Chapter 18
“This is so nice,” I murmur as I melt into Lex’s powerful torso. “How come we’ve never had a bath together before?”
“I don’t know. We should make it a weekly thing.”
“Agreed.”
When I twist my face around and up, he understands my silent request and gives me a peck.
After a stop to the bathroom and a sparse slip on of clothes—basketball shorts for him, one of his T-shirts for me—we migrated to the kitchen.
Or rather, Lex migrated us, since he carried me all the way there.
He playfully explained he’d prefer I keep my strength for more sex later, but I know my little blackout was still worrying him.
As he’d demanded, I sat the whole time, giving him guidance and instructions.
And he did really well. As dominant and controlling as he might be in every aspect of his life, he’s very good at following instructions.
Watching him try to understand the mysteries of cooking was endearing, and so was his proud smile when the pancakes came out perfect.
We shared a massive stack of them, doused in maple syrup and served with scrambled eggs and crispy bacon.
Then, of course, I tried to coax him into fucking me on the kitchen counter, right where we did it for the first time, but he easily distracted me with the suggestion of a bath instead.
Again, I realize it’s because I had the great idea of fainting earlier, which still doesn’t sit right with him.
But the pleasure was so devastatingly intense it basically sent me into a reboot, which is kind of crazy, come to think of it. But it wasn’t worrying enough for me to never want it to happen again. God, I really hope Lex resets me to factory settings every now and then.
“Or maybe we should keep it for special occasions,” Lex suggests, still thinking about our future baths together.
“Is this a special occasion?” I tease.
“Of course.”
“Celebrating the first time—of hopefully many—you made me pass out with your dick?”
He disapprovingly mumbles, but only for a second, and says, “No, us reconciling.”
“Just to be clear, I was never pissed at you. You were pissed at me.”
He passes a soapy sponge down my arm, pensive.
I close my eyes and let myself bask in the tenderness of the moment.
Everything smells of jasmine, Lex found a few candles lying around and lit them, and Iris put on some mellow, romantic music on my command.
The moment is perfect, like the calm after a storm, and while I wouldn’t say no to getting dicked down right now, this is a great alternative.
“I didn’t know you still didn’t trust me with Oli,” I say softly, my eyes still closed.
“I didn’t either,” he eventually admits. “It crept up on me. I put you through hell, so it seemed normal you’d see I’m no good for you and actually go for someone who is.”
His arm around me tightens as I say, “You’re what’s best for me, Lex. No one else could make me as happy as you do.”
“But no one else could make you as miserable either.”
There’s truth to his words, so I don’t deny them. He’s right. He put me through hell in the past, willingly or unwillingly. But he also opened Heaven’s gates for me, much, much more often than that.
Tilting my head, I look up at him, only to find his gaze littered with guilt. My hand reaches up to cup his jaw, gently grazing his thick beard.
“Baby, you once told me you’d trust my judgment because I’m the smartest woman you know. Trust me, I know what I’m doing. It’s you or no one else.”
“I know the feeling,” he answers, bringing me closer and laying a gentle kiss on my temple. When he pulls away, there’s something warm and intense in his gaze.
“Please don’t ever think I’d pick Oli over you,” I say. “The time when I thought Oli and I would be a good fit is long gone.”
“Are you sure he knows that?”
“What do you mean?”
“He took major risks to help you. It doesn’t sound like someone who’s moved on.”
“He didn’t do it for me. It was for you.”
“I’m not that good a boss.”
His interjection makes me chuckle. “It actually had nothing to do with you being his boss. When you did the StarCare heist, you helped his family out of a lifetime of debt. He wanted to help you in return.”
Lex remains wordless for a moment, and without even looking up at him, I know his brows are furrowed, with that little crease between them. “I didn’t know that,” he finally says.
“Now you do. And he caught you getting the high scores on the Donkey Kong machine, so he’s known who you were for years.”
“I’ll have to thank him.” After more pondering, he says, “Now that I think of it, it would have been counterproductive to help get me out of jail if he wanted to be with you.”
This one has me laughing fully. “I promise, baby. Oli has no intention of getting with me, and I don’t either. When it comes to Idris Elba, though, you shou—”
Before I can even finish my sentence, Lex pinches my ribs, sending a jolt through me that has me yelping and jerking away. But he’s quick to pull me back into him, into his strong embrace, and I settle into his familiar arms once more.
