3. Jane
3
JANE
A fter saying bye to Jess, I left the library, immediately deciding to take the long way home.
The town I lived in, Shamwick, was only a few stops away from Sunshine Bay, and it was just a short walk from the library to the train station. But I wasn’t ready to go home. Not yet.
Instead, I headed down to the beach opposite the library. Although it was September and the weather was cooler, I still enjoyed going for walks here during my lunch break or after work.
The beach had gorgeous golden sand, and watching the gentle waves as they rippled against the shore was so calming.
After I slipped off my shoes, my feet sank into the sand. I breathed in the salty sea air and exhaled.
That’s better.
As my mind relaxed, my thoughts wandered back to this morning, when I’d bumped into Jackson.
I’d like to say that was the first time I’d thought about him since we were at school together, but that would be a lie.
I was desperate to ask Theo and Jess how his interview had gone, but they’d been busy all day liaising with Bill about the leak and organising stuff before work began on the cafe, so I hadn’t got a chance. Hopefully tomorrow I’d find out more.
Anyway, I couldn’t think about Jackson. It didn’t matter how sweet he was to me or how hot he looked. He hadn’t been interested in me at school, so he definitely wouldn’t be interested in me now. Especially if he knew how inexperienced I was.
Didn’t matter anyway. I probably wouldn’t see Jackson again, which was for the best. I was doing well at the library and couldn’t let anything mess that up. I needed to focus on helping Theo and Jess keep it open, not thinking about my silly childhood crush.
I skimmed a few stones in the sea in frustration. When I looked up, the sky was a beautiful shade of orange, yellow and pink. Apart from reading, watching the sunset here was one of my favourite things to do.
It’d be dark soon, so I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to head home.
Once I was on the train, I took my book out of my bag. I was reading Office Delight , a steamy workplace romance Jess had recommended.
I only managed to read a chapter before it was time to get off the train and make the short walk home.
As soon as I put the key in the lock, my stomach tightened. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
The TV blared from the living room. As I poked my head around the door, I saw Dad with his legs over the edge of the armchair, watching the news. Like always.
‘It’s bloody ridiculous!’ he cursed. ‘This country’s going to the dogs.’
‘Shocking,’ Mum murmured in agreement as she handed him a cup of tea, then looked up and saw me. ‘Hi, love.’
‘Hi, Mum. Hi, Dad,’ I said nervously. He didn’t hear me. After sliding off my shoes, I walked into the room, then stood by the TV to get his attention. If I didn’t greet him, he’d go into a lecture about how disrespectful it was, so before I disappeared into my bedroom, I had to make sure he heard me. ‘Hi,’ I repeated.
‘Get out the way!’ he snapped. ‘Have you seen this? More immigrants trying to get into the country! We should ship every single foreigner out of here. It’s out of control!’
Nausea rose in my throat and my face twisted in disgust. This was exactly the kind of toxic talk I hated. The energy in this house was full of it.
Dad was always bitching about something or airing his narrow-minded, ignorant views.
I’d tried so many times to get him to open his mind. Tried to tell him that not everyone was the same. Attempted to balance his views by talking about the people that came to England to do good and who helped make it better, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Actually, I’d probably get more sense out of a brick wall than him.
‘I’m going to make a sandwich for dinner. Anyone want anything?’
‘I’ve already eaten,’ he replied, his gaze still fixed to the screen. Mum shook her head .
After I’d wolfed down my sandwich and showered, I headed to my room, then shut the door.
My shoulders instantly loosened. Being around my dad zapped away my energy. Mum wasn’t much better and neither was my older brother, Wayne.
Most of the time I was convinced that they must’ve taken home the wrong baby from the hospital, because I’d never felt like I belonged in this family. They were always so angry and bitter. Being around people with such negativity and hate in their hearts was exhausting.
The best times of my life were whenever I was away from them. Like when I’d spent a few summers working in a library in Hastings in my late teens, until Dad had demanded I give it up to help at my parents’ shop.
I’d escaped them properly for about a year when I’d tried living in London. I got a job in a bookstore there and felt like finally I was free of them and could start living my own life.
But then some bad stuff had happened at work and I’d had to leave. I’d wanted to stay to find something else, but the rent in London was too expensive, so I had to return to Shamwick and my parents’ house.
