Chapter 8
Josiah held Lady Clara's gaze steadily, ignoring the way his heart yearned for him to draw close to her. She was finally standing so near to him, only a few steps away but she was still so very distant.
Worthington's words echoed in his mind from the night before --- listen to what she has to say. You owe her that much. He had come here sober, clear-headed, and determined to do exactly that, even if every instinct told him to guard what remained of his battered heart.
"Clara," he said, making sure to keep his tone detached. "I believe you owe me an explanation."
He watched as she swallowed hard, her gaze pulling away from him. "Yes, I do," she admitted, her voice soft. "First of all, Rutland, let me sincerely apologise for all the pain, sorrow and confusion that you have endured. It was never my intention for these things to come upon you."
Josiah said nothing, watching her closely. Dare he believe what she was saying? His only other choice was to think that she had written that letter because she had never truly cared for him as he had believed.
"As I have told you, I did not ever want to write that letter," she continued, her voice breaking, her eyes downcast. "I had no other choice."
"So you said," Josiah replied, with a sniff. "I am not sure that I believe you."
Lady Clara closed her eyes tightly. "I can understand why you would not. To receive that letter from me after all that we had shared must have broken your heart."
And yet, I cannot rid you from my heart.
"I will tell you the truth and you can choose whether to believe me or not," she continued, the quietness of her voice forcing him a little closer to her.
"I want to begin by telling you that all that I said to you the night of the Christmas ball was from my heart.
" Slowly, her eyes pulled to his and Josiah's heart lurched at the pain he saw there.
"I meant every word, Rutland. I truly did. "
What could he say to that? Did he believe her? Trust her? His heart certainly wanted to.
"The following day, I was writing a letter to Lady Alice when my mother came into the room and informed me that I would have to write to you also.
I was a little embarrassed to realize that she knew of our connection when we had not yet made it known to any of them but it was what she said next that tore me apart.
" Tears glistened in her eyes as she held his gaze steadily.
"She insisted that I write to you and end any hope of moving towards courtship.
I was to be clear and blunt, telling you that there could be nothing more between us but without giving any explanation as to why. "
Josiah blinked, hearing truth in her voice and seeing it in her eyes. "But what was the reason?" he asked, a little hoarsely. "Why did you end our connection?"
She spread out her hands. "I do not know."
A frown pulled hard at his forehead. "I do not understand."
"I do not know, even to this day, why I had to write that letter."
"Your mother did not give you any explanation?"
Shutting her eyes, Lady Clara let out a ragged breath.
"It was not my mother who insisted upon it.
She was the one who informed me of what I had to do, yes, but it was my brother's insistence that forced my hand.
" Opening her eyes, she took a step closer to him, her hand reaching out as if she wanted to grasp his hand, only to let it drop back to her side again.
"Believe me, I pleaded with him to explain.
I tried to demand answers only to be met with threats --- threats that would have forced me into a future with a gentleman I did not want to marry or a future of solitude and loneliness.
" A single tear dropped to her cheek and Josiah's heart exploded in agony.
"He sent my mother to make the demands because he thought I would listen to her more than I would listen to him.
My mother did not understand either, she still has no explanation for why our families must stay apart.
" Her shoulders lifted and then dropped.
"I was not even allowed to read any letter you wrote to me in response.
My brother intercepted all and any letters. "
Josiah searched his heart to see if there was any part of him that did not believe that she was telling the truth. When her eyes met his, tears shimmering like diamonds, any remaining barriers he had placed around his heart fell in an instant.
I cannot help but believe her.
And yet, even as his heart yielded, his mind turned the facts over with a cooler logic.
Her brother was the Marquess of Tyrone --- the head of her family, with full authority over her prospects and her future.
It was not unheard of for a brother in such a position to intervene in a sister's attachments.
Josiah himself could think of half a dozen families where the eldest son had vetoed a match for reasons of politics, or finance, or alliance.
It was the way of things. He did not like it --- not when it was his match that had been vetoed --- but he could not pretend it was extraordinary.
What was extraordinary was the silence. The refusal to explain. That was what troubled him.
"I did write to you." Josiah dropped his gaze, afraid that if he kept looking at her he would close the distance between them entirely. He spread his hands wide. "I did not understand. I wanted to know the reason behind your separation from me but you did not respond."
"That is because I could not."
He nodded, then glanced at her before turning his head away, looking over to his left for the tear-stained face presented to him was nothing short of agony to his heart.
"I told myself that it was all a pretense.