He picks up the sponge that’s floating among the bubbles and continues his thorough but gentle cleaning of me. God, this is the best feeling in the world. Not his dick inside me, not orgasming, not his touch. Being loved by him. That’s what feels so good, no matter how he does it.
“Thank you,” Lex says with gravity after a moment of this.
“For what?”
“For getting me out of there.”
I could fucking gloat right now, but I can tell how hard this is for him, and I don’t want to add to it.
Plus, I’m tongue-tied when he turns my face around to admire it, utter awe filling his beautiful eyes.
With the flesh of his thumb, he grazes the freckles he loves so much on my cheekbones and nose.
“I can’t wait to wake up to this face every single day for the rest of my life,” he murmurs.
That has me melting on the spot, turning into a puddle in his arms. Holding back the delighted grin that wants to break out on my face, I merely say, “You’re welcome, baby.”
“I still don’t condone what you did to make it happen,” he insists. “But I can’t deny that this, being out here with you, is an infinitely better outcome than Sheridan.”
“I agree. Which is why I did it. And why I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
Something dark passes over his handsome face. “So, you still have no remorse?”
“None. Actually, yes. I’m sorry for the turmoil it caused you.
I’m sorry I didn’t make sure you knew I was doing everything I could not to be in danger from it.
I’m sorry I stopped coming to see you. I’m sorry I had to pretend we were over, for anyone who might be listening.
But I’m not sorry that I did it. And nothing you could say will ever change my mind about it. ”
I pause, letting it all sink in. When I see no anger in his features, but some sort of acceptance instead, I conclude with, “So, overall, I guess I’m sorry I didn’t start sooner, which would have given me more time and allowed me to handle all those things better, but that’s it.”
“Why didn’t you start sooner?”
I straighten up and twist around to send him an incredulous look. “Seriously? You went from being mad at me for doing it to wishing I’d done it sooner?”
A chuckle passes through his amused smirk. “No, I’m genuinely wondering what the trigger was.”
I return to my position with my back against his torso and think about it.
“It was an array of factors. At first, I wanted to believe we could do it the right way with good lawyers. You didn’t feel guilty to me, so somehow, I believed others would feel the same, and you’d be freed.
But with every single day that passed, it became clearer that the result we were heading toward might not be the one I was hoping for. ”
Lex has a hand under my breasts, below the soapy water, and his thumb grazes the skin there.
I rest mine over it and say, “Seeing you so broken after that week in the SHU, the bruises on your face … It drove me over the edge. It was the last of many, many things that made it insufferable to imagine you locked up for the rest of your life. And it came right after the pregnancy scare, so it was back-to-back—”
“The what?” Lex demands, tensing behind me.
Fuck, I haven’t told him this yet. “I—uh, there was a moment where I thought maybe I was pregnant.”
With a wince, I turn around to meet his shocked stare.
“I was barely eating, I had mood swings, nausea … When I realized my period was a month late, it felt like a rational explanation for everything. MC rushed out to get me a pregnancy test, and for about forty minutes, I went through the worst conundrum I’ve ever had to face.
” I shy away from his gaze to continue my confession, ashamed of the feelings that went through me that day.
“I wanted to be pregnant because it might be my only chance to hold your baby in my arms, but also because you might go back on your threat to never see me again. I thought maybe you’d let me come and visit, if it meant you got to see your son or daughter grow up.
” I take a moment to breathe and get the trembling in my voice in check before I continue.
“But I also realized that’s not a way to live, for us or the potential child, and that you wouldn’t want that.
Ever. But I still wanted it so fucking badly,” I can’t help but say, tears pooling in my eyes.
“It meant I’d get to keep some of you with me.
A little child with his dad’s gray eyes, dark hair, and genius brain. ”
“Andrea, why didn’t you tell me?” he softly asks, cradling my cheek with his large, wet hand.
“There was no point to it, was there?” I say, looking straight at him. “It would have done nothing but hurt you, like it did me.”
He pulls me in to kiss my cheekbone, intercepting a tear that toppled over. “My love … You couldn’t have been pregnant. That’s impossible.”
“I know, my IUD. But those aren’t always perfect, and I—”
“No, that’s not it.”