42. Jane
42
JANE
‘ E xcuse me, do you have any more of Lucy Score’s backlist? I’ve already binged the Knockemout series and I finished the latest in the Story Lake series last night and I need more Lucy in my life!’
‘I hear you!’ I smiled, looking up at the member standing in front of the meet-cute desk. ‘We’re all big Lucy fans at The Romance Library. Have you tried the Blue Moon series or the Benevolence novels?’
‘I looked, but I didn’t see them on the shelves.’
‘As soon as they come in, they go back out again. We need to order more. We should have stock in the bookshop though if you’d like to buy the paperbacks.’
‘Can you show me where it is?’
After signalling to Jess that I was leaving the desk so she could take over if anyone needed help, I got up and headed out of the library.
The last thing I wanted to do right now was go to the bookshop. I’d gone there an hour ago to check whether the new delivery of Kennedy Ryan books we’d ordered had arrived and when I got to the door, I saw Celeste stroking Jackson’s bicep.
Seeing her touching him made me sick. I couldn’t get the idea out of my head that he’d made a sexy video just for her. Even though I knew why he’d done it, I still couldn’t shake that feeling of jealousy.
I was up most of the night turning everything over and over in my head and I was still no closer to knowing what I was going to do. I’d even left Jackson’s early so I could get to the library before it opened and start reading D.D. Desire’s new book before the event tomorrow, but I couldn’t even open it. And seeing how excited I’d been to read it, that said a lot.
‘Here you go.’ I gestured to the member. ‘Celeste will show you all of the Lucy Score books we have.’
‘I sure will!’ Celeste’s eyes brightened. ‘Have you read By a Thread yet?’
‘Yes!’ the member replied excitedly. As I walked away, I heard them talking about how much they loved Drunk Dom in the book and smiled. But that smile faded when I saw Jackson walking towards me.
God, it’d be so much easier if he wasn’t so bloody attractive.
‘Hey,’ he said, flashing a warm smile which unfortunately made my traitorous stomach fizz with excitement.
‘Hi,’ I attempted to say flatly.
‘I came to see you earlier. But you were busy.’
‘I stopped by the bookshop earlier too, but you and Celeste also seemed busy and I didn’t want to interrupt her stroking your arm.’
Jackson’s eyes widened.
‘It wasn’t like that,’ he said softly .
Deep down I knew it was innocent. Celeste was tactile. She even stroked my arms sometimes. But because of those videos, my brain was inventing all kinds of stuff and it wasn’t healthy.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But because of… I can’t stop thinking about…’
‘Jane.’ He took my hand and walked towards the stockroom door. After unlocking it, he led me down the stairs.
‘Why are we going down here?’
‘Because I need to talk to you.’ Once we were in the room, he stood in front of me. ‘I know you’re probably thinking all kinds of things, but I need you to know something important: I don’t interact with anyone. Marcus does everything. He takes care of the liaison. He tells me what to film, so I never know who it’s for. So please, don’t think that when I’m filming, I’m thinking about Celeste or other women. The only woman I’ve ever thought about when I’ve made those videos is you.’
My eyes popped.
‘You thought about me ?’
‘Yeah. It’s the only way I could get hard. Even when I did the first one, not long after starting here, it was you that I thought about. I imagined you on the bed, watching me. And whenever I stop filming, it’s your name I call out when I finish myself off with my hands. It’s you , Jane. It’s only ever been you.’
I was rooted to the floor. Stunned into silence.
I thought about everything he said, trying to process it all.
He wasn’t messaging different women.
He wasn’t thinking about them when he touched himself in front of the camera. He was thinking of me .
Jackson had always liked me .
Wow.
‘Thanks for telling me,’ I said.
‘I want you to know everything. No more secrets. I promise.’ As he stroked my cheek, I squeezed my eyes shut and my whole body tingled. I hated how easily I responded to his touch. ‘So are we okay?’
‘You’ll still need to film the videos, right?’ I asked, opening my eyes.
‘Yeah.’ He nodded.
‘I understand why, but I have to think about whether I can deal with that. I need more time.’
‘Okay. Oh, by the way, I’m reading the last blind date book, Before I Let Go by Kennedy Ryan. It’s emotional, but brilliant. Thanks again for introducing me to so many amazing books.’