I tried to believe that you were doing nothing other than lying to me when you told me of your affection. "
A half sob broke from her lips but Josiah only shook his head, still refusing to look at her.
"I could not bring myself to fully believe it, however," he continued on, his lips curving into a half smile, rueful and wistful in equal measure.
"I wanted to. I wanted to tell myself that there was nothing more between us than pretense and lies but whenever I remembered the kiss we had shared and the joy that had been in your eyes in that moment, my heart set me back from that thought. "
"There is nothing true about that," she replied, tears still in her voice and in her eyes. "I can well understand why you must have thought it and indeed, I was so afraid of what you would believe of me. But there was nothing I could do to change it."
"And you still do not know what it is that has separated us both?"
Lady Clara shook her head. "My brother has insisted that I stay back from you.
He has told me that I cannot even be seen in your company, that we cannot talk or dance or walk together.
If I am seen with you, then he will take me back to our estate without hesitation.
" Her shoulders dropped. "It is as if you are an enemy when you are, in fact, the very opposite. "
Before Josiah could say anything more or stop her from doing so, she had walked towards him, leaving only a step or two between them.
He inhaled the sweet scent of lavender, his senses swirling as his eyes held fast to hers.
All he had to do was reach out and take her hand, to let his fingers touch hers and then, he knew without doubt, his world would explode with light and color --- something that he had been entirely devoid of these last few months.
"I do not know if I dare ask this but..." Lady Clara shut her eyes and trembled visibly. "Rutland, this is a step too far, mayhap and indeed, it was not even my own idea but it came from Alice."
Josiah licked his lips, curling his fingers up tightly into a fist so he would not reach out to her.
As much as he might want to, if he did so and if he permitted himself such a joy, would it not then be pulled away from him all over again when she stepped back?
She had already made it clear that they were not permitted to be connected in any way so why torture himself all over again? "What is it, Clara?"
Flecks of gold swirled in her hazel eyes as she opened them again.
"In our time apart, I have never lost any affection for you, Rutland.
I am foolish to believe or to hope that it might be the same for you also, given what I have done, but ---" She closed her eyes again, seeming to find it too difficult to speak whilst looking back at him.
"I want to know the truth. I want to understand why we were set apart.
I have no thought as to how to go about such an investigation especially when my brother will not say a word to me about it, but I must understand why.
" Her eyes opened again, tears returning to glimmer gently.
"If there is even the smallest hope that our love might be rekindled, then I see now that it is worth pursuing this mystery to its end.
But I fully understand if you do not feel the same way as I. "
Every part of him wanted to say yes. The word was there, rising in his chest --- but his mind caught it before it could reach his lips. To know the reason behind their separation was one thing. But what would it lead to? Would they truly find happiness again, or only more heartbreak?
"I am not sure what to do," he said, slowly, seeing the light fade from her eyes as she nodded her head and then closed her eyes again, dashing tears away from them. "Even if we did find out the reason, there is no promise of ever returning to one another, is there?"
Mute, she shook her head, her eyes still closed.
"It might give us clarity but it would only bring further pain," Josiah finished, still not certain if this was what he wanted to do. "I must ---"
"I understand." She broke into his words, one hand at her heart.
"Thank you for coming to speak with me, Rutland, for listening to all I had to say.
I am only sorry that I did not have any more answers for you.
" Her eyes opened and, appearing hurried and almost a trifle frantic now, she bobbed a curtsy and then, before he could say anything more, stepped away.
Josiah opened his mouth to call her name but snapped it closed again, knowing he could not do such a thing in public especially when they were meant to be separated from each other.
Gritting his teeth, he squeezed his eyes closed and dragged in air to his tight lungs, frustrated with himself that he had not been clearer.
Yes, he could say easily enough that there were good reasons for them not to pursue the truth but was that what his heart wanted?
Was he truly contented to stay back from her, not knowing the truth as to why they had been separated and would continue to be so?
I cannot risk my heart again.
His eyes caught on her as she walked through the bookshop below him, going directly to where Lady Alice and her mother now stood.
The scent of lavender lingered where she had been standing and Josiah closed his eyes against it, against the memory of how near she had been, how much he had wanted to reach out and take her hand in his.
I love her still.
The admission, even silent, cost him something.
He pushed one hand through his hair and gazed up at the ceiling, frustration and longing twining together until he could not tell them apart.
He could continue as he had been --- setting her aside, accepting the silence, letting whatever remained of their love wither for want of answers.
Or he could dare to be bold and push forward into this mystery, in the faint hope that somehow, in some way, they might find a path forward, together.