Chapter 14 #2
“I don’t hate everything,” I sobbed. “That’s the worst part.
I don’t resent my family’s care and love; they mean more to me than I could ever say.
It’s like… It’s like this Thing wandered into my house and sat down in my living room, and now I have to take care of it.
Even when it treats me like shit, and gets in the way of my relationships, and keeps me from ever feeling like I’d be someone somebody could want—because who would?
Why the fuck would you sign up for me and the Thing I’m forced to carry around everywhere?
I hate it. Why wouldn’t you? I wish it weren’t there.
I wish I didn’t have to manage it and explain it away and make excuses for it.
And I wish I wasn’t worried all the time I was going to take one wrong step and set it off all over again. ”
My chest ached from giving life to the feelings I’d shoved away for so long, and speaking aloud about the Thing I’d felt squatting on my shoulders for months and months. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there, holding each other while I cried out my demons.
“C’mon,” he eventually said, leading me to the bed. “Sit down. I’ll make lunch.”
“No, it’s fine. I already feel better after getting that out. I can do it.”
“I know you can, but it doesn’t mean you have to. Let me take care of you.”
And so Charlie made us ramen, while the Thing and I sat in bed and watched.
I felt a bit like a wet towel that’d been wrung out and run over, but there was a peace in my soul I hadn’t felt since long before that awful day I was left in the airport.
The Thing was still there, right beside me.
It always would be. And I’d continue to battle it, probably for my whole life.
But watching Charlie pad around, softly humming to himself while he stirred the noodles and fried eggs and drizzled just the right amount of hot sauce into my bowl before handing it to me, I realized something.
The curtain of my fear and resentment had been pulled aside just enough so a tiny sliver of light peeked through. Finally, I could see what I hadn’t before, stumbling around in the dark for so long.
The Thing was scared and lonely, too, and looked an awful lot like me.
“Imake better ramen than you,” Charlie said, slurping up the last of his broth.
Hiding a smile behind my own near-empty bowl, I pretended to scowl. “It’s ramen. What’d you do, boil the water differently?”
Charlie rolled his eyes. “You have to let the eggs fry long enough to get good and crispy around the edges. You rush them, you impatient man.”
I couldn’t hide my grin anymore. “Yes, Chef.”
“Huh?”
“We have so much television catching up to do,” I sighed.
He took our dishes and set them on the counter, shaking his head in amusement. “Favorite place you’ve ever been?”
We played this game a lot—trading each other’s favorites back and forth with no rhyme or reason for when the questions began or ended.
“Besides here?”
He cast a look back at me like he’d thought I was kidding and then softened.
I still felt raw and flayed open from earlier, like every vulnerable thought I had would come spilling out as soon as it crossed my mind, but when he looked at me like that, I didn’t feel like I needed to seal myself back up.
“Yeah. Besides here,” he whispered, wandering back over to where I sat. He stood just out of arm’s reach.
“New England in the fall, just as the leaves turn. The orange—it’s shocking to see in nature, almost like it’s not real—is my favorite color.”
He sighed wistfully. “I’ve never been there. And that’s two favorites.”
“Then I get two questions of my own, don’t I?” I asked, that unnamed emotion fizzing up and making my stomach swoop.
He scooted forward a step, just enough so our knees brushed. “I suppose.”
I searched his face, brightly lit in the midday sun, and hale. Whole. Real. “Would you want to go with me if you could? To see the leaves turn in the fall in New England?”
He sucked in a breath. “Reece.”
We hadn’t done this yet; we hadn’t directly addressed what I’d dwelled on for days. Weeks. “Two answers, Charlie.”
Eyes glassy, he swallowed, and his outline glowed just a touch brighter than normal. “Yes,” he whispered, “I’d go with you to see the leaves change. I’d go with you anywhere. New England, California, even Missouri.”
I snorted and reached out to hook my fingers in the waistband of his pants, pulling him closer between my legs. “Now, that’s pushing it. Missouri? Really?”
He smiled and cupped my face. “Really. And I might even enjoy it, too. You’re pretty fun to be around, you know?”
“You’re just saying that.”
His face grew serious. “I’m really not.” He swallowed, his form flickering the tiniest bit before solidifying again.
“I don’t have the words or ability to fix the things that’ve happened to you, or to assure you nothing will ever go wrong again.
It might, or it might not. But I do know, Reece, I wouldn’t change anything about you. Not a thing. Not ever.”
Intentional or not, his words were the softest, most gentle blow to any remaining restraint I still possessed. I stood, tightly banding an arm around his waist because I couldn’t stand the thought of not touching him anymore.
Chest to chest, firm and warm, I peered down at him. “I’m going to ask my second question now.”
Charlie swallowed. “Okay.”
I cradled his face in my free hand, tipping his jaw up so his mouth was right there, a scant breath from mine. I ran my thumb along his bottom lip ever so gently. “Can I kiss you?”
His lips pursed into the pad of my finger, eyes heavy with want. “Yes.”
Slowly, I leaned down and brushed my lips against his in a featherlight touch. A zap of energy shot through me, sharp and bright, and I pulled away just enough to look at him, searching. Had he felt it, too?
His eyes darted between mine, honeyed whiskey turned syrupy with arousal.
Our mouths crashed together.
He tasted like the first refreshing glass of iced tea on a hot summer day, and I drank him in, parched and needy.
I dug my fingers into the small of his back to keep him close.
It was electric, like energy flowed between us in a closed current of conduction and need so hot it burned.
I swore I could feel the faint beat of his heart through my shirt.
“Reece,” he breathed when we parted, shoving his fingers into my hair. “I want—”
“I know,” I panted. “Me too.”
I hauled him against me, crowding him backwards until he bumped into the far wall of windows with a thud. His hands were wild, gripping my back and ass and yanking me hard against him.
