Chapter 10
HALLIE
My fingers ghosted over the massive SUV’s leather steering wheel. Everything about it was fancy. The screen in the dashboard with its eighty-two million controls. The spaciousness. The finishes.
It wasn’t that I’d never been in a nice car; my parents drove a BMW and a Porsche. It was just that it had been a while. Years. And the idea that I might do something to harm a high-end vehicle that Lawson had just paid his hard-earned money for made me sick to my stomach.
“What’s that look about?” he asked as he took me in from his spot in the passenger seat.
“What if I hurt your car?”
A laugh burst out of him. “Hallie. Don’t worry about the damn SUV. If you wreck it, I’ll get another one.”
I frowned in his direction. “Easy as that?”
He twisted in the seat so he fully faced me.
“I’m not hurting for money. My dad had an outdoor company that he sold when I was in high school.
It set us all up pretty well. I’m never going to be reckless or ridiculous with that money, but it does mean that I don’t have to worry about damage to a vehicle. ”
Everything I learned about Lawson made me want to know more. He was this enticing mix of things I couldn’t quite pin down. Strong yet gentle. Protective yet able to let those around him find their way. Stoic yet laughed easily.
“You don’t have to work,” I surmised.
“No,” he admitted.
“So, why do you do it?”
Our parents always held Emerson’s and my trust funds over our heads like a carrot.
They tried to use them to get us to do what they wanted.
And I had for a long time. Not because of the money, but because I didn’t want to lose them.
Until I finally realized that the quest to keep them was killing me.
Lawson swept his thumb back and forth across his knee. “I love my job. I like that I get to help people, try to keep them safe, and make my community a better place.”
My eyes burned. He was one of the good ones—someone who wanted to help just because he could. “You do. All of that.”
I knew because he’d been and done that for me. A blinking light of kindness on my darkest night.
His expression gentled, going soft in a way that made my insides flip. “Thank you. I try. Don’t always get it right, but I’ll never stop trying.”
“It’s all we can do.” I’d learned that the hard way. When you stopped trying, you stopped living.
A ding sounded, and Lawson pulled out his phone. “I need to head to the station. Will you be okay to get back to the house?”
I gripped the steering wheel and nodded. “Yes.”
My voice didn’t waver, and I was glad for it. I didn’t want Lawson to know that I was scared out of my mind.
He reached out as if he might squeeze my shoulder but then stopped himself.
The course correction was a knife to the gut. He’d halted because of what I’d said: that men made me nervous. I knew it wasn’t logical, not all men were evil, but it was just how my mind worked.
Anytime I met a man, a part of me wondered if he could be the one. Was he the person who’d kept me for thirty-three days? Was he the one who’d carved a kaleidoscope of scars into my flesh?
Even in the dealership just now, I’d pictured douchey Chip in that black balaclava, hovering over me, ready to inflict the maximum pain. Even when the body type and voice didn’t match, I could still see them as the man.
But never Lawson. He was the first male who wasn’t family that I’d felt comfortable with since the incident. Even in the hospital, they’d had to switch my care team to one entirely made up of females. Maybe that was why Lawson’s retreat hurt so much. But I didn’t blame him either.
Lawson dropped his hand back to his lap. “I’ll have my phone. Call if you need anything at all. I don’t mind. I know school pickup will be new.”
Crap.
He was worried about me doing my job. I didn’t blame him, but it still stung. “I’ve been to all three schools now, so I’m good.” I forced as much brightness into my tone as possible.
Lawson nodded. “All right. But I’m just a phone call away if you need me.”
“Thanks. For everything.” That was so much less than I wanted it to be—a six-letter word for everything that Lawson was. But it would have to do for now.
He nodded, pausing for a moment as if he might say something else, then he finally slid out of the SUV. I watched as he climbed into his police-issued vehicle, praying he wouldn’t wait for me to pull out. The last thing I wanted was an audience.
The air left my lungs in a whoosh as Lawson’s taillights illuminated, and he backed out of his parking spot.
The moment he pulled out into traffic, I turned back to the SUV.
I released my death grip on the steering wheel and ran my palm over the leather.
“We’re going to be friends. I am going to speak to you only with loving words, and you aren’t going to spin me off into a ditch. ”
My therapist had told me once that if you spoke lovingly to a plant, it would grow infinitely faster and healthier than any that were put down and demeaned. She used the story to illuminate the ramifications of my relationship with my mother, but I figured it applied here, too.
