24. Cooper
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
cooper
He feels the change before he even opens his eyes. It’s in the rigid set of her shoulders, the slight quiver to her breathing, the pulse pounding beneath her skin, the heaviness of her stare—a weight he can feel behind his closed eyelids.
Kiss me , he hears her voice again.
Was it a dream?
Was any of it real?
Love me , he wants to tell her back. Sam, I need you to love me.
For once, he’s the one who’s too afraid to ask. So he waits. All morning, he waits. While they get out of bed. While they get dressed. While they eat breakfast. While they step out the door with her suitcase in tow and she snorts at the sight of his truck.
“What?” she says. “No chopper?”
“I’m not interested in making time move faster today.”
The words are a soft volley just itching to be smacked out of the park.
She swallows and looks away.
He keeps waiting, trying not to push, trying not to press. They hold hands and make small talk for the entire hour-and-a- half drive. All the while he waits for her to offer some sort of an explanation for why, after the weekend they just had, she’s still planning on saying goodbye. It’s not until she grips the strap of her purse and gives him a fake-as-fuck smile in the parking lot of the airport that he realizes the truth.
She’s not planning on saying a goddamn thing.
“Well,” she mutters with an uneven sigh. “That was—”
“If you say the word fun right now, Cuj, so help me god,” he snaps, all patience and poise vanishing in a blink as that cold, hard reality sets in. “You were really going to leave, just like that? I can’t believe you.”
“Well, how do you want me to leave, Cooper?” she snaps right back. “No tomorrow. That was the rule.”
“The rule.” He grinds his teeth.
“Yes.” She lifts her chin and offers him a look so high-and-mighty he’s amazed she hasn’t passed out from a lack of oxygen. “The rule you agreed to.”
“We agreed to a lot of fucking rules, Sam, and we broke every single one of them.”
“Not that one.”
“Why?”
She turns her face away. He locks the doors in a desperate attempt to keep her close.
“You’re not getting out of the car until you tell me why.”
“You know why.”
“Enlighten me.”
“I already told you. I ruined Emily’s life once, and I can’t do it again.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
He stares her in the eye and says it again, nice and slow. “Bull. Shit.”
“Look, you might not like the explanation, but—”
“It’s not the explanation.”
“Then why don’t you enlighten me , Cooper? You seem to know everything.”
“I don’t, Sam. I don’t know a fucking thing, because you won’t tell me. But I talked to Emily enough to know this isn’t about her. That’s an excuse. Your sister was prepared to leave the show without a proposal. She didn’t care what America thought. She wanted to be true to herself. I mean, for Christ’s sake, she’s moving in with one of the producers two days after the live finale. She clearly gives fuck all for what the gossip rags might say. So if you called her up right now and told her what’s been going on between us, I know what she’d say.”
“It’s not about what she’d say,” Sam cuts in. “It’s about not putting her in the position where she has to say anything at all. Do you think I don’t know that she would do anything for me? I won’t do that to her . I know she would choose me over her career. That’s why I refuse to give her the chance. It’s not about her choosing me, Cooper. It’s about me choosing her. After all these years, it’s about me finally choosing her.”
“I hear what you’re saying. But I don’t believe you.”
“Too bad.”
“You’re making the easy choice again.”
She scoffs. “You think this is easy?”
“Easier than staying and fighting.”
She tugs on the handle, but the door doesn’t open. All she needs to do is pull the knob to release the lock, but he’s not about to remind her of the workaround.
“You’re running,” he presses.
She keeps yanking, the need to flee seemingly compulsive, like a caged animal longing for the wilds.
“You’re running to New York the same way you did back then.”
She smacks the window with her palm and practically snarls with frustration. “Let me out of the car, Cooper.”
“You’re afraid.”
“Let me out of the fucking car!”
“Tell me what you’re so afraid of, and I will.”
She digs through her purse and pulls out her phone. “I’m calling the cops. You can’t hold me hostage like this.”
“Go ahead.” He crosses his arms over his chest and readjusts in his seat as if hunkering down for the wait. “It’ll take them ten minutes to get here and this conversation is worth going to jail over. What are you so afraid of?”
She shoves the phone away and looks around in desperation.
“Just tell me, Sam. What are you so—”
“WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID?” she finally screams.
He reaches for her hand but she snatches it away.
“NO!” She takes a deep breath to recenter herself and runs her palms over her thighs. Her fingers tremble. She finally whispers, “Why aren’t you afraid, Cooper? I didn’t even lose Emily and I’m scared absolutely shitless. But you, you…”
“You’re right. I know exactly what it’s like to lose someone I love.” He reaches across the center console and takes her hand. “That’s why I’m not letting you go.”
She looks away with a wince. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. I—”
“Don’t, Cooper.” Even as she tells him to stop, she grips his fingers as if they’re a lifeline. “You don’t know the whole story.”
