Chapter 1
Josiah rubbed one hand over his face. "I do not want to be here this evening."
"I am well aware of that," his friend returned, with a shrug. "But I have been quite determined not to let you sulk at your estate for the entirety of the Season. Therefore, you are here now in London and you are going to enjoy yourself. What more delight could there be than this?"
Scowling, Josiah folded his arms over his chest and glowered at the gathered crowd as if they were solely responsible for all the displeasure he felt at present.
"You are much too downhearted," Lord Worthington continued, spreading out his arms wide. "Look here! See how many lovely young ladies are present, simply waiting for your company!"
"And if I do not want to give it?"
Lord Worthington sighed heavily and shook his head. "Must you be in such a foul temper? Especially when you will not tell me what has happened to make you so?"
Josiah said nothing. Worthington had visited in February and noticed the change in him at once --- had badgered and cajoled until Josiah, worn down and unable to explain why he wished to stay hidden at his estate, had agreed to come to London.
Now it was mid-April. The Season had barely begun, and already he wished himself anywhere but here.
"You are determined to be difficult, then," Lord Worthington finished, clicking his tongue in displeasure. "I do not know why you must be so. I do wish you would explain it to me."
"There is nothing to say," Josiah replied, with a scowl. "Trust me, my friend, it is a sorry tale and not one that I wish to repeat."
Lord Worthington lifted an eyebrow but Josiah said nothing more, keeping his arms folded and his scowl fixed in place.
There was nothing here that he wanted to be a part of, nothing that would bring him any delight.
He should have found the strength to refuse Lord Worthington but his friend had worn him down until he had been forced to agree.
Mayhap he should have been stronger in his determinations.
Mayhap he should have refused, should have held out until Lord Worthington had been the one to give in.
But I am here now, he told himself, wondering if he ought to pull himself out of his regret and try to focus his attentions now on simply being present. I cannot return home, not now that all the arrangements have been made.
"I am concerned for you, my friend."
Josiah pushed his thoughts away and then looked back at his friend.
His heart flooded with a little guilt as he realized that Lord Worthington was doing nothing more than what he thought best, responding to Josiah's melancholy in the only way he could think to do --- and this without any explanation from Josiah himself.
"I thought London would lift your spirits," his friend continued, his brows now sitting heavily over his eyes. "There are many wonderful young ladies that would delight in the attentions of an Earl!"
A scowl returned to Josiah's face in an instant.
"And if you are not interested in flirting or the like, then there are bound to be many other entertainments," Lord Worthington continued, speaking hastily now. "There will be soirees, card games, excellent brandy, fireworks... all in the name of good fun."
Josiah's scowl lingered. "The majority of those who come to London for the Season come in the hope of securing a suitable match," he said, as Lord Worthington shrugged. "I am not inclined towards such a thing. Nor do I want any young lady to think that I have any interest in them."
"Then cards and brandy it is!"
This made the edge of Josiah's lips shift upwards. "Yes, I suppose that is so," he agreed, as Lord Worthington grinned, seeming to be relieved that he had made Josiah smile even a little. "And you, my friend? Are you seeking to make a match this Season?"
A flush of red came into Lord Worthington's face but he did not drop his steady gaze from Josiah's face. "Yes, I am."
This made Josiah's eyebrows lift in surprise.
"I have decided that since it is my duty to take a wife and produce the heir, I shall not delay in fulfilling that duty," he said, firmly.
"I have no brother, as you know, so the line would then fall to a cousin of mine.
A cousin who is not in the least bit worthy of it!
Therefore, I must make sure to find a wife and have the child produced within the shortest time possible. "
"Nine months, I think," Josiah said, dryly as Lord Worthington chuckled. "From the day of your wedding, however. Not before, no matter how much you might desire it."
The smile on Lord Worthington's face vanished and he drew himself up. "I am a gentleman!" he exclaimed, making Josiah's face heat with embarrassment over his own foolish remark. "I would never dream of treating a young lady with such disregard!"
"I am sure you would not," Josiah answered, trying to soothe his friend. "I did not mean to suggest otherwise. It was only a teasing remark, Worthington, please do accept my apology."
This slowly began to quieten Lord Worthington's upset, much to Josiah's relief.
"I thank you," he said, after a moment or two. "I shall accept it. I am glad to know that you think well of me after all."
"More than well," Josiah replied, firmly.
"I know that you are doing your very best to encourage me by demanding that I come to London and in forcing me to come to Lord Suffolk's ball.
" He countered this with a wry smile which, thankfully, Lord Worthington responded to with a quiet chuckle.
"I do not know what I can do to assist you but if there is anything that I might do to aid you in your search for a suitable young lady, then I would be glad to do it.
I understand that such things can be of a more personal nature, however. "
"I appreciate your support," Lord Worthington replied, eyeing Josiah carefully. "You say that you know such things can be of a personal nature, then?"
A little confused, Josiah nodded. "Yes, of course."
"Because you have experienced such a thing."
"Why, yes, I ---" Josiah closed his eyes, snapping his mouth closed but not before he had caught Lord Worthington's wide eyes. He had said more than he had meant to and had given a good deal more away than he had wanted --- and now his friend would, no doubt, press him for more details.
