Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Kit
THE RESTAURANT TILLIE HAD RECOMMENDED I take Agnes and Marion to sometime during their visit was perfect, and we had a good time, even if they could both tell Ted and Mary-Alice’s disappearance wasn’t the only thing upsetting me.
Marion tried to bring it up, but I wouldn’t let her for once.
I wasn’t ready to talk. So instead, we chatted about Agnes’ work and Marion’s latest writing.
She’d started planning a novel, and it sounded phenomenal.
By the time the evening came to a close, though, I was exhausted.
Wearing a mask to hide how unhappy I felt was hard work.
The worst part was, I could have talked to them.
They were two of the only people I could be completely honest with.
Except part of me worried they’d tell me Gus was right.
Even if he was, it wouldn’t stop me. If he wouldn’t do the blood magic, I’d put out word I was looking for someone else to.
It would take time to find someone willing or desperate enough, but if Gus wasn’t going to give me what I needed, there was no other choice.
After I drove Marion and Agnes back to their hotel and made plans to get together again soon, I headed across town alone and rolled to a stop in Ted’s driveway.
Parked out front of the house, Gus was sitting in his car.
He waited for me to exit mine before he approached.
The pain in my chest that had been escalating since last night sharpened to a hot gash.
He hadn’t been trying to disappoint me, but he did.
He’d had every right to turn me down, but I was injured regardless.
“Can we talk?” Gus asked, face grim and sad in the porch light.
My throat went tight, so I led the way inside before asking, “Care for a drink?”
“Nah. Thanks, though.”
I sure needed one. In the kitchen, I poured myself a generous glass of rum and took a swallow before facing Gus. “Were you waiting long?”
He tipped his head side-to-side in answer. “It gave me more time to think over what I need to say.”
“Which is?”
“I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have gotten confrontational.
It’s…” Gus struggled with himself, and I watched as he decided to let down his guard.
“I’m worried about you, Kit. About your safety.
And I should have made it clear I understand why you’re asking for what you are, even if I don’t like it because I’m scared for you.
But if it was my brother missing, I can’t say I’d act any different, and just because I want you safe, doesn’t mean I can demand you stand down. ”
My heart had done funny flips when he said he cared. Apologies were hard for most people to make, and harder for Gus, who always kept his feelings so close to the vest.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted, gripping my glass with both hands.
“I know you think I’m being reckless and rushing in headfirst for the thrill of danger, but I’m not.
Maybe I have done that before, following the story on the battlefield, I can’t say I haven’t, but this is different.
It's not about me. It's about Ted and Mary-Alice. I've never been afraid to risk myself, heart or body, for something I believe in, and I won’t give up on finding them. I can’t.”
There was clear regret in Gus’ eyes. “I never meant to tell you to. You came to me twice for comfort and support, and I turned it into a fight both times. I don’t know why I can’t seem to stop myself from trying to protect you even when you don’t want or need me that way.”
I pushed down on the warm glow that started in my chest; this didn’t mean anything other than Gus was a good person who hated anyone being hurt. “Well, I shouldn’t have come over last night. Whatever I was thinking was clouded with drink, and I should have known better.”
“You were vulnerable—”
My cheeks burned hot and tight. “Don’t say that. Don’t make me sound—”
“Like a human being in a difficult situation? Why not? You are, and you deserve someone to help you shoulder it. I know I gave up the right to be that person a long time ago, but…” Gus faltered, then squared his shoulders, as if daring me to contradict him.
“I’m who you’ve got. Which is bad news, because I’ve always been terrible at it. ”
Disbelief rocked me, and honesty leaked out. “You were not. You were always reliable, always on my side. Always pushing me to pursue my dreams, no matter how far-fetched.”
A wry smile gently lifted the corners of his mouth. “Not so far-fetched, it turns out, considering everyone in the damn country now recognizes your voice in a heartbeat.”
Helplessly, I twisted the glass in my hands.
“They were still oversized dreams for a boy from Halifax with no money. But you never let me believe for a second I couldn’t do it.
I was the one who ruined everything.” My stomach twisted and sank as I spoke, my heart tangled right up with it.