When he dropped his mouth open, inviting me in, I took. With one hand braced against the glass, I wrapped my other palm around the front of his throat and tipped his chin up for the perfect angle.
He groaned into the kiss, gripping the sides of my face in return, and I went light-headed with need.
I couldn’t help but paw at him, roaming my hands over his shoulders, chest, and stomach until it was my turn to grab him by the hips and tug so there was no space between us at all.
Like this, with all of our shared heat, it was so easy to forget he wasn’t alive—that he wasn’t mine to hold forever.
“Fuck,” I panted, dropping a line of kisses along his cheekbone, behind his ear, down the length of his neck. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?”
“Probably not as long as I have,” he panted, before gripping the collar of my shirt and pushing me backwards so I was the one retreating, all the way until the backs of my knees hit the bed and I tumbled down, knocking into the window.
“Not possible,” I growled, gripping his hips when he climbed onto my lap to straddle me.
Charlie blanketed over me, burying his face in my hair, neck, and chest. “Possible…” he breathed. I would’ve argued some more if he hadn’t continued, “Hold me, Reece? Don’t let me disappear.”
The request was so needy, so vulnerable, like admitting he wanted to stay, that he wanted something beyond what he’d never thought he’d have again, cut him open, too.
In answer, I banded my arms around him and yanked him close.
We were both hard. Feeling the stiff length of him through our joggers had me crying out to reach down and pull us both out for some much-needed relief, but he trembled and flickered, face hidden in the crook of my neck.
“Hey,” I whispered, pressing kisses into his hair. “Are you okay? We can stop. I’m sorry if it was too much.”
“It’s not too much,” Charlie answered, glassy eyes finding mine.
“It’s just overwhelming. Even before I died, I never thought I’d get to have this.
And then you showed up. I want things now, Reece.
I want to find my family and go places with you and kiss you and make love to you, and it’s terrifying, because you’re going to leave. ”
His words punched me in the gut. “I’m not leaving,” I answered reflexively.
“Of course you will.” He said it with such sad gentleness—there was no blame in his voice, only heartache. “You have a life. I want you to live your life, and you can’t do that holed up in this lookout with me, when I’m not even sure how long I’ll be here for.”
My fingers dug into him, clinging on. “I’m not leaving, and neither are you. We’ll figure something out. I’ll figure something out.”
He stopped trembling and smiled at me again. “I used to curse whatever it was that kept me here all those years. I don’t anymore. Not even a little. Even if this is all we ever have, I’m happy we had it.”
Hot tears splashed my cheeks. “This isn’t all we have, Charlie,” I said, voice rough. “I don’t know how I know that, but I do. In my bones, I know that.”
Charlie searched my face before nodding. “I’m not letting go.” The tight band wrapped around my chest eased just a touch. “I’d go with you anywhere, remember?”
I nodded, unable to find more words. “C’mere,” I whispered.
Slowly, I pulled him back down to kiss him again. He melted into me, and for what felt like ages, we exchanged languid, open-mouth kisses, hands running along each other’s skin in heated touches. Gingerly, he began grinding his hips into mine, pressing our cocks together.
I gripped his waist with one hand to guide his unpracticed movements. He exhaled the softest “Oh,” into the space between us with each rocking motion and leaned into where I bit and sucked at his neck.
He smelled like cotton sheets and sex, and I’d never wanted anything more.
“Reece,” he whined. “This is… I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know whether I can, but it feels—it feels like—like I’m going to come.”
He sped up, knees digging in on either side as he ground his still-clothed cock into mine at a frantic pace.
“Take what you want from me, baby, please,” I begged, enraptured by the way his eyebrows bunched in pleasure, eyes glazed and soft. “Use me to feel good.”
He threw his head back and braced his hands on my shoulders for leverage so he could thrust harder into the movement.
“Fuck,” I said, holding back my swiftly approaching release. There was something so hot, so forbidden about letting go and existing only for Charlie’s pleasure, especially when he was too needy to even stop and take our clothes off. “I’m close.”
“Me—too,” he choked out. “It’s—oh, fuck!
” Charlie’s hips kicked into mine, spasming uncontrollably while he shuddered and pulsed against me.
To my surprise, a wet patch formed on the front of his joggers, and the thought of Charlie being so overwhelmed, so turned on just from dry-humping that he came in his pants had me coming in my pants.
I panted and groaned into his neck, squeezing him so tight he couldn’t have disappeared even if he tried. By the time my own release soaked through, we’d created an unpleasant, tacky mess between us.
I kissed his cheek and ran a hand through his soft hair. “Alright?”
“Mmhmm,” he mumbled, tucking his face farther into the crook of my neck.
I chuckled. “We’ve gotta get up and change, baby, or we’re gonna get uncomfortable real quick.”
He peered down between us, that impossible color still high in his cheeks. “Sorry for dirtying your pants.”
I pulled his chin up to look at me. “That was the single hottest experience of my life. Don’t apologize for coming all over yourself in my arms, because if I have it my way, you’re going to be doing that again,” I peppered a kiss against his cheek, “and again,” his nose, “and again,” his mouth.
“You’re good at that,” he mumbled with a pout on his adorable face.
“Good at what?”
“Smooth-talking me.”
I laughed. Deep and full. “I promise you, I’m not. I just know what I want, and I want you. All the time.”
He eyed me before shuffling off. I stood too, following his movements a bit helplessly, like a string pulled tight between us whenever we grew too far apart.
I wasn’t going to say that weird, needy shit out loud, though.
“Right, I’ll warm up some water to clean off,” I said.
Charlie grinned at me. “You do that,” before he blinked away, reappearing a second later back in his normal clothes, sticky cum pants a pile on the floor.
I glared at him. “Not fair.”