35. Jackson
35
JACKSON
I kissed the top of Jane’s head and wrapped my arms tighter around her.
When I’d said that was phenomenal, I was massively downplaying things. Even her description didn’t cover it. That was hands down the hottest sex I’d ever had.
I loved everything about it. Eating her out against the bookcase, stripping her naked, fucking her as the books crashed on the floor around us, when her pussy tightened around my cock, then she screamed my name again, and of course when I exploded inside her.
For the past week, I’d tried to convince myself that the reason it had felt so good the first time was because of the thrill of doing something I shouldn’t combined with knowing I was the first man to bury my dick in her sweet pussy.
Jane could’ve chosen anyone to take her virginity, but she’d chosen me .
But now we’d done it again, I knew for sure it was more than that. Yeah, there was the thrill of fucking in the library, which was forbidden. But everything felt more intense and so much better because of our history and the fact that I was finally having sex with the girl I’d crushed on for years at school.
It was difficult to put it into words, but Jane did something to me. I was hypnotized.
Some people got addicted to drugs or alcohol, but my addiction was this woman.
I was falling for her. Hard.
‘Jackson,’ Jane said softly.
‘Mmm?’ I stroked her hair, which had fallen out of her bun and was hanging around her shoulders.
Jane’s glasses were either on the bookcase or on the floor, which meant I had an uninterrupted view of her pretty brown eyes.
‘Can I ask a question?’
‘Course.’
‘I know I’m supposed to act cool about this, but we both know that I’ve never been one of the cool kids.’ She laughed.
‘That makes two of us,’ I chuckled.
‘Yeah, so, originally you said this was a one-off and obviously we’ve done this twice now, so… what does this mean? Is this just a hook-up or have you changed your mind? Do you want us to be together?’
Shit.
Before we’d had sex, I’d asked myself the same question. And I’d thought that maybe this could work. But I still wasn’t sure if I was ready for something serious. I took a deep breath.
‘I want to be with you. I’m just…’ I was about to say th at I was going through some stuff, but I knew that if I did, she’d ask what, and I wasn’t ready to tell her. ‘I just… it’s been a while since I’ve been in a proper relationship.’
‘I’m hardly an expert, but maybe it doesn’t have to be so complicated. We already know we get on well, we enjoy spending time together, we have loads in common and there’s obviously a strong attraction, so surely as long as we’re honest with each other and we communicate, we’ll be able to get through anything, right?’
Good point.
I always felt better when I was with Jane and I’d never felt more connected to a woman in my life. But she’d also spoken about the importance of honesty, and it felt wrong to start a relationship without telling her about Mum and the other stuff I was going through.
We’d had the perfect evening. I’d just fulfilled another one of her fantasies. I could tell by the way that she was looking at me that she was on cloud nine and didn’t want to pop her happy bubble by talking about depressing stuff. Mum was ill and there was no way to sugar-coat that.
Although things were looking up financially, I still had bills coming out my arse and had a long way to go before I pulled myself out of my mess.
And then there were the videos. What woman would be happy knowing that her boyfriend was flashing his dick to strangers online for money? Precisely zero.
Jane would already have an uphill struggle once her parents found out about us. They never thought that someone like me would be good enough for her.
Before, I would’ve disagreed. But now I’d started to sell my body for money, I was kind of proving them right .
This was messy as fuck. I had more baggage than an airport terminal.
‘I don’t know, Jane. I’ve got… there’s things I need to…’ I was about to tell her, but her face fell and I chickened out.
‘Jackson.’ She paused. ‘I really like you. And I get that you’re worried about getting into a relationship. But the thing is, even though Jess is cool about us being involved and clearly I enjoy having sex with you, it’s not something that I should keep doing unless I know it means something. I need reassurance that it’s not just a fling. The more that we do this, the more I’m going to fall for you, and I don’t want to get my heart broken.’
‘I know.’ I stroked her cheek. ‘I hear you. And I’d never want to do that. You’re more than just a fling. I really want you to be my girlfriend. I want us to be together?—’
‘Really?’ she jumped in, her eyes sparkling with happiness.
‘Yeah.’
I meant every word.
I also meant to continue my sentence and add ‘but I can’t because my life’s a mess right now’ to the end of it, but when I saw how happy Jane looked, I couldn’t do it.
‘Oh my God!’ she squealed, then wrapped her arms around me. ‘That’s amazing! I’m so happy!’
Of course I was going to tell her about Mum. I wanted to. And I’d pluck up the courage to confess about the videos too. I was sure once Jane heard why I had to do it, she’d understand. So did it really matter whether we made it official now or in a couple of weeks ?
As soon as the time was right, I’d lay it all out there.
Put all my cards on the table.
I’d tell her everything.
Just not tonight.