Chapter 09 #2
A quick formality with HR later, and I’m on my way back to Lex’s apartment.
Oli will join me here after work, but I can explore on my own for a good chunk of the afternoon.
By the time he arrives, I’ve learned a lot.
I know how to protect my IP from being found out and fly under the radar, which allows me to look into places I shouldn’t be looking.
From then on, every waking hour is devoted to the cause. My nights are short and my days are long. To make up for it, I’ve worked my way around the fancy coffee maker and drink a few cups every day. It’s still appalling to my taste buds, but enough sugar and cream make it tolerable.
On Wednesday, I insist that Oli doesn’t come. I’m confident enough to work on my own all afternoon, and he has a neglected girlfriend he needs to take care of. I’m not letting this ruin his blossoming relationship.
By the end of the week, I’m obsessed. This cyber underworld is all I can think of, all I can do.
I even asked Iris to contact the cleaning company, like Lex suggested weeks ago, so I can have more time for all this.
Katya will return, clean up the place, refill the fridge, do the laundry … Every minute counts.
I’m deep into it when someone arrives at the main door.
As soon as I hear the key turning in the lock, I know it’s Katya—I left a key downstairs for her with the concierge.
Fuck, I didn’t expect her to arrive so early.
Is it even early? Shit, I lost track of time looking into what cybersecurity looks like for banks.
One of Oli’s lessons is that nothing is ever airtight.
There’s always a way in. Some crack that can be exploited.
Before I can do anything, Iris closes the hidden door and locks me in there. “Fuck,” I mumble. Deciding there isn’t much I can do about it, I return to the computer and keep working.
A phone call distracts me about an hour later, and seeing it’s from Oregon, I quickly pick up. Per usual, the robotic voice announces who’s calling and asks if I accept the call. I do, and the line to Lex opens.
“Hi, baby. How are you?”
“I’m alright. You?”
“I’m okay, too. I’m glad you called. I missed your voice,” I say, realizing he hasn’t called in a few days.
“Aren’t you coming today?”
Oh, fuck. Is it Saturday already? Being locked all day, every day, in this small room without windows has completely fucked with my perception of time.
I sleep when my eyes can’t stay open after setting an alarm for five hours later, eat when I’m hungry, shower when I feel dirty …
I’m living like a troll. Nothing matters beyond my mission.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’ve been so busy lately, I didn’t realize it was Saturday already,” I whimper.
“Kev told me you were taking a leave from work.”
Fuck. Of course he knows. I haven’t told him because I didn’t want him to worry, but Kevin had no reason not to.
Now, how the fuck do I get myself out of this?
I can’t tell him what I’ve been doing with my days.
And not just because these calls are monitored.
If I tell him what I’m doing, if I let him know my plan, he’ll go berserk and force me to stop.
I know him well enough to realize this is the last thing he’d want me to do, and I’m not stupid enough to share that information with him.
Regardless, I’m not even sure I can spare a whole day every week to visit him.
The two hours to see the therapist already feel like too much.
The more I learn about this hacking thing, the less optimistic I am about the schedule I’ve set.
If missing a few visits allows me to get him out sooner, then maybe it’s worth it.
He’ll forgive me for it. I know he will.
My heart drops into my stomach when I realize that the only way out is to break his heart. The reason I can’t visit him as often as I used to has to be personal. He can’t know what I’m doing. No one but Oli can.
“I’m so sorry, Lex,” I say, emotions clutching my throat.
“It—it hurts me every time I see you.” The confession isn’t even a lie, but it’s still wrong.
It doesn’t matter how broken each visitation leaves me.
I’d forever go back to see him if I could.
“I’ve been living at your place for the past few days, and it’s helping me get better.
The memory of you, of us, of how it used to be …
Seeing you slowly lose yourself in there it’s … so hard, Lex.”
There’s a long silence, where neither of us says anything. Everything I’m saying is true, but I’d still go through hell and back for him. I hope he knows that somewhere deep down.
“I don’t think I can visit you as often as I used to,” I eventually conclude, administering the final blow.
His silence is excruciating, but there’s no way I’d give our opponents any kind of ammo. He’ll understand, eventually. He’ll accept that I had no other choice.
“I get it,” he finally answers.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright. I’m the one who wanted you to distance yourself from me. This was always going to happen, and it’s better now than further down the road.”
I crave to tell him, to be honest. I’m not giving up on him, not now or ever. But the only thing I can say without being suspicious is, “I’ll always love you.”
“I need to go.”
“Lex, I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that already. It’s fine. I get it.”
He hangs up without another word, and I remain unmoving, my phone over my ear, blankly staring at the screen before me.
What if this was a mistake? What if this extra blow completely breaks him?
By the time I’m done pulling this off, what will be left of him?
Will he lose his trust in me and move on?
As painful as it is, our story isn’t the thing I ought to salvage. Lex must be freed at any cost, even our love. He’s there because of me, so it’s my mistake to repair and atone for.
I’m not as efficient as I was before Lex’s phone call. All I can think about is him, waiting for me to come, only to realize I won’t. And now, he’s probably sitting in his cell, trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m abandoning him, despite all my promises.
The room seems to narrow around me. It becomes more oppressive by the minute, and all I want to do is get out. That’s why five hours after Katya’s arrival, when Iris unlocks the hidden door and opens it, I practically jump out of my chair to exit the confined space.
