Chapter 21 Roan
ROAN
Rage pulsed through me, punctuated by an icy, stabbing fear. Neither was an emotion I welcomed. Hell, I didn’t welcome feelings of any sort. Nothing extreme. I lived for the slow and steady, the calm.
Right now, I was anything but those things.
“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” I snarled.
Aspen reared back, and I knew I should’ve taken more time to reel in my emotions.
“Dial it back a notch,” Lawson warned.
“This is something we needed to know,” I gritted out.
Lawson released his hold on his mug. “When did you receive the letter?”
“A couple of days ago at my PO box.”
My jaw clenched. “Which means he knows where you are.”
Aspen’s hands trembled as she set her tea down. “He’s in prison. It’s not like he can show up here. If he planned to expose me, he would’ve done it already. He wouldn’t have given me a warning.”
She let out a shaky breath. “John has always gotten a thrill out of letting me know his reach is long. He sent me flowers at my work. Chocolates I’m allergic to at home. He wants me scared, however he can manage it.”
“How do you know the letter was from him?” Lawson asked.
I was envious of my brother in that moment. How easy it was for him to keep his cool. To remain measured, thoughtful, and calm.
“I know his handwriting,” Aspen explained. “Christmas cards, paperwork, crossword puzzles.”
Because the devil had been someone living inside her family, not some stranger attacking from the outside.
“Do you still have the letter?” Lawson asked.
Aspen nodded.
“I’d like to take a look.”
She pushed her chair back and stood. I didn’t miss the shakiness in her limbs. That only made me want to gut the man more. Rip him limb from limb. I felt a desperate, clawing need to know that Aspen was safe and he couldn’t torment her anymore.
“Can you handle this?” Lawson asked, voice low.
My gaze jerked away from the hall and toward him. “Of course, I can.”
“You sure as hell aren’t acting like it.”
My back teeth ground together. “She should’ve said something.”
“Maybe. But you don’t need to bite her head off because of it.”
I gripped the table, the worn edge biting into my palms. “I know.”
Lawson sighed. “Take a walk if you need it. There’s no shame in having to pull it together.”
I glared at him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Fine, but you need to wipe that look off your face.”
“What look?”
Lawson picked up his mug of tea. “The one that says you’re about to go on a murder spree, taking out anyone who looks at Aspen wrong.”
I bit the inside of my cheek and then forced a smile. “How’s this?”
Lawson blinked a few times as he stared at me. “You look like a feral clown or something. Pretty sure that’s going to give me nightmares.”
I socked him in the arm.
“Hey, don’t hate on me because I told you the truth.”
Footsteps sounded on the hardwood, and I tried to find that mask again. The one that allowed me to keep everything I was feeling on the inside.
Aspen slid an envelope in front of Lawson. “Here.”
He pushed back from the table. “I want to grab gloves and an evidence bag really quick.”
Aspen winced. “I didn’t even think about the fingerprints thing.”
Lawson squeezed her shoulder. “It’s okay. You didn’t know what was inside.”
He headed through the living room and out the front door, leaving Aspen and me in silence.
She wound her way around the table and slid into her chair again, not saying a word.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly.
She looked up, studying me for a moment. “I like you better when you’re not hiding.”
I blinked. “What?”
Aspen drew a circle in the air that encompassed my face. “I like authenticity better than fake politeness.”
I swallowed hard. “I scared you.”
She shrugged. “You startled me. There’s a difference. You were angry. Because you care. I like that better.”
I moved on instinct, covering her hand with mine and gripping it tightly.
“I was fucking furious. Almost decked Law when he told me what happened at The Brew. Want to kill that waste of space in prison and do it slow. There’s so much anger in me it nearly burns me alive.
And it’s always been safer if I keep a lid on it. ”
Aspen’s green eyes stayed locked with mine as I spoke. She didn’t waver, didn’t look away, not even for a second. “You have to let it out. If you don’t, it’ll eat you alive.”
She wasn’t wrong. I’d been letting it devour me for so long I was used to living in the agony. “I don’t trust myself to do that.”
“Because people already look at you like they should be scared,” Aspen surmised.
No one had ever guessed that or understood it. “Some part of me wonders if they were right to be afraid.”
