chapter three #2
I am halfway out of town before I realize that I still have the key to the motel room and that I never paid. I decide I will
mail the key and the check to Tiffany once I’m home. I am done with this place.
I look back once more and see a red balloon float away over the town.
I drive past the Welcome to Lost sign. “Good bye, Lost,” I say to the sight in the rearview mirror.
I switch on the radio. This time, there isn’t static, which is a relief.
It’s a song that I don’t recognize, though, so I change the station.
Same song. I change it again. Same song again.
I go through the stations, scanning at first and then tuning to each station, even those that should be static.
But all of them are playing the same song.
I turn off the radio. It must be broken.
I drive in silence.
It shouldn’t be far to the highway entrance ramp.
Wind blows dust across the road. It dissipates across the desert. There are no clouds in the sky, and the sun washes over
the red earth. It isn’t hot yet, and with luck, it will be another nice day for a drive. Maybe that’s what I should tell people,
“It was a nice day for a drive.” Certainly sounds better than “I’m a coward with an overactive imagination.”
By now, I should have seen the entrance ramp. Looking in the rearview mirror, I can’t see the town anymore, not even the water
tower.
I don’t remember driving more than a few minutes off the highway last night. But maybe it was longer and I’m overeager to
escape. Tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I keep driving.
Dust billows. It blots out the view of the road in front of me. Another dust storm, or dust bank. Like last night, it doesn’t
seem to have much wind behind it. It sits on the road. Soon, I’m inside it, and the desert is a blur around me.
I slow and turn on my lights. I don’t want to miss the highway entrance in the dust. I peer at the side of the road and watch
for a break in the fence that could indicate an entrance ramp. But there isn’t one. The posts keep appearing, one after another
like reliable ghosts.
Strange that there should be another dust storm. Or maybe it isn’t so strange. Maybe the contours of the land make this area
prone to them. Don’t be paranoid, I tell myself.
Eventually, the dust clears, the storm recedes to the rearview mirror, and I relax. Not even the worst dust storm can last forever, even if it feels as though it’s swallowed the world. Now that I’m out, I am certain that I will see the highway soon.
Ahead, I spot a sign:
Welcome to Lost
My car rolls to a stop next to the sign.
I stare at the chipped wood with the gold letters.
There must have been a fork in the road. I must have somehow taken a turn within the dust storm. I hadn’t been able to see
both sides of the road. It had been impossible to tell direction. The road could have split and then somehow circled back
here . . . I don’t remember a fork or a merge or any turns, but there’s no other explanation.
Shaken, I check carefully in both directions—there are still no other vehicles on the road—and do an overly cautious three-point
turn, like my mom if she has to drive in downtown L.A. I head away from town. Again.
A few miles down the road, I hit the dust storm. It swallows me and the desert and the road. This time, I inch forward and
keep as close to the side of the road as I can without driving on the dirt, so that I don’t miss the highway entrance a second
time. It has to be here somewhere.
I am in the dust storm for nearly half an hour.
A minute after I emerge, I see the Welcome to Lost sign.
I slam on the brakes and hit the steering wheel with the heel of my hand. I swear I didn’t feel the road turn. It didn’t fork.
This makes no sense!
I pull a U-turn and try again.
Again, there’s the dust. And again, when I emerge, the sign.
“Goddammit!” I shout. I get out of the car, and I kick the Welcome to Lost sign. It doesn’t even sway. I take a cathartic
breath so deep that it would please a yoga instructor, and I climb back into my car.
I slam the door.
I check my cell phone.
Still no damn signal.
I look down at the gas gauge. It’s brushing against the red.
What the hell kind of middle of nowhere town doesn’t have a gas station? Isn’t that the whole point of the entire goddamn
town, to service people who drive out here in a futile bid to avoid the inevitable?
I have enough gas for one more try.
There has to be an entrance ramp somewhere. It’s the dust storm that’s fouling up my sense of direction. If I could see more than three
feet ahead of me, I’d be fine. I’ll wait for the dust to die down, and then . . . And then if I fail, I’ll use the motel phone
to call AAA to bring me gas from the next town. I am reasonably sure that I renewed my AAA membership when Mom reminded, aka
nagged, me to.
I sit in the car, engine off, while I think about Mom and wait for the dust to die.
