Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
RHETT
“Rhett?” Anderson stands, clearing his throat. “Gonna grab more wine, wanna help?”
“Yeah, uh, sure.” I push back from the table. Keeping my shoulders loose, I follow him inside.
As soon as we’re out of earshot, he passes me the bottle.
“So,” he volleys. “What the fuck was that?”
“Hmm?”
“That whole scene you made us all witness, thanks for that, by the way. Was that about Rachel?”
I unscrew the cap and pour slowly into the decanter, hands steadying on the glass as if the motion could steady my racing thoughts.
“Oh, uh, I guess.”
“You care to explain, or do you plan on spending the rest of tonight staring at Ben, envisioning his murder?”
I exhale through my nose, as a bitter half-laugh leaves my lips. “What am I supposed to do, Anderson? She’s not mine. Never was.”
“Well, for starters,” he says, leaning against the counter, “it seems like she got over the part where she’s mad at you for leaving. Are you going to forgive yourself now?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Rhett… look, I know we’ve only really known each other a couple of months.
But I feel like we’ve connected. I know you were Josh’s best friend, and I respect the hell out of that guy, so I’m going to do him a favor and tell you what I think he’d say if he were here.
” He takes a breath. “You aren’t protecting her by holding in your feelings for her. ”
He pauses, giving me the space to absorb the weight of that. “Now, I don’t know everything about your life, and I’m not going to pry. But if I were really being Josh right now, I’d tell you the truth, I think he always knew—you’ve been in love with her for years.”
I freeze. My hands tighten around the decanter, knuckles whitening.
“I’m not in love with her.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue.
“Rhett, I’m here for you. I’m your friend. So, if you want to say that, I’ll pretend we both don’t know the real answer, but if you want to have an honest conversation, we can do that too, and I won’t tell anyone.”
I almost stop myself before I say it.
“I have been in love with her since the beginning. But she’s never been mine to love.” This is the first time I’ve said that out loud, let alone to another person.
“I want to protect her,” I continue. “I always have. Even when I wasn’t here. And I failed Josh, I know that. I promised him I would protect her, and what did I do? I fell in love with her and left her. She wouldn’t be in this shitty relationship if I didn’t fuck up. If I didn’t leave.”
Anderson puts a hand on my shoulder. “I know you think you’ve failed Josh—hell, failed Rachel too.
But Rhett, you had to do what was best for you at the time, and if it meant leaving, then that’s what you had to do.
But I think with Rachel, you don’t have to earn her forgiveness.
She’s already forgiven you for leaving. I think you have to forgive yourself. ”
I laugh, but it’s hollow. “Forgive myself? You don’t get it. It doesn’t matter how I feel. It doesn’t matter what I want. I’m wired to leave.” I set the wine bottle down, giving my hand an excuse to be busy. “No matter how much I want to be with her, I’m not good for her.”
“Come on, man. Even I know that’s not true.”
I look back up to him. “My mom left, Anderson. She taught me at twelve years old that love is conditional. That I wasn’t worth sticking around for. I wasn’t worth loving. I can’t… I can’t just—”
Anderson tightens his grip on my shoulder.
“I might not get it, Rhett. But you’re not alone here.
You’re allowed to want her. You’re allowed to be afraid.
It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
And hell, maybe she feels the same way about you.
But you’ll never know if you don’t take the chance.
Do you really want any more time to pass without her knowing? ”
I look for her again, but she’s gone from the table, disappeared somewhere outside.
“What if I tell her and it blows up our friendship?”
“What if you tell her and she’s in love with you too?”
Anderson follows my stare, then looks back at me.
“Look, I know I don’t have the history you all have, but I’ve known Rachel now for a couple of years and can tell she is different around you.
When you talk, she listens. When she laughs, she scans the room to see if you’re laughing too. That’s not nothing, man.”
I exhale. “I don’t know if I can give her what she needs.”
“Your dad has never left. He stuck around, right?” Anderson asks, pushing off the fridge.
“Yeah,” I admit, unsure where he is going with this.
“And Margo has never left. She may have been dealing with her own trauma, but she was always there for you and is here for you now, right?”
“Yeah, I know that.”
“And Josh never left out of his own volition, right?”
“I don’t get what that has to do with this.”
