Chapter Thirty
When the time came to retire to their rooms to get ready for dinner, Sophia had never been more relieved.
She’d thought Glanmore House in London was huge, but the seat of the dukedom was on a different scale altogether.
During the tour, given by the housekeeper, her whole family had been almost completely silent.
Already stunned into silence by her stern talk in the carriage, her sisters had been quieter than normal anyway.
With each room they were led through, Sophia saw something else, something heavier, settle on them.
Perhaps Marrisa finally understood the power and the wealth of the duke.
Or maybe they were overwhelmed by the idea that they were going to be related to something as grand as this.
Whatever the reason, it was impacting her parents too, who were as grave and as silent as her sisters.
The whole thing was disorientating and almost as draining as when her family were loud and demanding.
Christopher had joined them on the tour, making a quip that he needed to become reacquainted with the house after many years of not visiting the property.
He had kept up a lively commentary throughout, but she had seen the strain of their lack of response in his tight eyes whenever he glanced her way.
For her part, she tried not to keep staring at him, but in this setting he seemed even further out of her reach than ever before.
In two days this magical creature would be her husband and it was becoming ever harder to hide from the enormity of it.
The idea that this man, who was full of light and who wanted nothing more than to travel the world and see it in all its glory, would be tethered to her, tied up in a way he had never wanted, made her skin itch.
And yes, she knew she should be thinking of herself in all this.
She was not so woefully ignorant that she hadn’t understood Christopher’s frustration that she was putting others before herself.
Deep down it was thinking about herself that was causing all her disquiet.
She had always been the boring sister, the one who pointed out the practical problems with the flights of fancy her sisters liked to take.
Now she was going to be doing that for the rest of her life with a man who would only come to resent her and she did not know how she would live with that.
Her feelings for Christopher were bigger than she cared to think about.
He had the power to hurt her and when he began to disdain her like her sisters did, it would have the power to destroy her completely.
There was a knock at her door, presumably a maid to help her dress, which was just as well as nothing in her portmanteau seemed suitable for such a grand residence. Perhaps someone else could help her make her dress for this evening look grander, or at least disguise the lack of opulence.
Pulling open the door, she froze when she found Christopher standing there.
‘You cannot be here,’ she said, glancing down the long corridor where not a soul was in sight.
‘If I am caught, we will be forced to wed,’ he said. ‘I cannot really see the point of worrying about that at this stage. May I come in?’
She should say no, but he did make a valid point.
It was not as if the situation could get more ruinous.
They were getting married the day after tomorrow anyway.
She stepped to the side to allow him entry then closed the door behind him, her fingers trembling as she turned the key in the lock.
The click of it moving into place seemed to set Christopher off, as if she were releasing him from a cage.
‘I cannot take it any more,’ he said, striding to the centre of the room and pushing his hands through his hair.
‘I will do whatever you want, call the wedding off, dance naked in the rain, become a monk, anything, but please, I am begging you, please tell me what it will take to get you to smile again.’
‘I…’
‘Will marrying me really be that bad? No, do not answer. Your misery over the last few weeks has made it abundantly clear that it will. I thought I was doing the right thing, but that cannot be true if the idea of being bound to me for life is slowly killing everything inside you that makes you truly special. So, please, tell me what I can do to make it better?’
Christopher, her always smiling, always joking betrothed, looked on the verge of tears and all because of her. It was unthinkable, unfathomable. ‘It is not you…’
‘Of course it is me.’ He ran his fingers through his hair again, the long strands standing on end.
‘You do not want to be tied to a man who races pigs or is foolhardy enough to rush harum-scarum down to Brighton to win some ridiculous competition because he is bored and thinks it will be a great lark. I do not blame you. I was a… a… deuced… fool.’
‘No.’ She strode up to him and placed her hands on his chest. He looked wretched and she couldn’t stand that she was responsible. ‘I am sorry if I have made you feel in any way like this is about you.’
‘It must be a little about me,’ he said, softer now that she was standing close to him, touching him. Beneath her fingers, his chest was firm, his ribs rising and falling quickly.
‘I suppose, in a way. But it is not because I think you will be a bad husband, or that I do not like all that you are. I do. Like you, that is. You are kind and friendly and warm and everyone who knows you loves spending time with you. I am one of them and if I have made you feel differently about that, then I am sorry.’ She bit her bottom lip, wondering whether to keep going, but then, if they did not have the truth between them, what was the point?
‘Only, I am going to be such a disappointing wife for you and I cannot stand it.’
His eyes widened. ‘What the devil do you mean by that?’
‘You deserve someone different from me, someone who matches you for fun and is not the least bit boring. One day, you will turn around and realise what a poor bargain you have made, and that will be hard for me to live with.’
His large hands settled on her waist, the warmth of him seeping through her dress.
‘Sophia, you do not see yourself properly, but that is fine. We have a lifetime for me to show you just how special you are. There has not been a single moment of our acquaintance that I have been bored. I have been intrigued, baffled, delighted, frustrated and, until a few moments ago, wretchedly upset, but I have not once, at any point, been bored. I have witnessed enough of you interacting with your family to understand where you have gained this ridiculous notion that you are dull, but quite frankly it is nonsense. Your sisters, if you will forgive me for saying so, need to grow up a little. Perhaps then they will value you for the wonderful person you are. In the meantime, it is their loss and my gain that I get to understand the true you.’
‘Oh.’ Her heart was taking flight in her chest, trying to burst free of her ribs. Nobody had ever said anything so wonderful to her before.
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Is that a good oh or a bad one?’
‘It was a surprised one.’
‘It should not be. But during our marriage, I am going to make you see just how magnificent you truly are.’
Somehow, without moving, the gap between them was getting smaller. His hands slipped around her until they were on the base of her spine. Her fingers slid up his chest and around his neck, the soft strands of his hair falling over her skin.
‘None of this changes the fact that you are being forced into marrying me when you would rather not.’ This aspect of their relationship would always be hard for her to bear.
His eyes were softening, small crinkles appearing in the corners.
‘I will admit that, had I been left to my own devices, I would not have looked to marry anyone. But…’ His fingers tightened on her back as she went to pull away.
‘But… I would have missed getting to know you, which would have been a tragedy.’ Her whole body was flush against his now.
Beneath his tailored clothes his body was firm; right below his jaw seemed like the perfect place to rest her head, but that was for later.
Now she wanted to look into his eyes. ‘Did you know I have as many invitations recently as I usually get?’ he asked, as his fingers began to trace the length of her spine.
‘They have been to engage in activities which would have delighted me last year.’
She shook her head; she couldn’t have spoken even if she had wanted to.
‘I have turned them all down because I have realised that not one of those pastimes is as enjoyable as spending time with you.’ Her heart expanded until it felt twice its normal size, three times, four maybe.
‘I cannot see into the future, but I believe our marriage will be a happy one, if we let it be.’
‘I want that more than anything,’ she said, her smile bubbling up inside her. ‘I think we could be happy. I think we will be particularly so if we make playing pall-mall part of our week, or at least I will. Beating you was great fun.’
‘There you are. You have come back to me,’ said Christopher, his own wide grin breaking across his face. ‘I have mourned the loss of that smile these last weeks.’
He lightly captured it with his lips, pressing a kiss against her.
For long, luxurious minutes, his mouth moved over hers, the soft whisper of his touch stealing her thoughts.
For a while, there was nothing but his hands brushing over her back, his fingers tracing the curve of her shoulder, stealing into her hair.
Happiness began to trickle through her, making her lighter, airy almost.