My first stop is the kitchen to drink a glass of water and check out the fridge. There, after making an inventory of what Katya added and threw away, I take out a box of leftover fried rice. Perched on a chair at the high counter, I eat the dish without even taking the time to heat it up.
Then, I decide I’ve wandered around in panties and one of Lex’s T-shirts for long enough today, so I head to the master bedroom to take a shower and change. As soon as I enter it, pure dread fills me upon seeing the freshly made bed.
Oh God, no!
Katya changed the sheets. The fresh ones won’t smell of Lex anymore. My last shred of hope is crushed when I check the laundry room, finding the old sheets freshly cleaned and neatly folded on a shelf.
It’s gone. Lex’s scent is really gone. I’m losing him. Little by little, I’m losing the man I love. But it’ll all be worth it. The end will justify the means.
Even if there isn’t an “us” anymore by then.
Another week goes by, more discoveries, more learning, more trying …
Like Oli said, most of Lex’s scripts are obsolete, some of them completely unusable.
But they’re still a great tool for learning.
Seeing how Lex bypasses some obstacles is valuable, even if those obstacles have changed in the past few years.
I’m on the couch, staring at my soggy granola when the intercom rings on Saturday morning. “Shit, Oli,” I mutter to myself. “Iris, can you let him in?”
“Of course.”
While Iris handles him, I rush to the bedroom to slip on a pair of sweatpants. I’ve kept him away since the phone call with Lex, living in complete isolation. No visits, barely any calls—and none from Lex. But Oli insisted on coming today, to see where I’m at.
I can’t tell if he sensed I’ve been a mess or if he’s genuinely curious about my progress. But the minute he lays eyes on me, he’ll know just how terrible I’m doing. I haven’t shampooed or brushed my hair in a week and showered maybe twice.
Fuck, I need to hop in the shower before I see him. He’ll schedule an intervention if he sees me like this. I’m about to head to the bathroom when I hear him call out, “Andy?” from the living room.
Ugh, shit. “Coming!” I shout.
I pass a hand through my hair to quickly brush it and tie it together in a messy bun, using the elastic band around my wrist. That probably won’t fool him, but a girl can try.
“Hey,” I greet him with a fake smile when I return to the living room.
He’s turned away from me, looking at a painting. “Hey, Hulkette. How are you do—” The moment he sees me, he pauses.
“Great,” I lie. “You?”
“Fine. So, what’s new?”
“I’ve been training. And becoming acquainted with the dark side of the web. I’ve been gathering information we might need for the heist.”
“Nice. And Lex? Any news?”
“Uh, no. Not really.”
“What? Is something wrong? Did he get locked in solitary again?”
“No, I—uh—I kind of told him I couldn’t keep doing this. The calls, the visits …”
He looks confused as he asks, “But why?”
“Because the phone calls are recorded, and I don’t want to risk saying something I shouldn’t. And the visits … They take up an entire day every week. I can’t waste that kind of time, Oli. Not if I want to get him out before the trial.”
“So, right now, he thinks …”
Somehow, I managed not to cry since the call, despite breaking Lex’s heart.
But confessing everything to Oliver puts in perspective just how awful this is.
The emotions I’ve been able to deny for a week all come rushing, and I’m practically sobbing before I can even say, “He thinks I’ve given up on him. ”
“Hey, come here,” Oli beckons, pulling me into his arms for a comforting hug.
“What if we fail, Oli?” I ask. “What if we can’t save him, and he ends up in prison for the rest of his life? What if I broke his heart for nothing, and I never get to see him again?”
“Where’s this coming from, Hulkette? I thought you were doing well?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Oli. And now he thinks I don’t love him enough. He knows I’m off work, that I could visit him any day I want, but that I won’t, for some reason.”
“Come on, Andy, I’m sure he knows you guys are stronger than this.”
“You don’t get it. His own parents showed him he wasn’t worthy of love. He’s gotten so convinced of it over the years, he’ll assume it’s all true. To him, I’m only following the pattern he’s known his whole life.”
The mere thought has me crying even harder, my frame trembling with sobbing tremors.
Oli does the best he can, patting my back and holding me tightly.
Eventually, he decides that’s enough. He pushes me away by the shoulders and says, “Okay, go get ready. And shower, you smell like my great-aunt Alma.”
“What?”
“I’ll drive you to Sheridan. I have my laptop, and we can set up a secure connection from the car. I’ll teach you a few things, and you’ll work the whole time. Not a minute wasted.”
Stunned by his plan, I say nothing for a few seconds, processing. The shock stopped my tears at once, with only a few hiccups remaining. “Oli, it’s a four-hour drive.”
“I already warned my lady friend I’d be busy today. I’ll see her in the evening.”
“Oli—”
“No, shush. Stop protesting, I’m taking you. You’re too much of a mess to work anyway, so there’s no other choice.”
Something in the imperiousness of his tone, the determined stare he gives me, makes me understand he won’t change his mind.
He’s right. I need to see Lex. At least this one time. I have to let him know I’m not abandoning him. And something tells me he needs that reassurance as much as I need to tell him.
“Thanks, Oli,” I whisper, emotional again. “Thank you so much for this.”
“That’s my gig, remember? I help damsels in distress.”
“And you’re fucking amazing at it,” I respond before rushing back to the bedroom.