Dad took great pleasure in telling me he’d told me so and that I shouldn’t get ideas above my station. He’d insisted there was nothing wrong with Shamwick and said I was lucky they’d let me come back home. At one point I thought he was going to ask me to kiss his feet to get my room back. Wouldn’t put it past him.
I knew that if I didn’t get a job quickly, Dad would try and rope me into whatever his latest business venture was. That was why, when I saw the job for The Romance Library pop up on Instagram, I jumped at the chance .
Not only was it my dream job, it was a start-up, which meant Jess would need a lot of help to get it off the ground. That was ideal because I loved being helpful and I’d have to spend more time away from the house.
Hopefully in a few months, I’d have enough saved up to move out. But if the library had to close, not only would I lose the best job I’d ever have, I’d lose my only chance of escaping this house and having a proper life.
I pulled out my paperback from where I’d hidden it in my handbag, took out my highlighter pens and tabs, then slid under the duvet. Usually I only read steamy romance on my Kindle, but Jess had bought me this paperback copy as a gift because it was her favourite book.
If my parents knew I read spicy books, or the kinds of books available at the library, they wouldn’t approve. They took so little interest in my life that I was sure they didn’t even realise it was dedicated to romance.
Like everything else, they had very narrow-minded views about sex. As far as they were concerned, it was only for procreation. Not for enjoyment.
TV shows or films with even a hint of kissing or intimacy were banned from our house when I was growing up and nothing had changed. If anything like that ever came on, Dad would brand it as ‘disgusting’ and immediately change the channel.
That was why I had to bury this book deep in my handbag whenever I brought it home so he wouldn’t see it.
This definitely wasn’t how I saw my life panning out. I was thirty-one years old, but living here made me feel like I was a child and had no control over my life. But hopefully it’d only be temporary. If the library started making more money, everything could change .
I opened the book and started reading the next chapter. Rocco, the male main character and billionaire boss, was in his chauffeur-driven limo with his assistant, Virginia, who he was now romantically involved with, and had just suggested that they have sex on the back seat.
My cheeks heated and a tingle raced between my legs.
So far, they’d already had sex in his office and he’d gone down on Virginia multiple times.
I wondered how it’d feel if a man did to me the things that Rocco did to Virginia.
I’d been kissed by a few men before, but it was sloppy and wet. Never anything enjoyable.
With a couple of guys I’d gone a bit further. A little bit of touching over clothes, but nothing more.
When I moved to London, just over a year ago, I got my first vibrator. I could never have one whilst I lived at my parents’ because I was too worried Mum or Dad might find it if they were snooping around my room, which I knew they did when I wasn’t here. It wasn’t worth the fallout. They’d see it as dirty. Shameful.
Given my parents’ views on sex and how strict they were about me going out, I’d always known I probably wouldn’t get to lose my virginity at a similar age to my peers. But I hadn’t expected to get to my thirties without ever having sex. It was embarrassing.
On the one hand, that was one of the reasons reading romance novels was my sanctuary. If I couldn’t have a relationship of my own, reading about fictional characters getting intimate was the next best thing.
But on the other hand, I felt like a fraud. I was a romance fan and a love librarian, but I’d never even experienced sex or true romantic feelings myself .
I used to hope that one day I’d at least lose my virginity. Every year I’d tell myself, ‘Maybe this year it’ll happen’.
But I’d been doing that since I was eighteen and so far, nothing.
I bet Jackson didn’t have this problem. Right now, he was probably in bed with his girlfriend or some other hot woman, doing all the exciting things that Rocco and Virginia did.
Another tingle of desire shot between my legs and I quickly scolded myself.
Stop bloody thinking about him. It’ll only lead to disappointment.
I sighed and brought my attention back to the page, trying not to let the fact that Rocco was now fucking Virginia on the back seat affect me.
Virginia might be a fictional character, but she was one lucky woman.
As I reached for my pen to highlight every single line of this steamy scene, my mind drifted again.
Would I ever get to pop my cherry and do anything thrilling like this with a man?
Or was it time to finally accept that having wild, passionate sex was just what other people or characters like Virginia experienced, not people like me?