Chapter 24
Dear Adam
My girlfriend and I have been dating for two months. I know it’s not long in the scheme of things, and neither of us want to rush into anything until we’ve got to know each other better (she’s 29 and I’m 30). I really like her – she’s beautiful and clever and kind and basically everything I’m looking for in a partner.
There’s just one thing: I’m not sure whether she’s as into me as I’m into her, especially when it comes to sex. We’ve kissed and stuff, but when I suggest taking it further she backs off and says it’s too soon.
Like I said, I’m fine with taking things slow. But does that mean never having a proper sexual relationship with her? Because if so, I’m not sure I can do this, even though I like her so much and can see myself falling for her and even being with her long-term.
I know you’re going to suggest I try talking to her, and of course I’ve done that. But she just kind of shuts down – the only time we come close to having a row is when I attempt these discussions. She accuses me of only wanting her for sex and not being interested in her as a person, and that’s just not true.
Could there be something she’s not telling me, or are we just not compatible? Be honest with me, Adam, I can take it.
Kit, Essex
I read Kit’s letter and then read it again. I knew pretty much what the AI version of Adam would say to him: a carefully considered list of numbered steps recommending communication, other forms of intimacy and the possibility of accepting that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. I suspected I knew what Amelie would say – ‘Maybe he’s just a really crap kisser and she doesn”t want to find out he’s a really crap shag as well?’ But I felt so overwhelmed by the sheer number of messages I still needed to respond to that I couldn’t begin to frame a response to any of them. When I poised my fingers over my keyboard to begin typing, they kind of seized up, the way I’d felt one December when I was still working at Fab! and the heating went on the blink and we were all so cold our fingers just wouldn’t move.
It was late, anyway, I told myself – almost nine in the evening. I was back in my Brooklyn AirBnb and, given I’d been up since the early hours of the morning, I was just about ready to go to bed.
The only thing was, after a full day and a half in New York, I was no closer to achieving my goal than I’d been when I arrived. I felt like I should be doing something, planning something, making some sort of progress with my plan to locate Zack and see whether my suspicions about him were correct. If I couldn’t make any progress, I had no idea what I’d do. Give up and go home? Go and see my sister anyway and give her the hug I was longing for? Just get in touch with him and flat-out ask him?
None of those felt like the right thing to do. Perhaps, I thought, if I slept on it, the solution would come to me during the night, the way solutions are meant to but rarely in my experience do.
Oh, and the only other thing was, I really wanted to check in with Ross and tell him how my day had been. But he hadn’t responded to the picture I’d sent him earlier, and it was even later in London now, gone midnight, and he had work the next day so I couldn’t possibly call him now.
Frustrated and indecisive, I snapped my laptop closed and found myself pacing around the tiny apartment. Then I remembered how tired my legs were and the blisters on my heels reminded me of their presence, so I sat down again just as my phone buzzed with an incoming Facetime call.
To my surprise and relief, it was Ross.
The image on my screen was gloomy, so I couldn’t quite make out the background. ‘Hi, Lucy! I wasn’t sure you’d pick up. Hold on.’
I saw the picture move, blurrily, revealing a view of Ross’s denim-clad legs and a patch of wall, and then a light snapped on and I suddenly knew exactly where he was. He angled the phone away from him, and I saw Astro, in his favourite spot on my sofa, his head heavy and his eyes half-closed in sleep.
‘Awww! There he is!’ I cooed delightedly. ‘How’s he doing?’
‘He’s great. I got here about eight and gave him his dinner, and we’ve just been hanging out. I hope you don’t mind me staying so long. I was worried he might be lonely.’
‘No, it’s cool. I appreciate you looking after him so much. Is he okay?’
Ross told me how Astro had eaten his food, then sat on his lap for a bit, then played one of his favourite games. He detailed how much water he’d drunk and assured me that his litter tray had been used, and explained that, judging by the amount of fur on my bed, the cat had spent most of the day asleep. Reassured, I asked him about his day and got an update about the office, and how everyone was managing perfectly okay without me.
Then Ross asked me how New York was, and I launched into a long account of my exploration of the city.
‘Only I’m getting precisely nowhere with stalking Zack,’ I said. ‘I hung out outside his office for ages and I didn’t see him. By the end, it was like all the men coming out of there looked the same; they could’ve all been clones of him. But none of them was actually him. So I’m kind of stuck.’
‘Hmmm.’ Ross leaned back on my sofa, and I saw Astro’s tail move through the picture as he walked over his lap. ‘You know what I’ve noticed about your cat?’
