Chapter 3
Josiah looked askance at his friend. "I am not sure about this."
"You are not sure about anything," Lord Worthington replied, with a sigh and a wave of his hand. "Goodness, my friend! It is only the fashionable hour."
Sitting back in the carriage, Josiah let his head loll back against the squabs, his heart heavy.
He had been in London now for a little over a sennight but within that time, he had been introduced to so many new acquaintances, it nearly made his head spin.
He had told himself it was a good thing, however, for he was then able to set Lady Clara right out of his thoughts and instead focus on the young ladies who were interested in his company, even if he himself had no intention of pursuing any of them.
That being said, it was still a difficulty when it came to seeing Lady Clara.
He had often caught sight of her, given that they attended the same social occasions.
They had not spoken as yet and Josiah had no intention of entering into any sort of conversation with her at any juncture.
"If you truly do not wish to attend, then the carriage can take you to the other end of the park, which might be a little quieter.
" Lord Worthington's tone had lost some of the frustration which had sat within it before now.
"You are still a little melancholy, I know, even though you do your best to hide it from us all. "
Josiah sent a sharp look towards Lord Worthington but his friend only smiled and shrugged as if to ask what else Josiah expected, given that they were very close friends indeed. A scowl began to pull at his lips, only for Josiah to sigh and then scrub one hand over his face.
"I am not as melancholy as I was," he stated, as his friend nodded his agreement. "I am only a trifle sorrowful, which is an improvement."
"And is there any reason for that melancholy still?"
Another long sigh broke from Josiah's lips, aware that his friend still had not heard the truth and was, clearly, still hoping to understand it.
He did not have the strength nor the desire to continue to keep it all a secret and, with another long breath, he spread out his hands. "I was in love. That is all."
Lord Worthington's eyebrows shot towards his hairline. "Love?"
Josiah nodded. "Yes. With a young lady."
"You were in love?" Lord Worthington's astonishment seemed to know no bounds. "I would never have thought that you, being the sort of gentleman you are, would have ever allowed yourself to fall in love."
"Well, I did." Somewhat embarrassed given his friend's strong reaction, Josiah winced and then shrugged, looking away from Lord Worthington.
"I fell in love with Lady Clara. My estate is a short distance from her brother's estate and, for some reason, we were never introduced.
Not until last November." He did not hear Lord Worthington's swift intake of breath, his mind going back to the very first moment he had seen Lady Clara.
She had come into the room on the arm of her brother, her eyes curious and her smile gentle.
The way her gaze had caught his and the pink which had instantly flushed her cheeks had caught a hold of him and Josiah, even now, could not help but think of that moment with pleasure.
"We quickly found ourselves eager to continue on our connection but Christmas Day and Twelfth Night were fast approaching. "
"And so you decided to wait until after the festivities to speak with her brother," Lord Worthington correctly assumed. "But what then? Why is it that you are not engaged or married to her now?"
Pain struck Josiah so hard, he had to grit his teeth for a moment or two.
"Because," he began, trying to speak with great care so as not to cause himself any further injury, "even though we had shared a kiss and a promise --- a promise that she would accept me when the time came --- I received a letter. "
Lord Worthington's brows furrowed.
"This letter stated that we could no longer be connected in the way we had been," Josiah continued, his heart beginning to ache as the words on his lips sent arrows to his heart.
"She told me that it was all at an end, that I was not to speak with her brother and that she could not see me again.
And then the letter ended and that was that. "
There came silence between them for a few moments, only for Lord Worthington to let out an exclamation. "That is all? There was no reason given for her sudden departure from you?"
Josiah shook his head no. "My letters were returned to me, unopened and unread. I can only assume that she was playing me for a fool, pretending to be interested in me and my company."
"That does not make much sense, does it?"
The question had Josiah looking back at his friend with interest. "Why do you say that?"
"Because a young lady of her standing, with her reputation and the like.
.. she would need to be very careful indeed!
To have her connection with you known by others only to then pull away, well that might very well damage her good standing.
That is very risky indeed, especially if she is a young lady of quality who intended to come to London for the Season! "
Josiah shrugged. "As I have said, no real reason was given," he said, with another small sigh.
"My letters were unanswered, my desires pushed aside and my heart left to shatter.
That is why I have been so downhearted for my only thought is that she was speaking falsely when she told me of her affections.
But my heart cannot believe that --- or it simply refuses to, I cannot tell which. "
Lord Worthington let out air between his teeth and shook his head. "That is a very poor state of affairs." His expression suddenly brightened. "But she is here in London now, is she not? Why do you not speak with her?"
A harsh laugh broke from Josiah's lips. "Speak with Clara? Demand that she explain all to me?"
His friend's eyes rounded. "Why do you laugh? There is a perfectly good suggestion here for you and you mock it?"
Josiah quickly pulled the smile from his lips. "I do not mean to mock you, my friend. That is not my intention, truly. I am only saying that I do not think such a thing would be of any use to me. What good would it do?"
"It would give you an understanding as to why the lady you loved stepped away from you as she did. That might give your broken heart an opportunity to heal."
"Or I could continue on making my way through society and making certain that I am acquainted with as many young ladies as I can be, in the hope that one of them might steal my attention in the way Lady Clara once did," Josiah responded, dismissing the idea outright.
"No, I do not have any intention of courtship or engagement but I can allow myself to enjoy good company and engage in a little light flirtation!
