’s hand.
‘Come on then, let’s go and see our son.’
The knock at the door caused a dog to bark, and the three of them shifted from foot to foot as they heard shuffling coming from inside. The door opened, a woman’s voice ringing out.
‘Barney, sshh! I’m sorry, he’s no guard dog, I can tell you. Might lick you to death, though.’
The woman was pretty, Kate could see from over Roger’s shoulder. She recognised her from the company profile page, although they had never met. Funny how someone you’d never even spoken to could have such a reach in your life.
She was looking at Roger and Milly expectantly, her face so open and friendly. She obviously had no idea who they were. Kate decided to test a theory. Stepping forward, out from behind Roger, she flashed a smile. The woman’s smile vanished, her eyes darting from face to face.
‘Hi,’ Kate trilled. ‘Is my ex-husband here?’
The woman paled. ‘Er, yes he is… just, er… I’m sorry – I’ll get him.’
‘You do that.’
The woman turned to head back into the house, but was cut off by a figure. Neil was standing there, a look of shock plastered across his features.
Kate grinned at him, feeling her chest hammering with the simmering anger she felt inside. If he hadn’t got his pregnant partner standing next to him, she felt sure she could have launched herself at him like a wildcat. All teeth and fur flying. She wanted to rip him apart.
‘Hi. I came to talk about your firstborn. Remember him?’
Neil flapped his lips like a fish struggling for breath, and the woman swiftly disappeared into a room, closing the door behind her. Neil didn’t seem to know what to do with his arms, he kept crossing and uncrossing them. Milly started to cry, and Roger put his arm around her.
‘Neil?’ he said to his son. ‘I think you had better let us in, unless you want to do this on your doorstep.’
Neil looked at his dad and moved aside. ‘Come in.’
The room was clean and tidy, decorated in light tones and with minimal clutter. It was actually quite homely, even Kate had to acknowledge it was a nice home. Her home, Kate could tell. Her husband had landed right on his feet. In one corner of the room, she could see a baby play gym boxed up in the corner. Milly was at the mantelpiece, a picture of the pair of them in her hands. Neil was standing at the doorway, as though he needed to be near the exit. Typical Neil. Roger sat in the chair, looking around the room in obvious disgust. Kate perched herself on the end of the sofa.
‘Mum?’ Neil ventured. Milly turned to look at him, thrusting the frame in his direction. Neil threw her a rueful smile, but the usually quiet woman exploded.
‘Don’t you smile at me, you disgusting man. You left your son fighting for his life while you ran to the side of your pregnant fancy piece?’
‘Mum, it wasn’t like that. What could I do? Jamie had people with him. I was in bad shape. When I got the call in the car telling me she was pregnant, I panicked. The doctors sent me home, so I came here. I didn’t cheat, Mum, Kate and I were over. I made a mistake. I lost control of the car when she told me. I caused the accident. I came here to check on things, and when I went back and told Kate, she kicked me out! I had to make a choice.’
Kate snorted. ‘Oh, you made that alright, but you seem to have made all the wrong choices since. I made you leave because I was angry, but I tried to get in touch with you. You packed up your shit before Jamie was even out of danger. I came home that night to an empty house! You should have been there. Not for me, for him!’
‘I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I can’t even look Jamie in the face. I thought he’d heard, in the car. I panicked, the car came out of nowhere, or I swerved.’ He was rambling now, looking from face to face and finding no sympathy. ‘I fucked up. I want to be there for him. I call him, but I can’t face him. I can’t tell him this, I can’t. I put him in that chair. I was lonely, and you were in Iraq – I?—’
‘I don’t want to hear it. I just came to tell you that I’m not covering for you any more. I have Jamie covered, but you need to step up and own…’ She waved her hands around her. ‘This. We were done a long time ago, Neil, and all I want from you is that.’ She turned to his parents, who looked like they were about to pass out. ‘Roger, Milly, I’m sorry it had to happen like this. I’ll make my own way home.’
She was halfway down the drive when Neil came after her. He grabbed her arm, and she pushed him off.
‘Get the hell off me!’ she screamed, pushing him hard in the chest. Neil dropped back, holding his hands up in surrender.
‘I’m sorry! I get it, I just wanted to know if Jamie is okay?’
His words earned him a slap around the face. She slapped him as hard as she could, and he took it. They both stood there, breathing hard. Kate’s hand stung from the slap. It felt good. She wished she could do it again, but she had the feeling she wouldn’t stop. No good for anyone.
‘How dare you ask me that? I know I sent you away, but when I found out you were distracted on that call, and why? I lost it. I’d just stepped off a plane from a warzone! I was blindsided, angry. Upset. You should have done better. Been better, taken better care of him. You guilt-tripped me for weeks when I was working out there, and you were doing what? Shagging your colleague? Neil, you caused that crash, and then you left our son alone while you went to see your new family. Who does that?’
Neil gritted his teeth. ‘I was there, Kate. For months before, years. Looking after him while you were off doing your own thing.’
‘I was working! Doing important things like saving lives, I didn’t abandon him like you did!’ She sank into herself, a deep sigh erupting from within. ‘I said what I needed to. I need to get back to the centre.’
‘Can I see him?’ he asked. ‘I need to see him, I know I need to explain things. I’m so sorry, I will make this right, I promise.’
Kate wanted to tell him to go to hell, to see his face crumble when she informed him that he would never set eyes on their son again, but then she thought of Jamie and the words stuck in her throat.
‘If you see him, you have to tell him everything. I mean it, you can’t hide any more. I have protected you enough, but I do owe you that. It’s not about us, it’s about him.’
Neil nodded and Kate started to walk away.
‘Kate, will you thank the man that came, in the chair? I assume that he was the one who told you where I was. I know I’m a coward, but I am glad to talk. Own up. I’m not this guy, Kate. You know that. I was just messed up, I acted out. I didn’t think any of this would happen. It’s been killing me, all this. I didn’t know what to do.’ He sagged before her. ‘He was right. I need to do better. For this baby, and Jamie. For you. He was right.’
Kate didn’t answer, she headed down the street as fast as she could walk. Not for the first time, she realised that Cooper really was all in. He’d known everything and had still wanted forever. She just wished that she could be the uncomplicated woman he deserved. Wished she hadn’t hurt him by trying to save him from the mess he was already fully aware of. She should have known better. His event was so close now, he’d worked so hard. Going to him now, when all of this was going on? No. She would stay away, be his friend. Go with him to the ball, support him. For everything he had done, for her, for Jamie – she would push aside her feelings, and be by his side.