“You have people in your life who love you unconditionally. What your mom did was horrible. But just because she wasn’t smart enough to see what she had right in front of her doesn’t mean you’re undeserving of unconditional love.
And Rachel isn’t your mom. It’s not fair to assume she won’t love you differently.
She’s not your past. She’s right here. Right now.
And if you let yourself, you might realize she’s been waiting for you to step up for years. ”
We stand there in silence for a second longer, the sounds of silverware and laughter drifting in from outside.
Right before we step back out onto the deck, Anderson turns to me one last time, “I’m sorry you lost Josh, man.
But when you’re ready to let others in, count me in.
I’m your friend, Rhett. You’ve got me for the long haul. ”
I give him a slight smile, and he pats my back as we head back toward the table.
I haven’t really had any guy friends since Josh.
And I know there has been a part of me unwilling to make new friends because the fear I have surrounding friendship has been paralyzing.
But right now, I’m really starting to come around to the idea.
Dinner wraps up slowly, and people start to drift. Connor and Slone argue over a board game inside. Margo and Anderson scoot closer together, enjoying a moment of peace. Ben steps away, taking a call inside the house, and I see my opportunity present itself to me.
Rachel is standing at the edge of the yard, one deep breath away from disappearing into the tree line.
Her arms are crossed tightly over her stomach.
I watch as she shifts her weight from foot to foot.
The breeze tugs at the hem of her dress, the pale fabric fluttering against her legs.
It catches my eye even when I don’t want it to.
I stop a few feet away and fix my eyes on the same dark tree line she has been locked on for ten straight minutes. She refuses to look in my direction or acknowledge my presence.
Typically, I would take the hint and leave her be. However, tonight, regardless of her intention, I’m in the mood to push. After the month of avoidance, I have no problem doing the talking for both of us.
“You okay?”
She continues to look out at the treeline. “Fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
She lets out a short breath. “Maybe I’m just tired.”
I glance sideways at her. “You were quiet back there at dinner. That’s not like you, Rach. You want to tell me what’s going on?”
She keeps her eyes fixed ahead, shoulders lifting in a stiff shrug. “Maybe I didn’t have anything to say. Ever think of that, Rhett?”
I step closer. “Bullshit. You always have something to say.”
Her spine goes rigid. She folds her arms tighter, fingers digging into her sleeves like she is holding herself together by force.
“Look,” I say, lowering my voice, “I wasn’t trying to make things awkward. I didn’t know Margo was going to bring up that story. And I didn’t mean for the nickname to cause problems between you and Ben.”
She exhales sharply through her nose. “Margo never knows when to shut up.”
“To be fair,” I say, “I don’t think she knew where the conversation would end up.”
Rachel finally turns to face me. Up close, I see the exhaustion lining her eyes.
“I know that.” She looks away again, as if that would be enough for me to give up and let her be sad and alone.
But I don’t have any plans to let this go.
“You know, Rach,” I say, the words scraping their way out of my chest, “I don’t get it. Why are you with him if he makes you feel like this all the time?”
Her head snaps toward me. Anger flashes dark and sharp in her eyes.
“Rhett—”
“No.” I shake my head once, cutting her off. The frustration I’ve been swallowing for weeks finally spills over. “I thought we made progress. I thought that night at my place meant something. That we were done with the awkward small talk and pleasantries.”
She stiffens.
“But then you disappear,” I continue. “It’s been over a month.
You won’t look at me, won’t talk to me—until you need something fixed.
And now I’m supposed to stand here and smile while Ben walks around like he owns you?
” A humorless laugh escapes me. “Funny thing is, for someone who acts like that, he barely looks at you at all.”
My jaw ticks. I hate how bitter it all sounds, but I can’t take it back now.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Her lips press together. “You don’t even know him.”
“But I know you,” I shoot back before I can stop myself. “And I know what it looks like when someone is being treated like an afterthought.”
She steps closer, disbelief twisting her face. “You knew me,” she spits. Her arms drop, fists clenching tight at her sides. “Past tense, Rhett. In case you forgot, you haven’t been around in four years. If anyone changed, it was you.”
“Oh, okay, so we’re lying now, got it.” I let out a laugh, but it’s sharp and humorless. I need to keep my emotions in check, but it is so fucking hard when I’m around her. I drag a hand through my hair, trying and failing to rein myself in.