A small smile touched my lips. I was glad that he’d loved every book I’d recommended. I desperately wanted to chat to him about it like we used to do, but like I’d said, I had to work out the best way forward for us.
‘That’s good to know.’ I nodded. ‘I’d better get back.’
I quickly walked out the room and up the stairs. The closer I was to him, the harder it was to think clearly.
The day flew, especially with all the D.D. Desire event prep. I’d received so many emails asking if there were any tickets left and I felt so bad having to turn people down, but we were completely sold out.
As well as looking forward to the event because I was a huge fan, I was also excited because this had already given the library’s profits a big boost. Everyone had to buy a ticket in advance, which included a copy of the book. Plus Maddie and her team were doubling down on making branded Illicit Delight biscuits and cupcakes that we knew would sell out.
Maddie had even come up with a menu of cocktails for the night and I reckoned they’d be a hit too.
Yep. Tomorrow was going to be epic.
I picked up my coat and bag and went to the bookshop. I didn’t want to see Jackson, it was too difficult, but I needed to make sure he saw me leave, then get him to lock up.
‘I’m going now,’ I said as I stood by the door. His head jerked up.
‘Aren’t you coming back with me?’
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘I told you. I need time.’
‘Where will you stay?’
‘Don’t worry about it. I’ve got somewhere temporary until I move to the B&B. I’d better go.’
I didn’t wait for him to say anything as I knew he’d persuade me to come home with him.
Once I left, I went to May’s Fish and Chips for dinner, then I headed back to the library.
When I’d said I had somewhere temporary to stay, I meant it. I’d brought my stuff to the library, which was where I’d sleep tonight. In the morning I’d ask Glenda if I could shower there. Hopefully she wouldn’t mind. I just couldn’t stay at Jackson’s tonight.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth in the toilets, I changed into my nightdress, then got settled in on the sofa and picked up Illicit Delight . But before I even started reading the first page, my mind drifted .
I thought about all the times me and Jackson had sat on this sofa, reading together whilst drinking tea and eating our favourite biscuits. We’d chat about books and I’d laugh and smile until my cheeks hurt.
And then there was the sex. This sofa was where Jackson had gone down on me for the first time. Where he’d fucked me.
It was also the place where he’d listened sympathetically whilst I’d talked about my shitty family and what had happened in my last job. It was here that he’d opened up about why he’d left his career in the City too.
Without fail, whatever we’d done on this sofa, he’d always looked out for me.
Jackson had taken care of me. Walked me home. He’d always had my back, no matter what.
Once upon a time I’d always looked out for him too. When we were the outcasts at school that no one wanted to hang out with, we always knew we had each other. It was us against the world.
And that was how it should always be.
Jackson was my boyfriend. I knew we weren’t married, but we were supposed to be in a committed relationship.
I’d told Jackson yesterday that relationships were about communication and honesty. And I still believed that.
But relationships were also about supporting your partner, through thick and thin.
Love was about not giving up without a fight.
Jackson was going through hell right now. He needed me. This was my chance not just to tell him that I loved him, but to show him.
Screw the videos. Fuck all the people that watched them. They didn’t matter. What mattered was that Jackson was with me .
He thought about me when he filmed them.
It was me he made love to.
Me he wanted to be with.
And I wanted to be with him.
I had to tell him that I loved him.
I needed him to know that whether he continued doing the videos or not, I’d support him one hundred per cent.
Reaching for my bag, I went to pull out my phone, then spotted that I had Jackson’s jumper buried at the bottom. I couldn’t even remember when I’d borrowed it. I held it up to my nose and inhaled. It smelt of him. Delicious and woody. I really wanted to see him.
After resting the jumper on my lap, I picked up my phone and checked the train times to Shamwick. There were only two trains tonight, and they were both cancelled.
Crap.
I launched the Uber app. They didn’t have any drivers, so I tried calling another cab company, but there was an incident on the line going back into Shamwick, so they were booked up.
Walking there was possible, but at this time of night it wasn’t safe. And something told me Jackson wouldn’t want me to risk it.
So reluctantly, I got up, turned off the light, then closed my eyes, wrapping Jackson’s jumper tightly around me so I could feel close to him.
And as I fell asleep, I promised myself that no matter what, I’d tell Jackson how I felt first thing in the morning.