That way, I will be able to set Clara out of my mind and my heart for good. "
Lord Worthington clicked his tongue and shook his head. "I do not think that it will work, my friend. You need to know the reason for Lady Clara setting you aside as she did, else your heart will never heal fully, I am quite sure of it."
Josiah kept back his first, sharp response and did his best to consider what his friend was saying.
The second time he had seen Lady Clara, he had noticed tears on her cheeks --- actual tears, hastily pressed away with a borrowed handkerchief.
That had unsettled him more than he cared to admit.
She had been the one to end things. Why, then, should she weep at the sight of him?
"You have gone very quiet, my friend."
Josiah glanced at his friend, then looked out of the carriage window.
"Lady Clara and I have not yet spoken," he said, speaking quietly.
"But we have taken notice of each other.
When she saw me, she began to cry. I confess, I was a little confused by that reaction.
" He did not know why he was telling his friend this, given that he himself had decided to set it aside, but all the same, he had some comfort in speaking as he did.
"She was the one who wrote that letter. Why, then, should she be so sorrowful over it? "
"A very good question indeed," Lord Worthington agreed, with a lift of his shoulders. "Perhaps that is something you ought to speak with her about."
Josiah snorted at this and shook his head. "No, I do not think so. That is a part of my past --- a part that I am doing my utmost to step away from. The last thing I need is to return to her again and let my heart begin to pull in that direction once more!"
"Then you are still drawn to her?" Lord Worthington asked, his voice quiet and making Josiah flush at the question both in his eyes and in his voice. "You think that if you draw near to her, you will once more find your heart yearning for her?"
Josiah hesitated, then shook his head. "I hope I would be a good deal stronger than that," he said, as the carriage came to a stop. "But there is always a danger of that, given that I was so very much in love."
Lord Worthington considered this for a few moments, then nodded slowly. "Yes, I can well understand that. Perhaps her tears were only because she now regrets what she did."
With a lurch, Josiah's heart tumbled over itself at Lord Worthington's words.
He had not ever thought of that --- but what did it matter if she was regretful?
It was not as if he had any intention of setting all that he had endured to one side and simply forgiving her for it all?
No, what she had done by that letter was much too severe to be so blithely ignored.
"Are you going to come and join me in the park or not?
" Lord Worthington opened the door of the carriage and Josiah looked out, seeing the vast swathes of gentlemen and ladies already filling the space.
"If you wish, I can have the driver take the carriage around and you need not do anything but stay within it and hide yourself away. "
Josiah rolled his eyes. "As if that would not draw the attention of the ton," he remarked, climbing out of the carriage after his friend.
"Someone would see me, slumped inside and hiding away and would, no doubt, speak of it to others and within a few hours, there would be a rumor going around about me and my reasons for doing such a thing. "
Lord Worthington chuckled and then slapped Josiah on the back, making him jerk forward. "Then it is all the more reason to put a smile on your face, speak well to all of those who are present and in doing so, make certain that there is nothing negative said of you."
A thought stopped him. He caught Lord Worthington's arm. "My friend, please promise me that you will not speak to anyone about what I have shared with you."
"Of course not." Lord Worthington's expression instantly changed from laughter to seriousness. "You know me better than that, I hope? I would never reveal something so private, especially when I see now my own selfishness."
Josiah frowned. "Selfishness?"
"I have been pushing you to tell me all that has been on your mind, eager to know the reason for your upset and quietness but perhaps I should not have done. Mayhap I should have waited for you to speak as you wished instead of being so demanding."
"I think I am grateful that you chose to be so," Josiah admitted, a little embarrassed. "I have not shared my upset with anyone as yet and now, I think, the burden has lessened a little."
"Then I am glad I pushed you to speak," Lord Worthington grinned, his easy nature returning in a moment. "But come now, let us continue on our way. There will be many young ladies eager to speak with you and soon, I am sure, you will have forgotten all about Lady Clara."
I must hope so, Josiah thought to himself, his stomach twisting gently as he followed after Lord Worthington. For I should very much like my heart to forget her entirely and just as quickly as possible.
"Cousin! Good afternoon!"
Josiah turned, then let a smile brush across his expression. "Prentis. How very good to see you." He shook his cousin's hand. "Is your mother present with you?"
Lord Prentis shook his head. "No, she remained at home with Isobella, for she is to be married very soon and there are a good many details that need to be arranged.
They will come to London soon but, in the meantime, I am here to chaperone Deborah.
" He winced. "My mother has also reminded me that I am to find my own match also. So I do have that duty also."
Josiah chuckled at the rueful look on his cousin's face. "I do not think that finding a suitable young lady to marry is as dreadful as you make out!"
Lord Prentis laughed and shrugged. "I suppose that is true. But I have been very much enjoying my bachelorhood and am loath to give it up." He looked at Josiah, his smile settling. "And you? Are you to make a match this Season?"
Before he could answer, Josiah's attention was caught by a young lady.
A young lady who glanced at him but then turned her face away.
His stomach lurched, his heart beginning to tear as he forced his attention away from Lady Clara.
"It is the duty of every gentleman to find a suitable match, is it not?
" he said, his voice a little louder than before, seeing Lady Clara's eyes flicking to his for only a moment.
Perhaps it was harsh of him to speak so, perhaps he was being cruel in his determination to have her hear him but, as the pain of what her letter had done surfaced once more, Josiah could not help himself.
Raising his chin a little, he forced a smile he did not feel as he spoke in that same, loud voice.
"It is my duty to make an excellent match this Season and I have every intention of doing so. "