“Baby, please.” He strokes her with his thumb, desperate to understand what’s going on in that beautiful mind. “Just tell me.”
She lifts her head and stares through the windshield. Those normally shining eyes are clouded over and glassy, clearly looking at something only she can see. The grip on his hand tightens again as she takes a deep, shuddering breath.
A second passes.
Two.
Then—
“I told you how I went to NYU without Emily. How much I hated it. How much I lied to her. How much I hid. But there’s more. Stuff I’m ashamed to admit. Even Winnie doesn’t know all of it, though she’s the only person I ever came close to telling. And before I get started, no, this is not about a boy, not really. But in order to make you understand, I have to tell you about my ex. We met the first week of freshman year, and his name is Spencer Winthrop.”
I hate him already.
The disgust must be written on his face, because Sam half snorts, half laughs as she drops her head back against the seat, still looking straight ahead. “I know. I know. I should’ve known by the name he’d be an absolute douche, but I was eighteen, without my sister for the first time in my life, scared out of my mind for her, and—yes, I’ll admit it—intimidated as hell by New York. He was a rich upperclassman from the suburbs who seemed to know everyone and everything, and he still chose me. And at the time, it felt good. It wasn’t like I hadn’t dated people before. I had my pick in high school. I went out with the class president, the quarterback, half of his teammates, and just about anyone else I wanted. But I never treated any of those guys seriously. I always had my eye on New York, on getting out, and then I was suddenly there. All my reasons for holding back were gone. And I was in this emotional turmoil I never expected. Spencer became more than a warm body. In a very short time, he became…everything. My tour guide. My therapist. My social calendar. My safe place. I was too preoccupied with school and with Emily to even think about figuring anything else out on my own. His friends became my friends. His favorite spots became my favorite spots. I changed what I wore, what I ate, how I acted, all to fit this mold I thought he wanted. God, it’s so embarrassing, looking back on it now. I can’t believe the hold I let him have over me. It’s just so…”
She trails off with a sigh. He studies her profile, the auburn hair slipping out from where she tucked it behind her ear, the graceful arch of her neck, the freckles painted across her cheeks, that smart-ass mouth he can’t get enough of. It’s difficult to imagine her any other way than the confident woman she is now, but he understands. He was a helluva lot different at eighteen, that’s for damn sure. And it’s not a time he likes to relive either.
“Anyway—” She cuts sharply back into the story, the pain in her voice evident. “About a week after Christmas break ended, I got the call from Emily to tell me she was dropping out of FIT and moving home. I knew it was coming, but I’d been holding out hope that she would change her mind or talk to me or that we’d, I don’t know, win the lottery or something. We didn’t. And by the time she called, she had already dropped out. It was done. I’d waited too long to talk to her. There was nothing I could do. So I did what I always did—I went to Spencer. He was the only person who knew the truth about my sister, about what I was going through. All fall, he’d been there every time I cried. He’d held me. He’d wiped away the tears. He’d told me everything would be all right. And I needed that. I needed him.” She grits her teeth as her nostrils flare. “But that night, after he did all the things he’d always done—listened, dried my tears, kissed away the pain—I saw a text on his phone while he was in the bathroom. It said, Are you done with that depressed bitch yet? ”
Cooper sucks in a shocked breath, silently seething. But Sam grows eerily calm, face blank, voice turning detached as she continues.
“I unlocked his phone and scrolled up to read more of the conversation. His friends had texted, Where the hell are you, man? , while I was walking over to his place. He’d responded with, Just got a call from Sam. She’s fucking crying again. I’m so over this shit. At least she’s an easy lay. Let me hit it and then I’ll get rid of her. See you in an hour. ”
An anger more intense than anything he’s felt in his life explodes beneath his skin. Every muscle in his body tenses with rage. He’s never understood the term seeing red , but he does right now, as the blue sky pulses to an angry crimson for a beat while his heart thunders inside his chest.
I’m going to kill him.
If I ever see him, I’m going to fucking murder him.