We were meant to be talking about my brother-in-law. But it’s never hard to distract me into talking about Astro instead of… well, practically anything.
‘He’s the cutest and the best cat in the entire world?’
‘I haven’t met all of them. But on the evidence, yeah, I’d say so. But what else?’
‘He’s got exceptionally long whiskers?’
‘He has? Yeah, now you mention it, they are pretty impressive. And?’
‘He’s an incredibly noisy eater. He sounds like someone in the seat behind you on the bus chewing gum.’
Ross laughed. ‘Well I didn’t like to mention it. But there’s another thing – something relevant.’
‘Okay, you’re going to have to tell me, otherwise I could carry on all night.’
‘He’s a creature of habit. Like, I’ve only been looking after him a couple of days, but I’ve noticed. As soon as I walk in the door, he goes and jumps on the kitchen counter, because he did that the first time and I gave him treats. And he sleeps in the exact same places – back of the sofa in the mornings, your bed during the day, and so on. And he always washes his face with his left paw.’
‘He does?’ I was intrigued. ‘I never noticed that. Adorable – a left-pawed cat.’
‘Cute as fuck,’ Ross agreed. ‘But anyway, my point was, people have habits too. They might only last a couple of months before they change and move on, but for a while, you can depend on someone doing the same thing this Wednesday as they did last Wednesday.’
‘Like you going to Crossfit every Thursday lunchtime and buying a salt beef sandwich on your way back to the office.’
Ross looked startled, then a bit as if he might be going to blush again, but the light wasn’t good enough for me to see.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘A bit like that. See, you’re good at this detective thing. Anyway, my point is, if you can find out where Zack was after work six days ago, chances are he’ll be there again tomorrow.’
‘Good thinking. Only problem is, I don’t know where he was last Thursday night. Unless you have access to a time machine you never told me about.’
‘Don’t need one. You just need his social media.’
I tried not to roll my eyes. Did he think I was some kind of amateur? ’Tried that. He’s got LinkedIn and that’s it.’
‘Bollocks. Everyone has social media. What’s the point of having an attractive wife and a swanky apartment and a six-month secondment to New York if you can’t show off about it to the guy who got picked for the football team instead of you when you were fourteen?’
‘Honestly, he doesn’t. When he first started going out with Amelie I checked.’
‘You didn’t find it, that’s all. He’s probably got it set to private, with a name that makes it hard to find.’
I thought about this for a second and had to admit it made sense. When I’d initially looked for him on Instagram, I hadn’t looked particularly hard. I’d been mildly curious, that was all – and then when I’d drawn a blank I’d concluded he wasn’t on there. And then, when he and Amelie got serious and moved in together and later got engaged, it would’ve seemed weird and stalkerish to ask.
If only I’d known that, just a few months later, I’d be stalking the man for real.
‘Okay, maybe you’re right. But I can’t exactly ask now, can I? “Hey Zack, it’s your sister-in-law and I’d like to follow you on the Gram.” “You would? Why?” “Just, I’m here in New York and I want to know where you might be tomorrow evening so I can catch you out with another woman.” “Oh sure, knock yourself out. It’s @PhilanderingBastard.”’
Ross laughed. ‘Okay, fair enough. So you have to find someone who already follows him, and ask them.’
‘Yeah, that makes sense. Only Amelie follows about three thousand people. When she was planning her wedding she went mental on it. It would take me ages to go through them all.’
‘That makes it more challenging,’ he admitted. ‘But there’ll be a way. Leave it with me.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Give me until lunchtime tomorrow, your time. I’ll call you then, and if I haven’t found anything, we’ll come up with another plan.’
My eyes strayed from his face to the clock at the top of my screen, and I realised how late it was. We’d been chatting for almost half an hour, so it would be nearly two in the morning, London time.
As if on cue, Ross gave a jaw-splitting yawn and said, ‘Sorry.’
‘No, I’m sorry. You must be knackered.’
‘I’m all right. I should probably get home to bed, though.’
For a second, I considered saying, You can stay if you want. Sleep in my bed, with Astro. Somehow, imagining him waking up in my flat made me feel less far from home, almost like I was there with him. Like we were going to get up together and get in each other’s way while we dressed for work, and have Astro tell bare-faced lies to one of us about not having had his breakfast when the other had already fed him.
But I couldn’t let myself think that way.
So I said, ‘Thanks for looking after the cat, again. And thanks for the chat.’
‘It’s my pleasure. It really is. Night, Lucy.’
‘Night,’ I said, and his face vanished from my screen as if it had never been there.