"I see." Lord Worthington's tone was not filled with glee as Josiah might have expected. Instead, he sounded almost sorrowful. "Your heart has sustained an injury, then?"
An injury? Josiah thought to himself, eyeing Lord Worthington's set expression carefully. No, not an injury. It feels as if my heart has been ripped right out of my chest.
"Perhaps."
With a slow nod, Lord Worthington shrugged. "Then I shall leave that with you. If you wish to tell me of it at some point, know that I am ready to listen to you."
Surprised at his friend's lack of willingness to press Josiah for further details, Josiah studied his friend's face, waiting for him to ask for more details... but he did not. Eventually, after some minutes of quiet, Lord Worthington smiled and then gestured to the path ahead of them.
"Might I suggest that we meander around the room and see what other acquaintances we might meet? I would be glad to introduce you to anyone you are not yet acquainted with."
Including young ladies? Josiah was almost about to protest, was almost about to state that no, he did not want such a thing, only to bite back his words before they could be spoken. His friend was doing all he could to help Josiah's mood and he should not be so willing to turn away from it.
"Very well."
"Capital!" Lord Worthington chuckled as he nudged Josiah. "You may not be interested in the young ladies present in London but I can assure you that I most certainly am. Look there! Three very fine young ladies indeed, I must say!"
Josiah allowed his gaze to follow where Lord Worthington had gestured to, only for his breath to pull into his chest and his whole body to wash with a sudden chill.
It had been months since he had last seen Lady Clara and, in truth, he had dreaded this moment --- but had not expected it to be upon him so soon!
She was smiling at something someone else had said but, to his eyes, it was not a genuine smile.
It did not light her hazel eyes in the way he had come to know so well.
Look away, he told himself, his gaze still firmly fixed to her face. Look away before she notices you.
He could not. The dull ache in his heart grew to such a fervor, it began to become painful and Josiah grimaced, desperate to take his eyes from her but still quite unable to do the very thing he desired.
The longing within his heart was still there, betraying him and mocking him with the severity of it --- and that even with all of the agony and torment he had endured these last few months.
"You have had your attention caught by one of them, I can see!" Lord Worthington laughed and slapped Josiah on the back and that action pulled Josiah free from her.
He turned away bodily, his heart still pounding, his mouth dry and his hands curling and uncurling.
Lord Worthington was saying something else but Josiah could not hear him, the only sound now a buzzing in his ears.
He stepped away, not knowing where he was going, not certain as to where he was headed but eager only to get away from Lady Clara --- as far from her as he could.
I should never have come to London.
Lord Worthington put a hand on Josiah's shoulder, his exclamation loud enough that Josiah feared Lady Clara would hear him. "My friend, whatever is the matter?"
Josiah turned, glanced at his friend and then looked over his shoulder to where Lady Clara still stood. She had not turned her head in his direction, had not yet looked at him and Josiah released a slow breath in an attempt to calm himself.
"I am going to take my leave."
Lord Worthington's eyes rounded. "Leave? But why?"
Closing his eyes, Josiah shook his head. "Do not ask me."
"It is because of that young lady, is it not?" Lord Worthington's hand tightened on Josiah's shoulder. "If there is something between you that you cannot speak of, then please ---"
"Do not ask me, I beg of you." Josiah, caught somewhere between anger and upset, shook off his friend's hand. "I am to go to White's. Excuse me."
Without another word and without any intention of giving Lord Worthington an explanation, Josiah moved away quickly, determined to reach the door of the ballroom and make his way from it at once.
Nothing could keep him here, nothing could have him tied to this place.
He had to escape it, had to escape her. She had broken his heart once already and Josiah was not about to let her do the very same thing again.
How much he wished his heart had been able to forget her!
How much he despised himself for still clinging to her!
Josiah threw open the door. A footman scrambled to catch it as he strode outside, the cool air calming his hot face. The darkness was a welcome, a quiet haven against his tormented soul.
Waiting for his carriage, Josiah let out long, slow breaths in an attempt to steady himself but the vision of her remained in his mind, lingering there no matter how much he tried to throw it aside.
Why can I not forget her?
Josiah lowered his head and shoved his hands into his hair, gripping hard. One look. That was all it had taken to undo four months of trying to forget her.
"But I must."
Speaking aloud, Josiah lifted his head and looked out at the darkness, his chest still heaving with deep, heavy breaths.
Could it be that his friend was correct?
That coming to London might be the only way to chase away this melancholy?
If he was here, then might he not flirt and laugh and smile with the many young ladies who were here seeking a match?
It did not mean that he would have to seek out a match himself and certainly did not mean that he would be looking to find a bride but he could enjoy himself, could he not?
It might be a way for him to forget about Lady Clara given that nothing else thus far had worked.
The carriage came and stood, waiting for him to step inside. Josiah hesitated, looking over his shoulder again at the open door that would lead him back inside to the ballroom.
With a deep breath, he set his shoulders, dismissed the carriage and turned back inside. It was time for him to find a way to forget her, once and for all.