The SUV didn’t say anything in return.
“I feel like you need a name. But maybe we should leave that to Charlie. He seems like he’d be good at that.”
Yet again, the car didn’t reply.
I put my foot on the brake and pressed the button to start it. It purred to life, the vibrations sweeping through my body.
“You can do this.” I plugged the address of Cedar Ridge’s grocery store into the navigation system. Gripping the wheel yet again, I stared out the front windshield. “Just the one next thing.”
By the time I pulled into the elementary school pickup line, I felt like I’d done one of the extreme boot camp workouts I saw advertised on late-night infomercials. No wonder Lawson had needed help.
I’d driven the brand-new SUV back to Cedar Ridge like a grandma. When I finally parked at the grocery store and released the wheel, my hands ached from how tightly I’d been grasping it. But I was already getting more used to it. I wasn’t completely at ease yet, but it was better.
I’d jotted out a meal plan for the week, second-guessing every choice, then I’d done the shopping.
When I got back home, I breathed a sigh of relief at being truly alone for the first time all day.
I unpacked the groceries and started some laundry.
I didn’t think I’d ever seen so many clothes in my life.
Between the six loads I’d managed to get in before having to leave for pickup, I scoured the kitchen and organized the pantry. I’d also cleaned the bathrooms and picked up the living room. I needed to check with Lawson to see if I should tidy bedrooms as well, but I didn’t want to overstep.
My mother would’ve been appalled at how much joy it brought me.
There was just something about cleaning.
You saw the impact of your work right in front of your eyes like nothing else.
It helped me feel like some tiny things in this world were, in fact, under my control.
And after a few days of endless firsts, I needed a little of that.
I caught sight of Charlie looking around for me and realized he didn’t know this vehicle. I quickly shut it off and hopped out. “Charlie!”
His head flicked in my direction, and a huge grin spread across his face. “Hallie!”
He ran at me, hitting me with a force that nearly sent me falling backward. But I’d take the easy acceptance and kindness of children over and over again. There was nothing like it.
I ruffled his hair the way I’d seen Lawson do. “Good day?”
“Really good. I got to feed our class fish today.”
“That sounds like a very important job. It says a lot about how amazing you are that your teacher entrusted you with it.”
Charlie’s little chest puffed up as he released me. “I measure real careful.”
“Who are you?” a high-pitched voice snapped.
I stiffened, turning to face a blonde who was absolutely stunning except for the twisted scowl on her face. “Excuse me?”
“Who are you?” she bit out again. “I’ve never seen you before, and I highly doubt Law would entrust his child to a stranger.”
A little girl about Charlie’s age hovered behind the woman, looking embarrassed.
Charlie glared at the woman. “This is Hallie, my new nanny. You better be nice to her, or my dad’ll be real mad.”
I rested a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “It’s okay. She just wants to make sure you’re safe.” Though she could’ve been a hell of a lot nicer about it.
The woman gaped at me. “Nanny?”
Her voice went up an octave on the word.
I nodded, extending a hand. “I’m Hallie.”
She stared at my palm for a second before taking it. “I’m Katelyn. I’m really close to Law, so I’m just surprised he didn’t say anything. He knows I’d always help out with the kids if he needed.”
My stomach twisted in a vicious squeeze at her words. I was unsure how to answer.
Footsteps sounded to my left, and Aspen appeared. She sent a sharkish grin at the woman next to me. “Katelyn.”
The blonde’s mouth thinned into a hard line. “Aspen.”
Aspen turned to me and gave my arm a squeeze. “You ready to go?”
I nodded. “You have everything, Charlie?”
“Yup! I didn’t forget my lunchbox this time.” He held up the cloth satchel as if to prove his point.
“I’d say that deserves a gold star,” I said.
Aspen glanced at the little girl hovering behind Katelyn. “Does Heather want to come home with us? I’m going to show Hallie the animals.”
Katelyn opened her mouth to object, it was written all over her face, but her daughter spoke up first. “Please, Mom? I want to see Mabel.”
Katelyn’s nose wrinkled in distaste, but she acquiesced. “All right.” She glanced at Aspen. “What time should I pick her up?”
Aspen glanced at her watch. “How about four-thirty?”
Katelyn jerked her head in a nod before turning back to her daughter. “Be careful. I don’t want you getting mauled by a herd of goats and donkeys.”