Chapter 6
SIX
LEXI
After getting home from a balls-to-the-wall first shift at work, I couldn’t sleep.
I dumped to Chloe and cried until I couldn't breathe, and that ran me until my alarm went off to get Natty up for school.
She needed to get dressed and eat. She needed to double-check her backpack to make sure she had everything for her little presentation in class.
So, I made some coffee, chugged it back, and got back to work.
“Morning, Mom,” Natty said groggily as she wobbled out of her room.
I smiled. “Morning, honey. You ready for school today?”
She rubbed her eyes. “Is there anything to eat?”
I slid a plate of peanut butter toast in her direction. “Yes, there is.”
She pulled it toward her. “Milk, please?”
I reached for the glass I had already poured and handed it to her. “There you go, honey.”
She yawned. “We got our science field trip today, remember?”
I paused. “I thought you were doing your presentation today.”
She giggled. “Your brain is mush without coffee, huh? We’re going to the zoo!”
“I’m so sorry for forgetting, honey. You took your permission slip to school, right?”
She nodded. “And the money for the trip. I’m all set.”
“Good, good. Do you need me to pack you a lunch?”
She took a big bite of peanut butter toast. “They’ll have bagged lunches there.”
“Wonderful. Okay. So, are you excited to see any specific animal?”
That set off a tirade of peanut-butter-muddled words, and the only thing I deduced were “puffins,” “elephants,” and “ice cream.” I smiled as I listened, pouring myself another cup of coffee just to keep myself awake long enough to drive her to school.Usually, I’d put her on the bus.
But, this morning? I wanted to take her myself.
My ten-year-old girl was blossoming into a young woman with tastes and loves and wants and wishes all her own.
Some days, I was shocked at how much she had grown over the past decade.
“Mom?”
“Yes, honey?” I asked as I reached for my purse.
“Are you working tonight, too?”
I sighed. “Yes, sweetheart, I am. Why?”
“So, Auntie Chloe’s getting me from school?”
I slid my purse up my shoulder. “More than likely. I need the rest before my shift.”
“You know, if I had a dad, then he could do all of this stuff while you sleep.”
The guilt practically crushed me. “I know, honey. I know.”
The story I fed my daughter whenever she asked was that her father had died.
It was the only thing I could ever spit out without crying or breaking down in front of her, so it became my default story.
Even when she asked to see a picture of him, it was too much on me.
Though, I promised her that one day, when she was older and a bit more grown, I’d show her every single picture I’d ever kept of that man.
Because maybe then, I wouldn’t be as angry as a hornet at that motherfucker.
Thankfully, Natasha never asked how he died, so I never had to elaborate on how it happened.
I let her think whatever she needed to in order to feel less abandoned.
I mean, what the hell was I supposed to tell her?
That her father went off on a deployment and never came back?
That for all I knew, he had been dead? Or captured?
Before he just showed up at the hospital last night?
Natty was the one that asked one day if her father was dead, and I didn’t know any better at the time. So, I told her that yes. He was dead. But, now that I knew Dean was clearly alive, I realized how much of a lie I had been living all of these years.
I realized how little Dean actually loved me.
And I felt a need to shield my daughter from the pain I knew he’d bring into her world.
“Mom?” Natty asked.
I held out my hand for her. “Ready to head to school?”
She slid her little hand into mine. “I’m sorry if I made you sad.”
I crouched in front of her and cupped her cheek. “You could never make me sad. I’m just so sorry that you don’t have a father like some of the other kids in your class.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me close. “It’s okay, Mom. I have you to love me double times, and Auntie Chloe is awesome. I have the best family ever.”
I blinked back tears as I hugged her tightly. “Come on, let’s get you to school so you don’t miss the bus for the zoo.”
“I’ll make sure to bring back pictures of the puffins!”
We sang songs in the car all the way to school, and when I dropped her off, she rushed around to my side of the car and gave me one last kiss.
Her little lips stole my breath away every time they touched my cheek, and as she rushed into school with her little backpack bouncing against her body, I thought about all of the moments Dean had missed.
Her birth.
Her first steps.
Losing her first tooth.
The first night she ever cried for a man that didn’t exist because she was burning up with a fever.
And as the cars behind me in the car-rider lane honked their horns to try and get me out of the way, all I thought about was how much I wanted to put my fist through Dean’s face.
Which made for a restless day’s sleep.