“It’s okay,” Sam says gently and brushes her lips against his knuckles, her kiss a balm to his raw fury. When she drops her head to the side, the rest of his anger melts away. It’s impossible to be mad when she’s looking at him with those bedroom eyes. “Don’t waste your energy on him. I’m over it now, I promise. But at the time, it felt like my entire world was falling apart. I confronted him when he came out of the bathroom. He didn’t even try to deny it. He called me a charity case, and a pity lay, told me I wasn’t even worth breaking up with because I was never his girlfriend in the first place. I left his room in a daze, not sure where to go or what to do or who to call. All my friends were his friends. They wouldn’t care. All the bars I knew of were the ones he showed me and I was too afraid to run into him. I couldn’t call Emily or my parents because they thought I was having the time of my life at NYU. I had no one, nothing. I wanted to go back to my room and bawl my eyes out, but I heard those words as if he’d whispered them right in my ear, She’s fucking crying again , and I just thought, No. No, I won’t cry. Not over him. I walked back to my dorm without shedding a single tear, and I lay in my bed all night staring at the ceiling, and I decided right then and there that I would never put myself in that position again. I would never let myself get so consumed by someone else I forgot who I was. I would never need someone so much I couldn’t stand on my own two feet. It was easier said than done, of course. I got drunk a lot. I cried a lot. I almost flunked out of my classes. I went so insane the first time I saw him with another girl that I snuck into his room, cut the crotch out of every single pair of his boxers, and left a note that said This should make it easier to swing your little dick .” She snorts and shakes her head. “If I hadn’t found Winnie at the start of my sophomore year, I have no idea what would’ve happened to me. But I did. And eventually, we figured out how to conquer New York together. Now, here I am.”
“Here you are, what?” he asks, frowning at the prideful tilt of her chin.
“Winning.”
“This is winning?”
She shrugs.
“Working yourself to the bone, closing yourself off from everyone, lying to your own sister all because some asshole broke your heart six years ago, that’s winning? I don’t follow, Cuj.”
“It’s not about Spencer. It’s about me, Cooper. I won’t be weak like that again. I won’t need someone so much that losing them leaves me crippled.”
“It’s not weak to need someone, Sam. You just have to pick the right person to need—someone who needs you too. And I do. I need you.”
“For now.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
She untangles their fingers. An ice-cold drop of dread slips down his spine the second his skin loses contact with hers. The walls he worked so hard to disassemble stand to attention as she crosses her arms over her chest, jaw set, gaze hard. He’s terrified he just touched her for the last time.
“People fall out of love every day, Cooper. For little reasons. For big reasons. Sometimes for no reason at all. So yeah, maybe you think you need me now, but one day, that feeling might just— poof! —vanish. And where would that leave me? If I moved here, to the middle of nowhere, to your land and your house, to live with your family and your friends, where the hell would that leave me when it all fell apart? This ranch is one of the most stunningly beautiful places I’ve ever been, but it is also my worst nightmare come to life. It’s everything I told myself I would never be again.”
“I won’t stop.”
“You don’t know that. You can’t.”
“Look at me, Sam.” He cradles her face in his palm and stares into her stricken eyes, willing her to believe him. “I won’t stop needing you.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll give it up.” She sucks in a sharp breath. For a moment, he thinks he has her. “I’ll go to you. I’ll surround myself with your friends and your family. I’ll live wherever you want to live. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
The brief light in her eyes burns out. “I won’t let you throw away your life for me. Just like I won’t let Em do it either. I’m not worth it.”
You are.
He wants to shake her and scream.
YOU’RE WORTH EVERYTHING!
But he can already tell it won’t get through. So he slides his hand to the back of her neck, holding her there with him for just a few seconds longer, fully aware of the desperation that must be written all over his face but lacking any care to hide it.
“I’m not the type of man who likes to live with regrets. And if I let you leave now, I already know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”
She places her warm palm over his and closes her eyes, melting into his touch for the barest instant. Then she slowly peels his hand away. “It’s not your decision to make.”
I know.
Nina’s proverb from all those weeks ago comes back to haunt. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t force it to drink.
He can’t make her stay. He can’t make her fight. He can’t make her want him. And even if he could, he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life convincing someone to believe in him. So he leans over and pulls the knob on her door to release the lock, willing her to understand that the only prison she’s in is the one of her own making.
She doesn’t even look at him as she pushes open the door.
He should let her go.
He knows this. He understands it.
But he just can’t.
Cooper takes hold of her hand. Sam pauses with one foot on the ground and glances slowly over her shoulder, eyes already wet with unshed tears.
“Tell me you don’t love me,” Cooper rasps.
She tenses.
“Tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll let you go.”
“Cooper, I—” She takes a deep breath. He holds his, everything about him suddenly still, waiting. She licks her lips and opens her mouth. “I—I can’t.”
He tightens his grip. “Then I can’t stop fighting. I won’t.”
She sighs. For the first time since he’s known her, defeat flashes in her eyes. It worries him more than a single word she’s ever said.
“Get your shop set up, Cooper.” She changes the topic, her tone flat. “There are still three weeks before the live finale. You need to capitalize on your popularity while you still can. I know you think your dad won’t go for it, but he will. He’ll agree to anything that keeps you here and keeps you happy. It’s not about the ranch. You’re his connection to your mom, just like photography is for you. That’s why he’s holding on so tight. That’s why he’s so afraid. You’re his tether. He needs you.”
Cooper doesn’t want to talk about his photography or his father, but it doesn’t matter what he wants. The door slams shut and she walks away.