I know I should have used the motel phone to call her before I checked out. I’m certain Mom has tried to call me already,
probably multiple times. She wouldn’t be panicking yet, at least not visibly, because we’d had a conversation about boundaries
and how I need space, especially now that she’s moved in with me. But she will be checking her phone regularly by now.
I’m coming, Mom, I think.
It is silent here, in a way that L.A. never is. So silent that it feels like a pressure inside my ears as I strain to hear
the hum of another car, the honk of a horn, the bark of a dog, even the cry of a bird. I only hear the wind. I reach for the
radio again and then stop. I don’t want to know if it’s continuing to play the same unfamiliar song.
I turn the car on, ignore the low-gas beep, and drive down the road—directly into the dust storm.
This time, I’m in the storm for much longer.
It begins to feel as if the dust will never end.
I can feel it in my lungs as it leaches into the car.
My skin is gritty. I had to have missed the highway entrance, but I continue to drive because this road must lead to another town!
Construction workers spent time constructing this. It can’t be a road to nowhere.
After an hour, the car sputters. I look at the gas gauge, and the needle is at the bottom of the red zone. I press down on
the gas pedal. But the car runs slower and slower.
Soon, it stops. Dust swirls all around me. I lay my forehead on the steering wheel. This is how I will die, lost in a storm
in the desert, choked by dust, dehydrated, and starved . . .
A knock on the window.
Shrieking, I jump. My head smacks hard against the headrest. “Ow!” I rub the back of my head as I look out the window. I see
only dust, though I swear I’d heard a knock. The wind must have blown something against it.
It works as a wake-up call, though.
Option one: I can sit here, wait for a kindly soul to drive by, flag them down, and beg for help. Problem is that I haven’t
seen a car go by in . . . well, ever. I’m not even on the main highway, just a road to nowheresville.
Option two: I can walk through the storm back to town. Problem is that I drove for an hour to reach this delightful spot of
nothing, and that’s a damn long walk through air thick enough to chew. At best, it will be uncomfortable with the dust flying
in my eyes and nose and mouth. At worst . . . it’s freaky how shrouded and hidden the world is. I can’t see more than a few
feet in any direction. The idea of walking into that nothingness makes me feel like I will dissipate into the dust.
I wonder what a horror-movie heroine would do, stay in the car or get out.
Girl Scout training says stay put and someone will find me.
But that only works if anyone has a clue where I am.
As far as anyone knows, I could be home on a sick day or off on a spontaneous beach vacation or away on an impromptu business trip. I doubt anyone would guess I’m here.
Yesterday was not a terrible day. I woke up, brushed my teeth, showered, and dressed. I had a slice of cinnamon bread for
breakfast as I dashed out of the apartment. I locked the door, shoved the bills in the mailbox, and sidestepped the pile of
dog poo left by the neighbor’s evil yap-yap dog that I had twice threatened (under my breath) to drown when it decided to
take up operatic howling at 4:00 a.m. Then I got into my car. It started with its usual not-quite-dead-yet lurch, and I drove
toward work. I hit two red lights and at the second, when I should have turned left, I didn’t.
I simply didn’t.
That was all.
I skipped three nonessential meetings, the usual lunch with my coworkers Angie and Kristyn, and dinner with Mom after her
doctor appointment, which may or may not have included positive or negative test results. There was nothing that would give
anyone any hint that I would have driven east for hours, and no reason for anyone to guess that I would ever do this, even
on a bad day. I don’t even have a reason to tell myself. Just . . . a hunch that the day was going to turn bad.
I was a particle of dust that a breath pushed eastward, and so here I am inside dust. If I step outside the solid car, I’m
afraid I’ll dissolve into the air and float forever, shifting across the desert . . . Stop with the bullshit, Lauren, I tell myself.
I fling the car door open. The town is back the way I came, unless I’ve mysteriously circled toward it again. I don’t know
which is the quickest way, but I can’t stay here and stew in my own melodramatic miasma. Swinging my purse over my shoulder,
I step out of the car. The dust pricks my eyes. Coughing, I hold my sleeve over my mouth. I turn to shut the car door behind
me. And I scream.
A man dressed in black crouches on the roof of my car.
Screaming, I retreat so fast that I stumble off the road and onto the dirt. I keep backing up until I smack into a fence post.
The barbed wire snags my clothes.