Aspen flipped her hand over, lacing her fingers through mine and squeezing the blood out of my palm. “They couldn’t be more wrong. You’re a good man, Roan. Maybe the best I’ve ever known. You hide that gentle goodness beneath mountains of armor. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.”
A burn lit in my throat, making it impossible to speak.
The screen door slapped against the frame, and Aspen pulled her hand from mine. I instantly missed her touch. It felt like I’d lost the best gift I’d ever received.
Lawson’s steps slowed as he approached. “Everything okay?”
Aspen laughed. It was light and airy, everything the situation wasn’t. “Just obsessed podcasters, letters from the man who tried to kill me, and mean-girl moms and daughters. Your typical everyday happenings.”
I frowned at her. “Mean-girl moms and daughters?”
She waved me off. “A story for another day.”
“I’m glad you’re keeping your sense of humor,” Lawson said, snapping on gloves.
I wasn’t so happy about it. It made me worry that Aspen wasn’t taking things as seriously as she should be.
“Better laughing than crying. Both release endorphins, you know,” she explained.
Lawson carefully examined the envelope before opening it. “I didn’t know that.”
“If you need to let go, watch a funny or sad movie. Laugh or cry and release it all.”
“I’ll remember that,” Lawson said as he pulled the sheet of paper from the envelope and deposited the envelope in one evidence bag.
Slowly and methodically, he unfolded the letter. I wanted to rip the paper from his hands to read the words. He laid it on the table, and I stared at the letters.
You think you can take her from me? You’re going to pay. In blood.
That fury was back, burning through me. But the icy-cold fear won out this time. This wasn’t someone writing to express regret or even anger. This was someone hell-bent on vengeance for what he saw as a wrong.
My vision tunneled as memories assailed me.
“You think you’re gonna get away with this, you little bitch boy?” a man’s voice sneered as his boot crashed into my ribs.
“Fuckin’ pigs might not be doing shit, but we will,” another snarled.
Something cracked across my skull, and everything went black.
A hand squeezed my arm, bringing me back to the present. Aspen was there, worry filling her expression. I blinked a few times and cleared my throat, trying to shake it off. “He should be having his incoming and outgoing mail examined, shouldn’t he?”
Lawson nodded. “But inmates have a way of finding workarounds. Nothing is foolproof.”
“We need to call the warden at his prison.” My voice was even, as if the memories I battled had deadened everything inside me.
“Gonna do that as soon as I get back to the office, but I’m guessing he’ll be gone for the day. It’s a few hours later in Mississippi.”
And what could happen overnight? How many letters could John sneak out? How many plans could he set in motion?
Aspen glanced at my brother. “Why don’t you leave Charlie here? You can grab him on your way home.”
“You don’t need an extra kid underfoot,” he argued.
“Charlie’s a joy, and I did promise the kids they could help me with some recipe experimentation. But I should warn you, he’ll probably come home hopped up and covered in chocolate.”
Lawson chuckled. “He’s come home covered in far worse.”
“Then we’re good to go,” Aspen said with a smile.
It amazed me that it was authentic. We were looking at a threat from the man who had tried to end her life, and here she was, smiling about inventing recipes with two six-year-olds.
“Thanks. That gives me a few hours before I need to pick Drew up from practice and get Luke from his friend’s.” Lawson slid the letter into a second evidence bag and sealed it. “I’ll get these to the station and filed, but I’ll do it myself so there aren’t any curious eyes.”
Aspen nodded. “Thanks, Law. I know keeping this under wraps is tough, but I appreciate it.”
“I’ll do whatever I can to help.” He gathered his things and headed for the door. “See you later, Charlie Bear,” he called.
“Bye, Dad!”
Aspen followed Lawson and locked the door as it closed.
I turned, watching her make her way back to me. “How do you do it?”
Her expression turned puzzled. “Do what?”
“Laugh with everything that’s going on and truly mean it?”
She rested a hip against the table, looking down at me. “Everyone has their struggles, but sometimes I think those who have gone through the worst are the ones with the deepest ability to find joy, even in moments of hardship and heartache.”
I stared at Aspen, taking in her beauty and letting it fully hit me for the first time. It wasn’t just her gorgeous red hair, piercing green eyes, and lush lips. It was the light that radiated out of her, casting a glow on everyone and everything around her.
Truly seeing that for the first time? I knew one thing.
I was completely screwed.