“If it wasn’t for my busted magic, Elsie never would have drowned.
It was my fault we were out that night in the first place.
You never would’ve—” My lungs tightened as the things I’d spent more than a decade agonizing over crawled up and wriggled their way out into the light.
“You wouldn’t have lied to me when you broke it off.
When you said you never wanted to come to Montreal with me in the first place, that was a lie.
I knew it was a lie because every plan we made together for years you were telling the truth about.
Until you broke it off. And I knew why, I knew because I was waiting for it for months and months.
Because Elsie was my fault and you blamed me and you ended it.
It hurt so badly because you were right.
I broke something that couldn’t be fixed and—”
As gutted as I’d been, and as angry as I’d gotten to protect myself from the pain, deep down I’d understood. My magic cracked the ice and plunged Elsie into the water. I tried to save her, but I couldn’t find her. It was too dark, and I was useless and freezing and too weak.
As kind and soft as Gus had tried to let me down that night, every word had the flavour of a lie, and it had sat bitter on my tongue.
The truth that he wasn’t coming had clashed against the falsehood when he said he never really planned to.
And a whisper in the back of my mind had told me that maybe the reason he finally got up the nerve to break my heart was because he wanted someone else.
Someone who never got someone’s sister killed.
Someone who never did anything wrong. Like George.
Gus’ expression had gone shocked, and he’d paled.
“Kit, that’s not—” He took the few steps forward to me.
His rough hands came up, gently cupping my face, and my pulse skipped.
I pressed my lips together to keep my chin from trembling.
“Your magic didn’t drown Elsie. The ice cracked and she went under way before you lost control of it. ”
My eyes burned as I struggled to make sense of what he was saying. To put the bits and pieces of memory together, but it didn’t fit. I gave a tiny shake of my head, not enough to dislodge his hands, but enough to make it clear I didn’t believe him.
“It’s true, Kit. Think about it. I was running for her because the ice cracked. It broke and she went under before I even hit the edge of the pond. Your magic didn’t go off until I broke my leg.”
He couldn’t be right. I was so sure it was all because of me, but… “It happened so fast.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t your fault. You were scared, and you still dove in the water after her. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine. She was my sister. I was the one who was supposed to look after her.”
Gus, no. “I’m the one who asked you to play hide-and-seek in the dark.”
“And I’m the one who said yes.”
His dark brown eyes were so full of emotion I wanted to cry.
“But you blamed me. I asked if it was about Elsie that night and you said no, but it was another lie.” A lie that sliced my soul open, dumped fuel on my guilt and set it aflame.
A lie that sent me running, not only from Gus, but from myself.
Gus’ eyes slammed shut as he sucked in a sharp breath.
“It wasn’t—okay, it was a lie, but only because I already knew Dad was going to leave Mum because I let Elsie die.
It broke him, losing her, and I felt responsible.
I wanted to go with you. I was scared you’d see right through me the second I told you I didn’t.
You had such big dreams, Kit. You were going places, and I wanted to follow you.
I would’ve been happy living in your shadow and finding ways to keep us together for the rest of our lives. ”
He dug his hands into his hair and then scrubbed them over his face.
“But I couldn’t go. Dad was leaving us, and Mum had an income, but she couldn’t support Henry and John all on her own without help.
So I had to stay, and you couldn’t, but you would have if I asked.
You’d have wasted all that talent and passion and stayed in a city that would’ve felt like a prison.
It was so childish, but I thought if we weren’t lovers anymore, if we went back to friends, you wouldn’t feel like you had to stay.
I never considered you thought I was blaming you for Elsie, Kit. Jesus.”
Something twisted and tore deep in my soul.
If I’d stayed instead of running away, if I’d been here to see Mr. North leaving, would I have put the clues together?
Years worth of guilt and anguish churning into misplaced anger while I did anything and everything to forget the way August North used to look at me and how agonizing it felt to be cast aside.
If he didn’t blame me for Elsie though, that meant…
“How, exactly, did you expect us to go back to being friends? I was in love with you for fuck’s sake!”